# Professional Driver…Closed Course. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 26, 2002, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189 "2002-03-26T15:04:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Macro\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Macro\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macro_Man)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/1 "2002-03-26T15:04:46Z")
Am I the only one that thinks the lawyers are running this country? So I’m watching TV the other day. On comes a commercial for a compact car (forgot what kind it was). Guy driving along at normal speed, with his hand “airplaning” in the breeze of an open window. What’s on the bottom of the screen? “Professional Driver…closed course…do not attempt”. WTF? I can’t put my hand out the window when I’m driving? Been doing that since I was a kid, with amateur drivers on open courses. Then I see the commercial for the new Saturn SUV. Has a vehicle being chased through the snow by (what appears to be) a forty foot tall mountain lion. Yep, you guessed it… “Professional Driver…Closed Course”. You mean, if I’m being chased by a freakishly large cat, I can’t take the type of evasive maneuvers I see on the screen? What am I supposed to do? I am so fucking sick of the media treating me like a two year old. Conversely, I am fed up with this stupid litigious society that fosters (indeed mandates) this sort of inane warning. Reform the liability laws now, for Crissakes! Anyone else? Any other examples? ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/2 "2002-03-26T15:21:49Z")
Yes … retarded warnings on Halloween costumes. ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/3 "2002-03-26T15:23:10Z")
Silica gel - Do Not Eat ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/4 "2002-03-26T15:24:42Z")
I see that the sig gods favour **Jack** pan ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/5 "2002-03-26T15:26:18Z")
Hey, **Jack** , since you’re here … just wanna say I laughed out loud when I noticed your sig on the “other” board. I recall hearing about a warning printed on a package of unshelled peanuts; something to the effect of “Warning: Do not eat the shells.” ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/6 "2002-03-26T18:34:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by THespos \* > \*\*Silica gel - Do Not Eat \*\* I learned that one the hard way let me tell you. Got a nice hefty settlement out of those bastards though. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/7 "2002-03-26T18:47:11Z")
‘Warning: Cape does not enable wearer to fly.’ I think we need a whole lot more chlorine in the gene pool. ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/8 "2002-03-26T19:17:56Z")
From a Husquevarna chainsaw manual - “Warning - do not stop running chain with bare hands.” ---
**Author:** ![Kamandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5daacb/32.png) [@Kamandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamandi)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/9 "2002-03-26T19:24:18Z")
I was also struck by the Saturn VUE commercials. The Saturn skittering across a jungle pond after a lizard gets me. “Professional driver, closed course, do not attempt”. Huh. You mean my new 4000 lb Saturn SUV won’t be able to walk on water? Well, I don’t want one then! ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/10 "2002-03-26T19:31:57Z")
I always loved the “Blade is turning when motor is running” on lawnmowers. To think that someone actually tipped up a mower while it was running, thinking some magical “Bigby’s Grass Cutting Blade” spell had been cast under there, and stuck his hand in to clear the clippings out, utterly confounds me. On the mower I owned, it was written in **three languages** , because as we all know, stupidity knows no racial or ethnic boundaries. Sheesh. I don’t let it get me down, though. I just think of the shit-for-brains fool that tried to stand on the **1/4"-thick kindling** comprising the deck of the folding paint can holder on his stepladder (y’know, the one that’s now helpfully labelled “not a step”?), fell through it and broke his big fat moronic ass. Ha! ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/11 "2002-03-26T19:39:16Z")
Oh, oh, oh, I forgot, my main source of inspiration for ridiculous stuff - the Official Corporate Safety Manual. Let me provide some random highlights: Section 1400, Office Safety Precautions to be taken when opening and closing a door: A) Be prepared for doors opening from the other side. B)Open and close doors cautiously. C)Hold doors open for people close behind you D)If a door is an exit from a building, the following should apply: 1)Lights operating 2)Exits are unobstructed 3)Exits have signs E)Doors should open and close easily. Section 1402, Office Equipment Office equiment shall be kept in condition and used as follows: 1. Safe use of chairs: A) Sitting down: move chair until you feel the front edge of seat with the back of your legs. B) Rising: with feet firmly placed on floor and back straight, grasp seat or arms of chair and lift body weight with legs. C) Ensure no one is behind the chair when pushing chair back and chair does not tip over. D) Do not roll across the floor while sitting in a chair. It gets worse. We have a lengthy list of instructions on the Safe Use and Operation Of Hand Operated Paper Cutter, Safe Use of Pens, Pencils, and Scissors, all the way through to Safe Walking - actually a section entitled Personal Deportment in the Office. A) Scan the floor ahead for hazards such as paper clips, rubber bands, etc. Get the big picture. (I kid you not - this is a verbatim extract) B) Be alert for uneven or slippery surfaces, holes, etc. C) Be alert for doors opening into corridors. D) To avoid possible collisions, be cautious when turning corners. E) Select footing carefully and use extreme caution on ice, snow, or wet surfaces. F) In the event of emergency, keep calm and walk briskly. G) Walk on the right hand side of the corridors. H) Ensure all rug runners lay flat. I) No horse play. (Well, given some of the employees, this being made explicit makes sense.) I do not know how I survived so many years in such a hazardous environment without this precious document. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/12 "2002-03-26T19:56:41Z")
You have _got_ to be shitting me. If you followed all those rules verbatim, it would take you an hour just to go take a piss. ---
**Author:** ![Darwins\_Finch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darwins_finch/32/20304_2.png) [@Darwins\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darwins_Finch)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/13 "2002-03-26T20:04:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tisiphone \* > **A) Scan the floor ahead for hazards such as paper clips, rubber bands, etc. Get the big picture. (I kid you not - this is a verbatim extract)** You know, just the other day I was thinking to myself, “Goddamn it, if I trip over _one_ more paperclip, I’m gonna sue!” ---
**Author:** ![E-Sabbath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19adc/32.png) [@E-Sabbath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-Sabbath)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/14 "2002-03-26T20:15:20Z")
Ring does not enable user to fly. No, I’m not kidding, Chaim can back me up, I suspect. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/15 "2002-03-26T22:02:09Z")
From the side of a can of spray cheese: “For best results, remove cap first.” ---
**Author:** ![Kamandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5daacb/32.png) [@Kamandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamandi)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/16 "2002-03-26T22:25:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tisiphone \* > \*\*From a Husquevarna chainsaw manual - “Warning - do not stop running chain with bare hands.” \*\* What do they recommend - wearing leather work gloves? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2002, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/17 "2002-03-26T23:50:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jack Batty \* > \*\*You have _got_ to be shitting me. > > If you followed all those rules verbatim, it would take you an hour just to go take a piss. \*\* It does, it does. 😃 After all, one wouldn’t want to be accused of violating company safety standards, would one? ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/18 "2002-03-27T00:15:06Z")
How about “Serving Suggestion”, on virtually every processed food product? “We suggest you put the soup in a bowl, and perhaps put the bowl on a table.” ---
**Author:** ![Junior\_Spaceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Junior\_Spaceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Junior_Spaceman)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/19 "2002-03-27T00:48:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by javaman \* > **How about “Serving Suggestion”, on virtually every processed food product?** A slight variation on this is, for example, on a cereal packet on which the cereal in question is pictured in a bowl with milk on a table with a newspaper and a glass of orange juice next to it. Beneath the picture, it says “Serving Suggestion only”, as if we need to be reminded that there’s very little chance of finding orange juice or a newspaper or indeed a table inside the box. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/20 "2002-03-27T15:14:31Z")
There is a new Master Card commercial. One of those this item costs such-n-such but this if priceless ones. But this one is based on the film Run Lola Run (which I recomend). Anyway this mom is running like mad to buy her kid all this stuff for school. Then for the dramatic conclusion she jumps off a bridge on to the roof of a moving school bus and then leans over and hands the kid the stuff. Of course there is a disclaimer saying ‘professional stunt person do not attempt yourself’. Gee, you mean having a debit master card won’t make it safe to do that?!?! What a rip off! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189.md?page=2)