# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/121 "2001-09-18T19:18:15Z")
**AFGHAN ULTIMATUM: U.S. HAS 24 HOURS TO TURN OVER GEORGE BUSH Taliban threatens to bomb America to “The Industrial Age”; Mexico negotiates settlement; Canada closes it’s borders to thousands of fleeing American refugees; Afghanistan rejects Gerald Ford in Bush’s place ELIAN GONZALES: “THANK GOD I LIVE IN A FREE COUNTRY!” FRENCH PASSENGERS SURRENDER CONCORDE, FLY IT INTO EIFFEL TOWER “Plane wasn’t even being hijacked,” reports disgusted Interpol official POPE HAS CHANGE OF HEART: DECLARES WAR ON AFGHANISTAN “Kill all the little fuckers,” Pontiff decrees; huge Vatican army masses on Pakistan frontier; deadly Papal airstrikes decimate Kabul, Chandahar** ---
**Author:** ![Tattva](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@Tattva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tattva)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/122 "2001-09-18T19:19:47Z")
\*\*Osama complains, “I haven’t gotten my White Elephant yet” Afghani flint knapping demonstrations tonight bin Laden secret love triangle - Batboy questioned\*\* ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/123 "2001-09-18T19:20:37Z")
**SDMB Poster seethruart Turns Attention to Mars** “After the attacks,” he claims, “the face on Mars is clearly crying.” Critics question how photographs from years ago can possibly change as a result of Teusday’s attacks. “Duh, _they’re Martians_,” he explains… More–\> ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/124 "2001-09-18T19:35:51Z")
Can I refine one of my earlier entries? Sure I can: **WTC DENIES BEING BOMBED Admits it "may have been a little smashed"** And also, **PENTAGON RENAMED “ODDLY ANGULAR HORSESHOE” Billions of dollars saved** ---
**Author:** ![Capt.Caustic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecc23a/32.png) [@Capt.Caustic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt.Caustic)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/125 "2001-09-18T19:48:54Z")
Psychotheripist: WTC Bombing, “A Cry for Help” Independence Day II Filming Begins in NYC. Spectators Wow’d by State of the Art Effects. ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/126 "2001-09-18T19:50:03Z")
**World Looks to Germany to Start a Thrid World War** “What?” innocently ask officials. “There is little precident for this,” they say… More–\> **Ghandi’s Corpse Rolls Over in Grave** Government officials report that world-reknowned peace promoter Ghandi turned over in his grave, as evidenced by spy satellite intelligence. “We need a man on the inside,” officials say, “to find out what this is all about.” Human intelligence has been reportedly weak in the last decade…More–\> **Beverly Hillbillies to Unify Middle East** Bubbul-in’ crude was reportedly purchased by millionare family from Beverly. Islamic supporters rally the “simple virtues” espoused by the gun-toting family. “They already invited us over for 'possum dinner,” reports Kaddafi. “This is just the kind of people we needed all along.” Israel purports to establish banking relations with all nations. Peace is on the doorstep, next to muddy boots…More–\> **Christian God not Ruled Out** Bible Belt, USA It seems that a parade held to salute the brave souls in Manhattan was rained on, sources say. “Its unequivocal,” says one parading member. “Three attacks on America, ok, bin Laden is a suspect. But now raining on our parade? This can only be divine intervention.” Pope reports God refuses to comment, indicating that anything said would undermine faith… More–\> ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/127 "2001-09-18T19:51:30Z")
It’s too bad that there’s about a 0% chance of this getting on Threadspotting. Ever. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/128 "2001-09-18T19:55:09Z")
Just the thought hearing the phrase, ‘You’ve got to be goddamn shitting me?!?!’ coming out of Bin Laden is enough to send me into giggles. **US Bombards Osama Bin Laden with Straight Dope Books: ‘I have seen the wisdom of the Great One, which is Cecil Adams, and I vow to tract down the Great Satan that is Dear Abby,’ the former terrorist proclaims** ---
**Author:** ![jmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dbc845/32.png) [@jmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmonster)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/129 "2001-09-18T19:56:58Z")
I don’t want to put a damper on the fun, but it looks to me like a couple of people here have not actually ever read The Onion. Now, I’m not saying my contributions are print-worthy, but some of these are actually anti-funny, in that they annihilate the surrounding funny. ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/130 "2001-09-18T20:08:12Z")
**NYC Sets World Record for Most Simultaneous Utterances of, "Holy Shit!"** **"Black Tuesday" at WTC Followed by “Black Monday” For NYSE - Giuliani Declares "Black September"** **News Stations Declare They Will Share Any Breaking Developments in WTC Tragedy** Satan Reports Nip In The Air **New WTC Will Have Airbags At Base** **Stevie Wonder Dies In PA While Retaking Hijacked Plane** Regains Control, Realizes He Is Blind, Loses Control **Nostradamus Quotes Describing WTC Tragedy Abound** Yale Professor: “It’s like they were written after the whole thing happened!” **Kevin Costner To Play Colin Powell In New Stone Film "WTC"** Bacon Will Play Tower 2 - “Six Degrees” Enthusiasts Disappointed **Bin Laden Reportedly "Just Joking"** Bin Laden: “Well, I didn’t expect such a fuss. I was just kidding; Can’t you take a joke? Sor-ry.” **Flame Wars Online Equate To Real Flames?** Bin Laden discovered to be rabid message board fanatic; constant flaming may have caused him to snap ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/131 "2001-09-18T20:15:56Z")
**Taliban Leaders Peace Offer** Taliban leaders told Pakistan’s mediators that they will “Refrain from crushing America underfoot” in exchange for leaving the planet earth. “Allah has no claim on the moon,” they explain. “This is really best for everyone.” JFK expected to be raised from dead to mastermind the space program necessary for such a task. Media to aid scientific process saying, “Well, we brought back the 70’s…” More–\> **Mattel to Release WTC Barbie** She will be wearing an American flag-like bikini, report executives. Executives also hint that Ken will no longer be produced. “Well, lets just say the tragedy hit everyone,” the press was told. More–\> **Clinton Mimics JFK to Deal with WTC Tragedy** “We are all Americans,” he tells the US press yesterday. President Bush reportedly was heard sneering, “What, he can’t speak German?” Both Democrats and Republicans are baffled at who to make fun of first, resulting in unthinkable bipartisanship… More–\> **Verizon Reports Overloaded Phone Lines** “Look,” report Verizon officials, “it isn’t like we had a monopoly on phone service to build infrastructure in case of an emergency.” Calls are then made to Reuters reporters, who claim to be the ‘real’ Verizon officials, denying everything. “Those guys have been fired,” the callers say. “They have never worked for us.” When asked to explain the contradictions, the callers replied, “It isn’t our fault. The phones must have problems with their batteries. Or something.” They quickly hung up. Reuters reporters “\*69’ed” them to find that… More–\> ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/132 "2001-09-18T20:27:00Z")
**Bush Blames Father** “You’re the one who pissed bin Laden off in Desert Storm!” cries President, former president’s son. **Hussein vows to reclaim position as America’s public enemy #1** “That rat-bastard Osama!” spits the Iraqui strongman. “I’ve spent 11 long years working my way to the top. I’m not about to give it up to some rich boy from the coast!” ---
**Author:** ![ElwoodCuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/edb3f5/32.png) [@ElwoodCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElwoodCuse)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/133 "2001-09-18T20:39:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jmonster \* > \*\*Infographic: > > Who are we blaming? > > **Dirty Arabs** - 10% > **Mussulmen** - 23% > **Godless Arabs** - 7% > **Towelheads** - 39% > **Taxi Drivers** - 14% > **Elders of Zion** - 4% > **Other** - 3% \*\* I think that’s my favorite of this thread so far. Here’s my contribution: MCVEIGH DENOUNCES ATTACK “I WOULD HAVE DONE IT BETTER” HELL – In an interview today from Hell, executed Oklahoma City Bomber Tim McVeigh denounced the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington as “sloppy”. “Me and Terry, we were just two guys. We barely could afford the fertilizer and the truck,” he said. “If we had the manpower and funds at our disposal like these guys did, we could have wiped out a whole city.” ---
**Author:** ![Stiletto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a4c791/32.png) [@Stiletto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stiletto)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/134 "2001-09-18T20:52:15Z")
**LEGO[sup]TM[/sup] SUED FOR COLLAPSE OF WTC** - “We really never expected it to melt like that…” **STOCK MARKET CRASH BLAMED ON FLAG SHORTAGE** **WTC ATTACK BLAMED ON COMPAQ, HP MERGER** “There was just so much bad press, we had to do something” **KEY WITNESSES IN MICROSOFT MONOPOLY CASE KILLED IN WTC** Justice Department representatives believe Gates may have paid Bin Laden for “Elimination of witnesses”. 😃 -Stil ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/135 "2001-09-18T21:00:15Z")
I just wanna say “thank you” to all the Dopers in this thread, for making me not only smile, but also laugh out loud for the first time in a week. Not just once but a number of times. 🙂 For the first time I think maybe we might get through this, if we can find ways to laugh at it. An extra-special DDG “thank you” to Vinnie Virginslayer for the LOLs. I stand in awe. You rock. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/136 "2001-09-18T21:30:52Z")
**Bin Laden: "My Bad"** “We’re still cool, right?” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/137 "2001-09-18T22:37:36Z")
\*\*bin Laden Apologizes \*\* " Toronto was the target, not New York. I love New York, it is where I learned to drive a hack. I wanted to start a holy war with Canada, those Molson drinking Godless hockeybastards. I hate Anne Murray and don’t even get me started on Gordon Lightfoot." rants Osama Bin Laden. “What in the hell is curling anyways?” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/138 "2001-09-18T22:40:19Z")
\*\*Osama To Host SNL \*\* Musical Act: Ozzy Osborn Dana Carvey will be “interviewing” OBL as the Church Lady. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/139 "2001-09-18T22:48:37Z")
**FEDS MOVE ON LOCAL JR. HIGH SCHOOL** _FBI apprehends students throwing paper darts at 3D puzzles_ **JCS CHAIRMAN COMPLAINS OF "HIJACKER GAP"** _U.S. lags behind in kamikaze pilot training, report warns_ **STARBUCKS OPENS INSIDE WTC RUINS** _Corporate spokesman announces three more branches to open soon_ **LOCKHEED L-1011 TRISTAR BACK IN PRODUCTION** _Company claims low air-to-building collision rate behind decision_ **KEVIN COSTNER TO PRODUCE FOLLOW-UP TO THIRTEEN DAYS** \*Script titled _Four Airplanes_ ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/140 "2001-09-18T22:50:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > **Godless Hockeybastards** BAND NAME [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=8)