# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![merge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9f8e36/32.png) [@merge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/merge)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/241 "2003-11-21T20:42:15Z")
**Governor Quinn** will be mauled by Governor schwarzenegger(aka The Governator), in an attemp to take over the world by first eliminating all other Governors. hey if ya goota go… why not by AHNOLD!! ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/242 "2003-11-21T21:07:03Z")
**merge** , ironically, was killed in a traffic accident. E was trying to exit from the Pennsylvania Turnpike directly onto Interstate 95. Due to bad planning by PennDot, the PA Turnpike - I95 interchange has no merge area. Or exit ramps. Or interchange, for that matter – the roads cross, but don’t actually connect. Jumping a car from one highway to another, off a bridge, and at an angle is something best left to the professional stunt drivers. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/243 "2003-11-21T22:04:25Z")
**Scuba\_Ben** wanted to be the first man to go over Niagara Falls without a barrel and live. Shortly before he went over, he discovered that, in fact, he would be only the third person (and second grown man) to go over. He lost his will to live, and the result of that is obvious. They never did find the body, though. ---
**Author:** ![terd\_ferguson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@terd\_ferguson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terd_ferguson)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/244 "2003-11-22T03:40:08Z")
Deciding he had had enough, Leo will savagely beat **Govenor Quinn** to death with a [spatula.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=177291&perpage=50&pagenumber=15&?postid=3544705#post3544705/) Why I remember that, I do not know. ---
**Author:** ![terd\_ferguson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@terd\_ferguson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terd_ferguson)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/245 "2003-11-22T04:08:27Z")
and by [spatula](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=177291&perpage=50&pagenumber=15&?postid=3544705#post3544705/), i mean [spatula](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=3544705#post3544705). Bah. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/246 "2003-11-22T04:35:39Z")
**terd\_ferguson** drowned… I’ll leave that to you, the reader, to dwell upon. Don’t be punny. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/247 "2003-11-22T04:47:06Z")
**SanguineSpider** made the somewhat unfortunate decision of visiting the local “makeout point” with his/her signifigant other. Said makeout point happened to be located near the graveyard of the Abandoned Lakeside Summer Camp for Insane Indians, which burned down with the loss of all souls, exactly 100 years ago that very night. **SanguineSpider** was never seen again. (Well…his/her _head_ was never seen again. Intact.) ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/248 "2003-11-22T05:00:03Z")
**Ranchoth** builds a \*\*ranch in the glorious valley **oth**. He makes a killing by breeding (normally. not that way) an unusually large and tasty type of hamster. Although the first several hundred generations of uber hamsters are docile enough, eventually they develope rudementary intelligence. They are able to keep this a secret by building their civilisation underground and keeping their “native” habits above ground. Eventually **Ranchoth** is drilling for a new well and drills straight into the sacred chamber of the hamster god SQUEEEEKE. Enraged, the hamster priests ascend to the surface and um, well, they sort of, uh… let’s see, how do I put this? Oh, yea, they “disembowel” him. From behind. And from inside. ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/249 "2003-11-22T07:17:06Z")
Pervert, while walking along the beach, came across a ring lying in the sand. He puts it on and hears in his head, “I am the magic ring of Hakabarnacandamanderson. I will grant you one wish.” Thinking quickly, but not well, Pervert shouts, “I want 10 million bucks!” The beachcomers dined on venison for two weeks before his body was discovered. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/250 "2003-11-22T07:51:09Z")
i have nothing to contribute, i just came here to die. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/251 "2003-11-22T11:33:17Z")
**shijinn** , in a perverse twist of fate, was cursed by the gods with immortaility: forced to live forever, wandering from thread to thread, each one more mundane and pointless, each one more larded with bad puns than the last, till he cried out in anguish for release, and was mercifully banned. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/252 "2003-11-22T11:52:01Z")
The pay was good, the benefits excellent, and the work fulfilling; unfortunately, **EddyTeddyFreddy** failed to consider the potential risks of becoming an Evil Henchman before signing the contract. OTOH, the hero _did_ get the opportunity to use the line “Have a nice _flay_”, so it wasn’t a total wash. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/253 "2003-11-22T16:40:05Z")
Initially, of course, **Gyrate** was the most sought after exotic dancer in history. Her undulation were legendary. Of course time caught up with her and she eventually would up playing in the sleazier (and less well maintained) gentlemens clubs. This eventually led to a bizarre freak (no, not redundant, the accident was bizarre, and the pole was a freak) pole climbing accident. When she awoke in the hospital days later she found that many dollars of surgery had been necessary to save her life. The pole could not be removed (it refused I told you it was a freak). So it had had to be incorporated into her anatomy. Unfortunately this left her unable to continue in her chosen perfession. She did, however make a fortune on the revived freak show circuit and she eventually retired to a small island in the bahamas where she died at the young age of 132. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/254 "2003-11-22T16:55:15Z")
**pervert** acted like one frequently. One day, he offened the wrong person. It took 6 days to scrap all the remains off the wall, and they had to have a closed-casket funeral as a result. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/255 "2003-11-22T17:05:57Z")
Apparently at some point in the future I’m also having a sex change operation. At least now I know I’ll have a new and exciting career awaiting me. 🙂 It wasn’t so much the manner of **Governor Quinn** ’s death that prevented the press from reporting it as it was that no one could agree on what the proper scientific name would be for the offspring of an ocelot and a walrus. It was just as well, however, as the laundromat owner was happy to avoid the negative publicity. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/256 "2003-11-22T17:27:30Z")
Oh, your a guy:smack: well in that case… No. the pronouns change but the story could remain the same (just need to make the pole a _little_ more freaky. 😉 Or, it could have gone this way: **Gyrate** was a happy lad working as a cabana boy for a washed up stripper on a private island. He learned everything he needed to know working there working up the chain of command at the exclusive resort which ran the place. Eventually he became CEO of the muti billion dollar company which by that time ran many resorts, cruise ships, and other vacation properties all around the world. Unfortunately for little **Gyrate** he sorley missed the old days carrying drinks on a platter accross the hot sand in his cut off shorts. Oddly enough that is exactly how they found him. The tray and drinks spilt by his corpse. The old cut offs having in fact cut off circulation to his legs. Of course, he wasn’t on the beach. He was in his office in New York. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/257 "2003-11-22T20:53:09Z")
**pervert** , the perverted fellow, was being very perverted one afternoon while no one else was at home (or maybe he lives alone, I don’t know) . He popped on the computer and “popped off” over and over and over again without drinking the proper amount of fluids. After viewing massive amounts of perverted porn websites, he popped his last pop and died. His neighbors found him, dehydrated and grinning about a week later, hand on knob, computer still on one of the afore mentioned websites. They knew instantly what had become of poor **pervert** but they weren’t going to put _that_ on his headstone, nosiree! ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/258 "2003-11-22T21:12:38Z")
**SanguineSpider** went up the water-spout. Down came the rain, and washed the spider out. Up came the sun and dried up his wretched corpse. And that’s the end of that chapter. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/259 "2003-11-22T21:20:26Z")
S.Spider was just hanging out on the web, when along came a fly. Not just any fly, mind you, but an errant African Tsetse (sp?) Fly, escaped from a nearby Entomology Department. Spidey began to feel sleeply - very sleepy. The bite only itched a little. Not enough to keep Spidey awake, unfortunately. As Spidey’s head lolled forward, over the computer, a little drop of saliva dripped onto the keyboard. Even more unfortunately, it hit the precise spot where Spidey had dropped a heavy paperweight the previous week, creating a tiny break in a wire. The saliva sliped into the wire and shorted it out, sending a jolt of electricity through the computer, out the mouse cord and into Spidey’s clutched hand, causing immediate, and fatal, electrocution. The fly hovered above, laughing softly to itself, knowing that he was possibly the only fly ever to kill a spider! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/260 "2003-11-22T22:49:34Z")
**zoogirl** died as she had lived: wearing a tutu, in a wading pool filled with gherkins and cold oatmeal. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=14)