# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 22
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/421 "2003-12-06T20:18:57Z")
Who could have guessed that the bungie cord could stretch so much? Governor Quinn returned home in a pizza box. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/422 "2003-12-06T20:44:21Z")
They said that no one would attempt to drink **Ale** , but someone did, and no there’s not a trace of him left. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/423 "2003-12-06T21:37:03Z")
**Governor Quinn** was fed up with pseudo-celebrities tarnishing the proud title of “governor.” It was bad enough with Jesse and his feather boa, but Arnold? Conan the Terminator as governor? The very idea made **Governor Quinn’s** blood boil and the veins in his forehead bulge. But what could he do about it? He pondered and mulled and even ratiocinated, until at last it hit him: The cement truck that barrelled through the red light as **Governor Quinn** , lost in thought, stepped into the street without looking both ways. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/424 "2003-12-06T21:57:31Z")
As **Governor Quinn** ’s secratary in charge of executions, **EddyTeddyFreddy** was in charge of putting citizens to death. Since the successful campaign by **SanguineSpider** to ban alcohol, it was her duty to hunt down and exterminate **Ale**. All of the bars and liquor stores had been shut, of course by the persistent and oddly provocative efforts of the “Liquor Tzar” **Blonde**. She had convinced virtually every male owner of a bar, liquor store, or private club to hand over their keys and follow her somewhere. Noon knew where, but we didn’t ask too many questions either. Even **pervert** who was usually most interested in such methods did not understand **Blonde** ’s. Of course, **EddyTeddyFreddy** had enlisted **Blonde** ’s help in tracking down **Ale**. But it was to no avail. He was apperently imune to her “charms”. **Governor Quinn** was getting most impatient. He was eager to completely enforce this new law to appease **SanguineSpider** and claim the “special reward” she had promised him if he could do it in a years time. He applied quite a bit of pressure to **EddyTeddyFreddy**. Reminding her that he had “made” her and he could “ruin” her. In desperation, **EddyTeddyFreddy** finally enlisted the help of her vast army of cats. They had successfully scoured (with their little pink tounges even) the entire town. They were closing in, and **Ale** was getting equally desperate. **EddyTeddyFreddy** was reporting all of this in a meeting were all concerned were listening. The grand conclusion where **Ale** was brought into the **Governor Quinn** ’s office in chains was only ruined by the giant jelly filled comet which struck the office at that moment. Luckily **pervert** ( **Governor Quinn** ’s office reporter) was able to record the whole thing before they all were consumed in a sticky, fruity, but wonderfully earthy death. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/425 "2003-12-06T22:04:39Z")
What’s the difference between a **pervert** and a gigantic Spongebob Squarepants balloon in the Macy’s parade? If you prick them, \*\*pervert will bleed and SS will fart, both with a loud squealing sound. Sticking a large butcher knife in both them will make the eruption more impressive. But you can’t patch the holes and pump the blood back into **pervert**. Spongebob Squarepants wins this encounter. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/426 "2003-12-07T02:23:11Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** lost the battle with the bold and sustained multiple fatal injuries. She died young and pretty though! Her viewing will be held next Wednesday at 12:00 pm, cameras will not be permitted. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/427 "2003-12-07T02:33:09Z")
Heh. Actually, they thought they could save me at the hospital, but when I went into cardiac arrest they screwed up calling the code on me. The crash cart really was. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/428 "2003-12-07T03:54:07Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** and **SanguineSpider** decided to go shopping for bucks to mount in their front lawn. Um… that they would erect… Let’s start over, shall we? Animated pre-lit reindeer, at Walmart, no less. **EddyTeddyFreddy** and **SanguineSpider** managed to survive Walmart Hell and purchased two animated pre-lit bucks (to mount in their front lawns this fine holiday season). It was a close call when the evil Walmart demon with glowing red eyes threw himself on the back of their car as they drove off - some clever zig-zagging by **ETF** threw him off the car in short order. Arriving at **ETF’s** house, she and **SSpider** eagerly opened their boxes. “Hmm, I see INSTRUCTIONS and TOOLS…what now?” said **EddyTeddyFreddy**. “Does this come in several pieces??” **SanguineSpider** wailed. They managed to put together the reindeer in a haphazard manner - but while attempting to plug it in, they mixed up the “male” and “female” plugs, with quite gruesome results. Merry X-mas! ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/429 "2003-12-07T04:27:36Z")
Blonde, next time you visit England remember that there they drive on the left… oh, never mind, there´s no “next time” for you. By the way, you left a good impression over there, specially on that double-decker. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/430 "2003-12-07T04:48:08Z")
**Ale** became pale, very pale, when the authorities confronted him with the incriminating memo. He stoutly defended his honesty, but in the bock of his mind he knew he couldn’t beer much more. He was barley able to function, his thoughts hopping in all directions. He wouldn’t wine, oh, no – but there was no way he could scotch the rumors any longer. With a rye smile, he decided, “I’m going tequila loser – myself!” And so he drowned his sorrows and ended it with a shot. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/431 "2003-12-07T05:28:03Z")
Awww… as much as I like being killed in such imaginative ways, I´d like to point that my name doesn´t have anything to do with alcoholic beverages; in fact last time alcohol touched my tender lips was the 28th of November of 1998 in Santiago de Chile, Chile; I sipped about 2 cubiv centimeters of white wine. By the way, EddyTeddyFreddy, if I were you I´d be very careful to avoid steamrollers this week, I´ve seen the future and seems that you´ll be losing a handfull of sizes. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/432 "2003-12-07T08:44:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by EddyTeddyFreddy \* > \*\*If you prick them, \*\*pervert will bleed and SS will fart, both with a loud squealing sound. \*\* And an amazing amount of fluid as well 😃 Such a large amount in fact that several people in close attendance of the experiment suffered extensive exposure. The exposure became prolonged as they each found out that the odious fluid was almost impossible to clean off. **EddyTeddyFreddy** was shunned by her cats. They could not stand the smell. She ended her days as a homeless cat-lady wannabe. **Governor Quinn** Was imediately impeached by the newly elected “olfactory tsar”. This office was created when the smell travelled across enough state line to support a constitutional ammendment to stop it. the officer was empowered to kill on smell any person exposing others to the smell (however brief) of **pervert** ’s odor. **Blonde** Was quite close indeed to the (shall we say) _point of penetration_ and so suffered the most agreegious exposure. She melted immediately. Witnesses later claimed she said plaintively \ **SanguineSpider** Was able to scuttle high enough up the wall of the room that she escaped exposure all together. However, as the only remaining survivor whom people could stand to be within 10 yards of, she was blamed for the whole mess and sent directly to death row on authority of the olfactory tsar. **Ale** Was relieved to discover that he would never be placed in any other persons mouth. Ever. Although he was now shunned, he was never very popular anyway, so it was not much of a burden on him. He spent the rest of his days trying to reconnect to the body of **pervert** , his one true love. I’m not at all sure why I went there at the end. This stream of consciousness thing can be dangerous. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/433 "2003-12-07T16:35:47Z")
**pervert** thought to himself, “This stream of consciousness thing can be dangerous.” How right he was! Especially when the stream, swollen to a raging torrent by the reading of [this item](http://users3.ev1.net/~jchiles/SenshiNoEisei/godawful/nauseating/oscarfics/a_lover.txt), drowned him iun a sea of images and thoughts so… so… well, _perverted_ that he never found his way back to reality again. He was discovered, slumped over his computer and partially decomposed, by the police who broke down his door on complaints of foul odors made by his neighbors. ---
**Author:** ![BellaDellaItalia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@BellaDellaItalia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellaDellaItalia)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/434 "2003-12-07T17:37:47Z")
**ETF** gets run over by one of those things that roll out the ice at hockey games. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/435 "2003-12-07T17:53:54Z")
Death by Zamboni? Ah, **BellaDellaItalia** , how appropriate, coming from you. 😛 You, my dear, meet your untimely end when you find yourself locked in an Italian pastry shop over a three-day weekend, with rack upon rack of ricotta pies and cannolis before you, and your willpower fails to hold you back. But what a sweet way to go! ---
**Author:** ![BellaDellaItalia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@BellaDellaItalia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellaDellaItalia)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/436 "2003-12-07T18:04:28Z")
Mmmm, cannoli. You had to say that word. Now I have to stop at the bakery on my way home from work and buy one. Or two. Or six. Go ahead and sterotype me, but I loooove those things. So, **ETF** , where exactly is Exurbia? Turns out it’s in Iraq. And you’re a Kurd. On the bright side, the toxic gas does wonders for that wet sheep smell. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/437 "2003-12-07T20:06:05Z")
_I know it´s not his turn… but I couldn´t resist_ Governonr Quinn peeked nervously through the curtains, a large angry mob of people bearing torches, pitch-forks and RPGs was pressing against the palace entrance door. It was not the fact that Governonr Quinn decided to spent two thirds of the city yearly budget on a 60 meter high statue of himself, neither that he brought down the Children´s Hospital because it was on the right place were he fancied to have his dign effigy stand; the mob was not screaming the end of his goverment because he sent the hospitalized child to work in the mines to extract the coal that was needed to melt all the church bells, candle holders and doorknobs of the city to obtain the brass for the magnanimous monument. What really freaked out the city was the exctruciatingly complicated and enormous clock mechanism within the statue that, at the stroke of each hour set giant gears into motion that raised the arm of the brass impersonation of Governor Quinn and gave the whole city the finger. After hanging, poisoning, shooting, impalling and burning him, his ashes were put inside small vials in commemorative “We roasted the bastard!” pins that were distributed among the participants of the gathering. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/438 "2003-12-07T20:45:26Z")
**Ale** finished the last line of his **Governor Quinn** demise. There! He’d created a masterly death! Smiling in satisfaction, he pushed his chair away from the keyboard, got up, and turned to go to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. That was when he saw the row of blowpipes trained upon him, each one being held by a small, naked, warpaint-bedecked child. Behind them stood a shadowy figure, also naked and daubed with paint, who raised an arm and, in utter silence, pointed at **Ale** fwoopfwoopfwoopfwoopfwoopfwoop… THUD Still in silence, the line of naked children turned and followed their leader out the door, out of the building, and into the waiting schoolbus, where they all resumed their normal apparel as their teacher said, “And now that we’ve studied that primitive ritual, let us turn in our books to chapter 3: The Conquistadors Arrive.” ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/439 "2003-12-08T03:42:26Z")
heh, that was a good one EddyTeddyFreddy _clap clap clap_ ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/440 "2003-12-08T04:13:18Z")
_clap_ isn’t a word you should use while visiting the best Little Whorehouse in Texas, **Ale** … No! Not the one who is the spitting image of Anna Nicole! Don’t do it! :::averts eyes::: \>\>squash\<\< For all the girls he’s loved before… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=21) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=23)