# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/41 "2001-09-17T19:14:56Z")
Not exactly ONION headline type humor, but late last week a bunch of us at work went out for chinese during lunch, and as it often does, drinking the hot tea had me perspiring. “Damn”, I said as I wiped my brow, “I’m sweatin’ like a New York Ay-rab!” ---
**Author:** ![Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazing_Magic-Gro_Monster)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/42 "2001-09-17T19:17:56Z")
**BIN LAUDIN BLOWS SELF UP IN RASH DISPUTE OVER ISLAMIC DOCTRINE** “I’m just not Muslim enough” claims Taliban strongman. **CIA INTELLIGENCE REPORT: AFGHANISTAN MAY BE CLOSER THAN EVER TO DEVELOPING FLINTLOCK** **RAND MCNALLY DEBATES LAYOUT OF NEW GLOBES** May have to include “smoking crater” stickers for middle east region. \*\*IN BOLD PREEMPTIVE MOVE FRANCE SURRENDERS \*\* ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/43 "2001-09-17T19:28:53Z")
**Angry Mobs Blame Existence of Airplanes** Dayton, Kittyhawk burned to the ground **Bush Evacuates White House; Gore Seizes Presidency** Sells cabinet into slavery, orders execution of Supreme Court justices **Dan Rather Utters Ten Millionth Bad Simile** **NASA Sues NBC Over Brokaw’s On-Air Recollection of Challenger Disaster** **Local Man Finally Turns On Television** “Why didn’t somebody tell me what was going on?” **Afghanistan Plays Dumb** “Osama bin _who_?” ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/44 "2001-09-17T19:33:46Z")
**ANNE HECHE OFFERS EXTRATERRESTRIAL ASSISTANCE TO RESCUE WORKERS; FLYING SAUCERS TO LIFT RUBBLE But will not participate in “further violence” adds troubled actress ITALY WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN ATTACK ON AFGHANISTAN, AMERICA BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF GUILIANI: NEW YORK MAFIA FAMILIES “MORE UNITED THAN EVER”; TO SEND BIG VINNIE AND TOOTS OVER THE AFGHANISTAN TO "TAKE CARE OF THINGS"** ---
**Author:** ![Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazing_Magic-Gro_Monster)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/45 "2001-09-17T19:41:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Vinnie Virginslayer \* > \*\ ***ITALY WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN ATTACK ON AFGHANISTAN, AMERICA BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF** Hitting pretty close to home there! ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/46 "2001-09-17T19:49:01Z")
\*\*Stockbroker Suicide At Record Low Since Tuesday Morgan Stanley Files Lawsuit Against Fire, Gravity Cellular Phones Actually Revealed to Have a Purpose New Yorkers Look Up While Walking, Report Strange Sensation New WTC Will Retract Into Ground to Avoid Future Attacks David Blaine Discovered in WTC Basement - Has Been Sealed in Concrete for 6 Days Peter Jennings Awarded Daytime Emmy for Performance During Crisis Oliver Stone Formulates Single-Plane Theory\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/47 "2001-09-17T19:49:23Z")
**BARBARA WALTERS TEARFUL INTERVIEW WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN TO BE BROADCAST THUR NIGHT “All I wanted as a child was a puppy,” teary-eyed Islamic terrorist reveals “THAT 70S SHOW” EPISODE WILL NOT AIR Censors worry that scene of Fez blowing up WTC while high on pot might be offensive to some viewers SUDDENLY POPULAR SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC TO BE HONORED BY CONGRESS DON KING’S HAIR WAS AN AIRLINE TARGET, OFFICIALS SAY Boxing promoter says “Only in America” could such a plot be averted** ---
**Author:** ![keeper0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@keeper0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/keeper0)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/48 "2001-09-17T20:00:58Z")
Hijackers refused to fly TWA “We’re not that crazy!” says spokesman. ---
**Author:** ![Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazing_Magic-Gro_Monster)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/49 "2001-09-17T20:04:21Z")
**IN POSSIBLE CONFUSION OVER TARGET TERRORISTS ATTACK WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION** Hulk Hogan: “Oh yeah! Bring it on!” – Iron Shiek sought for questioning. **WAL-MART WITHDRAWS “BIN-LAUDIN AND HIS KUNG-FU FIGHTIN’ FORCE” ACTION FIGURES** “It just seems like the right thing to do” ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/50 "2001-09-17T20:10:11Z")
\*\*WRIGHT BROTHERS TARGETED BY LAWSUIT FOLLOWING DISASTER Future airplanes will include warning labels TED KAZINSKI: “SEE, IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE” PALESTINIAN TERRORIST GROUP REVERSES EARLIER CLAIM OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR HURRICANE FRAN\*\* ---
**Author:** ![ModernRonin2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@ModernRonin2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ModernRonin2)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/51 "2001-09-17T20:19:52Z")
**Powell vows to invade Afganistan, kidnap goat** Tearful Osama bin Laden begs for mercy, “It’s the only one we have!” -Ben ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/52 "2001-09-17T20:22:13Z")
**JERRY FALWELL FINALLY ON BOARD WITH ATTACK ON BIN LADEN Produces evidence terrorist may be homosexual THAILAND PLEDGES SUPPORT OF U.S. MILITARY EFFORT Will donate 12 year old girls as hookers to servicemen RESCUE WORKERS ASKED TO LEAVE WTC SITE- SPOTTED WHITE OWL SIGHTED AL GORE SHAVES BEARD Denies he is Bin Laden supporter after being seen with turban, denies Tipper is one of five wives CHARLES MANSON CONDEMNS OSAMA BIN LADEN “That guy scares the hell out of me,” confesses convicted killer FRIDAY NIGHT EXECUTIONS POSTPONED IN AFGHANISTAN “Out of respect for victims,” says Taliban. No word on playoffs.** ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/53 "2001-09-17T20:31:16Z")
**High School Geometry Student Shows Engineers Simplicity of Constructing a Pentagon** Compass, straightedge among essential tools **Terrorists Dismantle, Steal World Trade Center** Theft occurred over a period of two months, while no one was looking \*\*Debates Begin on Senate Bill Outlawing Hijacking Planes \*\* “It’s high time we did something about this” **Hijacked Bicycle Slams Into World Trade Center** Reports of bruises abound **Osama Bin Laden Denies Own Existence** “That’s why I couldn’t have been responsible” **FBI Expands Suspect List** Warrants issued for the arrest of anyone who has ever been on an airplane **Taliban to U.S.: Only We Are Allowed To Make The People Of Afghanistan Suffer** ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/54 "2001-09-17T20:32:28Z")
AFGHANISTAN HIDES IN THE CELLAR New Country Called “Afghanistan’s Neighbour” Formed, Told “If Anyone Knocks, We’re Not Here” TOM CRUISE MARRIES RICKY MARTIN “No-One’s Going To Note Anyway”, Exalts Happy Couple IRAN NOT EVEN SUSPECTED “We Knew Progressing To 18th Century Was A Smart Move”, Tells President Khatami ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/55 "2001-09-17T20:53:19Z")
**Local Potheads Still Unsure If Trade Center Is Actually Gone** “Like, I saw it collapse - or was that acid? I’m so totally fucking stoned,” says NY stoner **New York Satellite TV Subscribers Rejoice At Improved Reception** **Congress Approves $15 Billion Funding For New Phallic Symbols** **John Edward: I’ll Be Channeling Osama Bin Laden On Nov. 5 TV Special** **Penn and Teller Apprehended Outside Las Vegas; WTC In Trunk** **Dennis Miller Unveils New Line of Witty WTC References** “That tackle folded him up like the World Trade Center” **"No good reason for Pentagon to have so many sides," says Bush** ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/56 "2001-09-17T20:56:17Z")
**BOMB THREAT CALLED INTO PHILADELPHIA VETERAN’S STADIUM City refuses to respond, says “Caller would be doing us a favor, as long as it’s not during a game.” WORLD TRADE CENTER COULD BE CLONED University researchers hard at work; religious groups protest PRESIDENT CARTER BACKS STRONG ACTION Hopes Bush will follow his example of strength against Middle Eastern rogue nations** ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/57 "2001-09-17T21:17:37Z")
**Creation Scientists deny WTC bombing occurred** “I mean think about it!” says “Dr.” Kent Hovind, “the odds of any one American dying in a terrorist attack are 1 in 10 million. What are the odds of 5000 at once?” **Afghanistan claims they don’t know bin Laden** “We may have met him once or twice at a party” claims supreme Taliban leader. **France calls up 10,000 reserves. Plans capitulation drills over the weekend** ---
**Author:** ![psychogumby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@psychogumby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychogumby)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/58 "2001-09-17T21:38:03Z")
TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY CLAIMED TO BE NEXT TERRORIST TARGET Plane seen taking off from the Grassy Knoll. ---
**Author:** ![Grimace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3e96dc/32.png) [@Grimace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grimace)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/59 "2001-09-17T21:44:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > \*\ ***McDonalds Accused of Harboring Terrorists** > Grimace was most assuredly involved in the WTC attacks! HEY! Yeah, that’s right Spoofe, I’ll remember that next time you come and get a shake! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/60 "2001-09-17T21:48:32Z")
**Pagans, Abortionists, Feminists, Gays, Lesbians, ACLU, People For the American Way, NOW, Christ-Haters Admit Guilt** “Yeah, it was us all along. We had no idea [Jerry] Falwell was on to us!” **Corpses Found In Compromising Positions** Unusual number of dead discovered in boss/secretary pairings. **Greenspan Denies Wrongdoing** “Hey, I wasn’t anywhere near there on Tuesday. Don’t blame me if my power increases exponentially to my saving the U.S. economy - it’s not my fault.” Esprix [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=4)