# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 36
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2004, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/701 "2004-02-26T06:39:34Z")
**SanguineSpider** , my little 8, um, 10, 12? legged friend. I spared you in the Valentine’s Day card exchange, did I not? I would imagine you felt that you had dodged death when you opened my card and didn’t feel the anthrax seep into your lungs, didn’t you? You must have breathed a sigh of relief and turned to the other cards, your heart still pounding wildly. Oh, it’s not I you would have to fear: as it turns out, so many Dopers, in a frenzied attempt to gain your heart, sent cards to your house that your friendly postal worker…went postal. You fit quite nicely in your mailbox, albeit chopped into teeny tiny pieces. > [@](#): > > **BellaDellaItalia** > Don’t you know the rules of the Death thread? > > a. Don’t kill cats > b. Don’t mistake ETF for a guy. > c. Don’t touch Blonde’s hair. All hail **Bella!** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyMensch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@MonkeyMensch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMensch)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2004, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/702 "2004-02-26T07:18:55Z")
**B** y the roadside, and its turning, **L** ost and weeping, soul a’churning **O** ne day I did chance to see **N** one other than the woman: SHE! **D** ead was _BLONDE_ (My soul was yearning!) **E** ven though she still was burning… ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2004, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/703 "2004-02-26T13:47:14Z")
MonkeyMensches are curious and sly Overhead in the trees swinging by Now, it wouldn’t be fair Keeping them in the air EEEEEK! One fell and – alas! He did die. You would think all the others would learn Mind your handholds! To ground do you yearn? Eh, who said they were bright? Now one more’s taken flight SPLAT! Oh, dear – lying dead in the ferns. Carry on, now, my friend; Here’s the tag line: THE END. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/704 "2004-02-27T05:17:10Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** danced in twilight charmed by the string and brass voices with ease glided and skimmed left and right untill by midnight the bells swung their… the bells… the… ehh… 😕 Oh, f **k this s** t!! _Draws handgun_ BLAM! BLAM!-Die bastard die!!! BLAM! Ahhh… _sigh_, much better. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![skynatasha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@skynatasha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skynatasha)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/705 "2004-02-27T05:57:45Z")
Pretty snow,bloody and dead…rotting at the foot of the long long bed Ale’s snowy flesh is rotting,decaying and dead,I suppose it sat to long under the long long bed Ale’s snow white fingers claw my head, Ale tries to flee from the long long bed Ale cannot escape!Ale’s life is doomed!on the long long bed Ale lies…entombed. Ale screams, and cries, no help arrives! on the long long bed Ale is no longer alive. hehehe…_grins_ ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/706 "2004-02-28T05:27:07Z")
**skynatasha** smiled nervously. It was her first day on the job, opening night in a new town, and she and her partner had had precious little practice. But he was an old pro at this; he’d never missed his mark she’d been told by the other performers. Sammy (or Dirk Nevermiss, his stage name) barked out a command at her from his table, and she raised her arms, clothes puffed out to make his target easier to hit. He turned to the audience and fanned out several sharp knives, then kicked up a balloon and flipped one of the daggers at it. A loud _POP_ made the kids in the audience squeal. Holding the daggers in one hand, he flipped them deftly to his free hand and threw four in rapid succession, pinning her sleeves and pants to the large wooden board behind her. The audience cheered and shouted for more daring throws. He whirled around, each time when he faced her he let loose another knife. Just above her head, between her legs, and on either side of her torso. The last one she could feel the cold blade touching her skin. He picked several larger knives from the table, twitching slightly as he reached for them. He dropped one, looked confused, then bent down to pick it up. He turned to the audience and explained his next trick… he would throw the knives while facing away from her. He stuttered strangely, but finished his speech and turned his back to her. He flipped one knife at her, and spasmed mid-throw. The knife hurtled toward her, and she realized that it would not miss. Stuck as she was, she couldn’t move to either side, and the sharp metal blade pierced her belly, easily going all the way through her and sticking to the wood. She gasped, but before she could make a sound, the next one came at her, higher this time. The blade stuck in her right shoulder, and she screamed. The audience thought it was part of the act, and cheered wildly. The next knife stuck in her left thigh, and she screamed and begged for Sammy to stop. He threw his final knife, twitching uncontrollably throughout the throw, and it embedded itself in her lower arm, quivering as it came to rest between her bones. She was going into shock, gasping for breath, and unable to speak or shout anything. Dirk Nevermiss, always one to finish the show under any circumstances, drunkenly picked up his finale piece, a ruthless looking double-bladed battleaxe. He staggered as he turned, took one step forward and hurled it at her from over his head. She stared in disbelief as it slowly came at her, end over end. She could hear the _whoosh_ of the handle as it whistled through the air. The axe landed squarely in her face, cleaving it in two. The audience gasped, then loudly proclaimed their appreciation for Dirk Nevermiss’s performance. Dirk, however, had fallen to the floor, frothing at the mouth and spasming out of control. Stage hands rushed out now, realizing that this was not a new act of his, but an epileptic seizure at the worst possible time. **skynatasha** ’s body slumped, blood soaking the floor around her, clothes tearing where they were held by her first and only instruments of entertainment. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/707 "2004-02-28T16:31:25Z")
He was being pursued again! Holy Jesus, would _they_ never stop!?? All day and night, **Horseflesh** was tormented by the Quizno’s spongemonkey rodents. Singing rodents with their CRAZY eyes and wonky teeth, singing out the jingle in gravelly voices. OH GOD! There was no relief! _“We love the subs! 'Cuz they are good to us!”_ He heard the horrid things even in his deepest sleep! He woke up fifty plus times a night thinking the voices were ever louder, ever _closer_. They… were… COMING! After a month of this panicked state, **Horseflesh** , crazy with lost sleep and the loss of his job (due to his fanatical ravings to other co-workers and his unkempt, unshowered body with the funny cheese smell), he knew it was time to take serious action. Yes, today he would do it! The voices were still singing, the rodents still playing their song. **Horseflesh** took a letter opener shaped like Frodo’s sword Sting and jammed it into his left ear! OOOOOH, the _pain_! His brain felt like it was on fire but he had to do the right ear to gain peace and quiet, and so he did. Plunging the tiny but still sharp “Sting” into his right ear, the world turned RED with pure agony! His head felt as if it was being boiled in molton lava, such was the intense and horrid pain! Oh God! His ears throbbed and bled, blood seeping down the sides of his neck copiously. Oh God, did it _HURT_! He laid his head down on the table, willing the pain to end but it did not. The blood stopped flowing after a few hours but by then, **Horseflesh** was beyond caring about any stupid, singing, wonky-toothed rodents. Thanks, Quizno’s… you killed my friend. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/708 "2004-02-29T02:44:34Z")
You must understand this, we’ve watched you for so long That we feel we know you, and your death can’t be wrong If we just get together, we want to make you see We’re dreaming of **Sanguine’s** death tonight, So mamma let it it be. We don’t wanna hurt you, We want to make you high, But that hairdryer shouldn’t be right by… Your bathtub tonight. We’ll show you sweet delight. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/709 "2004-02-29T03:11:10Z")
**Blonde** is hurrying toward the theater, through the pouring rain. She doesn’t really want to see _The Passion of the Christ_, but her best friend is determined to go, and has begged for **Blonde’s** company. They get in line and squeeze under what little shelter they can find as they inch their way toward the ticket booth. **Blonde’s** teeth have begun to chatter from the cold, relentless rain as they near the doors. She takes a step, slips on a discarded McDonald’s wrapper, and flails wildly to keep her balance. A tall, heavyset woman catches her as she is about to fall, and in a gruff but kindly voice says, “Oh, you poor child! Here, let me comfort you!” The woman clasps **Blonde** firmly to her ample bosom. Alas, that bosom is bristling with a necklace of _Passion of the Christ_ souvenir silver nails. One nail, sharper than it should be but missed by quality control, stabs into **Blonde’s** carotid artery. Even as **Blonde** cries out with the pain and struggles to free herself, the woman murmers, “There, there! I know you’re upset, dearie; let mama hold you till you feel better,” and tightens her grip. By the time **Blonde’s** blood has soaked through the woman’s coat and she realizes something’s amiss, **Blonde** has slumped, lifeless, in her arms. :: sigh :: I told you to stay away from the movie if you hate violence. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/710 "2004-02-29T03:16:58Z")
There was a cute Texan named Blonde Who liked to go swim in the pond. She swam all around Til a boat ran her down Now the bottom’s her home, ain’t that grande? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/711 "2004-02-29T04:14:18Z")
Ohhhhh, multiple deaths! ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/712 "2004-02-29T04:33:51Z")
> [@Blonde](#): > > Ohhhhh, multiple deaths! One for every golden strand that adorns your soon-to-leave-its-neck head, my dear. [insert evil grin] Meanwhile, back at the thread, **Q.E.D.** has just sent off another post, feeling pleased at its cleverness. Then, as it appears on the screen, the awful truth is apparent. With the default reset to no sig, once again the immortal words – “I’ve got a plan so cunning you can put a tail on it and call it a weasel.” – Edmund Blackadder – are missing! With a cry of mingled rage and despair, **Q.E.D.** hurls a passing cat at the monitor. The cat bounces off, unharmed, lands on **Q.E.D.'s** face, claws thrashing, and bolts under the couch. **Q.E.D.** shrieks and bolts out of the room, falls down the stairs into the basement, slams headfirst against the foundation wall, and is knocked unconscious. As **Q.E.D.** lies there, from out of the cracks in the foundation ooze legions of tailless weasels, bent on revenge for the stealing of their appendages to be tacked onto a silly plot. One dreadful screech, cut short, ululates from the basement. Then all is silence but for the sound of steady munching… ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/713 "2004-02-29T05:06:17Z")
Today, **Q.E.D.** while wandering in the General Questions forum will de atracted for a particularly atypical question, he´ll go through his vast enciclopedic memory searching for an answer, he is has a vage memory of what it could be, but he´s not sure, he has to find a corroboration; after a few minutes decides to search in Google, but to no avail. Q.E.D by now has spent 6 hours looking for the answer, he MUST find a cite; such a trivial piece of knowledge cannot escape his inquisitive mind for too long. All weekend **Q.E.D** will frantically search on the web, read one book after the other of his well provided collection, large piles of magazines and scientifical publications will start to pile by his desk On Monday morning, after two days of sleep deprivation Q.E.D rushes to the local library, there he´ll find the answer, all weekend the question has reminded unanswered, all the doper community seems confused and clueless about it; even Cecil Adams and his acolytes mantain an ominous silence. **Q.E.D.** is the first one to enter the vault of knowledge, the librarian has not yet arrived, but that won´t stop him, the janitor knows him well and lets **Q.E.D.** enter to check the shelves himself; 8 hours later **Q.E.D.** is still eagerly browsing book after book, a huge quantity of books has piled up behind him. At last, just as the janitor was urging him for the nth time to leave it untill tomorrow **Q.E.D.** finds his cite in an ancient and arcane tome, he was right!, he knew the answer all the time! **Q.E.D.** leaped with the intend to rush to his computer and post the longed-for answer, but with his sudden movement Q.E.D. bumped the book pile behind him, the volumes began to lean towards him and before he could get out of the way two metric tons of books fell over him. Meanwhile the original question remained unanswered in the SDMB, after a few months, and seeing how that sore mark was slowly eroding the boards confidence and Cecil´s image, the moderators deleted it and all trace of its existance, all posters that had seen it where banned, and it´s said that the OP was kidnaped from his home by men arriving on a black helicopter. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/714 "2004-02-29T05:18:34Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** was assassinated by a fellow doper who admires her ability to get her intelligent points across without leaving bite marks on those with whom she disagrees. Her assassin, a crusading do-gooder of the infamous \*Freedom and Tolerance Cult[/i, killed her with kindness in order to be reincarnated as the wonderous Doper Supreme. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/715 "2004-02-29T23:40:16Z")
**Zoe** and **EddyTeddyFreddy** met in their local Starbucks and whipped out their laptops to post to the SDMB on March 20, 2005. After hours of rescuing evil posters from themselves, **Zoe** excused herself to run to the ladies room. As she sauntered off… she glanced back, and thought she saw **ETF** laughing softly to herself. As she entered the restroom stall, **Zoe** felt an unusual sensation of danger – unfortunately, her instincts took over only one split second before **ETF** drove the dagger into her heart, screaming “Doper Supreme? There can only be **ONE** , you silly girl!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![french\_frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c77e96/32.png) [@french\_frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/french_frog)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2004, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/716 "2004-03-02T22:02:28Z")
\*\* Blonde \*\* was blowing all the birthday candles on her nice 3 layers birthday cake. Red, white and Blue, cake and candles where twirling as \*\* Blonde\*\* fighted to blow all those (numerous? :D) candles all at once to fullfill the big wish she made and she craved for. Bending over the cake and candles her gaze met tiny lettering on the candles, and while dutyfully trying to blow all the flames, she could read : “Nobel Tiny Sticks© - Wicked Secure Wick - US Patent #5879-65”. Happy Boomsday ! ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/717 "2004-03-03T02:25:20Z")
**french frog** was fed up (HA!) with all the demises that referred to Frenchness, or frogness, and most assuredly French-fried frogness. So it was with a sense of relief and even gratitude that he gazed upon the large orange cat advancing toward him with a roaring chainsaw in its paws. At last – a bloody, dramatic dance of death, not a flash in the pan shuffle off this mortal coil! **french frog** figured he might as well make it interesting, so he snatched up a Klingon battleax that just happened to be lying around and charged at the fatal feline. Ax and chainsaw met with a hideous scream of tortured metal – then, in a shrieking burst of shrapnel, the chainsaw’s belts broke and its teeth flew in all directions, even as the battleax shattered into dozens of lethal shooting slivers. **french frog** howled as the flying doom sleeted through his writhing body. The impact flung him back agaisnt the wall, where he slowly slumped into a bloody puddle on the floor. As his eyes closed for the last time, dimly he saw a large orange cat lick its rumpled fur back to sleekness, and heard it murmur “That makes, ah, four, I think. Five more to go…” ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/718 "2004-03-05T04:46:28Z")
When **ETF** is at the end of time, And Peter is sitting in state, He will smile on the three old spirits, But call her first through the gate. For the good are always the merry, Save by an evil chance, And the merry love the fiddle And the Grim Reaper loves to dance; And when the Doper folks spy her, They will all gather 'round, you see, With a joyful yell: “Here is EddyTeddyFreddy!” And dance like a wave of the sea. Happy St. Pat’s Day, a little early, Ms. ETF! We’ll make sure that casket is covered with three-leaf clovers. Thanks for the b-day greeting, French Frog. And, for all you others that have killed me - watch out! ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/719 "2004-03-05T05:09:47Z")
:: sniff :: Why, **Blonde** , that was… beautiful! [sniff] I’m so moved, I could cry! :: sob :: :: tears pouring :: :: tears fountaining :: :: massive tidal wave of tears sweeps **Blonde** over edge of convenient cliff :: It’s your birthday? Happy happy happy! Just for that, I declare that you are snatched from the jaws of death (in the form of jagged spires of rock at the base of the cliff) by a passing Roc, who carries you off to be the Favored One in the harem of a handsome Prince of Araby, where you are cossetted and pampered and loved to death! ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/720 "2004-03-05T05:56:41Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > It’s your birthday? Happy happy happy! Just for that, I declare that you are snatched from the jaws of death (in the form of jagged spires of rock at the base of the cliff) by a passing Roc, who carries you off to be the Favored One in the harem of a handsome Prince of Araby, where you are cossetted and pampered and loved to death! Seeing as how it was the big 40, I’d like to request 2 Princes! 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=35) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=37)