# Possibly getting Divorced: Need advice (issue in op resolved in 2026) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 29, 2024, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483 "2024-06-29T09:25:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2024, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/121 "2024-07-06T18:39:56Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Why don’t people discuss the having kids thing before they’re married? > It’s such an important part. Agreed. That said, it’s entirely possible that the OP and his wife _did_ discuss it before marriage. The sense I have is that the reality of their living situation once he was finally able to have his wife move to the UK led the OP to decide (probably a bit unilaterally) “yes, but not now.” ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2024, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/122 "2024-07-07T01:37:33Z")
The OP has stated in clear unequivocal language that he wants kids as part of his marriage to her. The almost-stated sorta-implicit part is that will be _after_ he can afford their current house and pay for kids on only one job. What he’s been utterly silent about is how, why, and most importantly when, he expects his income to rise that drastically with the job(s) and occupational skills he has. In some jobs / occupations / life situations such pay increases would be normal and reliably expected; in others unheard-of. I mentioned in post #47 a situation with an American co-worker of mine and his Filipina wife. Quoting the relevant bit of that post for context: > [@LSLGuy](#): > > In the extended family’s view, the American guy was so insanely unbelievably rich that any ask for money by any aunts, uncles, or 3rd cousins-twice-removed-neighbor’s-dogs should have been immediately granted with an unconcerned wave of a bejeweled hand. > > In his view he was just breaking the 6-figure barrier in his mid 30s, saving what he could, and after paying for two cars, two kids then ~2 & ~4, so approaching school age, and a 3BR suburban house in an ordinary USA suburb, well, there wasn’t a lot of largesse left over to simply ship to a bottomless pit of people he’d never met on the other side of the ocean. I will suggest that perhaps something similar is going on between our OP here and his Vietnamese wife. He’s living below what he thought would be his station at this point in his life and feels utterly strapped. Living in the exact same house with access to the exact same amount of money she feels like she’s/they’re so rich that kids would be a trivial expense. Not a backbreaker like he feels it would be. I very carefully said “feels”, not “thinks” in the above paragraph because most of this stuff is subconscious. He feels they can’t afford them yet. She feels they can afford them now, and have been for ??? months or years. On a related note, somebody upthread made a comment that appears in most of these “Are we ready for kids yet?” threads. In paraphrase: > Nobody is ever ready for kids practically or financially. If you wait for that, you’ll never be ready enough so you’ll never have kids. Just ignore all that, have the kids now, and you’ll make it work somehow. Which isn’t utter poppycock, but probably fails a lot of people when they try it. I’d also suggest that that’s more of a working class sentiment. Which may not be the OP’s situation. A sort of bottom line from me … Where the OP and the relationship is today, even a lottery win of a couple million pounds would not necessarily fix the relationship. Even as it conclusively answered the question of “Can we afford kids now?”. The OP and the wife need to be working hard on jointly deciding if this is salvageable, then splitting or salvaging as the case may be. I mentioned in my first post in the thread, #2, that I’m separated and getting divorced. Once I announced to wife that I was done unless we both were willing and able to make major changes in our baseline behavior towards each other I let that sit for a couple days while we were both pretty much home all day. No shouting, no throwing things, just both feeling like our dog had died unexpectedly. We did have a couple of civil, albeit loaded, long talks about our respective perspectives on the situation. Which unsurprisingly were miles apart on everything except we were unanimous that we were each miserable. Two days later neither of us had made the slightest move towards discussing actual change, much less implementing it. At the end of that third day is when I left for a hotel and said I’d call her to make a plan to begin separating my stuff from her stuff. Which was accomplished over the next 5 days after that. Again without rancor; just resignation to the obvious reality that up until a week ago had dared not speak its name. OP: you need to shit or get off this pot. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2024, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/123 "2024-07-07T02:58:03Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > The OP has stated in clear unequivocal language that he wants kids as part of his marriage to her. The almost-stated sorta-implicit part is that will be _after_ he can afford their current house and pay for kids on only one job. But she’s already 32. When the fuck is he going to feel ready? Her biological clock really is ticking. Hanging onto her and denying her a chance at the babies she wants is really cruel. I’m sure she feels like he’s lying to her at this point, and just stringing her along. No, don’t bring kids into the relationship if it’s broken. That’s a terrible idea. And also, if the relationship wasn’t broken before, withholding sex is a good way to break it. > [@LSLGuy](#): > > OP: you need to shit or get off this pot. In case that’s not clear, either start working on kids or get divorced. And make the decision quickly. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2024, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/124 "2024-07-07T13:10:30Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > But she’s already 32. When the fuck is he going to feel ready? Her biological clock really is ticking. Hanging onto her and denying her a chance at the babies she wants is really cruel. I’m sure she feels like he’s lying to her at this point, and just stringing her along. Agree completely. As usual where your posts are involved. Given the very likely reality of his income trajectory, he will _never_ feel financially ready, even if his wife’s fertility/safety clock had 3 _decades_ yet to run. So he needs to man up and admit that to her and to himself. And do that now. That’s my overarching point. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2024, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/125 "2024-07-08T05:00:45Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > You can get close enough to 100% by combining them (say, condoms and the pill, for example). > > There’s something very strange going on here, IMO. If you really, really want to make sure you don’t make babby there’s only one way. “Almost 100%” doesn’t suffice if you want to guarantee there’s no kid. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2024, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/126 "2024-07-08T05:29:50Z")
We’re missing the big _Her_ side. She’s not gonna agree to birth control if she wants babies _now_! He obviously knows this. This is why there’s no sex happening. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2024, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/127 "2024-07-08T14:03:07Z")
At any rate I’d recommend a visit to a family physician for complete physicals for both parties for her maternal health and his mental health. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2026, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/129 "2026-09-19T16:46:16Z")
Update: I had a kid and have never been happier with my decision! ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2026, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/130 "2026-09-19T16:50:53Z")
I’m glad that worked out for you! How’s your wife doing? ---
**Author:** ![ricepad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b38774/32.png) [@ricepad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ricepad)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2026, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/131 "2026-09-19T16:53:56Z")
Same partner (wife)? ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2026, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/132 "2026-09-25T22:06:02Z")
Yup ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2026, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/133 "2026-09-25T22:06:50Z")
Really happy, the family was really surprised how white passing the baby was. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2026, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/134 "2026-09-26T02:46:08Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > Really happy, the family was really surprised how white passing the baby was.  What an odd thing to say. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2026, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/135 "2026-09-26T03:18:10Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > What an odd thing to say Yeah, it sure is. Eww. (But not the OP’s fault, although if I were to mention something like that, I’d probably add context of some sort, to indicate that this is not an appropriate thing to say.) ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2026, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/136 "2026-09-26T15:38:14Z")
**Moderator Note** > [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > white passing While I don’t think you intended to offend, note that this term is rather controversial and many people find it extremely offensive. The implication is that someone of mixed race is socially inferior and can only be accepted by society if they can “pass” as not being what they are, which is basically an insult to anyone of mixed race (or of any non-white race). It’s probably best to avoid using the term going forward. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2026, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/137 "2026-09-26T16:45:44Z")
Without attempting to dispute the moderation in any way … FYI … the OP has said in this or his other relationship thread(s) that his wife is Vietnamese. And that his entire extended family in the UK (Or Republic of Ireland, I forget which) is virulently racist and all but disowned him for dating, much less marrying, a non-white or non-European person. In that sense I’m not surprised to learn that his family thought that was the new infant’s best feature. Saddened, yes. But not surprised. Racists gonna race. HIs recent post was pretty outré for our community when viewed in isolation. IMO a bit less so in the full context. Although of course not everyone reads and remembers all of this guy’s (or anyone else’s) life history. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2026, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/138 "2026-09-26T16:57:39Z")
That’s why one shouldn’t post shit like “white passing” in isolation, or to assume that we’re all following along and understand the background (racist family, Vietnamese wife, or whatever). ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2026, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/139 "2026-10-11T09:27:10Z")
Yes, I should have mentioned that my viet side of the family said that ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2026, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/140 "2026-10-11T10:58:50Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > or to assume that we’re all following along Wait, we should not expect you to have _read the thread_? ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2026, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483/141 "2026-10-11T12:20:23Z")
Whether or not one has read the whole thread, it’s possible that something posted weeks, months or even years earlier might not be remembered by others. I think in this case, it’s something mentioned a couple of years ago. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possibly-getting-divorced-need-advice-issue-in-op-resolved-in-2026/1003483.md?page=8)