# “Post Jokes From All Over The World” \[Not US & England\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [July 26, 2021, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472 "2021-07-26T16:31:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/41 "2021-07-29T06:32:15Z")
From the Soviet Union, back in the day, and told to me by a Russian friend: Q: Why are we able to buy wheat from Canada? A: Because of a shortcoming of capitalism: overproduction. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/42 "2021-07-29T09:39:03Z")
> [@F.U.Shakespeare](#): > > A Brit is standing in line to enter Australia. The Aussie customs official examines his papers, and then for some reason asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?” > > The Brit replies, “I wasn’t aware that was still a requirement”. > > (A late colleague of mine claimed to have actually witnessed this in line behind the Brit). I suspect Australian passport control hear this one several times a day. ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/43 "2021-07-29T10:24:56Z")
Here’s a joke that’s apparently from 4th century Rome; An intellectual during the night ravished his grandmother and for this got a beating from his father. He complained: “You’ve been mounting my mother for a long time, without suffering any consequences from me. And now you’re mad that you found me screwing your mother for the first time ever!" ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/44 "2021-07-29T11:48:01Z")
Australian Border Force employees have no sense of humour that we are aware of. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/45 "2021-07-29T12:02:43Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > From the Soviet Union, back in the day, and told to me by a Russian friend: > > Q: Why are we able to buy wheat from Canada? > > A: Because of a shortcoming of capitalism: overproduction. Another one: A soviet agent is explaining to a potential recruit why they should join the Communist Party: “Communism is so successful, that in Russia, we have three wheat harvests a year!” “Three harvests a year? That’s amazing! How did you accomplish that?” “Well, first we have a harvest from Ukraine, then a harvest from the United States, and finally a harvest from Canada!” ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/46 "2021-07-29T15:40:49Z")
> [@Frodo](#): > > “The best investment in the world is buying an argentinian for what he’s worth and selling him for what he believes to be his worth” > > “How does an Argentinian kills himself? he jumps from his Ego”. Love these. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/47 "2021-07-29T15:46:45Z")
I’ve certainly heard “buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth” in the US. But always in reference to specific individuals, not whole demographics. ---
**Author:** ![gdave](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gdave/32/3683_2.png) [@gdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gdave)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/48 "2021-07-29T16:15:49Z")
A couple of requests for linguistic clarification: > [@Princhester](#): > > Here’s an Australian vs Kiwi joke. > > A Japanese guy who has emigrated to Australia is determined to become fully Australian. He goes to his doctor - who is from New Zealand - and the doctor laughs at him and tells him to stop being ridiculous because to become fully Australian would involve removing one third of his brain. > > The Japanese guy goes away disappointed but after a few weeks of thinking about it he comes back to his doctor and insists that - despite the necessity for drastic brain surgery - he is absolutely determined to become fully Australian. The doctor very reluctantly sends him off for the surgery. > > He has the surgery and when he wakes up afterward the surgeon is hovering over him anxiously and says “I’m very sorry but unfortunately I read the instructions about what I was supposed to do incorrectly. Instead of taking out one third of your brain and leaving two thirds, I took out two thirds of your brain and left one third” > > The Japanese guy says “Oh shut, thet’s terrible, bro!” Is that last line being spoken in a stereotypical Kiwi accent/jargon? > [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > Swiss joke: > > Liam finds his friend Gabriel on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. Liam asks what’s wrong, but poor Gabriel is speechless. Liam waits until Gabriel regains some composure, then says, “I’m your friend, you can talk to me. Please tell me what’s wrong.” Gabriel says, “I had to touch the principal!” In Swiss German\*, is “principal”, the original sum deposited/invested/lent, different from “principal”, the supervisor of a school? 'Cause it took me a couple of reads to parse that joke in what I _think_ is its intended meaning, and the alternate parsing in American English… \*Or French or Italian or Romansch, whichever the joke originated in. ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/49 "2021-07-29T16:23:46Z")
A Swede goes to a Norwegian hospital saying he has terrible headaches and he needs emergency brain surgery right now! He’s sent to surgery and they open his skull only to find a void. There is nothing there, except a string of tissue going from one side to the other. The surgeon is baffled, but since the Swede was so adamant he needed surgery he doesn’t want to do nothing. So he cuts the string. And the Swede’s ears promptly fall off. ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/50 "2021-07-29T16:31:55Z")
> [@gdave](#): > > In Swiss German\*, is “principal”, the original sum deposited/invested/lent, different from “principal”, the supervisor of a school? In German it would probably be “das Kapital.” That “principal” can refer either to money or to a schoolmaster is an accident of English. The joke doesn’t depend on understanding Swiss German, or any other language. It depends on the stereotype of the Swiss being very conscious of their money and investments. Touching the principal means dipping into the original investment instead of relying on gains such as interest. ---
**Author:** ![gdave](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gdave/32/3683_2.png) [@gdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gdave)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/51 "2021-07-29T16:45:31Z")
Thank you for the clarification. > [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > In German it would probably be “das Kapital.” That “principal” can refer either to money or to a schoolmaster is an accident of English. Right, which is why I asked, because in American English, that phrasing can be parsed in two _very_ different ways. > [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > The joke doesn’t depend on understanding Swiss German, or any other language. It depends on the stereotype of the Swiss being very conscious of their money and investments. Touching the principal means dipping into the original investment instead of relying on gains such as interest. Yeah, I get all of that. But I had to re-read it a couple of times to figure out that was what was going on. Because it kind of _does_ depend on understanding Swiss German. Because, again, as you phrased it, the joke has an ambiguous meaning in American English. “Touching the principal”, when discussing finance, is common vernacular in American English. But without the context that Gabriel is discussing savings and investments, sitting on a park bench and crying inconsolably and finally telling their friend they “had to touch the principal” can come across with a _very_ different meaning in American English. Which is why I asked for the clarification, and if that ambiguity is present in the original language. Or maybe it’s just me, and that joke is perfectly clear to the average American English speaker. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/52 "2021-07-29T20:09:48Z")
> [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > In German it would probably be “das Kapital.” That “principal” can refer either to money or to a schoolmaster is an accident of English. > > The joke doesn’t depend on understanding Swiss German, or any other language. In English the joke needs more context. If the setup is two schoolboys talking, then it sounds like they are talking about the schoolmaster and it’s a child molestation “joke”. Not funny. If it’s two accountants, then it’s clear they are talking about money and accountants know you should never touch the principal. That’s funny. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/53 "2021-07-29T23:13:14Z")
> [@gdave](#): > > Is that last line being spoken in a stereotypical Kiwi accent/jargon? Yes ut uz ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/54 "2021-07-29T23:33:52Z")
In the '80s, I heard this joke, which I was told was from Poland: Man 1: “Where are you going?” Man 2: “To Krakow, to buy bread.” Man 1: “Krakow? But, the only place that has bread is Warsaw!” Man 2: “Yes, I know, but the line starts in Krakow.” ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/55 "2021-07-29T23:50:35Z")
> [@gdave](#): > > Or maybe it’s just me, and that joke is perfectly clear to the average American English speaker. It certainly wasn’t clear to this trans-pacific speaker. I laughed when it was explained. Which reminds me: in the version of the Australian joke I heard in high school, it’s an Englishman who wants to be Irish. When he wakes up and is given the bad news, he says – ``` She'll be right mate. ``` ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2021, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/56 "2021-07-29T23:55:07Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > Here’s an Australian vs Kiwi joke. > > A Japanese guy who has emigrated to Australia is determined to become fully Australian. He goes to his doctor - who is from New Zealand - and the doctor laughs at him and tells him to stop being ridiculous because to become fully Australian would involve removing one third of his brain. > > The Japanese guy goes away disappointed but after a few weeks of thinking about it he comes back to his doctor and insists that - despite the necessity for drastic brain surgery - he is absolutely determined to become fully Australian. The doctor very reluctantly sends him off for the surgery. > > He has the surgery and when he wakes up afterward the surgeon is hovering over him anxiously and says “I’m very sorry but unfortunately I read the instructions about what I was supposed to do incorrectly. Instead of taking out one third of your brain and leaving two thirds, I took out two thirds of your brain and left one third” > > The Japanese guy says “Oh shut, thet’s terrible, bro!” I’ve known a very similar German joke for at least 40 years: Some dude wants to become an East Frisian [East Frisians, for unknown reasons, were the butt of jokes in Germany in the 70s/80s]. He goes to his doctor, and he tells him that for doing that, half his brain has to be amputated. He happily consents, and a few days later he has his surgery. But something goes wrong, and after the surgery the doctor tells the patient: “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your whole brain.” He answers “Döös mocht nix!” [“that doesn’t matter” in a broad Bavarian accent]. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2021, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/57 "2021-07-30T00:19:29Z")
> [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > I’ve known a very similar German joke for at least 40 years: > > Some dude wants to become an East Frisian [East Frisians, for unknown reasons, were the butt of jokes in Germany in the 70s/80s]. He goes to his doctor, and he tells him that for doing that, half his brain has to be amputated. He happily consents, and a few days later he has his surgery. But something goes wrong, and after the surgery the doctor tells the patient: “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your whole brain.” He answers “Döös mocht nix!” [“that doesn’t matter” in a broad Bavarian accent]. In the Canadian version, it’s aliens experimenting on a Newfie they find out rowing his dory in the ocean. The Newfie is singing, “I’se the b’y who builds the boat, and I’se the b’y who sails her…” So the aliens wonder how much of his brain he actually needs. So they vapourize one quarter of his brain. The Newfie just keeps rowing and singing, “I’se the b’y who builds the boat, and I’se the b’y who sails her…” So they vaporize another quarter. But of course, the Newfie just keeps rowing and singing, “I’se the b’y who builds the boat, and I’se the b’y who sails her…” Finally, the aliens just say fuck it, and vapourize his whole brain. But the Newfie just keeps rowing and singing, "Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques, Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous… " ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2021, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/58 "2021-07-30T00:31:15Z")
A journalist sees a man walking through the olympic village with a long pole in his hand. “Are you a pole vaulter?” she asks. He replies: “No, I’m German. But how did you know my name?” ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2021, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/59 "2021-07-30T04:42:03Z")
> [@gdave](#): > > Is that last line being spoken in a stereotypical Kiwi accent/jargon? Brew, you’re heaps beached is! [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/ZdVHZwI8pcA/hqdefault.jpg "Beached Whale") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdVHZwI8pcA) ---
**Author:** ![Hatchie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hatchie/32/3983_2.png) [@Hatchie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hatchie)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2021, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472/60 "2021-07-30T05:51:45Z")
> [@naita](#): > > “And the Swede’s ears promptly fall off.” From now on, every post I make will end with this. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-jokes-from-all-over-the-world-not-us-england/947472.md?page=4)