# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/161 "2001-09-19T03:17:31Z")
**Arlines Adopt New Safety Measure: Passenger Flights to Fly With No Passengers** Risk of hijacking “virtually eliminated,” say officials **Arafat Donates Blood, Brain to WTC Victims** “It’ll just grow back, right?” **God Gives Up** “Didn’t these people learn _anything_ from me?” ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/162 "2001-09-19T03:41:49Z")
**Plane Misunderstands Tower’s Offer: "You Can Crash at my Place Anytime, Man"** ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/163 "2001-09-19T03:48:07Z")
**U.S. to Israel: OK To Nuke West Bank** ---
**Author:** ![arara123](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@arara123](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arara123)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/164 "2001-09-19T04:25:31Z")
Donald Trump Signs Deal to Develop Beach-Front Condos Along Northern Border of Pakistan ---
**Author:** ![atypicalcarl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@atypicalcarl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/atypicalcarl)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/165 "2001-09-19T05:22:07Z")
Since I’m going to hell anyway, I may as well shoot for a management position… OSAMA BIN LADEN CLAIMS ATTACKS WERE UNINTENTIONAL - BLAMES CRUMMY U.S. FLIGHT SCHOOL NEW YORK FIRE DEPARTMENT HIERARCHY IN CHAOS “In retrospect, maybe promoting everybody in the department wasn’t such a good idea,” says Giuliani oh - and hi from a newbie ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/166 "2001-09-19T05:28:00Z")
This isn’t funny. > [@](#): > > TV’s Mr. Dressup Found Dead Coombs Kills Self, Says Couldn’t Bear Responsibility for NYC Attack This might be funnier… **Mr. Dressup Fakes Own Death, Captures Bin Laden.** “I never saw it coming, his disguise was perfect” said an obviously distraught Osama bin Laden as he was handed over to Federal authorities by Ernie Coombs, aka Mr. Dressup. bin Laden also screamed “I’ll get you my pretty… and your little dog too!” as he was led away in chains. When asked why he did what he did Mr Coombs stated that: “This freak was giving little kids nightmares, I couldn’t let that happen.” When asked why he faked his own death Mr. Coombs stated that he had lived a double life for many years as both a beloved children’s entertainer and secret agent. Knowing that he could very well be Bin Laden’s next target Mr. Coombs faked his own death and secretly travelled to Pakistan posing as a kindly old relief worker. As a master of disguise he was able to easily fool the Taliban security forces and infiltrate bin Laden’s stronghold. Casey and Finnegan were also pulled out of retirement for this sensitive mission, bin Laden’s troops were said to be paralyzed with fear by at the sight of this small androgenous puppet and his dog. Coombs finished the interview stating that he was in excellent health and that he was accepting an offer by the CBC to tape new episodes of Mr Dressup - Superspy. Prime Minister Cretien announced today that Mr. Coombs would be given the Order Of Canada for his heroic actions. He was quoted as saying “Thirty eight years in Canada and we never suspected that he was an American operative, thank God he was on our side.” How I wish this would come true. ---
**Author:** ![\_somewhat\_damaged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/ccd318/32.png) [@\_somewhat\_damaged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_somewhat_damaged)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/167 "2001-09-19T05:45:54Z")
TALIBAN LEADERS FLEE TO PAKISTAN IN FEAR OF AIR STRIKES. “We will crush the Americans if they strike us,” a high ranking Taliban official, who asked, nay demanded, to remain anonymous, said. "We’ll just do it from a safe distance, " he added. Congress members’ sons flee to Oxford University in fear of war. PETA FIRES BLOOD RED PAINTBALLS AT WHITE HOUSE. “A war with Afghanistan would desemate thousands of innocent goats,” a woman with hairy armpits cried. When asked how she felt about the innocent human lives that would be lost, she shrugged and handed out booklets containing tofu recipies. FRANCE EXPERIENCES DELUGE AFTER 30 DAYS OF RAIN. Begs U.S. assistance in financial aid and clean-up. “Where are the Americans,” a village woman from Nice asked, “They should be helping us.” ---
**Author:** ![Karellen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@Karellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karellen)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/168 "2001-09-19T06:29:56Z")
[bold]FBI Arrests CIA Bin Laden’s Funding, Training Traced “Rogue Agency” Infographic: The Backlash Who are angry Americans mistaking for terrorists? 19% Clusmy, no good busboy 3% Milli Vanilli 12% That tanned surfer with the dreadlocks 9% Gary, who’s always faking that accent 7% LaRouchites 17% “Gunga Din” extras 24% People with bandaged head wounds 2% Light-skinned Rastafarians 16% Peter O’Toole[/bold] ---
**Author:** ![Karellen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@Karellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karellen)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/169 "2001-09-19T06:46:24Z")
\*\*FBI Arrests CIA Bin Laden’s Funding, Training Traced “Rogue Agency” Infographic: The Backlash Who are angry Americans mistaking for terrorists? 19% Clusmy, no good busboy 3% Milli Vanilli 12% That tanned surfer with the dreadlocks 9% Gary, who’s always faking that accent 7% LaRouchites 17% “Gunga Din” extras 24% People with bandaged head wounds 2% Light-skinned Rastafarians 16% Peter O’Toole \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Kritter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a587f6/32.png) [@Kritter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kritter)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/170 "2001-09-19T07:24:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\*Beanie Babies Issue A Commemorative WTC Teddy Bear \*\* > " It will be covered in blood and have its fur burned off of it in a tasteful manner." Says company spokesperson Tammi Dingle. \*\* I could almost see this one happening ---
**Author:** ![Lockfist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/838e76/32.png) [@Lockfist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lockfist)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/171 "2001-09-19T07:31:43Z")
b]BIN LADEN BLAMES E-TRADE FOR ATTACK\*\* - “Shit, I hit the wrong button and shorted $50 Million in American Airlines stock, what was I _supposed_ to do ?” pleads Bin Laden. **NEW YORK JETS LOBBY TO TRADE NAMES WITH NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS** “What has New England done for this country except let 19 hijackers fly in First Class ?” argue Jets management. **FBI FINGERS FIRESTONE FOR WTC AIRLPLANE CRASH - FAULTY TIRES CITED** Firestone pleads innocence “It was FORDS fault” say executives. **CHINA TAKES BLAME FOR WTC TRAGEDY** “What ? What ? You said you wanted your damn airplane back” said Chinese President Jiang Zemin. **STATITICIANS REVEAL: MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED BY IMPLODING SKYSCRAPER THAN BEING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING - GOLFERS REJOYCE** ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/172 "2001-09-19T07:57:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Krotchkritter \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > > Beanie Babies Issue A Commemorative WTC Teddy Bear > > " It will be covered in blood and have its fur burned off of it in a tasteful manner." Says company spokesperson Tammi Dingle. > > I could almost see this one happening \*\* I’m more worried about the commemorative Precious Moments figurine, myself. ---
**Author:** ![Doc\_Nickel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@Doc\_Nickel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Nickel)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/173 "2001-09-19T10:39:26Z")
Yup. Y’all are sick, sick dudes. An’ dudettes. N’ whatever. **Salman Rushdie Says 'I Wasn’t So Crazy After All, Was I?'** Herbert Kornfeld: **Th’ H-Dog Gonna Hafta Put Th’ Smackdown Onna Mideast Branch Office Muthafucka** **Survivor Found At Street Corner, Says Waiting For Bus** Eyewitness: ‘What, is the cross-town here already?’ **Human Fly Laments Disaster** ‘Climbing the Chrysler Building just isn’t the same.’ **MegaWorldBank CEO Day Planner Found** Finder reports; ‘Not much in there. Apparently he doodles a lot, and collects _My Little Pony_ stickers. Only thing on his PDA is _Tetris_ and his own cell number.’ **PETA Activist Publicly Laments Deaths of WTC Rats; Is Promptly Strangled And Dumped In East River** Reportely has ‘Here sharkie-sharkie-sharkie’ sign stapled to back. **Marylin Manson Somehow Blamed For Tragedy** Manson; ‘Somehow I’m not surprised.’ **Pauly Shore Pulled From Rubble, Alive** Rescue worker: “Ah, shit.” **World Trade Centers Revealed To Be Wood, Paper-Mache, Chicken Wire In Crash** Elaborate props left in place of real towers. Theft by owners of Sears Towers suspected. **Bush Orders Preemptive Strike Against Capitol Records Building** ‘It was only a matter of time before somebody rewrote a song as a commemorative. We had to act decisively.’ **Afghani Camels’ Union Upset By Bush Declaration** **Mothra, Rodan Seen Dancing In Streets** Tokyo Laser-Tank Brigade sent to break up disturbance. ---
**Author:** ![galen\_ubal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galen_ubal/32/4440_2.png) [@galen\_ubal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/galen_ubal)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/174 "2001-09-19T11:15:31Z")
Yes, we are definitely all going to hell… **"Go Greyhound, and leave the driving to us (and not Abdul)!** -Another new ad campaign. ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 11:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/175 "2001-09-19T11:45:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by erislover \* > \*\ ***Bush seeks aid of Fremen** > “What we need now is desert power,” says a troubled Bush. Shai Hallud was unavailable for comment… More --\> > > \*\* So much good stuff here, but I just had to single this one out for special acclaim. Absolutely brilliant. Somebody has _got_ to develop this idea into a full size story… ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/176 "2001-09-19T12:03:57Z")
**FAA ANNOUNCES NEW AIRLINE SECURITY INITIATIVE: PASSENGERS HANDS, FEET TO BE AMPUTATED, TEETH REMOVED BEFORE BOARDING “Potential weapons,” says airport official. “We are taking no chances.” CATS BROUGHT IN THE HELP WITH RESCUE EFFORT “It’s time to face facts,” grim faced mayor Guiliani says, “There is little chance any mice survived this tragedy.” BUSH APPOINTS SALMAN RUSHDIE POET LAUREATE ARRESTED TERROR SUSPECT PRODUCES BOX CUTTER HIDDEN IN RECTUM “No doubt- we are in a new war against terrorism,” airport security official says, asks for new paper towels after it is revealed weapon was already open.** ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/177 "2001-09-19T14:21:41Z")
\*\*Taiwan President Is On US Side, Promise Backing. \*\* “Ummm, what exactly are their military strengths again?” President Bush replied. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/178 "2001-09-19T14:34:21Z")
\*\*Cat Stevens Renounces Towel, Sells Camel \*\* Returns to America, contrite, begging for forgiveness. As penance, Cat Stevens agrees to sing a duet on stage with Brittney Spears. " But she lip syncs" The former muslim grumbled. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/179 "2001-09-19T14:46:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*MOMENT OF CONFUSION \*\* > France surrenders to itself Good one. And the one about France Surrendering to NYC cab drivers. \*\*France’s Prez Promises Full Military Support To US \*\* “This is the pay back we get for saving your candy-asses in WW2?” President Bush replied to the French President Jacque Chirac, " By the Way, Jzock, aren’t you that hippie beatnik writer?" ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/180 "2001-09-19T14:47:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*MOMENT OF CONFUSION \*\* > France surrenders to itself Good one. And the one about France Surrendering to NYC cab drivers. \*\*France’s Prez Promises Full Military Support To US \*\* “This is the pay back we get for saving your candy-asses in WW2?” President Bush replied to the French President Jacque Chirac, " By the Way, Jzock, aren’t you that hippie beatnik writer?" \*\*Ehtiopia Sends Kernel Of Corn To Terrorist Victims. \*\* “It was all we had to spare and the least we could do.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=10)