# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/281 "2003-11-23T14:03:15Z")
**Blonde** was under the impression that **UncleBeer** wanted her dead. To protect herself against this thread, she filled her house with booby-traps, connected to tons of junk. One day, she set off all of her traps at once. It took the police eight weeks of digging through 90 tons of junk in order to find her body. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/282 "2003-11-23T17:00:06Z")
**Governor Quinn** liked balloons. He, in fact, loved balloons. Very much. The sight of many colored balloons floating up into the sky would fill his heart to the brim, the very _brim_ with warm, fuzzy feelings! He loved balloons so. One day, whilst feeding randy squirrels down at the park, **Governor Quinn** saw a clown walking around, surrounded by happy, smiling children, holding something that made **Quinn** ’s heart begin to skip with unfettered JOY! **Balloons**!! Many colored balloons, the clown, held in his hands as he walked the park in a wide circle, trailing laughing, happy children. **Governor Quinn** shot up from his bench, scaring the randy squirrels to death, making them run in fear for the trees but **Quinn** took no notice of them, he only had eyes for those lovely, lovely balloons. He ran straight toward the clown, straight to the balloons! The clown was smiling down at the children, handing out the floating bags of _joy_ when he caught sight of a grown man running full throttle at him. Frightened beyond comprehension, the clown whipped out a gun from his yellow plaid baggy pants and shot the enemy down. The shot rang out in the startled silence, birds flapping in fright to gain the safety of the skies and the children screamed! They ran for their mothers, they ran to their fathers, oh horror! **Governor Quinn** lay still on the ground. The clown had let the balloons go in the panic of the moment and the last thing **Quinn** ever saw was the graceful flight of many colored balloons taking to the blue, blue heavens. Some might say that his soul danced with those lovely balloons up into the sky as he died and I’d say they were right. He had loved those balloons. What a lovely dance, indeed. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/283 "2003-11-23T19:42:08Z")
**SanguineSpider** fell madly in love with a tarantula. Their families disapproved of a mixed marriage, and the web-crossed lovers were forced to flee to the Middle East, where everyone was too busy killing in the name of a loving, merciful God to spare any time for interspecies miscegenation. So the two spiders lived happily, raising their odd-looking brood, until an errant missile from the latest war (was it Iran vs. Israel? U.S. vs. Syria? Everybody vs. The Rest?) landed smack dab on their cozy web and obliterated the entire family. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/284 "2003-11-23T23:25:57Z")
They all told **EddyTeddyFreddy** it wasn’t safe to use that rickety stepladder to add ingredients to the industrial-sized blender, but she was too determined to get into the record books to listen. On the bright side, not only did she realize her lifelong dream of making the World’s Largest Smoothie, the Guinness people also gave her a second entry for _becoming_ the World’s Largest Smoothie. It’s what she would have wanted, really. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/285 "2003-11-24T01:38:24Z")
In a rare moment of zeal, **Gyrate** decided to post a rational comment in The Pit. ::::averting eyes:::: That blood is going to be quite difficult to get off the carpet, methinks. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/286 "2003-11-24T04:28:32Z")
Blonde is now on the Olympic Team. She catches javelins! Too bad! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/287 "2003-11-24T09:19:44Z")
In other news: an unidentified Doper was found dead today, sliced into seventeen different pieces arranged into three lines. Police believe this may be the work of the deadly Haiku Ninjas. Film at 11. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/288 "2003-11-24T13:35:33Z")
Alas, poor **Gyrate**! When commanded by an irate Doper in the Pit to “Screw you!”, he goes into an uncontrollable spin and augers himself into the ground. Head first. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/289 "2003-11-24T14:06:21Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** Always liked cats. Everyone knew that. That why we all gave her cat pictures, toys, and statues for christmases and birthdays. Who know that one of those statues was actually an ancient Egyption god. Not a representative of a god, but an actual god in statue form. But it was. One day, having just finished her 3 hour morning ritual of cleaning up after, feeding, grooming and playing with the cats (those of them who were morning felines anyway), the god Meowq spoke to her. "fjdka fdsiopw wep n p qerfrei0 " “Oh, wait, let me try english.” it said, “That’s better.” “Greetings **EddyTeddyFreddy**. You have proven yourself a true friend to all cats. I will reward you with a luxurious trip to the cat city on the moon.” Flaberghasted and surprised as well, she stammered “a a allright.” As she took the offered paw of the little god, they began to float up into the night sky. The soared gently around and through clouds. They were joined by spirit cats of all descriptions. As they travelled, Meowq spoke to her telling her of the history of the kingdom of cats and their glorious city on the far side of the moon. He told her tales of heroic cats of old. He told her of the first cats and their vow to watch over the silly simeans. With the company of thousands of other spirit cats and Meowq she was in heaven. Their flight through the night was only matched by their approach to the cat city. The soaring scratch posts were divine. Many of them rose for hundreds of feet above the floor of the valley which sheltered the city. A place of honor had been prepared for **EddyTeddyFreddy**. She enjoyed all the catnip, fish delacacies, and an unending stroking which had her in at an almost constant purr. She lived what she thought was a lifetime amongst the spirit cats of earth. She met most of them from one time to another as they would visit. She was surrounded by cats. Never had to clean up after any of them. And best of all, there were always curious kittens eager to explor new parts of the city with her. Finally, of course, Meowq informed her that she had to return to earth. When she did, she found that only a week had passed here. “Live the rest of your lives well. Your cats will always be welcomed among us.” Meowq said in the formal farwell of his people. Of course when she told someone about her trip, she was immediately branded a heratic and burned at the stake. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/290 "2003-11-24T14:21:36Z")
**pervert** thought that he could fly. To test this theory, he jumped off the roof of a 30-story building. It turned out that he could fly, however, he could never pay attention to the power lines. The blackout in the central business district lasted for 6 hours. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/291 "2003-11-24T21:05:23Z")
OOOOOOOooooooooo… **pervert** , that was wonderful! Well worth being burned at the stake for. 😃 **Governor Quinn** was an unfortunate casualty of poor **pervert’s** untimely demise. He happened to be riding in an elevator that had just reached the top floor of the city’s tallest skyscraper when the power outage hit. **Governor Quinn** was patient for the first hour; impatient for the second, in the stifling darkness of the elevator cab; bordering on raving loonie by the end of the third hour. It didn’t help that the emergency phone was missing and the car was stuck between floors so he couldn’t even attract attention by pounding on the doors. Finally, he grew so desperate that he opened the hatch in the elevator ceiling and scrambled to the top of the cab. He was just searching for handholds on the wall to try to get to the doors just above him, so tantalizingly out of reach, when the cab gave a lurch and began to descend in fits and starts. The elevator car ground and stuttered down, down, down… and miraculously stopped with its top level with a set of doors. **Governor Quinn** scrabbled at them and managed to wrench them apart, just as the elevator began to move again. With a terrified heave, **Governor Quinn** threw himself off the car and onto the safety of the hallway, narrowly escaping being crushed by the counterweight. He picked himself up, quivering with reaction, and with just one thought in his dazed mind: “Where’s the bathroom?” Afar down the hallway, still in darkness, he saw in the feeble red glow of an emergency light a men’s room door. **Governor Quinn** hurried as fast as he could in the barely lit corridor to the door, pushed it open, and groped his way in. Too bad it was so dark he never saw the p[uddle of soapy water just inside the door. Slip! and the last thing he thought as his head smacked into the urinal was: “Oh shit.” ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/292 "2003-11-24T21:26:53Z")
After reading what must be her fiftieth death, **EddyTeddyFreddy** suddenly started humming to herself “50 ways to meet your maker …” > [@](#): > > You just slip on your back, Jack > Don’t make a new plan, Stan > Got run over by cars, Lars > Just get yourself free > Run over by a bus, Gus > You don’t need to discuss much > You’ll be dead as a doorknob, Bob > And you will be free At which point you’ll pound your head into the pavement to get it to stop. You eventually succeed … ---
**Author:** ![BellaDellaItalia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@BellaDellaItalia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellaDellaItalia)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/293 "2003-11-24T21:51:40Z")
Wow! My computer’s been down for a few days, I figured by the time I got to one my thread would be gone! You guys rock, really. **Ponder Stibbons** was grocery-shopping and came across a most peculiar dressed woman standing in the line. He tried ever so hard not to stare, but se was dressed from head to toe in sealskin. Big sealskin boots, pants, and coat lined in polar bear fur. She noticed **Ponder Stibbons** staring at her and smiled over at him. “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but ask—why are you dressed like that?” Her mouth dropped open, then she pressed her lips together in a thin, angry line. Her eyes flashing, she dropped her groceries right there and marched out of the store. **Ponder Stibbons** was so busy, however, he soon forgot all about the whole episode. Later that week, he was even thrilled to hear he had won a free one-week vacation to the beautiful island of Wakonu. The brochure they had sent was so colorful and informative! Spas, bars, clubs, five-star hotels, this place had it all! He never noticed that there weren’t any actual pictures of the island in the brochure. **Ponder Stibbons** packed his bags. The letter said to be at the airport at 11 am sharp. As **Ponder Stibbons** was riding in the taxi he thought about how much fun this vacation would be. **Ponder Stibbons** hadn’t had a break off from work since he-couldn’t-even-remember when. **Ponder Stibbons** was still way psyched on the plane. He didn’t even notice he was the only one on it, such was his eagerness to get to Wakonu. Finally the pilot announced thier landing. Excitedly, **Ponder Stibbons** looked out the window. Wait a minute. Something was wrong. He was supposed to be on a tropical island. So why did everything look so…cold? The ground was covered in snow, and icicles hung from the gray, gray buildings. There had to be some kind of mistake. **Ponder Stibbons** got up and knocked on the door to the cockpit boldly. “Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to speak to the pilot!” The door swung open, and a sealskin-gloved hand pulled him in. **Ponder Stibbons** was never seen again. Like I always say, never anger an irritable Eskimo. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/294 "2003-11-24T23:49:25Z")
**BellaDellaItalia** was so excited to have computer access to the Net after being without for a few days, she kept hitting the wrong keys. She’d have multiple windows open, and post the reply for one thread in a different one. Oh, the embarrassment! Things got totally out of control, though, when she meant to privately email a scathing comment about a mod to a Doper pal, and instead inadvertently posted it to every forum on the SDMB. :eek: All the mods tried to ban her simultaneously. The hamsters became so confused with the sudden rush of ban orders that they leaped out of their wheels and attacked the administrators. In all the confusion, **BellaDellaItalia** escaped, but her shame was so great that shortly thereafter she ended her life by sticking a wet finger into a wall socket. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2003, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/295 "2003-11-25T01:26:17Z")
The doctors said they had never seen anything like it before. One day, all of **EddyTeddyFreddy** ’s pores began to expand and expand, until eventually all the holes connected and she vanished completely. Mystifying. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/296 "2003-11-25T01:49:43Z")
**Gyrate** got lost while on the way to the bathroom, and ended up on the battlefield of the Battle of the Somme. Right in the middle of No Man’s Land. At the very beginning of the battle. The poppies still blow over **Gyrate’s** grave. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2003, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/297 "2003-11-25T03:03:04Z")
While collecting poppies from over **Gyrate** ’s grave (don’t worry he promised not to inhale ;)), **Governor Quinn** noticed a small strange glowing rock. Approaching it he noticed that the colors shifted ever so slowly. Oddly enough they did not follow the standard progression through the rainbow. Orange faded into purple. And red faded into puce. Just as he was about to touch the stone, it spoke to him. “Let me tell you a story.” it said in a soothing voice. **Governor Quinn** sat down to listen as the small stone told him of a great battle which took place on this very spot many many years ago. It told him of the mighty warrior **Gyrate** who suddenly appeared and struggled mightily to save lives on both sides. It told him of the angel **EddyTeddyFreddy** who aided the warrior on his struggles of mercy. The soothing voice and engrosing story slowly lulled **Governor Quinn** to sleep. As he drifted off, he heard from far away a high shrill voice saying “IIII’lll get you my little pretties. And your little dog toto too.” And even farther off, he heard the voice of T-Bone singing “Poppies Poppiees Poppeis”. Of course having been lulled to sleep in a poppy field, he soon dies of exposure. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2003, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/298 "2003-11-25T03:25:03Z")
**pervert** will die in a shootout with police. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2003, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/299 "2003-11-25T03:42:00Z")
**Michael Ellis** will survive the shootout, unlike his partner in crime **pervert** , but will die in jail shortly after being put in the same cell as Bubba “Ogre-Face” Hulkmeister. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2003, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/300 "2003-11-25T04:16:55Z")
P is for **pervert** who passed away in the dead of night. E is for **EddyTeddyFreddy** who died by a terrible fright. G is for **Governor Quinn** who gagged on a hotdog at the game. B is for **BigDaiv** who can’t remember my gender but remembers my name (he died, too). B is for **Blonde** who died tragically from the bubonic plague. G is for **Gyrate** who passed away from a disease rightly vague. _rn these dear posters and forget not the reason. The clock, it is ticking, and short is our “season”._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=16)