# Post your favorite Simpsons lines! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 6, 2000, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687 "2000-07-06T00:48:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![schillometer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/51bf81/32.png) [@schillometer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schillometer)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/81 "2000-07-09T06:46:29Z")
Wow, we could be here all night. These are all paraphrased from my failing memory: Homer: Why, just the other day I asked Mr. Burns if I could borrow $1,000. Marge: What for? Homer: Aw, I gotta get the third degree from you _too_? * * * Ralph: That’s my sandbox. I’m not allowed in the deep end. * * * Homer: I think I was selected for my leadership skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around. * * * Marge: Homer, I don’t want you stalking people. Remember when you were convinced Charles Kuralt had dug up our garden? Homer: Well, _something_ did! * * * Smithers: The latest polls indicate the public views you as some sort of ogre, sir. Burns: Ooh, I ought to club them and eat their bones! * * * Marge: By the way, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow, don’t bother coming in on Monday. Homer: Woo hoo! Four day weekend! * * * Homer: You people are afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I’m using a… hey Apu, what do you call this thing? Apu: A napkin. Homer: Heh heh. Out-RAGEOUS! * * * I can’t remember it all cause I only saw it once, but the one where Bart pretends to be Homer and Burns comes in with his yearly evaluation: “You sold arms to the Iranians… without a markup! And last week you took off for the Hamburgler’s birthday both Monday _and_ Wednesday! Which is it?” * * * Security guy: If you really want to sleep easy at night, I recommend sealing off all the doors and windows with bulletproof lucite. Marge: But wouldn’t we suffocate? Security guy: Well, I would hope not! Homer: Let’s get that! The suffocation thing. * * * Marge: Mr. Hutz, I didn’t know you sold real estate. Lionel: Well, the law practice is a little bit slow, and since most of my clients end up losing their homes anyway, this was a natural move for me. I better stop now before I think of more. ---
**Author:** ![SarumanRex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@SarumanRex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SarumanRex)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/82 "2000-07-09T08:15:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wolfman \* > Tentacled Alien- Don’t worry, some day the Human’s will create a Board so big, with a nail so large, they will destroy themselves, Bwahahahaha The lead-up to this scene was hilarious. Lisa has stolen Homer’s magic (wish granting) monkey’s paw and wished for world peace without consulting the family, to which Homer scolds: **"Lisa, that was very selfish of you."** All weapons are voluntarily destroyed and everyone shakes hands. The aliens see this and decide to invade. While chasing barkeep Moe with a home-made slingshot a tentacled alien yells: **"Your superior intellects are no match for our puny weapons."** (A line I repeat whenever having a rubberband fight.) The wish for peace is soon reversed by Flanders who wishes for the creepy aliens to go away. The same alien is now seen fleeing from Moe and yelling, **"Look out! He’s got a board with a nail in it!"** In a different episode Marge is in Bed with Homer, and she is trying to decide if Homer’s father would make a good match with her mother. **Marge: “Isn’t it funny that your father and my mother are both alone.” Homer: "Yeah, that is funny."** ---
**Author:** ![SarumanRex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@SarumanRex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SarumanRex)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/83 "2000-07-09T09:55:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by red\_dragon60 \* > \*\*Apu- Shiva H. Vishnu! \*\* I’m afraid I don’t get that one, could someone explain it? In one of the Halloween episodes everyone is sitting around telling scary stories and when it’s Bart’s turn he says, “I’ll tell you a story so scary you’ll wet your pants.”, to which Grandpa replies, “Too late.”, as everyone else on the couch slides away from him. After Bart is done telling the story Grandpa says, “Oh, I’ve coughed up scarier stuff than that.” ---
**Author:** ![blokeychap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ab097/32.png) [@blokeychap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blokeychap)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/84 "2000-07-09T11:47:11Z")
Originally posted by red\_dragon60 Apu- Shiva H. Vishnu! it’s meant to be a hindu version of Jesus H. Christ! (I think) ---
**Author:** ![surel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@surel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/surel)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/85 "2000-07-09T13:40:29Z")
## mmm Simpsons from memory from the Halloween episode with the Evil Krusty Doll (spoof of The Twilight Zone’s Talkee Tina doll): Grandpa: That doll is evil, I tell you, EVIL! Lisa: But Grandpa, you said that about all the presents. But my all time favorite Simpsons reference is simply that their local movie theater is called the Googleplex. That and then them scrolling up along the signboard, and up, and up… ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/86 "2000-07-09T18:08:25Z")
Smithers: Can’t a man walk down the street without being offered a job!? Homer: Wait a minute, That’s NOT the wallet inspector! Nerds: Mr. Simpson, we all have nose bleeds. Marge: I want those nerds out of my house! Snakes (running with a stolen VCR): Oh no! Beta! Bart: I need a soul, Ralph. Any Soul. YOUR SOUL! Grampa Simpson: Sounds like the Doomsday Whistle. Ain’t been blown for nigh on to three years. Jasper: Trouble abrewin’. Lisa: I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN! Bart: Dad, I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t barge into my room brandishing a Knife! Homer: Oh, sorry. (Homer leaves, returns wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a chainsaw) Homer: HEYBARTWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK? Bart: :Screams: Bart: Must… resist… Satan. Make it… up to him… later! Bart: Because no one ever suspects the butterfly. ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/87 "2000-07-09T23:18:04Z")
The Rev. Lovejoy (sarcastically): Am I boring you Bart? Bart: Well … yes, actually you are. Lovejoy (waving bible): Hey, I’m doing the best I can with the material I have! Krusty is looking at a poster of himself in Bart’s room and has mistaken it for a mirror … Bart: Umm … Krusty? Krusty: Wait a minute kid, I’m trying to comb this tack out of my head. ---
**Author:** ![schillometer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/51bf81/32.png) [@schillometer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schillometer)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/88 "2000-07-09T23:48:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ArkonDLoC \* > \*\* > Lisa: I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN! > \*\* And shortly after… Man: Have her take three of these every hour. Selma: Thank you, doctor. Man: Oh, I’m not a doctor. ---
**Author:** ![SarumanRex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@SarumanRex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SarumanRex)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/89 "2000-07-10T02:20:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by blokeychap \* > Apu- Shiva H. Vishnu! > > it’s meant to be a hindu version of Jesus H. Christ! (I think) I get it now, thanx. My favorite variation of this line of all time is from South Park’s Eric Cartman, “Jesus Tap dancing Christ!”. Here’s another Simpson’s line: When Homer goes to an AA meeting to support Barney who is drying out, somebody asks, “Homer, have you finally bottomed out and decided to get help?”, to which Homer replies, “Bottomed out?!?, HAAA I can sink way lower than this.” ---
**Author:** ![sweetcan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@sweetcan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetcan)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/90 "2000-07-10T03:40:32Z")
I saw this episode last night: Homer: I don’t want to look like a freak! Gimmie the muumuuu. ---
**Author:** ![SarumanRex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@SarumanRex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SarumanRex)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/91 "2000-07-10T09:26:10Z")
In the episode where Mr. Burns tries to adopt Bart and make him his sole heir (I’m paraphrasing): Lisa: “You can’t let Mr Burns adopt Bart.” Homer: “Oh Lisa, were making an old man happy, and isn’t that all that money.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/92 "2000-07-10T12:38:25Z")
When Sideshow Bob tells his brother Cecil that he’s done some unpleasant things the past few years, Cecil says: “Oh, I had no idea. You see, I’ve spent the past 10 years living in Mars in a cave with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears.” Whenever anyone tells me the obvious, I say it in reverse: I had no idea. You see, I’ve been living with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears…in a cave…on Mars. BTW, Sideshow Bob is voiced by Kelsey Grammer, so of course Cecil was voice by David Hyde Pierce. ---
**Author:** ![mrblue92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/93 "2000-07-10T14:30:27Z")
> [@](#): > > Tentacled Alien- Don’t worry, some day the Human’s will create a Board so big, with a nail so large, they will destroy themselves, Bwahahahaha Actually I think it was more like: Kodos: It looks like the humans have won. Kang: Have they Kodos? Soon there’ll be bigger boards with bigger nails, and some day they will build a board with a nail so big it will destroy them all! ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/94 "2000-07-10T15:46:49Z")
I forget the episode but one of my all time favorite quotes from Homer is “God bless those Pagans…” ---
**Author:** ![Ceejaytee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ceejaytee/32/2956_2.png) [@Ceejaytee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ceejaytee)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/95 "2000-07-10T18:45:44Z")
My husband just said this to me yesterday: Bart (while watching the Teacher Talent Contest): I didn’t think it was possible, but this both sucks _and_ blows. ---
**Author:** ![Edwardina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Edwardina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edwardina)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/96 "2000-07-10T19:03:55Z")
There are so many . . . As Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie try to keep Bart from flying out the bus window: **Principal Skinner** : Pull! Pull, Willie, pull! **Groundskeeper Willie** : I’m doin’ all the pullin’, you blouse-wearin’ poodlewalker! Another is, Homer holds Bart over his head while reindeer attack them. After the reindeer are distracted, Bart inquires: **Bart** : You aren’t hurt, are you Dad? **Homer** : Just my bones and organs. In the hospital, after Homer had a heart attack: **Doctor** : Well, the blood was cut from his brain for several minutes, but he shouldn’t have suffered anything more severe than a mild impairment of his normal functioning. **Homer** : Me lose brain? Uh-oh! **everyone laughs** **Homer, stopping short** : Why I laugh? I use that one _all the time_. ---
**Author:** ![jasonb94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/71e660/32.png) [@jasonb94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasonb94)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/97 "2000-07-10T21:33:18Z")
Ralph Wiggum: I’m Idaho. Skinner: Yes. Of course you are. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/98 "2000-07-10T21:59:18Z")
Wiggum in Beer Mug disguise: Do you think you can drive this car home? Barney: Sure thing Mr. Giant Talking Beer. Barney in the Audience waitng for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers: We want Chilli Willi! In Krusty’s Klown Kollege… Krusty: You all need to pick your own territory to work, so let’s go around the room and everybody tell me where you’re from. Student #1: Capitol City Student #2: Shelbyville Homer: Homer ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2000, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/99 "2000-07-10T23:39:32Z")
“I’ll tell you what, Simpson. I’ll give you employees that dental plan you want, on the condition that you withdraw as union steward.”–_Montgomery Burns, after Homer has bungled his way through collective bargaining; he’s only too happy to quit as steward_ ---
**Author:** ![jasonb94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/71e660/32.png) [@jasonb94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasonb94)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2000, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687/100 "2000-07-11T13:26:07Z")
Ralph Wiggum: I’m Idaho. Skinner: Yes. Of course you are. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-simpsons-lines/24687.md?page=6)