# Potentially socially awkward situation where we like the husband as a friend but not his wife **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 20, 2009, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134 "2009-08-20T22:41:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/21 "2009-08-21T19:13:32Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I was going to say pretty much what you did, word for word. Especially the “life is too short” part. My gf and I share this philosophy and have had to use it a time or two. My wife says life’s too short. Why spend your precious free time trying to have fun with a stick in the mud bringing everyone down? ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/22 "2009-08-21T19:47:15Z")
> [@Rack-a-Bones](#): > > Don’t invite them out for awhile but in the mean time plan a bunch of guy stuff. Ball game, golf, fishing, happy hour, etc. Invite him to each one. The problem will eventually solve itself, he’ll either start going or you’ll stop inviting. That might work actually. Do guy-specific stuff or stuff Nasty Wife hates and re-name it “guy-stuff” and let him know when and where. If she won’t let him go, then eventually the problem will solve itself. He’ll either get the stones and say “Sorry, honey. I need some guy-time, so I’m going to go. I’ll be home by 11:00.” or he never will show up and that’s that. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/23 "2009-08-21T20:02:08Z")
Do him the favor of telling him the truth about why you are dropping them, then do it. He really needs to hear it. People like her can make you crazy, and leave you questioning whether you are the one being unreasonable. He needs to know that a healthy person not only wouldn’t stand for it, but can’t even stand to watch it. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/24 "2009-08-21T20:04:23Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > We later found out that, without telling us in advance, she had planned a full itinerary of group crafts, a picnic, and activities to fill our time at the cabin. She did not run this perfect plan by anyone else for feedback. She just assumed we would all happily play along with her idea of a good time. Wow, even my control freak sister isn’t quite that bad. When she’s in charge, she makes the plans, and woe betide anyone who makes alternate plans. But for Og’s sake, she certainly doesn’t have it _IN WRITTING_ and down to the hour! That’s just massively insane. Not just in general, but especially the “not telling anyone else” part. Hell, I’d probably grab it out of her hands, look it up and down, say “that ain’t gunna happen” and then rip it up and throw it in the trash. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/25 "2009-08-21T20:20:52Z")
As a last-case scenario, you could try setting her up with [this guy](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=528571). She wouldn’t lack for someone worried about her whereabouts, and vice versa. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/26 "2009-08-21T20:25:29Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > Another time, her husband was sitting on a foot stool instead of in a chair. She told him to move into the chair because his sitting there made her uncomfortable. He said he was fine where he was. She then started to try to nag him into the chair, but he didn’t move. Weird. Between that and the schedule… any chance she’s got obsessive compulsive disorder (I mean on top of being a control freak)? I guess a Guy’s Night might work but it doesn’t really seem fair to cut off the other two people from the group of friends. I’m also wondering if she’s got a raging jealous streak that makes her believe any time a group of guys is together they’re doing blow and cheating on their wives. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/27 "2009-08-21T20:35:24Z")
What on earth does the friend’s wife think a bunch of guys are going to do together anyway? Especially in the middle of the woods when everyone’s just out for a stroll? Seriously, I want to know. Does she think they’ll participate in a crazy gay orgy or something, similar to female pillow fights at sleepovers? Is there any way you can pull your friend aside and let him know that you don’t feel comfortable around his wife because she’s such a stick in the mud? ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/28 "2009-08-21T20:37:04Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Weird. Between that and the schedule… any chance she’s got obsessive compulsive disorder (I mean on top of being a control freak)? If we’re playing the “I’m not a pyschiatrist, but like to play one on the internet”, I’m going to go with [borderline personality disorder](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder). > [@](#): > > Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5] > A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. > Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. > Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5] > Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself. > Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). > Chronic feelings of emptiness > Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). > Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/29 "2009-08-21T20:49:54Z")
> [@Rack-a-Bones](#): > > Don’t invite them out for awhile but in the mean time plan a bunch of guy stuff. Ball game, golf, fishing, happy hour, etc. Invite him to each one. The problem will eventually solve itself, he’ll either start going or you’ll stop inviting. > > Sounds like someone needs to confront the wife. And that someone is the husband. She doesn’t allow him to go out without her?! First holding his own about the footstool, next stop, boys night! ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/30 "2009-08-21T20:54:18Z")
Well. She sounds like a peach. I’m honestly not sure what to do here - guy-only things are vetoed by the wife, and it sounds like you’d like to hang out with the other couple, plus your own wife, just not the evil wife, anyway. I suspect he’s just going to drop out of your circle of friends. I also suspect he already knows it’s because of his wife. From what you’ve described, he’s standing up for her but seems embarassed by her behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/31 "2009-08-21T21:33:34Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > She showed us a 5 page itinerary she had typed up for her anniversary trip to San Diego. She said every little weekend getaway is planned out months in advance with a full itinerary, including an hour set aside for something as mundane as “listen to Ipod.” My grandmother would say: “That woman is crazy in the head.” ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2009, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/32 "2009-08-21T23:00:34Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > What on earth does the friend’s wife think a bunch of guys are going to do together anyway? Especially in the middle of the woods when everyone’s just out for a stroll? Seriously, I want to know. Does she think they’ll participate in a crazy gay orgy or something, similar to female pillow fights at sleepovers? Maybe she’s worried they’ll talk some sense into him about why he’s letting her push him around. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/33 "2009-08-22T00:42:37Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > When we went to the cabin, we all went for a walk. The women took a turn on a path, and the boys were separated from the girls, so we just decided the boys would do our own thing while waiting for the wives to come back around the trail. > [@](#): > > She showed us a 5 page itinerary she had typed up for her anniversary trip to San Diego. She said every little weekend getaway is planned out months in advance with a full itinerary, including an hour set aside for something as mundane as “listen to Ipod.” You could plan a boys night and hand her a three page itenerary of exactly what you’re going to do (7:04 - Get beer. 7:06 - locate bottle opener. 7:38 - Bill tells slightly off color, but still PG-13 rated joke. 8:26 - assorted grunt practice (group activity)) and ask if her husband can play. But there’s no nice way to say “We can’t stand you, so we’re not going to hang out together anymore.” And whether or not you say anything, you’re still not going to hang out with them anymore, so it may as well remain unsaid. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Kerrman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/45deac/32.png) [@Joe\_Kerrman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Kerrman)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/34 "2009-08-22T01:16:41Z")
I am so glad you added a more descriptive passage about what she did, **Bearflag**. I think we all thought that maybe we were something like this woman with our spouses. But we’re not. She’s batshit. The only way to get through to her is to confront, though, either direct-on or humorously or both. The husband seems like he’s all for it and could use someone on his side. But you’re opening yourself up to a world of trouble. It depends how valuable you find this guy. JK ---
**Author:** ![jabiru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bbce88/32.png) [@jabiru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jabiru)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/35 "2009-08-22T01:28:12Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > When we started to plan a boys night out and invited him, apparently, she let her husband know how uncomfortable the concept of a boys night made her. We know he protested heartily to his wife in private because she told us that they had a full blown argument over it. However, she did not relent, and she quashed the whole thing. Not really. She refused to ‘let’ **her** husband go (a concept I really can’t get my head around but his doormat behaviour is his own problem). Had I been one of the men\* planning the boys’ night out, I would never have let this control freak fishwife veto it. Sure, she can stop her pussywhipped spouse from going but she didn’t have the power to stop the night out itself. Keep inviting him on boys’ nights out. Eventually he might accept. I’d never willingly find myself in her company socially again, though. - I’m not a bloke but was just trying to put myself in the position of the organisers of this night out. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/36 "2009-08-22T06:13:36Z")
> [@jabiru](#): > > Not really. She refused to ‘let’ **her** husband go (a concept I really can’t get my head around but his doormat behaviour is his own problem). Had I been one of the men\* planning the boys’ night out, I would never have let this control freak fishwife veto it. Sure, she can stop her pussywhipped spouse from going but she didn’t have the power to stop the night out itself. > > Keep inviting him on boys’ nights out. Eventually he might accept. I’d never willingly find myself in her company socially again, though. > > - I’m not a bloke but was just trying to put myself in the position of the organisers of this night out. FYI, we never had a definitive boys night out planned. It was all a tentative idea that we should go out sometime very “soon,” maybe to one place or another. The plan didn’t get too far in detail because we kept waiting for this guy’s response as to whether he could make it before we actually attached a time and place certain to it. He kept putting us off, but we kept bringing it back up. He was finally backed into the corner where he felt compelled to have his wife explain to everyone why her husband wouldn’t be participating in the festivities. So, when the wife dropped the bomb, the whole idea just went up in smoke, for now anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/37 "2009-08-22T06:19:54Z")
God help them if they ever have kids. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/38 "2009-08-22T07:00:21Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > God help them if they ever have kids. Oh, that’s a whole issue on top of this other stuff. First off, she was an only child and her mom apparently taught her to act this way, and always had a full vacation itinerary to relax with. :rolleyes: So I fear she will teach her traits to any children she may have. She tries to justify her bitchy selfishness on her only child status, but the wife in the other couple pointed out that she, too, is an only child and doesn’t act that way. Further, she has been wanting to get pregnant, though not trying very hard, but is now depressed on top of her otherwise sunny disposition since she found out my wife is pregnant. Ever since she found out, she has been full steam ahead to getting pregnant. She found out she will need fertility meds and is excited to get pregnant next January (right on schedule, I guess). However, she’s not just excited to be on the road to potential pregnancy, but she’s excited by the prospect that my child and her child will be only about 6 months apart so they can grow up together and maybe even marry each other someday. :eek: I have a feeling she’s already planning the wedding. That reminds me of her story of her wedding. I don’t know if this is normal, but she refused to accept her parents’ offer of a downpayment on a house in lieu of a full blown princess wedding. My wife and I think that’s crazy talk. Her husband let it be known that he agrees with us and not her. At the wedding, she had a 10 page program. TEN FREAKIN’ PAGES! She also went so far as to ensure her wedding guests had every possible bathroom need taken care of by providing them all with various things including mouthwash and sewing kits. Maybe it’s just me but … SEWING KITS?! WTF?! Talk about uber-planning. ---
**Author:** ![jabiru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bbce88/32.png) [@jabiru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jabiru)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/39 "2009-08-22T07:11:26Z")
How long have they been married? I can’t help but hope she doesn’t conceive for a while yet (if ever). Gawd help any kid of hers who doesn’t burp/poop/sleep according to The Schedule. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2009, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/40 "2009-08-22T07:49:50Z")
I can’t speak to the couples situation, but I do try to avoid spending too much time with someone who gets on my nerves. Notice I did not say no time. I said too much time. I plan events that will only take two or three hours and then I scat. Another technique is to invite someone from the outside so that anyone who is a behavior problem but not mentally ill will usually always keep it together for the required two or three hours. New people serve this purpose well, and sometimes expand the group. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134.md?page=3)