# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/321 "2003-11-26T18:09:01Z")
My deaths are _too_ long??? Oh sadness, I cry now! ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/322 "2003-11-26T20:10:30Z")
For MPSIMS, yes – so they get moved to Great Debates, where they’re merely a flyspeck compared to the usual longwinded ripostes. But you have to provide a cite for each event. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/323 "2003-11-26T22:07:43Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** died from reading **SanguineSpider** ’s horribly long posts about the deaths of previous posters. Possibly more posters died as well, but that may just be a rumor. _sigh_ spider sad… ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/324 "2003-11-27T00:01:43Z")
**SanguineSpider** , saddened—oh so saddened—by **EddyTeddyFreddy** ’s accusations of long-winded-postyness, decided she had no other choice but to track down and terminate the feline queen. On the day after Thanksgiving 2003, **SanguineSpider** caged up a few of her prized battle squirrels, rented an ultralight, and took off over the wilds of Exurbia in search of the feline compound. She was so focused, so intent on paying **ETF** back that she failed to notice she was closing in on a Boeing 777 full of full Thanksgiving travellers. She entered the business end of a jet engine, which was none too kind to our poor, poor richly red spider. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/325 "2003-11-27T01:37:50Z")
**peritrochoid** wanted to organize a coup to establish Fascist rule in this country. However, he (for reasons unknown) decided to start the revolution in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. Within 10 minutes, the local Orthodox Jewish community had torn him into so many pieces that it took dental records to confirm the identity of the deceased. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/326 "2003-11-27T03:04:30Z")
**Governor Quinn** needed a fabulous Christmas gift for his SO – and he needed it fast, after that incident with the **Blonde** and **TheLoadedDog**. He thought his explanation had pacified her, but if **BigDaiv** ever spilled the beans on what he’d been up to with **CrazyCatLady** , his goose was cooked – and not for Thanksgiving. He wandered about the shops on the day after Thanksgiving, looking feverishly for the perfect gift, but nothing he saw seemed just right. Then he spotted it: A ruby-red evening purse, spun of the finest spider silk! The price was outlandishly high, but **Governor Quinn** was in no position to haggle; **peritrochoid** had just called on his cellphone to warn him that **NoClueBoy** had finally gotten one, and was about to connect the dots. There wasn’t a moment to spare! So **Governor Quinn** , not even stopping for gift wrapping, rushed home with his prize, and laid it at the comfy slippers of his SO, burbling nervously: “I thought you’d like this little bauble as an early Christmas gift, my love!” His SO gave him a :dubious: look, but took the red silk purse and opened it. AAAAAARRRRRR!!! Out leaped a black widow spider, who seemed to swell to more than human size, as it cried out to the stunned woman: “Beware the gift of a faithless lover!” **Governor Quinn** staggered back in horror – “Alas! I am undone!” With a wail of despair, he turned and fled, tripping over a wayward cat, tumbling down a flight of stairs, rolling out the front door, and landing headfirst in a concrete mixer that just happened to be passing by. His SO watched it all with a slowly growing grin, then invited the spider to her parlor for a cozy chat over some curds and whey. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/327 "2003-11-27T03:14:19Z")
Driving her concrete mixer one Chrismas eve, **EddyTeddyFreddy** didn’t even notice when the local Governor fell in. When she got to her worksite, however, and began to poor the foundation to the new city recreation center, every one of the dignataries on hand noticed. Horrified she hopped back in her truck and tried to get away from the incensed authorities. They chased her, slowmotion, through the center of town. At one point she tried to drop wet (red) cement on her pursuers. It didn’t slow them down, but one cop car slid into a sausage stand. Finally, she made it home. She just wanted to say goodbye to her cats. They had watched the horrible show on TV. And being good members of teh Governor’s party promptly shredded her before she could even enter the house. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/328 "2003-11-27T03:40:32Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** and **SanguineSpider** : what wonderful (horrible) tangled threads you weave! As for **Pervert** - he (I think) decided that the day after Thanksgiving would be optimal for meeting hot chicks at the local mall. Arriving at 10am (a little early to get up on a day off from work, but what the heck.) **Pervert** discovered that no parking spaces were available at the local mall. “What’s this all about?” **Pervert** wondered, cursing under his breath as he parked across the street. Trudging two blocks to the entrance of the mall, he finally arrived at the front door. He reached out for the door handle – it swung outwards, and he met his destiny: to be trampled to death by 3 zillion women frothing at the mouth (because, you see, they just found the BEST EVER gift for Aunt Edith. At a 60% discount, no less.) Bah Humbug, and bye-bye **pervert!** ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/329 "2003-11-27T04:36:28Z")
Wooooow! What a way to go. I’m sure you don’t mind that I made them all 20 something and very hot. 😃 I especially liked the frothing part. I’m not sure why?:dubious: Would it make you think less of me if I admitted I am going shopping the day after with my mother? **Blonde** starves to death. She is alone in her kitchen when she gets a hankering for orange juice. Unfortunately the carton is made from frozen conc…We do all know the joke about the blonde who stared at the carton of orange juice because it said concentrate? Don’t we? ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/330 "2003-11-27T04:40:19Z")
**Blonde** stood against the railing of the enormous cruise ship and gazed westward into the fiery banner of a gorgeous sunset and sighed dreamily… this was the life! She breathed deep the scent of the sea and smiled indulgently. The warmth of the tropical breeze caressed her fair cheek as she watched the sun sink slowly into the waves. This was _heaven_! She wandered back toward the door leading into the ship’s interior, feeling a strong urge to dance the starry night away in one of the cruise ship’s several huge ballrooms. Maybe she’d order some of those little fancy drinks with the umbrellas and get loose for once. **Blonde** had decided to go on a cruise to do just that. It was something crazy, something wild, and she needed to unwind. Back in her cabin, she dressed and went out to meet one of those sexy strangers the brochure had mentioned. This was going to be fun, fun, fun! No sooner had she entered and already she was asked to dance. Oh yeah, this had been a good idea, she told herself as she samba’d and shimmied far into the night. The crowd was dwindling, **Blonde** was resting after a solid hour of getting her boogie down, getting her groove on and she ordered her tropical drinks by the twos. She was _hot_ after so much dancing and decided to take a break out on the poopdeck, wishing for a cool breeze to simmer her down. She tripped getting up from her chair and giggled, the few men who had stayed to possibly see her to her cabin later, smiled at her. She was tipsy and she wavered on her heels as she waved to the fellas and went out under the stars. The drinks had been so sweet, she never noticed the taste of liquor and maybe she had had one too many but it didn’t matter. She was relaxed and having fun. Walking close to the railing, she waved to the big, bright moon hanging in the sky and looked out at the glittering waves. Oh… how wonderful it’d be to swim, she mused and without thinking, kicked off her heels. The water looked so _inviting_, she just HAD to swim! She climbed up the railing, tottering a bit, and pointed her hands above her head. She’d do her triple dee duper dive into the waves, just like a mermaid, oh yeah! Off the railing she flew, diving in clumsily and sailed out over the ship. Lucky that she didn’t hit the decks below, lucky that she didn’t hit any of the lifeboats but unlucky that she was so drunk she couldn’t find her way up to the surface. She kept aiming down and no one else knew she had dived. The sexy men were still waiting for her to come back and let one lucky guy seduce her back to his cabin but the somewhat shy, very tipsy beauty had disappeared. ---
**Author:** ![BellaDellaItalia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@BellaDellaItalia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellaDellaItalia)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/331 "2003-11-27T04:56:00Z")
I really should pay more attention to this thread; it gets more and more entertaining every time i see it. **Blonde** ’s parents never let her play football as a child because they were afraid she would get hurt. Get hurt! GET HURT??!!!??? She had plenty of opportunitys to get hurt that didn’t include running around in a helmet and jersey. Why did they limit her so? **Blonde** had been such a lovely, intelligent ninth grader, a straight-A student. She fully deserved to play football if she so desired. All this **Blonde** shared with her therapist as she lay on the couch, babbling away over her wasted childhood. How her sister **Brunette** had given her no support in the matter. How her best friend **Redhead** had thought she was completely crazy for even considering playing football. She had been so very alone. The therapist listened intently, once in a while casting a seruptitious glance at the clock. What a nutcase. The therapist, whose name was **ETF** suggested something. “It’s never too late, you know. You can still live out your dream.” Of course she was saying this so she could get home and post to **SanguineSpider** about all the whackjobs she had seen today; but that was beside the point. **Blonde** jumped up, inspired. “You’re right!” she exclaimed. “I have the number of a trainer in Houston! I’m going to call them right now!” And, as if propelled by some kind of jet-powered sneakers yet to be invented, she zoomed, ancient-roadrunner-cartoon style, out of the room. **ETF** sighed with relief and packed up her purse to go. Meanwhile, **Blonde** stood outside the clinic, dialing the buttons on her cell phone excitedly. Boy, was she excited! The one thing she’s always wanted to do! But danger lurked, and danger’s name was **pervert**. **pervert** was, of course, the brother of famous NFL star, **pedophile** (aka Micheal Jackson). But really, he did lurk, on a thread in which **SanguineSpider** and **ETF** were discussing her mental patients. They were talking about a girl named **Blonde** who had wanted to play football, oh had she ever wanted to play football. **Blonde** was shocked to read this thread. It reminded him so much of his old Dallas High days, when he wrote a story in the school newspaper about a girl named **Blonde** who had wanted to play football. Hey, wait a minute… It must have been the same girl. But hang on, just a minute here. **pervert** had seen **Blonde** play before. She was good. What if she became competition for his brother? That couldn’t happen. No, no, something had to be done… **Blonde** was on the phone with her new coach, **Governer Quinn** , as she stepped into her green convertable. “Yeah, Coach, I know. Protein shakes, right. I already had three today! Got to go.” She hung up the phone and drove to the grocery store to pick up those shakes. Humming cheerily as she browsed the aisles, **Blonde** picked up a box of 32 cans of pure protein. Ummm, looked soo yummy. **Blonde** loved everything about football, the food, the practices, just everything! She was carrying her box to the check-out when she heard her old highschool best friend, **Redhead** ’s voice. Thrilled to see her again, she dropped the box and rushed over to strike up a conversation. While she was talking, she noticed **Redhead** tugging her ear. “What’re you doing that for?” she asked. “What? Oh, nothing.” **pervert** saw the signal and snatched up the protein shakes, sneaking behind a pineapple can display. When **Blonde** got home, she quickly pulled several shakes out of the box. Downing shake after shake, she didn’t even notice the burning sensation in her stomach. She had to get in shape for football, had to… **Blonde** collapsed on the floor, dead, after her seventeenth consecutive shake. Many will mourn her passing. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/332 "2003-11-27T05:13:23Z")
You guys are killing me!! Damn, there are so many places I must avoid now… **Bella,** there is a really good reason why you shouldn’t reach into the hall closet tonight. Yes, we know, you must find the Christmas wrapping paper you purchased (at 75% off!) last January. The thing is, though - deep within that closet a little visitor has been lying in wait. It’s been almost a year since he crept into that darkness, mind you - so he’s quite hungry. Nibbling at all those old sweaters and boxes has peaked his interest for your BLOOD!! Since he’s a gentlemen type of monster, he won’t tell everyone about all those skeletons he’s seen in your closet. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/333 "2003-11-27T06:50:32Z")
**Blonde** was eagerly awaiting the next poster’s contribution to this thread when a meteorite crashed through the roof and struck her in the head, knocking her out with severe brain damage. The end came when the hospital janitor unplugged her life-support machines to use the floor polisher. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/334 "2003-11-27T13:17:32Z")
**Steelerphan, Blonde, pervert, SanguineSpider, BellaDellaItalia** – locked into the Cage of Death and forced to battle with pickaxes, two-by-fours, and frozen turkeys until only one survives! Who will it be? /b[EddyTeddyFreddy\*\*, of course, who had the sense to stay out of the cage, and to offer poisoned Gatorade to the winner. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/335 "2003-11-27T14:52:44Z")
The police raided the steel-cage death match promoted by **EddyTeddyFreddy** , who had unwisely purchased TV aidtime. In the fracas, she was shot no fewer than 17 times, consumed a gallon of her own poisoned Gatorade, had two blows by pickax and nine by frozen turkey, and, finally, had the cade collaspe on her. We can, therefore, safely assume that she’s dead… ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/336 "2003-11-27T15:42:21Z")
**Governor Quinn** was preparing his famous _skunk casserole_ for his equally famous non-traditional Christmas dinner. He had all the ingredients except for the fresh skunk. So he strolls out to the car and heads for the local specialty foods shop. Just beyond his driveway he sees a fresh kill. “You know, I could save $50/lb if I just lay claim to this little fella here. Hmm …” And with that thought, he parks the car nearby, grabs the shovel and a body bag from the trunk (don’t ask), and strolls down to the skunk. Just as he slides the blade under the little guy, **EddyTeddyFreddy** comes barreling down the road, distracted by her carload of unruly furry passengers. _WHAM!_ **Governor Quinn** comes to rest just inches from his former-soon-to-be meal. It just so happens, however, that **EddyTeddyFreddy** was also on a run to find a missing ingredient for her famous _governor pie_. “Hmm …” she thinks, “I could save $13/lb right now.” ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy154](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/ad7895/32.png) [@quiltguy154](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy154)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/337 "2003-11-27T19:12:28Z")
**peritrochoid** : I’ve never made _seviche_ so one day I decided to try. Filling the bathtub up with 8 gallons of scallops and enough lime juice and salt to fill it 3/4’s full, I turned to more mundane household tasks. Unbeknownst to me, **peritrochoid** slips into the tub, because of plumbing problems at _chez P_ and promptly coagulates his entire store of proteins. He was difficult to serve, and not really as presentation-worthy as the rest of the menu. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/338 "2003-11-27T21:31:12Z")
Alas, poor **quiltguy154** - he became so absorbed in MPSIMS word game threads that he failed to notice his own threads were unravelling, until **SanguineSPider** came along one day and started weaving her web off his dangling thread ends. When **quiltguy154** tried at last to get up for a quick bathroom/feeding break, he found himself unable to move! Just then, **Blonde** happened by, and **quiltguy154** begged for her help. Tsk, tsk! You should never ask a **Blonde** for help when her mind is on other things, like keeping **pervert** away from the unstuffed-as-yet turkey (don’t ask). Instead of just cutting the spider threads, **Blonde** tried to untie them, and an hour later **quiltguy154** was more securely tangled up than before. **Blonde** had to run then, since she’d spotted **pervert** eyeing the cranberry sauce (really, don’t ask). So **quiltguy154** looked about for another rescuer, frantic by now to escape. He was about to give up in despair when who should stroll by but **EddyTeddyFreddy**! The clever tri-cat sheared through the tangled threads in an instant with her razor-sharp claws, and **quiltguy154** was free at last! With a groan of relief, he bolted for the bathroom. Why, oh why had he eaten that second helping of baked beans last night??? Alas, he was just a few steps shy of the door when the pressure overload became too much. The firemen who came to put out the following fire said it was one of the worst gas explosions they’d ever encountered. Truly, I don’t set out to write these long deaths – they just sort of unfold as I type. Death by stream of consciousness, you might say. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2003, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/339 "2003-11-27T22:04:14Z")
While running naked, transporting the new lightning rod he got for Christmas, \*\*EddyTeddyFreddy[-/b] failed to notice the thunderstorm rolling in… ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2003, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/340 "2003-11-28T03:03:43Z")
**alice\_in\_wonderland** took one last trip down the rabbit hole. Upon landing, she took down a jar from one of the shelves as she walked by; it was labelled “SDMB jam”, but to her great disappointment the jar was quite empty indeed. She didn’t dare drop the jar (for fear of killing a poster in this thread), so she managed to carry it over to a cupboard as she fell past it. Feeling very woozy, she thought “Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats?” ( **Alice** wondered why she wondered that…until all the bats and cats sneaked up to her, with gleaming red eyes.) “Welcome, **Alice** - the Mad Hatter is going to be very glad to see you!” they said. Why, what a long sleep you’ll be having! Sort of creeping myself out at this point! Yikes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=18)