# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![quixotic78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3ab097/32.png) [@quixotic78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quixotic78)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/101 "2001-09-18T14:03:46Z")
**Crotches Grabbed** “We got yer World Freakin’ Trade Center RIGHT HERE,” proclaim 7 million New Yorkers. ---
**Author:** ![Juniper200](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@Juniper200](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Juniper200)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/102 "2001-09-18T14:19:21Z")
> [@](#): > > **Godzilla Found, Half-Dead, Suffering From Asthma Attack in Tunnels Beneath the WTC** > As a sign of respect and sorrow the Queen Mother has “Karma Chameleon” played at changing of the guard. Mercutio, you’re my new god. ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/103 "2001-09-18T14:44:42Z")
**Gravity Arrested** Blamed in collapse of World Trade Center towers **Asteroid Smashes Into Siberia** May have been hijacked **Deranged Hermit Revises Schedule** Had planned to bomb WTC September 12: “Those bastards beat me to it.” **Afghanistan Self-Destructs** Taliban official “hit the wrong button,” meant to just turn the light off **Pope Denies Role In Terrorist Attack** Powell names him as prime suspect anyway ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/104 "2001-09-18T14:52:37Z")
**Maverick Pilot’s Fly-by Goes Horribly Wrong** Spills more than coffee this time **Terrorists Ask For Directions To WTC** “You can’t miss 'em,” says local man **New Jersey Tourism Board Readies Its “We’re Not As Cool, But Who’d Waste A Bomb On Us?” Ad Campaign** **Christopher Lowell Revealed As WTC Mastermind** “I’ve got three words for you: tacky, tacky, tacky!” says Lowell **NYC Homeless Outraged at Sudden Outpouring of Food and Supplies** “What, my Starbucks cup isn’t motivation enough?” says 6th Avenue panhandler **French Parachutist Blamed for Lack of Readiness** “Yeah, we saw the radar blip, but we thought it was another asshole performance artist,” says ATC Fred Randich ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/105 "2001-09-18T14:54:35Z")
\*\*WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES BIN LADEN STRATEGY: PLAY “GOD BLESS THE USA” BY LEE GREENWOOD 500 TIMES “That’ll smoke 'em out” says Bush, cites country listener suicides across the country, same tendency in terrorists CARROT TOP 10-10-21 COMMERICAL PULLED Shows flame haired comedian telling World Trade Center employees to try his calling plan instead of using cell phones; “Not appropriate at this time,” says spokesman PR DISASTER: SUPERMAN WAS ON GOLF VACATION DURING ATTACKS, OFFICIALS SAY Poll shows Man of Steel’s approval rating down 75%; Krypton sends regrets\*\* ---
**Author:** ![jmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dbc845/32.png) [@jmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmonster)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/106 "2001-09-18T15:08:00Z")
**President Signs Death Warrant for bin Laden, Other Terrorists** _Bush: “Just like being Governor.”_ **NBC Logo Designer “Pretty Happy” with Radar-Themed ‘Attack On America’ Graphic** _Took “about five minutes” to design; Crosshair theme also considered_ **Latest Report: First Plane Asked WTC Tower For Autograph Before Crashing** **Bipartisan Coalition: Make Nostradamus Mandatory In Schools** _“Tragedy could have been averted”; Cites email from cousin_ **Terror In Our Schools: First Grader Arrested After Knocking Over Tower of Blocks** _Boy is “possible suspect”, says FBI; Milton Bradley execs questioned about Jenga_ ---
**Author:** ![cygnus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e0b2c6/32.png) [@cygnus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cygnus)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/107 "2001-09-18T15:16:09Z")
In a surprisingly ironic turnabout, an entire planeload of Bin Laden supporters has been hijacked en route to Afghanistan and is now grounded at a nearby airport. Hijackers are threatening to release one hostage every hour until their demands are met. _bowing in humility before all the truly funny who have posted before_ (It is so true that you guys rock - thanks.) ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/108 "2001-09-18T15:46:16Z")
\*\*TERRORISTS HIJACK TWO X-WING FIGHTERS, CRASH THEM INTO DEATH STAR Galactic Empire names Jedi terrorist Obi Wan Kenobi “prime suspect”, accuses Tatooine of “harboring fugitives”; mulls possible destruction of star system in retaliation. CHARLTON HESTON: GUNS COULD HAVE AVERTED TRAGEDY “If just one WTC employee had a handgun, airliner could have been shot down!” wheezes NRA chief COPYCAT CRIME: ABORIGINE HIJACKS BOOMERANG, TRIES TO BRING DOWN HUT “Were in shock,” says Aussie government “DOPE PEDDLING QUEEN OF ENGLAND BEHIND ATTACKS!” CLAIMS LYNDON LAROUCHE World yawns\*\* ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/109 "2001-09-18T16:14:16Z")
**SYMPATHETIC AMERICANS TO THROW HOUSEWARMING PARTY FOR BIN LADEN “We’ll bring the barbecue, extra hot” they promise with a smile** [sub](I’m so ashamed of myself…)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/110 "2001-09-18T17:02:21Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **Vinnie Virginslayer** _ > > **BUSH APPROVAL RATING AT 102%** > “Recount may be in order,” pollster admits I thought they were all +/- 3% anyway? 🙂 > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **RickJay** _ > > Advice: > Ask A Crazed Terrorist "Dear Crazed Terrorist, My boyfriend has been pressuring me lately for sex. Although I’m not a virgin, I find that as I get older, being intimate with someone means more and more to me. He’s a great guy, and we’ve been going out for a couple months, but now all of a sudden he wants to ‘get it over with.’ I think something meaningful could develop between us given enough time. Should I ‘get it over with,’ tell him what I feel, or just dump him? - _Troubled in Tennessee_" "Dear Troubled, Nobody move! I have a boxcutter and I know how to use it! We are hijacking this plane! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I will kill this woman if you do not shut up! Everyone move to the back of the plane! MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! We do this for the greater glory of Allah! You will all die glorious deaths! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" (See y’all in hell!) Esprix ---
**Author:** ![robgruver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@robgruver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robgruver)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/111 "2001-09-18T17:09:28Z")
**Bin Laden traded to the Braves for John Rocker** “We just can’t have that controversy on this team.” frustrated Afgah coach says. “Fuck that!” Rocker exclaims. **Special Bird Flipping This Evening** All Americans are asked at 4:20 this evening to flip the bird in the general direction of Afganastan. **The Pope Addresses the World** “Kill the fucker!” he exclaims. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/112 "2001-09-18T17:21:13Z")
Oh, and somebody send the URL of this thread to The Onion, and make sure we get credit! Esprix ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/113 "2001-09-18T17:23:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\* > "Dear Crazed Terrorist, > > My boyfriend has been pressuring me lately for sex. Although I’m not a virgin, I find that as I get older, being intimate with someone means more and more to me. He’s a great guy, and we’ve been going out for a couple months, but now all of a sudden he wants to ‘get it over with.’ I think something meaningful could develop between us given enough time. Should I ‘get it over with,’ tell him what I feel, or just dump him? > > - _Troubled in Tennessee_" > > "Dear Troubled, > > Nobody move! I have a boxcutter and I know how to use it! We are hijacking this plane! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I will kill this woman if you do not shut up! Everyone move to the back of the plane! MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! We do this for the greater glory of Allah! You will all die glorious deaths! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" > \*\* (Achmed al-Saame is a crazed, brainwashed Islamic terrorist who advice column, _Ask A Crazed Terrorist,_ appears in 150 newspapers nationwide.) Other Point-Counterpoints: **We Cannot Win A War Against Terrorism** By Dr. Elwood P. Politicalscientist vs. **I Am So Totally Fucked** By Osama bin Laden or **We Must Remember Our Roots And Love Our Arab-American Neighbours** by Colin Powell, Secretary of State vs. **Kill The Dune Coons** by Herbert S. Thudhopper, Redneck ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/114 "2001-09-18T17:39:00Z")
**LOCAL MAN PINPOINTS TERRORIST HEADQUARTERS Heroic area resident captures, beats Pakistani convenience store owner. “We don’t know how Svenson caught the dirty towelhead, but all of America owes him their lives,” says FBI spokesman.** ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/115 "2001-09-18T17:47:43Z")
Vinnie, I think I am your number one fan! \*\*Pope begs for bin Laden’s life to be spared. \*\* Captured islam leader Osama bin Laden was found guilty last week for terrorist activites and having a spotty kitchen towel on his head. Wanting to do the right thing, George W has decided to listen to the pontiff’s plea and extradite Osama bin Laden to live with his Holiness in Vatican City. Pope JP2 heard to reply, " Fuck that, he’s a nutjob." ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/116 "2001-09-18T18:04:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Amazing Magic-Gro Monster \* > \*\ ***UNITED STATES SURRENDERS TO TALIBAN!!** > Worlds premier superpower to adopt Muslim religion, rigid interpretation of koran. “You’ve gotta’ be Goddamn shitting me!?!” exclaims Bin Laudin upon notification of his victory. \*\* This and the single plane theory are absolutely the two best ( then mine, naturally.) ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/117 "2001-09-18T18:17:36Z")
\*\*Trees outside Pentagon damanged in attack. Greenpeace cheezed off now. \*\* \*\*Americans Opt for Peaceful Conclusion. No Invasion Planned. \*\* Enraged Amish forgo their dogma, willing to lay down their pitchforks and beat the shit of Afghans. “Only it will take us about 28 weeks to get there by horse and buggy.” Hans Yoder said to Colin Powell. " They aren’t that much different than us." **All Afghani borders are closed.** Neighboring countries build 200 high foot walls and NYC pipes their sewage system over. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/118 "2001-09-18T18:23:40Z")
\*\*World Trade Center Bombed \*\* No pigeons were killed. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/119 "2001-09-18T18:35:33Z")
\*\*Native Americans Take To Supreme Court \*\* Claiming that their ancestors were drunk on fire water or writhing in pain from VD and small pox, John Sitting Duck of the PontiacGM Tribe is launching on behalf of the two hundred tribal members a lawsuit to win back the land that was “pretty much stolen from us. I mean, what kind of fuckin’ rube would take $24 and some beads for an island near all these airports, train and broadway shows?” If it wins the historic lawsuit the members of the PontiacGM tribe have vowed to build a casino. " It will be tasteful, " Says Sitting Duck, " With performers like Raffi, Willie Nelson and Wayne Newton on the bill." \*\*World Trade Center To Be Rebuilt by Private Company \*\* Bankruptcy forced the sale of prime real estate in Lower Manhatten to a company called \*YoYoDyne Propulsion Systems \*run by capitalist/mad scientist John Whorphin. " I not worried about dis Osama Bin Laudin fellow-a. He is a monkey boy." Says Whorphin, " But itza dis Buckaroo Bonzai who chaps my ass." ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/120 "2001-09-18T18:46:56Z")
**Bush seeks aid of Fremen** “What we need now is desert power,” says a troubled Bush. Shai Hallud was unavailable for comment… More --\> **Hellraiser star ‘Pinhead’ to punish bin Laden** “We’re just going to ‘overnight’ the Box to bin Laden,” reports Secretary of State Powell. Critics argue that bloody sand may revive the tortured soul… More–\> **Secret diary of Einstein reveals God’s plot!** “God does not play dice,” is a quote most often attributed to Einstien’s view of quantum reality. Paul Harvey indicates that this is only part of the story. “God specifically plays ‘Risk,’” says the source, “with Allah and the IPU…” More–\> **Britain Annexed as 51st US State** Ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair runs for a Senate seat. Campaign slogan details national health care and blind support for arbitrary foriegn policy. Christian fundamentalists cheer the country that “smokes fags…” More–\> **Psychics Warn: Don’t Rebuild the Real Estate!** Psychics around the US united to warn leaders not to rebuild the property. “If even one soul is not recovered from this tragedy and we rebuild,” cautions one psychic, “we forsee terrible poltergeist acts.” President Bush in an unofficial comment said that even ghosts cannot hide from American military and intelligence. More–\> [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=7)