# Professional Driver…Closed Course. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 26, 2002, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189 "2002-03-26T15:04:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2002, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/41 "2002-04-01T23:43:57Z")
There was a car commercial, I forget what kind of car, that showed a sedan driving off a stage in a club and crowdsurfing. And at the bottom of the screen, I kid you not, in tiny white letters … “Always drive on roads, not on people.” ---
**Author:** ![Mooch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mooch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooch)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2002, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/42 "2002-04-02T17:50:38Z")
Always got a kick out of the directions on a box of cake mix I had. Grease **inside** bottom of pan. Damn, and here I thought they were helping me to slide the pan into the oven easier so’s I can save just a little more time. ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2002, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/43 "2002-04-02T18:10:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Number Six \* > \*\*The sad part is that such warnings are there because they are often necessary. > > In a college football movie a few years ago, a scene depicted a self-destructive player laying down on the dividing line of a busy highway, as an example of his self-destructive behavior. He was joined by a few other players, but nobody got hurt. > > Several teen morons decided to imitate this scene, and a couple were killed as a result. This became national news, and the news reports sometimes showed a brief clip of the scene in question, along with the explicit warning that people doing this have been killed. After seeing the story on the news, a new rash of severe injuries sprang up among the morons who hadn’t seen the movie, but had seen the news report.\*\* …and some people claim there’s no visible proof of Evolution. ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2002, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/44 "2002-04-02T19:53:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Syzygy \* > \*\*To think that someone actually tipped up a mower while it was running, thinking some magical “Bigby’s Grass Cutting Blade” spell had been cast under there, and stuck his hand in to clear the clippings out, utterly confounds me. > \*\* I was about to make fun of you for being a big geek. But then I realized that to make fun of you I would reveal to the world that I knew where Bigby came from. Marc ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2002, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/45 "2002-04-02T20:20:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MGibson \* > \*\* > I was about to make fun of you for being a big geek. But then I realized that to make fun of you I would reveal to the world that I knew where Bigby came from. > > Marc \*\* Ha HA! So who’s the geek now, huh? What? Oh yeah, it’s still me. Shit. “No ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?” ---
**Author:** ![Macro\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Macro\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macro_Man)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2002, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/46 "2002-04-05T14:19:22Z")
Saw another one… On the back of the tearfree baby body wash we use for Mini Macro: Warning: keep out of reach of children. I have this mental image of me squirting the soap at him from across the room. ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2002, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/47 "2002-04-05T16:30:56Z")
I saw one of those disclaimers that actually had a sense of humor. A couple of guys are driving their Hot New SUV™, dressed in dark suits. In the seat between them is an urn. The boys are driving hard and fast in rough mountain terrain. One of them says to the urn something like, “Don’t worry, Uncle Freddy. We’ll pour your ashes in your favorite spot on this mountain, just like we promised.” On the bottom of the screen were the words, “Don’t drive like these guys, or you’ll wind up like Uncle Freddy.” ---
**Author:** ![Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ed655f/32.png) [@Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crown_Prince_of_Irony)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2002, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/48 "2002-04-05T17:02:29Z")
Most inane warning **ever** (seen on an airline bag of honey roasted peanuts): **Caution: May contain peanuts.** **MAY** contain peanuts?!? I realize that nut allergies can be among the worst, and can lead to pain, illness, and death. I am all for putting warnings on products whose proper names aren’t ubiquitous with peanuts: Reese’s Pieces, Mr. Goodbar, Payday, hell, even Planter’s Mixed Nuts (doesn’t say peanuts in BIG FRICKING LETTERS). Someone with reaaaallly poor vision (and who, perhaps, was dropped on the head as a child) may see the product name in BIG letters, say, “Oh, no peanuts,” and chow down, thus shortly commencing with the twitching, puking, and whatnot. Okay, fine, I’m willing to allow for the accomodation of people a little behind on the bell curve of discretion. But who the hell needs a “may contain peanut” warning on a bag of \*\* fucking peanuts\*\* ? Even if the flight attendant _hasn’t_ just asked you, “Pretzels or peanuts, sir/ma’am?” Which begs the question: Should we also put a warning on the bags of airline pretzels? **Caution: May cause choking, chew before swallowing. Secret Service may not be available to perform the Heimlich maneuver.** ---
**Author:** ![Necros](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/necros/32/11086_2.png) [@Necros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Necros)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2002, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/49 "2002-04-05T17:21:05Z")
Not so much a “warning” as an “advisory”: There I was, watching Cartton Network when a commercial for this new Buzz Lightyear cereal comes on. The commercial centers around Buzz and those weird “eep-eep” three-eyed alien things from Toy Story. The eep-eep things are flying around in little flying saucers, and they magically transform into flying-saucer-shaped bits of cereal which find their way into some kid’s bowl, where he eats them. At the bottom of the screen is a notice that says, I kid you not, “Not a flying cereal.” Ooookay. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2002, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/50 "2002-04-05T21:46:13Z")
Sometimes a bit of levity slips in. I remember a commercial in which six cars tear across a parking lot and deliberately fishtail into six close-proximity parking spaces. Warning: Professional drivers on closed course. Don’t even think about trying this yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2002, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/51 "2002-04-05T22:12:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duke \* > \*\*I like the warnings that make you wonder about the efficacy of the product…like the one on the anti-insomnia drug I was taking which warned, “May cause drowsiness.” _May_ cause drowsiness, I ask? \*\* My son heard this on TV just the other day. He asked why drowsiness would be considered an undesirable side effect for a sleep aid. And like a dork, I tried to explain it to him as tho it made sense. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/52 "2002-04-06T06:10:28Z")
Dumb: Commercial for the Tiburon SUV (? Sedan?). It’s going through the ocean ('cause Tiburon is Spanish for “shark”, y’know?), and the disclaimer reads something along the lines of “Car cannot actually swim.” Uh, DUH. Funny: SUV commercial in which two women compete for the same mall parking space. The one in the competitor’s model has to stick to the pavement, while the one being advertised drives over medians, hills of dirt, etc. The disclaimer: No parking spot is worth this. Okay, maybe it is, but please don’t do this. LOL! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/53 "2002-04-07T18:49:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bryan Ekers \* > \*\*Sometimes a bit of levity slips in. I remember a commercial in which six cars tear across a parking lot and deliberately fishtail into six close-proximity parking spaces. > > Warning: Professional drivers on closed course. Don’t even think about trying this yourself. \*\* That’s kind of funny, because I LOVE that commercial, and I DID think of trying that myself (I’ve always wanted to learn how to make a car come to a screeching, turning halt). ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/54 "2002-04-07T20:44:04Z")
cjhoworth: Dammit! You stole my “Do not drive with Autoshade in place” thought! 😉 Luckily, I have another one. Actually, it’s a commercial that SHOULD have a dumbass warning. It’s for Enterprise Rent-a-Car. At the end of the commercial they show a car speeding down a road at what looks like the edge of a cliff. The body of the car, however, seems to be enveloped in brown wrapping paper bearing the Enterprise logo on the side. I think I even remember seeing a rope. Nothing like driving (much less driving near a cliff) while trying to peek through brown packaging paper. They must’ve forgotten to unwrap it at the dealership. Damn. I’m not halluncinating the commericial- friends of mine have seen it & come away in awe. Here’s a possible warning label: WARNING: Do not drive car if previously wrapped in paper/fabric. Remove at rental facility. ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/55 "2002-04-07T20:46:01Z")
Incidentally, this thread is so funny I almost pissed myself laughing. You guys are fucking hysterical! ---
**Author:** ![HoldenCaulfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/22d042/32.png) [@HoldenCaulfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoldenCaulfield)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/56 "2002-04-07T22:23:46Z")
WARNING: This thread may cause incontinence. ---
**Author:** ![xcheopis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bc8723/32.png) [@xcheopis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xcheopis)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/57 "2002-04-07T22:53:41Z")
My personal favourite (still!) is the one I saw on a paint stripper: Warning: Do not use to dry hair. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2002, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189/58 "2002-04-08T01:30:46Z")
I’ve always enjoyed the Water Park Sign: You will get wet. Reeeeeeeaaaallllllyyyyyyy? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/professional-driver-closed-course/100189.md?page=2)