# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/61 "2001-09-17T23:02:52Z")
This thread idea _is_ somewhat sick, but you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. **BIZARRO-WORLD NEW YORK CITY CITIZENS MOURN DESTRUCTION OF 110-STORY AIRPLANE** Studies say landmark was destroyed by “two hijacked office buildings” I also thought of something about Bush actually being smart (I heard him use the word “cow” yesterday to mean “to fear or threaten into submission”-an acceptable use of the word), but I don’t know how to “headline” it, really. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/62 "2001-09-17T23:42:54Z")
“Fooled You!” - David Copperfield ---
**Author:** ![Oblong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c0e974/32.png) [@Oblong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oblong)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/63 "2001-09-18T00:06:03Z")
Ok, my favorite, for it’s subtely is the Al Gore shaving his beard reference. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/64 "2001-09-18T00:13:06Z")
**Earthquake Claims 1000 Lives in Japan - Taliban Denies Responsibility** **bin Laden Base Experiencing Unprecedented Heat Wave** - Forecasts call for temperatures approaching that of the surface of the sun **PETA Claims Responsibility for WTC Attacks** - ‘We couldn’t get there in time to save the rabbits from the falling debris, unfortunately’ **Military Already Has Enough Easily Brainwashable Youths** - ‘Yeah, we don’t need any more adolescents trying to fit in. All the ones we needed signed up for the free scholarships when there wasn’t a war.’ **Bush To Announce Plans To Replace World Trade Center With New 'The Whole Universe Trade Center’** ---
**Author:** ![Fugazi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f08c70/32.png) [@Fugazi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fugazi)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/65 "2001-09-18T00:44:34Z")
Ya’ll are some sick mofo’s. Someone should send a copy of this to bin Laden. If he knew Americans (sometimes) think like this, he would get dispirited and give up. ---
**Author:** ![Semp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Semp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Semp)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/66 "2001-09-18T01:20:29Z")
**Hijacker: I didn’t think Paradise would be so hot!** _Satan: They just don’t seem to get it_ ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/67 "2001-09-18T01:43:48Z")
**FAA Assigns Specially Trained Dogs to National Airports!** K-9 Crews Trained to Sniff Out Minute Quantities of Hummus **NOW HIRING!!!** NYC Unemployment Rate Falls to All Time Low **New Jersey Organized Crime Task Force Dismantled** Source says, “There ain’t nothin’ in Jersey landfills 'cept garbage.” I am going to hell. ---
**Author:** ![Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazing_Magic-Gro_Monster)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/68 "2001-09-18T01:52:01Z")
**UNITED STATES SURRENDERS TO TALIBAN!!** Worlds premier superpower to adopt Muslim religion, rigid interpretation of koran. “You’ve gotta’ be Goddamn shitting me!?!” exclaims Bin Laudin upon notification of his victory. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/69 "2001-09-18T03:01:18Z")
**France Surrenders To Taliban, United States, NATO, Russia, Nepal, Carthage, Spice Girls** **Impending War Panics Stupid Old People** **Bill Clinton Already Planning To Dodge Draft** **Rumsfeld Visits Aircraft Carrier USS Truman; Declares It "Fuckin’ Awesome"** **Teletubbies Masterminded WTC Attack, Claims Falwell** **Nation Mourns Terrorist Failure To Kill SNL Cast** ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/70 "2001-09-18T03:03:55Z")
[sub]You dopers rock [/sub] \*\*Eastern Airlines: Don’t Blame Us, we’ve been bankrupt for years. Braniff & Pan Am echo statement. \*\* \*\*Lee Harvey Oswald Was Second Spitter \*\* \*\*Sex In the City Star Kim Catrall Volunteers To Aid Firemen In Lifting Their Hose. " It’s the least I could do" \*\* \*\*Woody Allen Not Killed In WTC Bombing. " The City is deeply saddened to hear that he was not killed." says a source from the mayor’s office. \*\* \*\* NYPD Detective Lenny BriscoIs On the Case. " I expect to have a suspect in the next thirty minutes." \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/71 "2001-09-18T03:18:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > > * * * > > **Bill Clinton Already Planning To Dodge Draft** > > * * * President Clinton picture here buying a dime bag from his dealer, Mr. Marion Barry. “It’s been awhile since I’ve toked, but I figure a couple of Cheech & Chong movies, a bag of cheeto’s and I’ll get right back in the saddle. It’s like riding a intern, do it once, you never forget.” Says the former Most Popular President Of All Time. \*\*Images of Chandra Levy Seen In the WTC Smoke \*\* “Beats the fuck outta me. " Says Condit, " I dumped her body in Rhode Island.” \*\*WTC Survivor Turns Out to Be Hoffa! \*\* " I came out here for a Yankee Game and have been lost in the transit system for 25 years." Says the former Union Leader, “I survived by honing my 3 card monty skills and chump changing people.” Hoffa shrieked like a little girl when he was lead into sunlight. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/72 "2001-09-18T03:27:00Z")
**Senate Outlaws Messenger Bike Services** It’s High Time We Put An End To This Irresponsible Behavior. What if one of them crashed into a high rise building? “I shudder to think what might happen.” Says Senator Carl Levin. \*\* Special Commando Team Heading To Wipe Out Taliban \*\* An international crack unit consisting of the Queen Mum, Stephan Hawking, Katherine Hepburn, The Pope, Keith Richards, The Entire Cast of SNL Past and Present and Ronald Reagan have joined forces to parachute into the frontier of Afghansistan. " We’ve been given the gift of life, " Says the Queen Mum, sporting a lovely violet ensemble with a matching hat and bag made special for the strike, “We are all on everyone’s Dead Pool List.” ---
**Author:** ![Spoonbender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spoonbender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoonbender)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/73 "2001-09-18T03:29:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Syzygy \* > \*\ ***Oliver Stone Formulates Single-Plane Theory** \*\* Thank you, Syzygy, that is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a week. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/74 "2001-09-18T03:41:01Z")
\*\*Japan Pissed That Their Pearl Harbor Record Was Broken \*\* “Next year we bomb Disneyland at Easter. " Says Prime Minister , " I’d like to see the Taliban beat that!” ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/75 "2001-09-18T03:46:30Z")
**D. B. COOPER INSISTS THAT HE "REALLY DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT"** ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/76 "2001-09-18T03:48:03Z")
\*\*GOOD FINANCIAL NEWS: VIAGRA SALES THROUGH THE ROOF Pfizer denies TV image seen by millions of men over and over and over again of a long, tall erect object being reduced into a stump had anything to do with it SKY MARSHALS FACE CHALLENGE Big metal stars won’t pass through airport metal detectors NHL TO REDUCE SCHEDULE TO SIX GAMES, NO PLAYOFFS, ONE GAME TO DECIDE STANLEY CUP TO BE PLAYED AUGUST 2003 “We all want to do our part”, comments commissioner Gary Bentmann SEPTEMBER 11, 2001, THE DAY THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING- EXCEPT THE FACT THAT HILLARY CLINTON IS STILL A BITCH TERRORISTS HIT WRONG TARGETS! Meant to hit Sears Tower, Astrodome, But Used CIA Maps BASEBALL RESUMES! Millions of viewers flood ESPN switchboard to complain that watching endless hours of footage of firemen going through rubble was so much more exciting AFGHANISTAN PLEADS: PLEASE DON’T BOMB US INTO THE ORDOVICIAN AGE\*\* ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/77 "2001-09-18T03:55:21Z")
I read the link that says the Onion is going to be hands off for at least this week. From that perspective, I think the most likely headline is going to be something like this: **Terrorists Shocked To Find Themselves In Hell** “This wasn’t in the brochure,” complained Khalid al Midhar. Al Midhar, a well known terrorist and _houri_ fan claims that bin Laden told him that Heaven would be his reward. “I certainly wasn’t expecting Eternal damnation”, said another terrorist who refused to give his name, “perhaps we should have read the Qur’an a bit more closely.” Bin Laden could not be reached for comment. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/78 "2001-09-18T03:58:33Z")
**WTC denies being bombed** Offers to take drug test to prove it **Taliban’s Dart-Board-O’-Excuses expanded to a full acre in size** ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/79 "2001-09-18T04:08:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smeghead \* > \*\ ***WTC denies being bombed** > Offers to take drug test to prove it > > * * * {snort} \*\*Nothing Happens In Hollywood \*\* “It’s weird.” Says Jennifer Anniston-Pitt, " We aren’t the center of attention this week. Is it my hair?" \*\*12 Year Old Boy Killed By Shark Off Coast Of Florida \*\* Taliban denies responsiblity. " Ask Cuba," Says Muhammad el-Jabbar, a spokesman for the extremist group. " They’ve been suspicously quiet lately." \*\*Princess Diana Comes Back To Life \*\* “Looks like I picked the wrong week to return from the grave.” Says the princess. Franklin Mint “Diana Collection” prices bottom out. \*\*Beanie Babies Issue A Commemorative WTC Teddy Bear \*\* " It will be covered in blood and have its fur burned off of it in a tasteful manner." Says company spokesperson Tammi Dingle. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/80 "2001-09-18T04:11:28Z")
**Nation Momentarily Pretends President is not an Idiot** “Yeah, I’m behind him all the way. I, uh, think he’s doing a good job. I mean, he’s handling things alright. I guess,” say citizens. **Second-string Reporters Laud Terrorist Actions** “Finally I get airtime!” says small-time reporter Joe Shmoe. **America Target of International Terrorism; “Join the fucking club!” says rest of world.** **Terrorists Attack Rural Pennsylvania** “For too long has rural Pennsylvania subjugated Islamic people,” says terrorist spokesman. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=5)