# Post-Apocalyptic Fortunes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 20, 2010, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745 "2010-04-20T14:47:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![TheMerchandise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b487fb/32.png) [@TheMerchandise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMerchandise)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/1 "2010-04-20T14:47:02Z")
I’m throwing a post-apocalyptic party this weekend (Any NYC area Dopers? Totally invited.) and as part of the festivities, I’m creating fortunes for my guests predicting how they handle the end of the world, whether they live or die. But mostly die. Here are two examples: “You were eaten by cannibals. If it’s any consolation, you were really, really tasty.” “You were eaten by a rampaging pack of zombies. Next time, remember to aim for the head.” Do any Dopers wish to add to my lists of fortunes? I will not give you any credit and will, in fact, claim your cleverness as my own. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/2 "2010-04-20T15:35:57Z")
“You died after receiving an injury that in today’s world is easily treated but after the apocalypse immobilized you until you perished from a combination of thirst, hunger, and infection.” ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/3 "2010-04-20T15:48:34Z")
“You were killed by neighbors for your stockpile of canned goods. Next time don’t be such a braggart.” ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/4 "2010-04-20T15:54:27Z")
“You have died of dysentery.” What? After the end of the world water supplies will be tainted with pathogens for years. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/5 "2010-04-20T16:06:12Z")
You were eaten by a hungry teenager. Bet you regret leading that Gun Control rally now, don’t ya? ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/6 "2010-04-20T17:05:53Z")
You survived but only by eating your spouse and children and now you’re lonely. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/7 "2010-04-20T17:21:48Z")
You were eaten by your cats when you tried to shut yourself away from it all and live on stored canned vegetables and bottled water. Next time remember the cat food. ---
**Author:** ![TheMerchandise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b487fb/32.png) [@TheMerchandise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMerchandise)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/8 "2010-04-20T17:26:27Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > “You have died of dysentery.” Snerk. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/9 "2010-04-20T17:33:45Z")
You survived the apocalypse actually in a good mood, for you now had time to read all the books you wanted. You were going to, but you broke the last remaining glasses in the world. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/10 "2010-04-20T17:35:56Z")
“You were almost able to successfully restore electrical power to your neighborhood grid by repairing a downed line. Unfortunately, someone else repaired a connection at the substation up the line just before you finished.” “You discover that packs of rats become quite bold when they’re hungry. Your last thoughts are of Anthony Perkins.” ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/11 "2010-04-20T17:40:22Z")
“You are completely out of insulin. Evolution ensues.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/12 "2010-04-20T17:48:08Z")
You saw the apocalypse coming, and froze yourself in a glacier to survive through it. Unfortunately, you won’t know if it worked until someone re-develops the technology to thaw you. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/13 "2010-04-20T19:11:28Z")
You were mauled by a herd of mutant deer. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/14 "2010-04-20T19:23:46Z")
You were brutally dismembered by an acquaintance who stole your wit and claimed it as his own with no credit to your cleverness whatsoever. He is now using your skull as a coffee cup. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/15 "2010-04-20T19:30:22Z")
“You have “chosen” to become concubine of the leader of the motorcycle gang. You will survive one week longer than everyone else you knew. Good job!” “You stocked your broom closet with lots of canned goods. You forgot a can opener. You have died.” “You trusted children. NEVER trust hungry children.” ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/16 "2010-04-20T19:36:22Z")
Radiation has left you with a hideous mutation: a baby arm growing out of your forehead. On the bright side, you can now give yourself three thumbs up! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-apocalyptic-fortunes/536745/17 "2010-04-20T19:39:19Z")
Nuclear winter is dark, and you neglected to stockpile flashlight batteries. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.