# Post your favorite Tom Swifties! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 14, 2009, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251 "2009-01-14T13:07:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/41 "2009-01-14T21:13:07Z")
“I am NOT that science guy!” denied Tom. ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/42 "2009-01-14T21:14:11Z")
“I’ll sue them for whiplash!” said Tom snidely. ---
**Author:** ![Ichbin\_Dubist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/51bf81/32.png) [@Ichbin\_Dubist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ichbin_Dubist)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/43 "2009-01-14T22:46:08Z")
“Now I’m really in the soup,” said Tom wantonly. “3.1415926535897932,” said Tom piously. “Do you like my butt implants?” said Tom, with bias. ---
**Author:** ![KlondikeGeoff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3e96dc/32.png) [@KlondikeGeoff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KlondikeGeoff)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/44 "2009-01-14T23:55:50Z")
“Bartender, give me a martini,” Tom said dryly. Every time Tom saw a keyhole, he peeked intuitively. This is not a Swifty, but it’s funny. Q: What is the definition of "innuendo? A: An Italian suppository. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/45 "2009-01-15T00:30:25Z")
“J’ai une bonne rhume,” said Tom fluently. ---
**Author:** ![MOIDALIZE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@MOIDALIZE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MOIDALIZE)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/46 "2009-01-15T00:55:46Z")
> [@KlondikeGeoff](#): > > This is not a Swifty, but it’s funny. Q: What is the definition of "innuendo? A: An Italian suppository. Q. What do you call an Italian slum? A: A spaghetto. [/bad Italian joke hijack] ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/47 "2009-01-15T00:56:50Z")
> [@Ichbin\_Dubist](#): > > “3.1415926535897932,” said Tom piously. Outstanding, Sir. ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/48 "2009-01-15T01:18:24Z")
> [@Ichbin\_Dubist](#): > > “3.1415926535897932,” said Tom piously. “2.71828183,” Tom said eerily… ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/49 "2009-01-15T01:32:45Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > “I can clean out drains with my mouth,” Tom said succinctly. The Wiki article swiped my joke! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/50 "2009-01-15T01:40:36Z")
> [@beowulff](#): > > “2.71828183,” Tom said eerily… “1.41421356,” said Tom, beginning to root around for his calculator. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/51 "2009-01-15T05:15:01Z")
“I support gun control,” said Tom disarmingly. ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/52 "2009-01-15T06:24:43Z")
“Where’s Garfunkel,” Tom asked artlessly. “Please excuse my flatulence,” Tom said astutely. “Yesterday was my last day as an eight-year-old,” Tom said benignly. “Those aren’t my tooth marks, Susan,” Tom said bitterly. “I think I punched the hole for Pat Buchanan by mistake,” Tom said devotedly. “Yes, I come from Nevada,” Tom said enviably. “This is a real pea souper,” Tom said foggily. “I just downloaded a quartet on my iPod,” Tom said fortunately. “I couldn’t eat another banana,” Tom said fruitfully. “I really miss the Princess of Monaco,” Tom said gracelessly. “I can never remember the words to that song,” Tom said humbly. “Ohh…ohhh… ahhhh!” Tom said jerkily. “This has never happened to me before…really,” Tom said limply. “I’d like two, no, three dozen long stemmed American Beauties, please,” Tom said morosely. “I oppose building that half-way house down the street,” Tom said nimbly. FYI, I made all these up myself. [This page](http://www.websitestyle.com/parser/adverbs.shtml)is _very_ helpful. ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/53 "2009-01-15T06:39:15Z")
“They weren’t real bullets.”, Tom said blankly. “Add some grated lemon peel!” Tom said zestfully. And a question. I don’t recall reading Tom Swift; is the idea of the “Tom Swifty” based upon originals from the series? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/54 "2009-01-15T07:33:37Z")
“It’s not over beetween us!” Tom exclaimed. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/55 "2009-01-15T07:37:50Z")
“Square root of two?” asked Tom irrationally. “I can’t play the guitar,” complained Tom fretfully. “Now the _Star Trek_ Transporter is a reality,” Tom beamed. “What do I look like, Tony Stark?” Tom said ironically. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/56 "2009-01-15T07:41:47Z")
“My feet hurt,” Tom said flatly. “I feel A-1 today,” Tom said saucily. “I’ll trim the shrubbery tomorrow,” Tom hedged. “But…he’s dead,” Tom said stiffly. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/57 "2009-01-15T14:09:51Z")
“I never wear boxers,” said Tom briefly. “I just got promoted in the army,” said Tom disgruntledly. ---
**Author:** ![D18](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c57346/32.png) [@D18](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D18)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/58 "2009-01-15T14:17:57Z")
“Hah! I’ll bet your IQ is only 100!” Tom said meanly. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/59 "2009-01-15T14:36:03Z")
“I can name my son Adolph Hitler if I want to” said Tom fuhrerously ---
**Author:** ![Stanislaus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stanislaus/32/3391_2.png) [@Stanislaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stanislaus)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/60 "2009-01-15T15:05:42Z")
“At first glance, this does appear to be an side dish typical of British Indian cuisine,” said Tom scandalously “Could you save money on your car insurance?” asked Tom inadvertently “Right, let’s get this circumcision over with,” said Tom briskly “It’s been a mixed season for the team,” Tom said winsomely “I wouldn’t order the Irish salmon,” said Tom officiously …and now, a short tale of naval derring-do: “I’m at the front of the boat now,” said Tom proudly “It’s not a boat, you iggerant lubber, it’s a three-masted sailing vessel.” barked the Captain. “There’s no need to throw me in the brig,” Tom said guardedly “But hang on, this lock doesn’t look very sophisticated,” he added pickily “So long, Captain, I’m jumping ship to swim to the Isle of Wight,” said Tom insolently. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251.md?page=4)