# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/141 "2001-09-18T23:07:17Z")
I LOVE you guys. I mean, I seriously seriously LOVE you guys!!! **Osama Bin Laden Admits that His Evil Second Personality, Amaso Nib Nedal, was actually responsible** ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/142 "2001-09-18T23:08:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*“Black Tuesday” at WTC Followed by “Black Monday” For NYSE - Giuliani Declares “Black September” \*\* \*\*Garment District Up In Arms Over Mayors Declaration Of Black September \*\* " Black is sooooo outre." Lisps Chrystopher Shelly of Gnocchi & Spumoni Collection, " What’s next? Brown November? Paisley December? If we let knuckle dragging heterosexuals like the Mayor make major fashion decisions I \*shudder \* to think of what will happen to our society as we know it." \*\*WTC TO Be Rebuilt \*\* City council decide to build a 150 story glass and steel building. Financiers and investment houses are staying away this time around, but have no fear, to thumb their collective noses at OBL, NYC mayor/lust bunny has received the go ahead to have the building be the worlds largest brothel-sex shop. Guiliana plans to take away business from Amsterdam. “We’re legalizing pot, peep shows and prostitution here! It will generate billions in tourism and medicinal marijuana. Thanks, Osama.” \*\*NFL cancels weekend games out of respect for Attack \*\* Men across America are forced to spend “quality” time with their families and taking care of the ‘honey do’ list rather than go into a hypnotic stupor on the couch watching 13 different teams playing at the same time thanks to Picture In Picture In Picture. "That fuckin’ bin Laden’ was the most repeated slur picked up by spy satellites across the country. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/143 "2001-09-18T23:09:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > > **Godless Hockeybastards** > > BAND NAME \*\* Really or are you funning? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/144 "2001-09-18T23:16:56Z")
> [@](#): > > STARBUCKS OPENS INSIDE WTC RUINS > Corporate spokesman announces three more branches to open soon DAMN DAMN DAMN you Michael Ellis…you beat me to the punch ;0 If there is evil in this world, it is Starbucks. Sorrry, please resume your regular satizing our national tragedy. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/145 "2001-09-18T23:18:00Z")
Sorry, that would be \*\*satirizing \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Semp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Semp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Semp)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/146 "2001-09-18T23:33:11Z")
**Bin Laden Connection to Flying Carpet Industry Confirmed** _Boeing Calls for Embargo of Magical Floor Coverings_ ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/147 "2001-09-18T23:39:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > \*\*What about Point-Counterpoint? > > We Must Find The Perpetrators And Bring Them To Justice > By President George W. Bush > > It Sure As Fuck Wasn’t Me, Holy Shit, No Way > By Yassir Arafat I’d just like to say this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in quite some time. ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/148 "2001-09-18T23:55:29Z")
SEINFELD KILLED IN WTC TRAGEDY Doctors declare his condition ‘satisfactory’ NY SUBWAY: MASSIVE DISRUPTION DUE TO TRAGEDY ‘Hard to tell’ say residents MIXED FEELINGS OF AFGHANISTAN TEENAGE BOYS Loved the attack. Angry at delays to Spiderman movie. MOMENT OF CONFUSION France surrenders to itself SOUVENIR POSTCARD VENDORS FACING RUIN ‘WTC features in every damned one’ - Vendor MILITARY FORMULATES RESPONSE TO PENTAGON ATTACK ‘To be re-named The Square’ says spokesman ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/149 "2001-09-19T00:02:51Z")
Under any other circumstances, y’all would be banned by now. You know that, right? [sub]Carry on. I especially liked the “Afghanistan markets crash: goats drop from 5 to 2 bushels in hours”.[/sub] 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/150 "2001-09-19T01:01:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\*Sorry, please resume your regular satirizing our national tragedy. \*\* You make it sound like a bad thing. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/151 "2001-09-19T01:31:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Coldfire \* > \*\*Under any other circumstances, y’all would be banned by now. You know that, right? > > [sub]Carry on. I especially liked the “Afghanistan markets crash: goats drop from 5 to 2 bushels in hours”.[/sub] > 😃 \*\* Dammit, I even used JDT in mine! And it was pretty clever, but NOOOOO One noticed! Humph!!! I’m taking my ideas and going home, you guys are mean! [sub] Seriously, love headlines-hell, we should organize a coup and take over the Onion headquarters [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Zappo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b3f665/32.png) [@Zappo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zappo)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/152 "2001-09-19T02:03:25Z")
**"The Bitches Asked For It," say Chrysler Building, Pan Am Tower** “Struttin’ around all high-profile, flashing they helipads like they all that, you know someone gonna take 'em out,” Say Famous Towers Flatiron Building: “They’re Just Jealous” Zappo ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/153 "2001-09-19T02:08:38Z")
**Crazed Delaware Shriners Hijack Four Kabul Goat Carts, Knock Down Hut** **Farrakhan Blames "Whiteys, Kikes"** **Bin Laden Cleared: Drunken Bush Daughters Were At The Controls** **U.S. Forces To Receive “Goat Recognition” Briefings** **New Afghan Game Show “Who Wants To Be Hit With A Million Cluster Bombs?” Faring Poorly** **Eminem Claims Responsibility; Record Sales Soar** **WTC Now Second Biggest Bomb Of All Time: “The Postman” Holds On To #1** **Detroit In Worse Shape Than NYC Despite Lack Of Terrorist Acts** Point-Counterpoint **Gen Colin Powell Is a Great Asset To My Administration** by President George W. Bush vs **Soon I Will Overthrow The Imbecile And Be King** By General Colin Powell, Secretary of State ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/154 "2001-09-19T02:36:49Z")
**TV’s Mr. Dressup Found Dead** Coombs Kills Self, Says Couldn’t Bear Responsibility for NYC Attack ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/155 "2001-09-19T02:39:01Z")
**NYC Scientist Discovers Inverse Relationship Between Severity of Disaster and Propriety of Disaster-Related Jokes** Direct Relationship Between Event Severity and Degree of Joke Proliferance Also Discovered **Most Popular Joke Punchline Reported to Be "It’s Coming Right For Us!"** **Matt Stone, Trey Parker Can’t Find Humorous Angle In WTC Tragedy for South Park Episode** Cartoonists Reject “Cartman in Afghanistan” and “Kenny Visits Wall Street” **WTC Mountain of Rubble Replaced by Mountain of Sandwiches and Water Bottles** Hillock of Dog Food Also Discovered **Red Cross Surpasses Lawyers As #1 Bloodsuckers** Vampires Fall to Third Place - Dracula: “Blah!” **Rampant Hernias as Storekeepers Attempt to Move Full "Donation Barrels"** Forklifts Required; Strangely, None Available ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/156 "2001-09-19T02:45:35Z")
**Guiliani Depressed in Wake of WTC Tradgedy** “This horrible national tradgedy has decreased the size of my empire by at least 300 people,” a distraught Mayor Guiliani said, “Oh, there were some other people who died too.” **Saddam Hussein Invades Kuwait, Saudi Arabia. Illuminatti Confused** “There’s only supposed to be _one_ CIA-invented evil-dictator-slash-faceless-enemy at a _tiiiiime_” whined befuddled Illuminatus Primus Britney Spears. “Now our civlil unrest operations are all screwed _uuuuup_.” **France Surrenders to New York Cabbie** Maginot Line “still not really that great” concedes Chirac **Real Conspiracy Theorists Addamantly Deny Conspiracy** “I mean think about it,” remarked reputed conspiracy theorist Sn1per\_JFK/3c+0r on a little known Usenet discussion group last week, “This shit is so ridiculous even we can’t figure it out, so it must be true.” ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/157 "2001-09-19T02:47:56Z")
**Senior Bush to come out of retirement** _Kennebunkport_ - A source close to the former president claims that an announcement is imminent. George H to team up with George W in a Texas Cage match against Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Bush is quoted as saying, “Bring it on! Anytime, anyplace, you are going down!” before being restrained by his manager. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/158 "2001-09-19T02:52:15Z")
**Bin Laden to team with Elton John at MTV Video Awards** In a move that has the industry abuzz, the two opposites will unite in a moving tribute to show Bin Laden’s compassionate side. “I hate what he has done, but I respect his right to do it” a beleagured Sir Elton is quoted as saying. Liberal groups are up in arms over the controversial pairing. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/159 "2001-09-19T02:53:58Z")
**Dynamiting of Cincinnati Office Tower Proceeds on Schedule; Red Cross Warded Off** “Yes, for the last time we _meant_ to do it,” exasperated developer says ---
**Author:** ![Spoonbender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spoonbender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoonbender)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/160 "2001-09-19T03:02:53Z")
**Point-Counterpoint** **The WTC Attack: I Did It For Allah** _by Osama bin Laden_ **You Just Don’t Get It, Do You?** _by Allah_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=9)