# Possibly getting Divorced: Need advice (issue in op resolved in 2026) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 29, 2024, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483 "2024-06-29T09:25:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2024, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/81 "2024-07-02T19:17:11Z")
Or, for that matter, a tubal ligation. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2024, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/82 "2024-07-02T20:06:42Z")
Men and Women have been lying to each other since Adam and Eve. There are many children born of parents who they _think_ are their parents. With the availability of genetic/ancestry testing kits I suspect some are finding things out now they wish they had not. Sometimes it’s best not to look under that rock. But, yeah. I wouldn’t like it if my husband, out of the blue, asked for a paternity test. I’d like it less if I was unsure of the babies paternity. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2024, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/83 "2024-07-02T20:21:56Z")
I wish the OP would come back and talk to us. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2024, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/84 "2024-07-02T22:04:20Z")
The OP pretty much bailed out of his prior thread on getting married. That thread was more about logistical administrative concerns than emotional ones, but he doesn’t seem to be the come-back-and-provide-feedback type of poster Which is certainly his right, but our loss. And perhaps his. My cites in post #39 of this thread to a different guy’s different marital disaster really showed (to me at least) the psychological power of creating a thread for affirmation, not advice. So when the advice isn’t coming back very affirmatively, the person tends to slink off and wish they’d never started the thread. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2024, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/85 "2024-07-03T13:50:14Z")
Hey, @Ryan_Liam, we’re all pulling for you. Please, let us know how you’re doing. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2024, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/86 "2024-07-04T00:43:14Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > My cites in post #39 of this thread to a different guy’s different marital disaster really showed (to me at least) the psychological power of creating a thread for affirmation, not advice. Indeed, when my kids got to the age where my wife got sick of them asking her something and then either arguing with or ignoring her, she literally asked them at the start of the conversation, “Are you looking for advice or affirmation?” Maybe we should make that the standard first response to all threads like this. But it would make MPSIMS a lot shorter. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2024, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/87 "2024-07-04T00:58:19Z")
There are those who don’t know what they’re asking for. Push back makes 'em run. Could be he wants someone to clarify what he knows he must do. We really can’t give advice with one a one-sided OP. And of course we’re not in his house, we don’t have the details. Affirmation just says we agree. There’s nothing to agree to. He never stated a plan to change things and asked, maybe, what would be the best way, given these problems. He was venting, most likely. I won’t agree with that. Vent all you want. But don’t be surprised when folks don’t step in line. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2024, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/88 "2024-07-04T05:02:59Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > […] a friend of mine who wisely remained single knocked up his girlfriend at the time. I forget why (some FL thing) but around age 2 he had to get a paternity test and turns out it wasn’t his […] “some FL thing” ? Do you mean “some Florida thing” or something else? Also, if he was only two, how could he impregnate a women? You don’t need a paternity test for a toddler! 🙃 > [@msmith537](#): > > Why the fuck are you even married? He doesn’t seem to care for her very much and doesn’t make the relationship sound positive at all. What’s keeping him in it? Maybe it’s the sex? …oh…wait. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2024, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/89 "2024-07-04T08:37:17Z")
The child was 2. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2024, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/90 "2024-07-04T11:05:22Z")
> [@Kent\_Clark](#): > > Indeed, when my kids got to the age where my wife got sick of them asking her something and then either arguing with or ignoring her, she literally asked them at the start of the conversation, “Are you looking for advice or affirmation?” Your wife is wise. Odd taste in men, but everybody has some glitch in their matrix. 😉 Seriously though, it’s famously said to be the case that women ask questions or engage in conversation for affirmation, while men do so for advice. Like all “Men are from Mars; women are from Venus” contentions, that’s actually a vast ball of bullshit enclosing a peanut of statistical tendency. But there _is_ a peanut there so the idea persists. In our own interactions with anyone of any sex, knowing which they’re seeking is real useful info to have. And asking explicitly as your wife did is a good way to make your counterparty recognize for themselves which they are seeking. They often do not know until they’re having their emotional reaction to your response. And for the many folks who can’t “read” their _own_ emotions, that way lies unpleasantness for all. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2024, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/91 "2024-07-04T16:41:34Z")
> [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](#): > > > [@msmith537](#): > > > > […] a friend of mine who wisely remained single knocked up his girlfriend at the time. I forget why (some FL thing) but around age 2 he had to get a paternity test and turns out it wasn’t his […] > > “some FL thing” ? > > Do you mean “some Florida thing” or something else? Yes, it was requirement in Florida for whatever it was they were doing. > [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](#): > > Also, if he was only two, how could he impregnate a women? You don’t need a paternity test for a toddler! 🙃 Well…I did say Florida. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/92 "2024-07-05T14:13:09Z")
Wrong, I’ve just been busy working. I’ve taken the advice on board, my wife has a propensity to say one thing and then change her mind later, I think she’s just as confused about what to do as I am. As for the people insinuating that I see my wife as more of a ‘Co-worker who I don’t get along with’ I waited **five years** to get her here, I enjoy my time with her and I did all these sacrifices out of love for her. It angers me to no end that my family have done absolutely nothing to welcome her here, and I’m embittered by the fact there’s no one here for her except me and she has to suffer the indignity of being by herself the majority of the time. So partly out of necessity, partly out of fear, I held back on being intimate with her because I didn’t want to compound our problems further by having a baby at this time, this obviously conflicted with my wife’s expectations and her patience ran out. This isn’t an excuse for her behaviour, I’m just trying to see it from her point of view. So I’m in limbo at the moment, I can’t provide any updates and I’ve tried talking to my own mum about this and she is just stonewalling me. Right now I’m just trying to calm the situation by not getting dragged into arguments or bickering whilst working 60 hour weeks. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/93 "2024-07-05T14:16:30Z")
You do know there is birth control? ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/94 "2024-07-05T14:17:22Z")
Birth control isn’t 100% ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/95 "2024-07-05T14:21:32Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > As for the OP, I don’t really get this “I need advice on my shitty marriage” threads. > > - You don’t want kids > - You aren’t having sex > - You and you’re wife want completely different things > - You don’t really seem to even like your wife very much > > Why the fuck are you even married? I do want kids, I just didn’t want to have them when we were literally broke without a good place to live, we just got out of living in a literal room. > You don’t really seem to even like your wife very much I don’t really think you know what you’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/96 "2024-07-05T14:39:17Z")
You can get close enough to 100% by combining them (say, condoms and the pill, for example). There’s something very strange going on here, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/97 "2024-07-05T14:43:28Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > So partly out of necessity, partly out of fear, I held back on being intimate with her because I didn’t want to compound our problems further by having a baby at this time, this obviously conflicted with my wife’s expectations and her patience ran out. This isn’t an excuse for her behaviour, I’m just trying to see it from her point of view. We don’t know who you are. We only know about you through what you are telling us. Even with that it seems like you have severe hang ups about sex. Millions of people have sex every day without getting pregnant. It’s really not that hard to do. If you are only going to be intimate when you are trying to have a baby and your wife needs more then you might as well get divorced now because that’s not something that will get better. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/98 "2024-07-05T14:48:10Z")
Logically it may make sense to abstain from sex, but you should take a look at abstaining from an objective perspective. Lack of intimacy is probably the #1 issue that leads to conflict and divorce in marriage. The early part of the relationship is typically when intimacy is most frequent. That’s typically because the level of desire for intimacy is so high. If typical, you should be desiring each other so much that you can’t keep your hands off each other. Worrying about birth control being only 98% effective shouldn’t be strong enough to stop you from wanting to be intimate. If you’re 5 years into the relationship and you haven’t built a solid foundation for intimacy, there’s a good chance that it won’t happen. Some people are okay with that, but you shouldn’t assume that’s the case with her. The lack of intimacy alone is a big enough problem to doubt that this will be a successful marriage. Adding in all the other issues and it’s even harder to see how this relationship works out. It’s clear you care about her, but that may not be enough to make this marriage successful. That doesn’t mean I think you should break up, but you should be honest about the challenges that this relationship will have. Try to make the time you have together be worth it. That way even if you get divorced at some point, you can look back at some good years together. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/99 "2024-07-05T14:59:30Z")
Agree. Something ain’t correlating. Forget your family. Seems to be an obstacle to your marital/mental happiness. You can’t change their minds. Wishing it were different isn’t gonna help. So, your wife needs to have a life. She’s in foreign country. I suspect language impaired. Knows no one. Find a group, club or center of people of her national heritage. There must be one. Isn’t there a bunch of Vietnamese immigrants who live in the UK? Physically take her there, walk her in the door and ask for help. You cannot sustain being her whole world for very long. Especially if you’re working 2 jobs. You’re gonna crash and burn. Forget sex, babies, her getting job right now. Especially babies, Do Not bring another human into your mess. That’s the definition of cruelty. If she’s threatening leaving, has a baby, then flees to VN. You’ll never see the kid again. Do Not have a baby. I can’t say that enough. If abstaining from sex is the only way, so be it. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2024, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/100 "2024-07-05T15:00:16Z")
I had a child when me and my husband were making about 1200 a month, combined. Services help. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483.md?page=6)