# Primate Butlers **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 2, 2003, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593 "2003-05-02T10:53:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/1 "2003-05-02T10:53:56Z")
We all know about Monkey butlers. I have to ask you,however, which primate is _best_ suited for butlerhood? Yes, monkeys are cute with their tails and all, but imagine the possibilities of, say, a Gorilla Butler or even a _Baboon_ Butler. Think about it. A Gorilla butler could easily serve as your henchman, too. Is your neighbor bothering you with their stereo? Send the Gorilla over. So, which one are you: form or function? Does less equal more in the primate butler world? I think we all know what my choice would be. ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/2 "2003-05-02T11:55:14Z")
Tiny little marmoset hairdressers and stylists. Imagine them sitting on your shoulder and applying hair gel with their tiny little hands. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/3 "2003-05-02T12:02:09Z")
> [@](#): > > We all know about Monkey butlers. Apparently not. I was in a staff meeting yesterday when the dept. director told us that if we needed any resources to just ask. I, naturally, requested monkey butlers. Nobody got it. The director made an airplane sound and passed his hand over his head. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/4 "2003-05-02T12:09:27Z")
Baboons? No-no-no. Baboons are the _hoi polloi_, old chum. Not for people of _refined_ taste–not for the _smart set_. ---
**Author:** ![Pergau](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7c8e57/32.png) [@Pergau](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pergau)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/5 "2003-05-02T12:54:19Z")
A gorilla would make an excellent doorman ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/6 "2003-05-02T12:59:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tansu \* > \*\*Tiny little marmoset hairdressers and stylists. Imagine them sitting on your shoulder and applying hair gel with their tiny little hands. \*\* _shudder_ Oh, _hell_ no! I can’t stand monkeys, and the thought of one on my shoulder… _shudder_ ---
**Author:** ![everton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecb155/32.png) [@everton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/everton)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/7 "2003-05-02T13:01:41Z")
Butlers are supposed to be discreet and personable, and the [Ivor Spencer International School for Butlers](http://www.ivorspencer.com/info.htm) requires trainees to have a “fair standard of education… plus two excellent references. Re languages - English must be spoken and understood”. > [@](#): > > The aim of the School is to teach students to become first-class Butler Administrators/Personal Assistants, with the object of taking control of a household or households, and will be responsible for the purchasing of food and wines including Champagne, cigars and clothes, booking travel for employers, and hiring of all staff. The School also teaches students how to organise large and small parties. Throwing their shit at callers to the house and pulling their lower lips over their eyebrows seem to be skills surplus to requirements. Surely a more pressing question is “why are baboons’ arses so red?” ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/8 "2003-05-02T13:01:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pergau \* > \*\*A gorilla would make an excellent doorman \*\* Or a librarian. 😃 [Monty Python] “Sorry, sir, I’m not really a gorilla. I’m a librarian in a skin” [Monty Python] ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/9 "2003-05-02T13:11:19Z")
Bah, everyone knows Orangutans make the best Librarians! ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/10 "2003-05-02T13:52:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by everton \* > \*\* > Throwing their shit at callers to the house and pulling their lower lips over their eyebrows seem to be skills surplus to requirements. > > Surely a more pressing question is “why are baboons’ arses so red?” \*\* My dear fellow, _Where_ are you procurring services from? Everyone knows that Simian Services® offers only the best there is to be had. No poo flinging here. Why the mere thought of it makes me want to faint, picturing my beloved Roderick the Baboon flinging feces. Are Baboon’s butt’s red?! _I_ have never had a desire to stare upon a baboon’s bottom. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/11 "2003-05-02T14:07:02Z")
Gibbons. Great at getting stuff down from high shelves. Funky, too. Well known for it. ---
**Author:** ![TeleTronOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4af34b/32.png) [@TeleTronOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeleTronOne)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2003, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/primate-butlers/172593/12 "2003-05-02T14:19:48Z")
If you had an infinite number of primates, it wouldn’t really matter which kind they were, and you could do ANYTHING! And since it would cost an infinite amount of money anyway, you could get the most expensive kind (just check the “bill me later” box). Similar to **Johnny L.A.**'s story, I used to propose the use of an infinite number of monkeys to solve various problems at my place of employment, and got a very similar reaction.