# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 28
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2003, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/541 "2003-12-29T05:36:17Z")
_warning_ naughty post _warning_ _giggle_ **Blonde** got a very intimate gift for Christmas from her hubby. He was of the opinion that what was good for the goose, was gonna be VERY good for the gander this year. As **Blonde** opened her naughty present, she smiled slowly, lips curving upward in that sexy way her hubby loved so well. He _knew_ the gift was a hit! Later that evening, as Twilight pulled low Her dusky cloak, the happy couple grabbed the gift and headed for the bedroom. Hubby was expecting great tidings of joy from its use and **Blonde** was in agreement. She bent low, on hands and knees with much admiration from her happy hubby, and started to plug the “toy” into the outlet nearest the bed but got zapped instead! Hair on end, sparks playing prettily about her head, **Blonde** went quick… her naughty gift still in hand. The neighbors had a few hours of unexpected darkness that night. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2003, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/542 "2003-12-29T05:45:32Z")
**SanguineSpider** gleefully impervious to all warnings about flirting in the SDMB, decided to waltz her fine ass down to the local Victoria’s Secret. She ran into **pervert** there - and he seemed a little confused as to where one would find a demi-cup, size 34D. "Lookie - right in this drawer…AAGGGGHH!! My HAND!!" **SS** said. It turns out that 34D bras were all out of stock. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2004, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/543 "2004-01-01T05:30:41Z")
New Year’s Eve DEATH! **Bella** partied to bring in the new year - champagne, tinsel, confetti, and … oh. It’s not a good idea to stand directly below the descending ball in Times Square, you know. Happy New Year to all you Grim Reapers!! Best wishes for 2004, y’all. ---
**Author:** ![french\_frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c77e96/32.png) [@french\_frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/french_frog)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2004, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/544 "2004-01-01T13:35:23Z")
\*\* Blonde \*\* sipping Champagne and munching smoked salmon while typing on her computer the 01-01-2004 at 12:30 AM for her last post (Do I read 01-01-2004 12:30 AM???) suddenly realize that she missed the party, the fireworks and all. Damn. She grabbed some sugar in the kitchen, fertilizer in the garden shed and prepared her own fireworks. Unfortunately, while hammering down her mix in a plastic tubed rocket she ignited it and became the Lone shooting Star of Texas. The first of the year! Make a wish! Happy 2004! ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2004, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/545 "2004-01-01T13:43:28Z")
**french frog**. What a set of legs. Hubba-hubba. Tasted mighty fine as a New Year’s party snack. And a Happy New Year to all the creatively murderous denizens of the “Predict…” thread! ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/546 "2004-01-02T04:47:03Z")
Happy New Year, you wickedly entertaining bunch of scoundrels!! **ETF** drank some sparkling apple cider instead of real champagne, grabbing a miscellaneous bottle in her haste to make a New Year’s Eve toast at her informal gathering of family and friends she was hostessing at her residence. Bottle, not glass, as she had bought so much to drink that each guest could take and drink a whole entire bottle of either champagne or cider (for those who had to drive… **ETF** , ever the thoughtful hostess, always thought ahead) and still there’d be enough to party long into the wee hours of morn’. She hefted the bottle, chilled just right, and made her gracious toast… to the peace and prosperity of all her loved ones and closest friends for the coming New Year. Bottles all 'round raised to join hers and there were many festive _clinks_ to be heard. The television was tuned to Times Square, the ball was dropping- **3! 2! 1!** - and couples kissed, more bottles clinked merrily, and many “Happy New Year!” 's were happily exchanged. **ETF** drank deeply from her bottle of champagne and gasped as she realized her mistake! She turned the bottle so she could read the label and gasped again! Oh dear! Oh no! Alas! The label read **Sparkling Apple Cider** , not **Champagne** , and she gagged. _APPLE CIDER_! Oh no! Oh dear! Alas! The one thing she was deathly allergic too and had made sure _wink wink_ she couldn’t grab in haste to make a toast. Well, she did. This year’s not gonna be the same without her, nosiree… ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/547 "2004-01-02T05:55:25Z")
**SanguineSpider** was confident that 2004 was going to be her year! Love and riches would surround her, the horoscope said. In the dying embers of 2003, there appeared a tiny elf. He wanted to touch **SS** - oh, how he had pined, day after day -just one kiss…one touch from **SanguineSpider**. **Sanguine Spider** ran to the little elf’s rescue - and granted him his wish. He would have spared her life if she hadn’t said “Are you in…” ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/548 "2004-01-02T06:29:25Z")
**Blonde** was eaten by a large, asthmatic rhino that mistook her for a big pile of Purina Rhino Chow. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/549 "2004-01-02T16:44:35Z")
**Michael Ellis** had been sensible on New Year’s Eve. No loud, overcrowded parties with boisterous yammering fools; no perilous drives home among the drunks and druggies who’d partied too hearty. Nope, for him it was a quiet, reflective evening, with a simple yet elegant and delicious meal, a moderate amount of fine wine, and stimulating conversation with a few like-minded intimates. He awoke, refreshed and clearheaded, on New Year’s Day, just as dawn was breaking, and went out for a peaceful, contemplative walk. WHAM! I guess **Question** was [too busy pondering the oneness of all](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=232643) to see **Michael Ellis** crossing the road. ---
**Author:** ![alterego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@alterego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alterego)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/550 "2004-01-02T17:10:22Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** spasmatically shoved a giant pancake up his right nostril thereby forcing his brain matter out his left nostril. Not being dead yet, he took it upon his newly found flapjack-like brain to eat his recent nostril excrement in the hopes of regaining his wit and wisdom. Unfortunately, he choked on his frontal lobes just as a giant alligator bit him in the ass, and keeled over stiff as a board into a giant vat of bile. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/551 "2004-01-02T20:30:48Z")
**alterego** committed hara-kiri with a rusty can opener when s/he discovered that **EddyTeddyFreddy** was FEMALE. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![alterego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@alterego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alterego)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/552 "2004-01-02T21:00:00Z")
Upon seeing alterego’s bowels spilt upon the ground, **EddyTeddyFreddy** became instilled with the hunger of a thousand lions; the sort of thing that can only be satiated by a can of Campbell’s soup. Pragmatic as she is, she hastened to reuse his can opener, not forgetting to bestow him with a forgiving kiss on the cheek on her way up, and became infected with the E. Coli bacteria from his small intestines, and subsequently died on top of him in typical Romeo and Juliet style. 😃 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/553 "2004-01-02T22:38:30Z")
**alterego,** we have, behind door #2, a **very** special death in store for you. The bad news: you’ll have to work late on February 9, 2004. The good news: that fine administrative assistant (you know, the one with the big…eyes) will be staying on to help you, um, collate documents. The bad news: it turns out that she was hiding a very BIG secret, and you end up throwing yourself out the 10th floor window of your office building. Splat! This would be your penance for mistaking Ms. EddyTeddyFreddy for a man. BWHAHAHAHA! ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/554 "2004-01-02T23:25:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blonde \* > \*\ ***SanguineSpider** was confident that 2004 was going to be her year! Love and riches would surround her, the horoscope said. > > In the dying embers of 2003, there appeared a tiny elf. He wanted to touch **SS** - oh, how he had pined, day after day -just one kiss…one touch from **SanguineSpider**. > > **Sanguine Spider** ran to the little elf’s rescue - and granted him his wish. He would have spared her life if she hadn’t said “Are you in…” \*\* 😕 Huh? Mind finishing the question because I’m brain dead from shopping all day. Sorry… ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/555 "2004-01-02T23:54:25Z")
Are you in … yet? See, it’s an elf, and elves are tiny. Got it now, cowgirl? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tunabreath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tunabreath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tunabreath)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/556 "2004-01-03T01:16:16Z")
Huh? ---
**Author:** ![tunabreath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tunabreath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tunabreath)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/557 "2004-01-03T01:17:25Z")
4/12/2041 about 7 AM ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/558 "2004-01-03T02:04:24Z")
For the female to ask “are you in yet?” of the male is an implied aspersion on his package size. I imagine anyone who has ever heard it would get upset. Especially if they were short as well. If they were mythological creatures, they might come up with a nasty way to cause demise. I can’t beleive you made me explain that. And I’m sorry about the pun. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/559 "2004-01-03T03:10:20Z")
Oh, my - well, I TRIED to post the “in” reference in rather - um, subtle terms, as required by the forum rules. 😃 **pervert** - despite your cleverness, you’ll be struck down by a random asteroid next week. To add insult to injury, you were just about to jump in your outdoor hot tub with the Playmate of the month, and she was just thrilled about the package. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/560 "2004-01-03T03:58:48Z")
February 9th? That’s my birthday! 😃 So **alterego** can’t be killed off then; he has to join you all in helping me to celebrate the achievement of the Double Nickel natal anniversary! Of course, it’ll be such a smashing success that **Blonde, alterego, SanguineSpider, pervert** , yes, and even **tunabreath** won’t notice till it’s too late the earthquake that flattens the dance hall and entombs them all. Only **ETF** survives to tell the tale. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=27) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=29)