Pre-Nup Counseling: Wouldja, Couldja, Didja?

[Quiddity_Glomfuster]

@Larry Mudd

Maybe I’m naive, but I think that if you’ve lived together long enough to consider marriage, you already know your way around each other better than any third party is liable to.

Really not the case in many situations. As Mesquite-oh remarked,

there are a lot of couples who just let stuff slide, keeping things inside, thinking that they can talk about it and change themselves or their partner later

There are a lot of people who dread ‘confrontation’ and so won’t bring up any issues or concerns. They just have affairs and/or leave after letting issues pile up unresolved for a long time.

@lee

Well, I did not do counseling before getting married, and would not have signed a pre-nup, in fact, getting asked to sign a pre-nup would have made me reconsider. That was nearly twenty years ago. I was only 18 so what did I know? I just talked to my husband and he says if I had asked him to sign one, it would make him wonder why I did not trust him, and would also have made it difficult to trust me.

See, that’s the problem. It has nothing to do with ‘not trusting’ the other person. What you don’t trust is life; that the other person will remain sane and reasonable. That the other person won’t become an addict or in some other way change. That old age won’t turn the other person into a wierdo.

I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t want me to sign a prenup (and would do the same in return) because none of us can guarantee that we’ll be sane and rational our whole lives. I’d think anyone wise enough to take that into consideration was an eminently sensible sort.

[Hilarity_N.Suze]

1st engagement: had premarital counseling. Backed out, broke up.
2nd engagement: Had premarital counseling. Backed out, broke up.
3rd engagement: Rushed to altar before issue of premarital counseling could be raised. Married 30 years.

So…no, I would not consider it. But then, I wouldn’t consider getting married again, either, since after being married I seems like an all-around bad deal and I’m amazed that anyone does it twice.

[lee]

[QUOTE=Quiddity GlomfusterSee, that’s the problem. It has nothing to do with ‘not trusting’ the other person. What you don’t trust is life; that the other person will remain sane and reasonable. That the other person won’t become an addict or in some other way change. That old age won’t turn the other person into a wierdo.
[/QUOTE]

This is still a lack of trust and faith. Marriage, at least my marriage, is a no matter what proposition, no looking back, and none of this inventing things in the future that would be an out. There is one out, it is death.

[Nava]

@Rebecca DiMwitter

One question, tho, Nava: WHY twin beds? Snoring? Restless movement during the night from one partner so the other cannot sleep? Family tradition? Can’t feature it myself, but then no one in my family history back 3 generations has ever done this, so maybe I am missing something GRAND about it?

Snoring is the same. The basic advantage is that you don’t both end up in the middle of the bed hitting each other as you twist and turn; it’s also easier for one partner to get in and out of bed without waking the other. A more modern advantage is that they can have different amounts of covers (in the winter my father slept with a single thin blanket, Mom with 3 thick ones; in the summer my father slept with a single thin blanket and no I’ve not made a mistake, Mom on top of the sheets) and different matresses.

SiL also wanted a single long pillow but there my brother said no way, he often wakes up hugging his so it would have been a fight.

[Dangerosa]

Its a family tradition in my house to share a bed (and a bedroom) only for as long as your kids are home. Littlest leaves for college about the time (traditionally, I had my kids late) women start sleeping lighter. That snoring you slept through when you are twenty-five wakes you up when you are forty-five, add in the night sweats of menopause, etc. and everyone is happier in two beds.

[TroubleAgain]

A friend of mine found the book The Hard Questions: 100 Questions To Ask Before You Say I Do to be very useful in making sure they discussed all the things a couple really needs to know they’re on the same page about.

MY “premarital counselling” consisted of an hour’s chat with the minister, whose best advice was never go to bed mad, and don’t get in the habit of watching different tv shows in different rooms of the house, because he made that mistake and now he and his wife spend most evenings alone watching their own shows.