# Predict the Death of the Previous Poster **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480 "2003-11-10T21:51:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/101 "2003-11-12T13:02:34Z")
Neither do I, **Bosda**. Speakig of which: **Bosda** owed the Mob $45,000 in gambling debts. He had been in a state of default for a long time, and now, two mobsters, Tony “The Brisket” Brezewski and Walt “The Malt” Mallini, were outside his door, planning to bash his teeth in. To get away from them, he leaped out of a back window. Fortunately, it took a few minutes before they realized what he had done. After several hours of being chased (on foot and in motor vehicles), **Bosda** grew tired of running. Then, he saw his chance: the subway system. He jumped a turnstile and ran, followed by the two mobsters. Having reached the platform, he noticed 1) a train was coming, and 2) that there was a platform on the other side. He then leaped, hoping to soar like an eagle to the other side. Sadly, he mistimed his leap by a second, and flew right into the subway train. To this day, Train #321 won’t get completely clean. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/102 "2003-11-12T13:03:48Z")
Poor **Bosda** – his reading skills had deteriorated so far recently (not to mention his eyesight) that he didn’t notice certain details – like that it was **Governor Quinn** who was YEEHAW-ing as he stole **Bosda’s** car. Thus it was that our hero, out for his morning constitutional, strolled right past the large flashing sign "_BRIDGE OVER MOAT CLOSED - BEWARE OF CROCODILES"_ and took that one last fateful step… ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/103 "2003-11-12T13:06:23Z")
Why is it that everyone in this thread has me confused with the player character in _Grand Theft Auto_? :dubious: 😕 ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/104 "2003-11-12T20:00:42Z")
**Governor Qiunn** and **Bosda** decide they should hold a meeting to discuss the distressing tendency of certain Dopers to accuse them of patently untrue behavior. After all, a man has to take a stand for his honor somewhere! After much debate over the best location, they decide they’re going to Disneyland. They meet at the gate, buy their tickets, and enter. Having purchased ice cream cones to disguise the serious nature of this meeting, they stroll about among the happy throngs, examining the current contretemps and proposing various ways of resolving it. They’ve just reached agreement on a plan of attack when **ETF** , who happens to be spending a day of fun at the park with **Horseflesh** and **nocturnal\_tick** ,\* spots the ice cream cones, neglected in the heat of debate and now dripping melt-droplets. Overcome with an irresistible urge for vanilla dribbles, **ETF** lunges for the cones. Just as she reaches them, a nearby Goofy, atavistic impulses triggered by the sight of a cat flying past him, lunges at **ETF** , barking wildly. The two collide and smash into **Bosda** and **Governor Quinn** , knocking them under the wheels of the Magic Mountain ride, where they are horribly mangled. They’re still alive as they’re pulled from the scene of the carnage, but since Disneyland policy is to have ambulances come to the back of the park, at a normal driving rate (don’t want to spook the other patrons, you know – very bad for the image), and the two casualties are at the other end, by the time medical assistance arrives, they have passed on to that great Fantasyland in the sky. And the cones got trampled into the pavement in all the confusion, so **ETF** never got her ice cream after all. \ ***Vlad Dracul** couldn’t be there, alas – daylight and all that, you know. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/105 "2003-11-12T20:56:48Z")
**ETF** grabs the wrong beer bottle at a party. Chokes to death on a soggy cigarette butt from therein. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/106 "2003-11-12T21:36:57Z")
Joe had been working at the crayon factory for too long now. He was growing tired of the teasing, the harassment, and the whispered comments behind his back. To think it took just one secretary stumbling across his furry fansite, and now everybody thinks he’s a freak. They just don’t understand, thinks Joe. No one knows what I go through- living in this body, denying my true nature to work in this miserable place pouring wax all day. As he poured the hot wax into the molds for the umpteenth time, an idea crossed his mind. “I’ll get them now,” he muttered to himself as he reached for the cleaning solution with the poison markings on the label. He opened the bottle, and added the contents to the molds… …much later, **Eats\_Crayons** opened a new box while contemplating a new drawing. Frowning at the page, the artist absently chewed on one of the new crayons. “This tastes funny,” \*\*Eats\_Crayons \*\*mused as conscousness faded… ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/107 "2003-11-12T21:51:00Z")
For the first time in his career, the Coroner returns the little-used verdict of _Total Fucking Stupidity_ - as if it wasn’t enough to drink six pints of nitroglycerin on a dare, **Steelerphan** chased it down with a quart of prune juice. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/108 "2003-11-12T21:53:09Z")
Odd… it doesn’ t _taste_ like “Carnation Pink”… _thunk_ ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/109 "2003-11-13T00:02:04Z")
Most people die quietly and peacefully in their beds, rather than being torn, screaming, in to small pieces by a gang of rampaging killer cyborgs. **Eats\_Crayons** Was not like most people. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/110 "2003-11-13T00:41:57Z")
Is it next Thursday yet? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/111 "2003-11-13T00:42:48Z")
Wait, I can’t be killed by poisonous crayons _and_ rampaging cyborgs, can I? No fair! Man, I must have more lives than a cat! And **Mangetout** you meet your nemesis from the universe of the evil Captain Kirk. His name is Gourmand! He has the evil goatee that denotes “evil”. Onlly one can survive in this universe. You don’t. But the rest of us don’t even notice. ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/112 "2003-11-13T01:30:27Z")
**Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** could hardly contain his excitement. He had found a secret entrance for one of the steam tunnels at the university which lead to the Biomedical Research Facility (BaRF) - not to be confused with Bass’s Anthropological Research Facility (BARF, a.k.a. the Body Farm) at UTK. Not content to hold this knowledge to himself, he rounds up a group of friends one cold December night in 2030 to set out on an adventure. “The students are on holiday now,” he explains, “so we can get into the BaRF and check out all the freaky experiments they do there.” “We’re 200 miles from the university, Bosda, and none of us have cars. How will we get there?” asked **Governor Quinn**. **Bosda** just smiled and patted the Keltec pistol he had concealed in his ankle holster. “Quinn, Quinn, Quinn. We’ll _persuade_ someone to let us borrow their car. Haven’t you ever played _Grand Theft Auto_?” Soon, **EddyTeddyFreddy** came strutting in, followed by **Blonde** , **Eats\_Crayons** , **Steelerphan** , and **Mangetout** , each dressed in their best infiltration black. **ETF** had the rope and grappling hook, which **Blonde** quickly snatched away from her, shouting “The rope is NOT a play toy, ETF. Bad kitty!” **Bosda** filled the gang in on the plans, showed them all blueprints and maps, and made sure everyone was prepared with radio communication. In single file, they headed out to find transportation. It wasn’t long before **ETF** had commandeered a nicely equipped 15-passenger church van from an elderly couple. **Bosda** was quite appalled that he didn’t get to use his brute force, but no matter, the group was underway and that’s what counted. Two hours later ( **Steelerphan** has a lead … err … _steel_ foot), they arrive at the loading dock behind the campus library. Right smack in the middle of the light shone by the headlamps, there is a crack in the wall. A nice, clean, uniform crack. **Bosda** jumps out, inserts a metal bar shaped like a ‘T’, turns it 90 degrees, clips on a rope, and attaches that to the van bumper. He gives **Steelerphan** the signal to back up, and voila, the crack is actually just a gap between two giant, secret (formerly, anyway) doors into a main steam tunnel. The gang cheers wildly for a few minutes before regaining their composure. **Bosda** , the self-declared team leader, sets up a lookout team who will remain outside and monitor the campus security radio traffic to warn the infiltration team of impending dangers. **Eats\_Crayons** is glad to get this duty because he/she is suffering from severe gastric disturbances from eating too much wax, and could use the relative inactivity to rest. **Steelerphan** , however, is not so excited about not getting to frolic around in the steam tunnels, but reluctantly agrees to lookout duty. Fifteen minutes later, **Bosda** , **Quinn** , **ETF** , **Blonde** , and **Mangetout** are nearing the BaRF. Suddenly, they hear a _BOOM_ over the radios, then static. They’ve lost all communication with the lookout team. What everyone failed to realize is that the van was equipped with an explosive device for use in case of a carjacking. When the police were unable to track it down, the elderly couple authorized destruction of the van, and poor **Eats\_Crayons** and **Steelerphan** were blown to little bits outside the library. **Bosda** quickly dispatches **Mangetout** to the scene to investigate, but upon his exit from the tunnel, **Mangetout** is shot a total of 160 times by the S.W.A.T. team that converged on the campus after being informed of the explosion. Actually 159 of those shots were wasted as the S.W.A.T. sniper had put his first round squarely between **Mangetout** ’s eyes, blowing brain chunks and the back of his skull some thirty feet back inside the tunnel. The remaining infiltration team made it inside the BaRF. **ETF** hears the soft ‘mewing’ of kittens in the distance, and wonders what horrible experiments they are subjected to. The ‘mews’ get louder as the team wanders down the hallway, when, suddenly, there is a horrible kitty scream. **ETF** is nearly brought to tears by this sound, and the team vows vengeance on whoever is torturing kitties. They follow the sound further and see a light on in one of the laboratories. Carefully, **Bosda** peers into the room, but he sees no one. He does notice, however, that there is a door in darkness on the other side of the room. He motions to the team to follow him and makes his way further down the hallway. Just as the hallway turns the corner, **Bosda** halts the team and says “I’ll scout the area briefly, then come back for you guys.” He disappears around the corner, and is gone for a solid ten minutes. **Bosda** comes back with a look of excitement on his face. “Oh, you guys have GOT to see this! It’s the most bizzarre thing!” They all follow him around the corner to find a huge glass tube with **peritrochoid** floating inside. There are so many tubes and wires coming out of him, and the fluid he’s immersed in has an odd bluish cast to it. The general consensus is that he’s dead and they’re just preserving the body for some reason, but **Blonde** swears on her life that **peritrochoid** just gave her a thumbs-up. **Bosda** is quick to divert the attention to the door behind them. The very same door they saw from the other side of the laboratory. Peering through, they see none other than **UncleBeer** squishing kitties to hear the funny sounds they make! **ETF** yells in fury, and **Quinn** tries to quiet her, but it’s too late. **UncleBeer** has been alerted to their presence, and he storms out the other door of the laboratory. This cues **ETF** and **Blonde** to enter the lab and free the kittens, but they didn’t notice the biohazard placards all over the place. These kittens are bred to be rabid and still maintain a normal lifespan. Both **ETF** and **Blonde** are bitten and clawed to death by 400 rabid kittens. Meanwhile, **Bosda** and **Quinn** are still out in the hall, mortified at the gruesome scene before them. So mortified, in fact, that they don’t notice **UncleBeer** sneaking up behind them with a samurai sword. They see two quick flashes of light from the reflections on the sword, and their heads fall to the floor, rolling down the hallway like lumpy basketballs. **UncleBeer** , in a display of machismo, swings the sword around a few times, but accidentally gets too close to the glass housing **peritrochoid**. _CRAAAAAAAAAACK!_ _SPLOOOOSH!_ The hallway is filled with the blue liquid. **UncleBeer** realizes he can’t swim and panics. Not that it would matter anyway. It seems that **peritrochoid** ’s body was uniquely adapted to survival in one of the world’s strongest acids. The instant **UncleBeer** comes in contact with the vile blue fluid, he is dissolved into a bloody paste. The End. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/113 "2003-11-13T02:00:30Z")
**peritrochoid** gets The Curse Of The Seven White Geese put on him, and thus quickly expires. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/114 "2003-11-13T02:23:47Z")
You know, if you gotta go - I’ll can’t think of a finer group to go in that dark night with. I would guess that as a child everyone said you had an “overactive imagination,” **peritrochoid**! As for myself, I simply read too many Stephen King novels. Which makes me wonder - what if **pedritrochoid** and **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** were, by chance, on the same flight to Washington? After enjoying their yummy in-flight snack (pretzels) and downing a few cocktails, they drift off into a light sleep. Suddenly, the pilot’s voice comes across the telecom system: “Buckle your seats! We’ve lost an engine!!” As **pedritrochoid** and **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** sleepily scramble to grab their oxygen masks **pedritrochoid** screams out: “But - I only have 819 posts! I’m too young to go!” **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** looks over and says - “Hey, I know who you are! SDMB, right?” The plane crashes five minutes later, and everyone survives EXCEPT the two people who were too busy talking - and therefore neglected to put on their oxygen masks. ---
**Author:** ![peritrochoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@peritrochoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peritrochoid)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/115 "2003-11-13T02:42:12Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Blonde \* > \*\* I would guess that as a child everyone said you had an “overactive imagination,” **peritrochoid**!_\* Heh! Even as an “adult” I get that comment. 😃 > [@](#): > > \*\*Which makes me wonder - what if **pedritrochoid** and **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** were, by chance, on the same flight to Washington? After enjoying their yummy in-flight snack (pretzels) and downing a few cocktails, they drift off into a light sleep. > > Suddenly, the pilot’s voice comes across the telecom system: “Buckle your seats! We’ve lost an engine!!” As **pedritrochoid** and **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** sleepily scramble to grab their oxygen masks **pedritrochoid** screams out: “But - I only have 819 posts! I’m too young to go!” **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** looks over and says - “Hey, I know who you are! SDMB, right?” > > The plane crashes five minutes later, and everyone survives EXCEPT the two people who were too busy talking - and therefore neglected to put on their oxygen masks. \*\* **BEAUTIFUL!** Absolutely beautiful! I think my neighbors heard me laughing! 😃 I’ve already killed you more than my share of times, **Blonde** , so next poster, whoever you may be, predict **Blonde** ’s death. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/116 "2003-11-13T03:07:20Z")
**Blonde** always wanted to command an army in battle. On July 16, 20–, she decided to pull a stunt. In the uniform of a Lt. Col, she took control of two companies of infantry. With these companies, she seized the Treasury Department, stealing the plates used to print money. While trying to escape, however, she ran into (entirely by conincidence) a battalion of armor (that’s tanks to you). It took dental records to identify the corpse. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/117 "2003-11-13T03:14:12Z")
**Governor Quinn** ate PopRocks and drank Coca Cola. About 5 minutes ago. (Sorry I misread the prognostication. I thought Jesus was on my cell phone. 🙂 ) Man, there sure is a lot of squishy stuff inside the human body… ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/118 "2003-11-13T03:28:32Z")
Alas, poor **NoClueBoy**! He was so proud of his “Predict the Next Poster!” thread – how it had grown and flourished, passing its thousandth post… then its two thousandth… then its three thousandth!! As the four thousandth post neared, **NCB** laid in champagne to celebrate the incredible milestone of unfettered mundane pointlessness. Anxiously, eagerly he watched as the count crept upward… careful not to bump it too often to excite comment, yet keeping a close eye on its progress, cheering it on, and on, and on… Then at last! The mighty thread hit 4000!!! And all the hamsters, in obedience to a little-known rule in the SDMB fine print, leapt from their wheels, swarmed over **NoClueBoy** , and devoured him. Not even a tooth was left. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/119 "2003-11-13T13:04:24Z")
**EddyTeddyFreddy** was out fishing on a little boat. There was no wind, and everything looked fine. Suddenly, his friends, **Neddy** and **Reddy** , came by, and they decided to board the boat. Alas, the boat wasn’t designed to hold the weight of **EddyTeddyFreddyNeddyReddy** , and it sank. Because they were alone, no one else knew what had happened until it was all too late to do anything about it. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2003, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480/120 "2003-11-13T14:03:43Z")
**Govenator Quinn** ’s DNA unsequences. Hilarity ensues. Oh yeah, and a rather gruesome death. October 31, 2005, 10:17 am CST [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/predict-the-death-of-the-previous-poster/212480.md?page=7)