# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 21
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/401 "2003-12-05T03:16:30Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** wasn’t much of a drinker, but occasionally she’d visit her local beer store to pick up a bottle of wine. On January 7, 2005, she entered the store and strolled down the aisles looking for a really good Merlot. Suddenly, 3 men burst in the door wearing black masks - **ETF** threw herself to the floor and managed to enter the beer cooler as the burglary took place. Dark, and quite cold! Hmm, lots of booze, Coors Light posters (where are the guys, she wonders? Can we get a Coors Man poster, or what??) Cowering in the darkness, she heard a strange sound…almost like a stones being cemented against the cooler door. “NO! Not Poe AGAIN!” she screamed. **EddyTeddyFreddy** survived for 22 days on beer – and as the light dimmed, she was convinced that it was not a bad way to go. Except the rats…well, let’s not go there. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/402 "2003-12-05T03:37:49Z")
**Gyrate** , **Blonde** , **EddyTeddyFreddy** , and **SanguineSpider** decide to put on a little performance peice. Unfortunately they cannot decide on the subject. Cat loving, Pony addoration? Perhaps we should do something involving Poe? Finally, in desperation, they all put a piece of paper into a hat each with a different subject. Unbeknownst to them, **pervert** had slipped his own little note in there. They ended up trying to act out the old joke which starts out “Three blind nuns and an epilectic duck with sticky feet go into a bar…” Critics said that **Gyrate** ’s performance as an epilectic duck was masterful. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/403 "2003-12-05T04:02:29Z")
It was the end for **pervert** when the ultrafundamentalists at last managed to establish a theocracy in the USA. Along with other threats to the morals of America’s youth, he was hunted down and sent to a reeducation camp, where he was forced to subsist on bread and water, with nothing to read but the collected works of Cotton Mather and Fred Phelps. His suffering was indescribable, until at last he ended his tormented life by flinging himself from the roof of the chapel. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/404 "2003-12-05T04:15:05Z")
Outlook not so good, EddyTeddyFreddy, Mars is aligning with Uranus and the conjunction with the Big Dipper will cause the appearance of a spontaneous black hole inside your skull. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/405 "2003-12-05T04:16:42Z")
Have you ever read Cotton Mather? His heart warming story of starving his young sone until the boy agreed to hug him was a formative event in my life. 🙂 Eddy tried and tried to buy more cats. They kept getting lost? She would look and look for them. She posted signs, and kept hope alive. One day she noticed an odd odor coming from the new heighbor who moved in next store. She crossed into his yard to investigate. She knew it was naughty, but these were her cats darn it! She notiece the traps and discarded cans of cat food and became agitated. The traps were live capture, though so maybe… maybe… Her remaining cats could not post signs, of course, but they did keep hope alive in their own feline way. And they never went over to that neighbor again. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/406 "2003-12-05T04:22:26Z")
**pervert** tried to chug **Ale**. It was ugly. Very ugly. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/407 "2003-12-05T04:41:05Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** received a fun gift from her nephew today - an octopus hat he had made in Kindergarten! Oh, how cute, she thought, and threw it up on the kitchen counter. After retiring for the night, **ETF** heard a very strange sound. Stumbling sleepily into her living room, she encountered this demon: [http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/psvaughan/detail?.dir=/pics&.dnm=cat+009.jpg](http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/psvaughan/detail?.dir=/pics&.dnm=cat+009.jpg) Ms. **ETF** died of an acute case of cat-scratch fever one week later. Donations can be made to the “buy Blonde a new camera” fund. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/408 "2003-12-05T05:26:40Z")
**Blonde** wanted to buy a push-up bra. She wanted her ladies up and alert, and had FINALLY saved up enough cash to buy the creme de la creme of all push-up bras ever made: The Victoria’s Secret, Million Dollar Diamond Push-up Bra! Yes, this bad boy was studded with enough diamonds that even the Queen of England herself would be sick to death with green-eyed jealousy! This mighty over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder was dazzling, just DAZ-ZZ-ZZ-LING! It shone like a diamond sun in any sort of light and **Blonde** just _HAD_ to have it! Down she went to the local mall and marched quickly to the sexy bra and panty peddlin’ shop. The bra wasn’t out in plain sight, oh no! This bejeweled baby would be under lock and key, and heavy security, oh yes! Straight up to the snooty, stick figure female behind the counter, **Blonde** went and asked about HER bra. The stick woman stared at her a moment before replying, nose pinched and piggish, and she smirked down at **Blonde** coolly. “Your bra?”, she pondered pointedly, and raised one peaked and perfectly plucked eyebrow at **Blonde** who was starting to fidget with tension. 'Yes, MY bra… the Million Dollar Diamond Push-up Bra… MY bra!" _twitch_ The stick woman smirked even more and started to turn her icy back on **Blonde** but our dear Doper was going to have none of that! 'I got a million bucks that says it’s mine!" _twitch twitch_ The pinched-nose woman looked back quickly. “A million dollars, you say?” “Yeah… now hand over my bra!” The perfectly plucked lady got out a large golden key and fitted it into a keyhole in the wall behind the counter. Opening a small and perfectly hidden panel in the seamlessly wallpapered wall, the lady rummaged a hand within and pulled out the glittering, bedazzling, diamond-bedecked bra with a slow, reverent motion and angelic voices filled the air with joyous song! **Blonde** beamed! The BRA! The Bra to end all other bras… it was so close and so near! The light it reflected was BLINDING and perfect! “One million dollars”, the stick lady murmured and turned to face **Blonde** , the shining bra of ultimate push-up power between them. They sighed as one and **Blonde** handed her the cash slowly, as if in a beautiful dream. It… was… BRILLIANT! It was perfect! And it was hers!!! She grabbed the diamond bra and ran to the fitting rooms. It had to be worn RIGHT NOW!! **Blonde** couldn’t wait another second! In the first fitting room she found to be open, she ripped off her old, ugly jogging bra and happily slipped on the gorgeous lil’ number. She reached behind to hook the snaps and… and… it would’t stretch. _HUH_?? She tried again. Grunting loudly, **Blonde** tried her best to make the bra hooks reach but to no avail! WTF was **THIS**!?! She struggled and strained but the ends wouldn’t meet. Crying in pure panicked desperation, she pulled and tugged the hooks, whimpering and growling, fighting with the inanimate object but she couldn’t hook the wonderful bra! Curses and screams, thuds and bangs could be heard throughout the store, scaring off the other shoppers and then the LOUDEST _SNAP!_ EVER KNOWN TO MANKIND was heard. (silence) The stick woman clerk came to investigate. Slowly she went to the fitting room that **Blonde** had rushed to in her eagerness to wear the end all, be all of all bras and unlocked the door with a key hanging from her bony wrist. The door creaked open in the silence… slowly… so slowly, the door opened. The clerk screamed. The door creaked. Sales have never been the same. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/409 "2003-12-05T05:38:01Z")
SanguineSpider went to a Bio Medical research lab to take some pictures for an article; a deranged young man who had been irradiated with Beta-Kappa-Kappa-Gamma radiations scaped of his cage and bit SanguineSpider on her arm; the next day SanguineSpider noticed she had devoloped extraordinary supernatural powers. Within a week sha had become a certified super heroine and began to fight crime and criminal minds. Alas, one day Captain Slug outsmarted poor SanguineSpider and now the 2 ounces of decaying matter that were left of her after that encounter are in a jar in the same Bio Medical research laboratory where all started. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/410 "2003-12-06T02:02:50Z")
Alas, poor **Ale** – sat out on the bar, untouched, too long, and lost his/her head. I know it’s lame, but my blood sugar’s low. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/411 "2003-12-06T03:41:44Z")
EddyTeddyFreddy was more than fed up of her routine so in a fit of rebellious temper decides to make a tour around the world. One day while checking in at the Hilton in Ankhara, Turkey, the floor starts to tremble EARTHQUAKE! EddyTeddyFreddy runs in panick trying to find shelter, lost in the confusion enters the hotel empty nursery; the ceiling starts to crumble, dust, plaster, gaping cracks and a terrible turmoil, all turns black around EddyTeddyFreddy… Hours later EddyTeddyFreddy wakes up, her concience slowly reconstructing the last events, after a few moments of confussion EddyTeddyFreddy realizes two things, first she´s trapped, completely inmobilized by the ruble, EddyTeddyFreddy can´t move at all. Second, that there´s a TV set right in front of her face, a working TV set and DVD player stuck on “Repeat”, EddyTeddyFreddy quickly realizes her predicament, the movie has just begun, big colorful titles and cheerful music anounces “Barney meets the Teletubbies”. For five days the rescue teams follow EddyTeddyFreddy´s screams of horror; removing boulders, digging and digging trying to unearthen the woman whose tormentuous shrieks made the blood ran cold and frightned the rescuers search dogs. On the night of the sixth day the howls went silent. On the morning of the seventh day the rescue teams removed the last concrete slab and found EddyTeddyFreddy, still breathing, her pulse faint but stable; salive dripped slowly of the corner of her mouth as she stared with an abscent stare at the screen just a few inches of her face where Barney and the Teletubbies sang for the nth time a joyful song. Minutes after entering the hospital doctors declared her clinically dead, or as a doctor said, her brains looked like decomposed noodles, he had never seen something like that. A compasionate doctor now keeps her vegetative body as a coat hanger in his office. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/412 "2003-12-06T03:58:14Z")
😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 Oh, my!!! My ghost is laughing WAAYYYYY too hard to manage a death for you, **Ale**! I’ll leave it to someone else to do the honors. 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/413 "2003-12-06T04:08:23Z")
BWHHHHAA! As for **Ale** - most of us know how fun it is to attend those local Christmas parades. Also, we know how the stay the hell out of the way when the SpongeBob float goes by. Damn! That must have hurt! He’s not soft and spongy, after all. How DARE you bring up Barney and Telletubbies after I’d erased them from my brain (years of effort involved). Damn your eyes! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/414 "2003-12-06T04:24:27Z")
Egad, what a horrible way to go! Poor **Blonde** : Mistaken by Jerry Falwell for a Teletubby in disguise and shot down as dead as a dinosaur. A purple dinosaur. Her last words as she burbled her life away were “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy uurrrgggggkkkk.” ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/415 "2003-12-06T04:33:34Z")
Thank you, thank you so much; you´re a lovely audience 😃 _bows repeatedly_ ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/416 "2003-12-06T04:41:56Z")
**ETF** awoke one morning around 7 am - and heard a curious sound from her television: “BANANAS - in PAJAMAS, coming down the stairs…” She chose to strangle herself with the VHC tape from a Barney movie. It certainly wasn’t a pleasant sight, let me tell you. Ale, stick around - it only gets stranger. (if possible) ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/417 "2003-12-06T04:54:40Z")
Tough luck Blonde, you crossed the mailman one too many times, that ticking package you got in the mailbox was his way of expressing his feelings; the bright side is that the coroner was able to identify you by the ADN of a toe found on the bottom of the smoking crater. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/418 "2003-12-06T05:58:22Z")
The pub on the corner always had the finest of ales. It was a warm and welcome place for the locals, full of good humor and the tinking of glasses as folks made their happy toasts to one another. It had deep, dark wood paneling, and smelled of pipesmoke and hearty beer. It was a place for friends to go and relax, shoot some darts and share a moment of good will over a few pints. \*\* Ale\*\* had heard many sing the pub’s praises and he knew he had to check it out for himself. Not only did the tavern’s friendly atmosphere call to him but he did fancy himself a “connoisseur of the ale”. He followed the downward slope of the gentle hill, walking along the small, cobbled road until the pub on the corner came into sight 'round the bend. He smiled to himself and hurried his pace. Upon entering the door, the pub’s pleasant smell and the low but cheerful voices of its patrons, welcomed him inside and he took an empty stool at the bar. He ordered a light, amber ale to start and sat back to enjoy the ambience as he sipped from his glass. Three men were playing darts in the corner, cheerfully bantering between themselves and having a good ol’ time until a stray dart went awry and bonked **Ale** in the head. _BONK_ Immediately, the three fellows came over to see if **Ale** was alright and he assured them he was, it was really no bother. They apologized and went back to their game. **Ale** was enjoying his ale and life was good… everything he had heard about the pub was right so far. _BONK_ The dart careened off the back of his head and clattered to the floor as **Ale** wiped some ale of his sleeve. He had raised his glass for another sip just as the dart had struck. The three men rushed back over, embarrassed and humbled by this second offense, making a fuss over a possible injury but **Ale** was fine. He shooed them off and back to their game. He chuckled at their obvious chagrin and shook his head affably. He finished his amber ale and noted that it had been quite good but he wanted to see what else this fine pub had to offer. The burly man behind the bar suggested some various ales and **Ale** chose something darker this time. The place suited his mood, quiet but agreeable, dark and warm. The bartender slung the pint along the bar, a short slide over to **Ale** , who caught it easily, as if he’d done it a million times and they both chuckled. The pint was almost to his lips when a sharp pain drilled into his temple. The pint fell from splayed fingers, the glass shattering jaggedly on the floor, the ale flying through the air like drops of dark honeyed rain as **Ale** slumped over the bar heavily. The small crowd was silent, the dart-throwing men stunned and still. No one spoke a word. **Ale** stayed slumped, his lifeblood trickling down his cheek and onto the dark wood of the bar, beading gemlike on its slick surface. He died the way he’d hoped, doing something he truly enjoyed. His first choice would have been to kick the bucket during some raunchy, nasty, kinky round of sex _but_ this was almost as good… almost. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/419 "2003-12-06T13:30:15Z")
It was a snowy, blowy day, and **SanguineSpider** smiled as she settled down in her coziest chair, a laprobe snuggled warmly about her, and contemplated the books she’d been meaning to read some day. Well, the roads were already closed, she couldn’t get to work, and was stuck at home – what better time to indulge herself? As she raised her first cup of coffee to her lips, she stopped and frowned – she’d forgotten to put cream in it. Sighing, **SanguineSpider** got out of the comfy chair and went to the kitchen. There, alas, she discovered that she was completely out of cream, half and half, even skim milk (gak). But… but how could she enjoy her coffee without it? She _hated_ creamless coffee! Sighing again, she bundled herself up and headed for the nearest store. Alas, the roads were so bad that her car slid off into a ditch within two blocks. Cursing (genteelly, but cursing all the same), **SanguineSpider** struggled out and up to the deserted road. No one, not even a plow truck, passed by over the next ten minutes, and **SanguineSpider** was shivering. She thought about walking back home, but darn it, by now she really _needed_ that coffee! **SanguineSpider** remembered then that there was a convenience store just another three blocks away. Surely there’d be cream or at least milk there? She began trudging toward it. Behind her, she heard a faint grinding, clanking sound, but paid it no mind. It grew louder, though, and louder. She turned to see what it was – and leaped frantically for the sidewalk as the gigantic plow truck bore down on her! It passed within inches of her scrabbling boots. When **SanguineSpider** stopped shaking (other than from the cold) and slithered down to the street, she found the walking much easier in the plow’s wake. She almost lost her way when a snowburst engulfed her in a whiteout, but the squall passed iin a few minutes and she could see her way again. There, up ahead, was the convenience store – and its lights were on. The store was open! **SanguineSpider** hurried into the store and looked for the dairy case. There it was – cleaned out! All the neighbors had listened to the weather forecast and stocked up the evening before. There wasn’t even any artificial creamer (shudder) left on the shelves. With a shriek of despair, **SanguineSpider** turned and plodded out the door. The next nearest store was half a mile away, and with a sinking heart, she knew it would be useless to try. She turned for the long, miserable slog for home. And was run over by a horse-drawn sleigh being driven at a gallop by what looked like – surely it couldn’t be? – three huge orange cats. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/420 "2003-12-06T19:43:25Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** ’s attempt to destroy her neighbor’s house with a trechebuet was a strange idea in the first place, seeing as how she would have had to set it up a long distance away from her house in order for it to work. Using herself as the payload, however, was the truly foolish thing. They found her lodged in a tree in the next county. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=20) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=22)