# Post your favorite Tom Swifties! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 14, 2009, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251 "2009-01-14T13:07:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/141 "2009-01-19T17:00:26Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > “I prefer not to use iron golf clubs” said Tiger, woodenly x 2. “Well, you can’t hit a drive without one of these,” Tom teased. “Should’ve used your Number Five,” Tom said ironically. “I can too make leather into a horse harness!” Tom bridled. “That’s bigger than it used to be,” Tom groaned. “That grass was fresh-cut yesterday,” Tom moaned. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/142 "2009-01-19T17:03:46Z")
“Two geese brought a plane down?” asked Tom, gagglingly. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/143 "2009-01-19T22:20:53Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > “I am the Captain when it comes to treating the superflu epidemic” Tom said trippingly. I like that. SSG Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/144 "2009-01-19T22:28:44Z")
“My protective eyewear, it does nothing!” Tom goggled. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/145 "2009-01-19T22:29:48Z")
“I shall have to search for a better pair on the Internet” Tom goggled. ---
**Author:** ![Bootis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e8c25b/32.png) [@Bootis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bootis)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/146 "2009-01-19T22:35:56Z")
“I have no idea who chopped down this tree” Said Tom, stumped. “I keep dreaming I’m a young Dr. Frankenstein with a factory full of Oompa Loopmas” Said Tom, bewildered. “I’m ready Scotty, energize!”; Tom beamed. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/147 "2009-01-19T22:39:04Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > “I shall have to search for a better pair on the Internet” Tom goggled. That was supposed to read: “I shall have to search for a better pair on the Interet” Tom googled. ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/148 "2009-01-20T05:02:48Z")
“Hey! Down here!” Tom bellowed. “A triangle has three of these” Tom sighed. “I’m going out with my boyfriend tonight” Tom mandated. “Captain, our torpedoes failed to hit the target” Tom said submissively. “What is it you’re looking for, Ahab?” Tom wailed. “It’s $4 to pass through here” Tom told everyone. And there’s the classic that I can’t believe hasn’t been mentioned yet: “I’d like a hot dog” said Tom, relishing the thought. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Klutz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captain_klutz/32/4993_2.png) [@Captain\_Klutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Klutz)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/149 "2009-01-20T10:17:22Z")
“I voted against same sex marriage”, Tom said with gay abandon. “That’s right, in fact, more than right”, Tom said obtusely. “I’ll have some lamb and mutton”, Tom bleated. “I’ve been hit by someone in the rowing team”, Tom said awestruck. “I can still capture your pawn”, Tom said in passing. “I can’t eat another lion”, Tom said, swollen with pride. “I have an extra chromosome”, Tom said, feeling Down. “Those clouds look threatening”, Tome said precipitately. “They’re related to Mersenne primes”, Tom said perfectly. “I’m feeling negative today”. Tom said nonplussed. “They’re safety arrows”. Tom said pointlessly. “Aaaaah … Oh”, Tom said prematurely. “It’s a men only club”, Tom said gently. “We should say a few words before supper”, Tom said gracefully. “Hold the water”, Tom said neatly. “It’s the first 2 digit number”, Tom said often. “This is complex stuff”, Tom said really and imaginatively. “It’s aleph one”, Tom said unaccountably. “We do it every seven days”, Tome said weakly. “Let them eat cake”, Tom said commonly. “He just joined the army”, Tom said privately. “I’ll have the cheap coffee”, Tom said instantly. “Darn these socks”, Tom said needily. “I’m seeing the doctor”, Tom said patiently. “What’s the difference between the two ends of a battery?”, Tom asked potentially. “Keep going in a clockwise direction”, Tom said rightfully. “That’s harder than diamond”, Tom said unimpressively. “I really need five kids”, Tom said quintessentially. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/150 "2009-01-20T10:44:17Z")
“We’ll be at cruising altitude soon” observed Tom flightily. “The battery goes in the other way around” noted Tom positively. “Those photos didn’t come out very well at all” Tom shot back negatively. “I love bacon!” Tom rashly declared. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/151 "2009-01-20T13:22:56Z")
“I prefer Batma’s alter ego,” said Bruce, wanly. “I always know which way the wind blows,” said Tom, vainly. “Now and forever really wasn’t” sneered Tom, cattily. “I didn’t do so well in the musical about the French revolution,” moaned Tom, miserably. “I’m starring in the musical prequel to the Wizard of Oz,” said Tom, wickedly. “I don’t know if I want to do a Cy Coleman musical,” said Tom, seesawingly. “I didn’t get to see the musical about Vietnam and now its–oh, sigh, gone,” said Tom, missingly. “I would not pay one penny to see the inaurguration,” declared Tom, niggardly,. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/152 "2009-01-20T19:45:48Z")
“Is this the line for the musical with all the puppets?” asked Tom as he queued up on the avenue. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/153 "2009-01-20T21:09:44Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > “I would not pay one penny to see the inaurguration,” declared Tom, niggardly,. Despite knowing what niggardly means, I can’t seem to understand the pun you are going for here. Can you help? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/154 "2009-01-20T21:15:12Z")
Okay, not to be a jerk (well, maybe to be a jerk), but some of these aren’t Tom Swifties. Using a word that’s closely related to the concept of the quote doesn’t count. If you’re not punning, you’re not Tom Swifting. The less related it is, the better. “A triangle has three of these” Tom sighed. GOOD “My protective eyewear, it does nothing!” Tom goggled. BAD Also, if you’re not using an adverb (or adverbial phrase, or synonym for “said”) that makes sense, it’s a lousy Tom Swiftie. “I can’t eat another lion”, Tom said, swollen with pride. AWESOME “I shall have to search for a better pair on the Interet” Tom googled. WHAT? Finally, **Annie** , that was some bad taste, unless you really weren’t going there. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2009, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/155 "2009-01-21T01:46:03Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Despite knowing what niggardly means, I can’t seem to understand the pun you are going for here. Can you help? Meaning “grudgingly supplied” according to Mr. Webster, but certainly in poor taste to mention the inauguration given the obvious homonym. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2009, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/156 "2009-01-21T04:32:09Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Meaning “grudgingly supplied” according to Mr. Webster, but certainly in poor taste to mention the inauguration given the obvious homonym. Yeah, I know what it means. I honestly didn’t get the \*pun \*part. I’m not being deliberately obtuse (I love that phrase, learned it on the dope). The only way I could figure that it could work as a Swifty is if she was calling the President a nigger. Now, if she was, I realize she is joking, and that is fine. I’m not mad at her for that, I am just really amazed! ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Klutz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captain_klutz/32/4993_2.png) [@Captain\_Klutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Klutz)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2009, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/157 "2009-01-21T06:39:01Z")
“I’m going scuba diving despite the sewage spill”, Tom said undeterred. “That deserves a prize”, Tom said nobly. “The big bad wolf is coming”, Tom said huffily. “I don’t need a comb”, Tom said baldly. “The doctor cancelled my visit”, Tom said, disappointed “My investments have failed”, Tom said, disinterested. “This book needs recovering”, Tom said spinelessly. “This trick doesn’t work”, Tom said, disillusioned. “I don’t like Microsoft Windows”, Tom said, pained. “They’re all leaning over the fence”, Tom said, not so inclined. “I didn’t use my ace”, Tom said with finesse. “The prisoner’s climbing down the wall”, Tom said condescendingly. “I’ve been ionized”, Tom said positively or negatively. “I’ll get my parasol”, Tom said shadily. “It’s agent 86”, Tom said smartly. “I was told it was a seabird”, Tom said gullibly. “I’ll be asking questions later”, Tom said testily. “I’m swimming across Egypt”, Tom said in denial. “I’m swimming through Paris”, Tom said, insane. “Don’t put the coffin back in”, Tom said unrehearsed. “It’s about fuel”, Tom repeated. “Put it through Dracula’s liver”, Tom said mistakenly. “My pencil’s not writing very well”, Tom said bluntly. “It’s a superconductor”, Tom said irresistibly. “Why is Mary being carried by a clown”, Tom said, vergin’ on the ridiculous. “I broke up with my Chinese girlfriend”, Tom said, disoriented. “I’ve had brain surgery”, Tom said open mindedly. “It’s a flying machine”, Tom said plainly. “There’s something in this neck ornament”, Tom said independently. “I pulled the wrong tooth”, Tom said accidentally. “Game point”, Tom said advantageously. “I don’t like poems”, Tom said adversely. “I woke up on time”, Tom said alarmedly. “I prefer cartoons”, Tom said animatedly. “We need the spare wheel”, Tom said flatly. “I like to watch nuns”, Tom said habitually. “I was also correct on the previous 3 occasions”, Tom said forthrightly. “It’s pining for the fjords”, Tom parroted. “We’re from the University of Woolloomooloo”, Bruce said philosophically. Finally, here are some cricket ones: “We’ve batted long enough”, Tom declared. “Why did I leave my ground”, Tom said, stumped. “How many deliveries do you have left”, Tom said, overly confused. “You’re out”, Tom said dismissively. “The wicket’s broken”, Tom said balefully. “He’s caught in the slips”, Tom said edgily. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2009, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/158 "2009-01-21T07:25:33Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Yeah, I know what it means. I honestly didn’t get the \*pun \*part. I’m not being deliberately obtuse (I love that phrase, learned it on the dope). > > The only way I could figure that it could work as a Swifty is if she was calling the President a nigger. Now, if she was, I realize she is joking, and that is fine. I’m not mad at her for that, I am just really amazed! The charitable interpretation I was putting on it was that _Tom_, in that incarnation, was a racist and hence too bitter, rather than too mean, to pay to watch a “nigger” being inaugurated. The trouble is that “niggardly” isn’t an adverb, it’s an adjective. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Klutz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captain_klutz/32/4993_2.png) [@Captain\_Klutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Klutz)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2009, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/159 "2009-01-21T12:06:09Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Okay, not to be a jerk (well, maybe to be a jerk), but some of these aren’t Tom Swifties. Using a word that’s closely related to the concept of the quote doesn’t count. If you’re not punning, you’re not Tom Swifting. The less related it is, the better. Well, you can do a word that’s closely related _and_ do a pun. For example: “I was laid off and I lost my job”, Tom said redundantly. This may have lost something in the translation: in Australia, being made redundant is another way of saying that you have been laid off. So “redundantly” actually makes sense as normal English, but also works as a pun. It could have been done as a pure Tom Swifty: ’ “I was laid off”, Tom said redundantly’. But I like the double meaning in the original. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2009, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251/160 "2009-01-21T13:39:36Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > I honestly didn’t get the \*pun \*part. That’s because while I think it meets the requirements, it isn’t funny. For example, “Ya’ll come back now, you hear?” Tom drawled. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/post-your-favorite-tom-swifties/481251.md?page=9)