# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 23
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/441 "2003-12-08T04:22:28Z")
Ah, yes, **Blonde** ; speaking of whorehouses, your decision to go into that line of business as a madam seemed like such a good idea at first. Too bad you didn’t realize the house you opened was in Big Bruce’s territory. After all, a pimp with a name like “Bruce” has to go out of his way to prove he’s tough, eh? It really wasn’t the wisest business decision you ever made to refuse him a cut of your take, I’m afraid. Oh, well; at least the madam who succeeded you (and paid her percentage faithfully) appreciated how Big Bruce’s goons had managed to keep your blood from staining more than the red carpet in the entrance. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/442 "2003-12-08T04:27:33Z")
ouchie… Blonde thought she didn´t really need a technician to fix her microwave oven; she opened it, poked with the screwdriver a few gadgets, pulled some cables and moved some things that didn´t seem to be in the right place. Scientist are still trying to figure out what exactly happened, so far seems that inadvertedly Blonde rearranged the electronics of her oven and turned it into a particle acelerator. The only thing left of Blonde is a black silhouette of her holding a dish in the wall in front of the microwave. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/443 "2003-12-08T05:08:13Z")
**Ale** dried up after being left out for a week. We shall miss him and his lively deaths! ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/444 "2003-12-08T05:28:30Z")
Sanguine Spider get to the office one morning, and noticed that someone has found the pictures she kept on her desk drawer; THOSE pictures of THAT party… first she blushed, many eyes looked at her in disbelief, she started sweating; some co-workers mumbled “but she looked like a decent person”, she literally curled up and then disappeared in a puff of smoke. What a shame. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/445 "2003-12-08T06:46:25Z")
**Ale** , a gent from Uruguay Once killed a poster named **Blonde** ’ twas revenge soft and sweet for her earlier treat Which killed him with a roll in the hay! Blonde for her part was a tart, She ran whorehouses whose patrons loved to fart. She was heard to confess “It reduces the mess.” “When killed they fart less.” “But now you know too much to part” **SanguineSpider** , arachnid most calm, could kill previous posters with aplomb. She would slice them and dice them would not even think twice them when performing enemas with a bomb. There once was a girl from Exurbia Who’d say “I’ll soon kick to the curb ya!” Her executions were legendary as a killer she was ne’er sedentary Her propensity for murder was loonia. An Italian lass from New York, Once stabbed **ETF** ’s cat with a fork. She tried to compress his little heart She breathed for him but he failed at his part. Finally she stopped up the hole with a cork. **Governor Quinn** was a man from nowhere, He prided him self on his hair. He’d show of his “do” even though people would shoo For the hair he was proud of was “down there”. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/446 "2003-12-08T18:15:55Z")
Our **pervert** was proud of his plan To lim’rick’ly slaughter our clan But his plan was in vain And he blew out his brain 'Cause he couldn’t get his last line to scan. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/447 "2003-12-08T19:29:53Z")
That just _hurt_, folks. **ETF** , I wouldn’t wear _those_ high heels with _that_ dress… you’ll just DIE from the embarrassment! ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/448 "2003-12-08T22:09:16Z")
Wnat??? And you told me I looked stunning in those high heels when I borrowed them from you! Why, you backstabbing little arachnid! Here, lemme take these babies off and return them – _spiked_ right through your duplicitous little head! Take that! And that! And that! Bwa-hahahahahaha!!! ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/449 "2003-12-09T03:21:35Z")
EddyTeddyFreddy was found by the police when an alarmed neighbour heard SanguineSpider agonic screams; she was put to trial and found guilty of premeditately stabbing SanguineSpider 47 times with footwear EddyTeddyFreddy was sentenced to be executed by dipping her in honey and throwing her into a room filled with killer african ants. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/450 "2003-12-09T03:49:29Z")
**Ale** , it’s high time that you cleaned out that area underneath your bed. As you shine the flashlight underneath, you see pictures you meant to hang, extra blankets, numerous bottles of ale, and …oh! what’s this! Isn’t it cute? A little tiny… ))))much bloodshed(((( In those final seconds, **Ale** heard someone say “Sometimes, dead is bettah.” Quote compliments of Stephen King, who also said " Either get busy living or get busy dying!" ---
**Author:** ![Blaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/451 "2003-12-09T05:07:49Z")
**iii** ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/452 "2003-12-09T05:14:28Z")
That was my fault! My husband has now joined the SDMB, and I was attempting to show him how to bold. Take it easy on him, guys! ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/453 "2003-12-09T05:38:11Z")
**Blonde** and **Blaster** were having sex in the shower when his foot slipped and he fell… RIGHT ON TOP of her! **Blonde** was knocked down and hit her head on the edge of the tub rendering her unconscious but **Blaster** finished off anyway. She quietly drowned at the bottom of the tub and her headstone now proclaims this fact proudly: _She went happy!_ ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/454 "2003-12-09T09:08:46Z")
**SanguineSpider** having watched this from her perch on the roof of the couple’s bathroom laughed so hard she fell _in between_ the copulating couple. She was squished over and over and over and over and over. **Blaster** found the new sensation oddly tantilizing. Similar to _some_ of his 3 way fantasies, but different somehow also. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/455 "2003-12-09T13:58:47Z")
**pervert** watched the shower threesome, giggling lubriciously to himself and fantasizing he was making it a foursome. He was so intent upon the action that he failed to notice the huge, vicious Rottweiler that **Blonde** and **Blaster** had purchased just the day before, for protection from the tinfoil hat people who’d begun camping out on their front yard. \*\*pervert[/v] was beginning to drool and twitch when he heard an odd noise behind him. Reluctantly, he turned away to look over his shoulder – stright into the foam-dripping, mostrous-fanged jaws of the dog. I’ll give **Blaster** credit for concentration – he barely broke rhythm when the screaming began. By the time he was done, so was **pervert**. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/456 "2003-12-09T14:00:36Z")
**ETF** , meanwhile, quietly committed hara-kiri with a dull paperknife after yet another coding/typo disaster. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/457 "2003-12-10T03:24:20Z")
EddyTeddyFreddy crashed on a mountain while trying to be the first person to cross the Himalayas on a pedal powered blimp; after 3 weeks stranded on the snowy peaks she decided to sacrifice herself so her cats could survive eating her body; two days after that the remains of the blim and EddyTeddyFreddy were found by a group of Sherpas. The Sherpas ate the cats for dinner. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/458 "2003-12-10T03:49:54Z")
**Ale** died while reporting on the recent death of self propelled blimp world record setter **ETF** ’ recent death. He had successfully traveled to Tibet, Hired mercenary Sherpas, climbed to the crash site, photgraphed the human and feline remains, and returned home. The story practically wrote itself. Unfortunately, a power outage forced him to try and turn his story in on an old typewriter. He became infected from a bad batch of carbon paper and died days later while crossing the street. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/459 "2003-12-10T03:55:18Z")
**Ale** , while sitting in a pub, drinking a pint of…beer, suddenly choked on something. Ale stared around the pub as his face was turning blue. Since he was drinking as opposed to eating, no one thought of the heimlich. Ale was able to choke one word out before passing out… “Rats”. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/460 "2003-12-10T04:26:17Z")
Blaster decided to spend his holidays studying the mating habits of the llama; one foggy morning, in the heights of the Andes he lost sight of the path and wandered aimlessly for hours; it was already getting dark when he found some ancient rouins covered with vegetation, Blaster entered cautiously and followed a long, narrow passage, after 20 or 30 meters it opened into a large chamber, there, in the center lighted by a beam of sunlight stood a little mayan golden idol. Blaster felt his heart pumping, with great care approached the pedestal, after a quick examination of the figure he realized that it wsa a mayor discovery, the archeological implications where huge, and more than anything, he´ll be filthy rich after selling it on the black-market! With some hesitation Blaster removed the idol from the pedestal, he heard a faint “clic!” and suddenly low pitch tremor, a wall suddenly burst open and a enormous boulder came rolling towards him! Blaster ran as fast as he could towards the exit of the temple, the boulder rolling at his back, the light!, the light! at the end of the passage, he was almost there! Blaster jumped out of the passage just in time for the boulder to shoot out and down the mountain slope. Safe at last! he thought, until a stampede of llamas scared by all the noise ran him over. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=22) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=24)