# Potentially socially awkward situation where we like the husband as a friend but not his wife **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 20, 2009, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134 "2009-08-20T22:41:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![JocoseBanter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ab992/32.png) [@JocoseBanter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JocoseBanter)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/121 "2009-10-02T20:16:58Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > Maybe change the wording, in case she Googles it? Or is that too paranoid? I’ve been thinking the same thing since people started posting example emails. I personally wouldn’t go the email route at all. Anything that exists in semi-permanent form can come back to bite you later. I do think the latest revision without the “and this is specifically what we dislike about you” language is preferable if you do decide to send something. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/122 "2009-10-02T20:23:19Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > What the fuck? This has been my position since this whole goddamn thread started. Yeah, but the agenda has changed since the start of the thread. Earlier, it was more about finding a way to salvage a friendship with their buddy. So it was more about: “Is there a way to tell him or resolve this without alienating him?” Since then, Freak Wife has turned it into a thread that’s more definitively about cutting them both loose because it really is a lost cause. Your advice was plenty on target, but earlier everyone was trying to consider options that would allow the OP to ditch only Freak Wife. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/123 "2009-10-02T20:27:32Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > A quiet death is a good death and here’s why. > > I run my own business and I get a fair number of clients through her employer. She is also an internet blogger. Her employer is huge, and she’s just a small part of it, but I don’t want her blogging shit about me because I sent her some note that pissed her off. She seems like the type to hold a grudge and act on it. Damn straight she will. This is a far more persuasive reason to opt for diplomatic silence, than is the fact the the “your wife sux!” e-mail would be both useless and unkind. > [@](#): > > If she is indeed “Done” with us and we continue to get no response on the MNF invite, then I think we are indeed done without further action. Agreed. Not every thing has to be made explicit. If you refuse invitations for couples’ events but continue to offer invitations for “boys only” events, the clear implication is that you don’t like the wife. The only question is whether the guy will even want to still hang out with you, knowing you don’t like his wife. But if he doesn’t, okay – his loss. Even if he were ever to say to you, in the course of a boys night, “hey, how come we can’t ever get together with the wives?” you could then tell him diplomatically “honestly, we find your wife kind of hard to take.” Even then I would do it in a conversation – and only if asked – and NEVER by e-mail. Stuff in writing lives forever. > [@](#): > > What the fuck? This has been my position since this whole goddamn thread started. Yeah, but I didn’t preface my opinion by informing the OP’er that I, using my psychic abilities, divined his “true intentions,” which were merely to make sport of the couple and “stir the shit.” People are less likely to give your opinion measured consideration, or indeed any consideration, if you insult them before you even setting it forth. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/124 "2009-10-02T20:31:27Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > Yeah, but the agenda has changed since the start of the thread. > [@Jodi](#): > > Yeah, but I didn’t preface my opinion by… Evs. So long as we all agree I was right first. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/125 "2009-10-02T20:35:15Z")
I’m not by any means telling you that you’re doing the wrong thing or that you should do something else. I’m not there, I don’t know shit, and it’s your life. But personally, I would talk to the guy and tell him that I loved spending time with him but his wife is not pleasant to be around. That I’d love to spend time with him, and JUST HIM, but not if she insists on being around. Hell, I’ve had a few friends in the past where I get along fine with one member of a couple (often the man, but sometimes the woman) while my relations with the other member is somewhere between cold distance and “the burning hatred of 10,000 suns” (on their part). s’fine with me. I don’t have to be friends with both people in order to be friends with one. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/126 "2009-10-02T20:36:30Z")
Indubitably you were right first. No one was _listening_ to you because even before you were right, you were offensive, but you certainly were right first. Your award is in the mail. Cherry wood makes a tasteful frame. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/127 "2009-10-02T20:48:03Z")
OK, the plan is to do nothing but just go out and watch the MNF game with my buddy pursuant to the boys only invite. If this husband shows up, fine, we can tell him about all this crap if he wants. If he does not show up, then I think we have our answer. If they BOTH show up as a couple, then we get pissed at them for disrespecting the boys only invite and either she leaves, they both leave, or we leave. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/128 "2009-10-02T20:50:23Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > The more I think about it, I think simple and vague is better… less chance of hard feelings. Also, I don’t want her going around town badmouthing me because I run my own business. > > I’m thinking of just sending an email saying this… > > I am sorry we have been distant lately, but we have been grappling with an uncomfortable issue. It boils down to the fact that we love hanging out with you, but we simply do not mesh well with your wife. I am sorry, but that is the crux of it and I thought you deserve to know. We have tried to invite you out for boys nights, and you are welcome to join us for MNF, but if that is not in the cards, then I understand. I strongly feel that you can’t send that e-mail. You have to tell him, and in a way that keeps you connected. I had a friend in a very similar situation, and once the divorce went through, he needed to lean on his friends. As much as she sucks, he’s still your friend. Also, and this is my opinion, ditching on helping him move was a dick move. I’ve helped plenty of friends move who have significant others or friends present that I don’t like - but helping a guy move is a Guy Friend Responsibility. You help him move this weekend, and next month he helps you bury that stripper’s body in the desert. It’s how that works. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/129 "2009-10-02T20:51:42Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > OK, the plan is to do nothing but just go out and watch the MNF game with my buddy pursuant to the boys only invite. If this husband shows up, fine, we can tell him about all this crap if he wants. If he does not show up, then I think we have our answer. > > If they BOTH show up as a couple, then we get pissed at them for disrespecting the boys only invite and either she leaves, they both leave, or we leave. Good plan, IMHO. 🙂 ETA: If they both show up, she is a controlling witch of the highest order and he is p-whipped beyond all hope of redemption. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/130 "2009-10-02T21:02:36Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > Also, and this is my opinion, ditching on helping him move was a dick move. I’ve helped plenty of friends move who have significant others or friends present that I don’t like - but helping a guy move is a Guy Friend Responsibility. You help him move this weekend, and next month he helps you bury that stripper’s body in the desert. It’s how that works. Dude, think about it. That’s not just helping a _buddy_ move, you’d be volunteering to work under the command of She Who Is To Be Obeyed. Can you imagine trying to move a fridge with a batshit crazy control freak telling you that everything you’re doing you are doing wrong? And that you put the couch 1.625 inches too far to the left. And that you clearly didn’t follow the diagram she put together detailing the exact order everything should be piled into the truck and how much time it should take to put the microwave in place according to her floor plan. I’ll help you hide the body, but I wouldn’t help that witch move shit. No one deserves that stress. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/131 "2009-10-02T21:13:54Z")
Jeezycreezy. > [@Bearflag70](#): > > I run my own business and I get a fair number of clients through her employer. She is also an internet blogger. Her employer is huge, and she’s just a small part of it, but I don’t want her blogging shit about me because I sent her some note that pissed her off. She seems like the type to hold a grudge and act on it. > > If she is indeed “Done” with us and we continue to get no response on the MNF invite, then I think we are indeed done without further action. Yeah, forget what I said before; do not send an email. I was only suggesting it because it sounded like a) she was going to keep pushing the issue, b) you had given up all hope of hanging out with this guy, and c) he seemed legitimately hurt and confused as to why his buddies were ignoring him. If he asked what was going on, it seemed only fair to give him a straight answer (with the understanding that there was no coming back from that). But now that none of those is necessarily the case, and given the above, it’s out of the question. I take it all back. And it sounds like you’re not going to anyway, but yeah. Don’t. > [@Bearflag70](#): > > OK, the plan is to do nothing but just go out and watch the MNF game with my buddy pursuant to the boys only invite. If this husband shows up, fine, we can tell him about all this crap if he wants. If he does not show up, then I think we have our answer. > > If they BOTH show up as a couple, then we get pissed at them for disrespecting the boys only invite and either she leaves, they both leave, or we leave. My guess is that if she’s “done” with you, she’s not going to allow him to come play, either. Or she’ll come with him again, to make it crystal clear that she Will Not Be Excluded. But if he does show up alone by some miracle, I’d still hesitate to tell him what’s up, even if he asks. If you’re doing him the courtesy of giving an explanation for dropping him, fine. But if you’re not intending to drop him, and he manages to show up on his own, then he most likely knows very well what’s up and doesn’t need to hear any more about it. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2009, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/132 "2009-10-02T21:16:05Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > Dude, think about it. That’s not just helping a _buddy_ move, you’d be volunteering to work under the command of She Who Is To Be Obeyed. Can you imagine trying to move a fridge with a batshit crazy control freak telling you that everything you’re doing you are doing wrong? And that you put the couch 1.625 inches too far to the left. And that you clearly didn’t follow the diagram she put together detailing the exact order everything should be piled into the truck and how much time it should take to put the microwave in place according to her floor plan. > > I’ll help you hide the body, but I wouldn’t help that witch move shit. No one deserves that stress. Plus, I would be stuck there for who knows how long with the both of them potentially trying to pump me for information as to why we’ve been so distant after the cabin trip. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2009, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/133 "2009-10-03T00:14:54Z")
> [@Jodi](#): > > Good plan, IMHO. 🙂 > > ETA: If they both show up, she is a controlling witch of the highest order and he is p-whipped beyond all hope of redemption. Until the get divorced. Which is NOT a given. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2009, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/134 "2009-10-03T20:53:38Z")
I can’t remember reading it, but has anybody considered the fact that this guy may be more at fault than we think? He may be some sort of rummy, for whom a BNO would be the kiss of death. That would fit a lot of the problem. If he were to go out ‘just to a restaurant’, well, after the supper, just one nightcap could be his Waterloo. Also, knock off trying to ‘help’ him. Do you think that a guy’s night out has more appeal than a wife? A good friend, perhaps an ex-good friend of mine, one time told me that a great way to get out of uncomfortable invites was to blame the spouse, and he and she were agreed on this. I thought that it was a good tactic, and was pleased that he shared it with me. When he used it on me, later, it didn’t occur to me, being dull, that he was using it on me, because he had told me beforehand! This is the kind of thinking that makes people want to help friends get away from their wives. It is immature… marriage is to separate from friends and stay married to the wife. Perhaps he found that a home life, with a wife who is a bit of a crank is more agreeable than hanging out with the guys? BTW, their world will not end if you continually just blow off their invites with ‘we’re too busy’ responses. They know that life happens, and will think nothing of it, in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![Snow\_Pea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Snow\_Pea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snow_Pea)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2009, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/135 "2009-10-03T21:08:59Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > BTW, their world will not end if you continually just blow off their invites with ‘we’re too busy’ responses. They know that life happens, and will think nothing of it, in the long run. Um, did you even read this thread? Like the part about her facebook posts?😕 ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2009, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/136 "2009-10-03T23:21:59Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Do you think that a guy’s night out has more appeal than a wife? . . . marriage is to separate from friends and stay married to the wife. Perhaps he found that a home life, with a wife who is a bit of a crank is more agreeable than hanging out with the guys? BNO/GNO and marriage are not mutually exclusive. For many people, working in the occasional BNO/GNO is more appealing than spending every single night with the SO for the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![ShadowFacts](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shadowfacts/32/2934_2.png) [@ShadowFacts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadowFacts)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/137 "2009-10-05T17:59:09Z")
I meant to reply to this thread earlier, but ran out of time. Anyway, late to the party now, but when the guy asked you if there was a problem, part of me would have wanted to say: “Sorry, we’re ‘one best friend couple’ kind of people.” Perhaps then he would have realized how stupid his wife sounds. Probably not, but it might have been satisfying to say. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/138 "2009-10-05T19:22:45Z")
I’m so interested to see how this plays out. However, the quote listed below seems to be a little too harsh. You’re really going to kick them out of your house? > [@](#): > > If they BOTH show up as a couple, then we get pissed at them for disrespecting the boys only invite and either she leaves, they both leave, or we leave. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/139 "2009-10-05T19:24:10Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > I’m so interested to see how this plays out. > > However, the quote listed below seems to be a little too harsh. You’re really going to kick them out of your house? sports bar ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134/140 "2009-10-05T19:32:03Z")
I have gotten no reply to the invite, BTW. I’m seriously tempted to just call the guy and say, "Look. Nobody is right or wrong or good or bad here, and I’m not accusing anyone of anything, but we have found there is simply a fundamental personality conflict going on, like oil and water. The bottom line is that if we are to hang out in the future, it’s gotta be boys only from here on out. I’m sorry, but that’s what’s been happening here and we were just not sure how to handle the whole thing. I’m happy to call and joke around online and whatever, but we just won’t be able to hang out as big group." If he asks for specifics, I would just refuse to get into details as being unconstructive. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/potentially-socially-awkward-situation-where-we-like-the-husband-as-a-friend-but-not-his-wife/507134.md?page=8)