# Proof that you're a Real Bachelor(tm) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 18, 2005, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713 "2005-10-18T05:08:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/61 "2005-10-20T03:37:57Z")
now i have maids & nannies, but it wasn’t always this way… washing machine no dryer. hang the wash out back. stroll out in boxers to get clean clothes on as needed basis. if rains, just leave on line until it dries out. if rains multiple times, rewash if mold is growing. rare occaisions need something clean, cant recycle previously worn clothes, and wash is dripping wet from storm, use blow dryer. maybe a little crusty when u put it on, but you won’t notice after 5 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/62 "2005-10-20T04:54:41Z")
I’m actually pretty good about the dishes. But… As long as the spot I actually stand on while taking a shower is mold-free, no need to clean. No hamper, dirty clothes on the floor, clean clothes on the edge of the bed. All clothes are washed using the same setting. Absolutly no ironing! In the living room DVD player: Barely Legal Bedroom: Sex I/II Money gets spent of gadgets, not real needs. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/63 "2005-10-20T06:17:21Z")
A batchelor friend of mine babysat German Shepherd or a week. It was an outside dog, but he kept it indoors. When asked what about the fleas, he said he had it covered. Not only did we find him wearing a flea collar, the wall-to-wall carpet had white stuff all over it. We thought it was carpet deorderizer. No, it was flea powder. :eek: :eek: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/64 "2005-10-20T08:09:22Z")
> [@ouryL](#): > > When asked what about the fleas, he said he had it covered. Not only did we find him wearing a flea collar, the wall-to-wall carpet had white stuff all over it. We thought it was carpet deorderizer. No, it was flea powder. :eek: :eek: :eek: Well, he did say he had it “covered”… ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/65 "2005-10-20T09:15:49Z")
Ritual before a date with a new woman (but only if there is a chance we will come back) 1. Pick up, adult magazines from side of bed, hide under bed. 2. Remove old sheets, hide under bed for re-use. Find one without stains 3. Scrape up used tissues besides bed, flush 4. Gather dirty clothes, dump in washer. Remove washed clothes first and place on lid. 5. Pick up clean clothes, return them to rightful location (dryer) 6. Pick up beer cans, empty partial full ones in toilet. Recycle bin. 7. Pick up golf balls used for putting practice, unsure of where they go, Place in pocket. 8. Remove car parts from table. Place outside. 9. Remove golf balls from pocket. Place on nightstand. 10. Change TV channel from porn channel. Switch to nature channel. Lower volume level. 11. Replace Triple-X rated DVD in machine with Ghost or similar chick flick 12. Hide all recent DVDs. Place anything with “Nubile” in title in bottom drawer 13. Move golf balls to empty sock drawer. 14. Dump chaos of desktop into drawer. Find unpaid bills. 15. Pick up everything on the floor. Throw in closet. Doesn’t fit. Throw in cardboard box. 16. Vacuum. Use sticky roller thing and sweep for any hair longer than mine. Find multiple lengths and colors. 17. Sticky roller thing again. Find more hair. 18. Dust. Swear and vacuum again. Resolve to remember proper sequence next time. 19. Empty trash by bed. Make sure no used condoms remaining. 20. Air fresher spray. 21. Look for kitchen sink. 21.a. Open fridge, greet mold by name. 22. Abandon hope of cleaning kitchen. Padlock kitchen door. 23. Clean toilet rim. Find industrial cleaner and clean again. 24. Ponder the colors in the toilet bowl. Use industrial cleaner. 25. Vacuum hair from bathroom floor. Find multiple lengths and colors. 26. Remove any feminine products from bathroom. Hide / throw away as needed 27. Worry all night that something was missed. 28. Go back to her place or rent hotel room ---
**Author:** ![Small\_Clanger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc348/32.png) [@Small\_Clanger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Small_Clanger)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/66 "2005-10-20T11:30:15Z")
I don’t qualify under the _matter filled sink_ or _peeing in a beer can_ criteria, however this I can relate to: > [@Mr. Goob](#): > > I have a four bedroom house. . . For years I’ve been saying I’ll furnish those rooms or use them for something. Same here. Only my bedroom is furnished, two rooms contain boxes of stuff sitting exactly where they were put down when I moved in over four years ago. The guest bedroom has a bed, and several hundred LPs stacked round the walls. This thread reminded me of an old Rita Rudner line. Men who don’t live with women are like bears with furniture. ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/67 "2005-10-20T12:28:06Z")
My beer cans from Saint Patrick’s Day stayed lined up until after my May finals. This year, I’ve implemented a strategic schedule of dinner parties to force myself to clean once in a while. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/68 "2005-10-20T13:13:33Z")
About ten years ago, I had two roommates (brothers) sharing a three bedroom house with me. The another friend - Dan returned (poor and penniless I might add) from a couple years in Europe and was crashing on my couch till he got his shit together (he still hasn’t, by the way, but at least he’s not living on my couch anymore). I came downstairs one morning to find Dan sitting on the couch, a cigarette smoldering in an overflowing ashtray, a beer in one hand, a joint in the other, and some skanky-looking girl asleep on the couch next to him. Beer, butt, smoking a joint, watching the morning news on the TV, waiting for “last night’s lay” to wake up so he can kick her out and get some sleep while the rest of us are off at class, work, &etc. What a life. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/69 "2005-10-20T13:50:02Z")
My place was such a mess that my boss and his boss were afraid for me to come home from the hospital to my house. They came in to clean it for me while I was away. ---
**Author:** ![Amaranta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Amaranta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amaranta)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/70 "2005-10-20T21:45:50Z")
> [@anyrose](#): > > ok - floor for the dirties, hamper for the clean but not yet put away, > BUT !exercise bicycle for the maybe dirty but still wearable! How did you know about the excercise bike?! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Yah, my pre-date thing goes something like: 1. Clean living room, vacuum and Febreeze the couch, hide dirty videos in the back of the video drawer so he doesn’t think I’m “that kind of girl”. 2. Clean kitchen, hiding the 3500 coffee accesories so he doesn’t think I’m a complete caffeine addict. 3. Shove all the empties into the hallway closet so he doesn’t think I drink too much. 4. Bedroom cleaning time. Make the bed, for the first time in months. Shove all that crap under the bed farther under the bed/drape sheets over side so it can’t be seen. Shove crap on the floor that has no real place into a box then into the cloest. Shove aforementioned dirty clothes, currently stored on the floor, into the closet. Hope there will be no reason to open closet doors. 5. Hide the purple sparky mermaid shaped vibrator and sexy magazines in dresser drawer, so he doesn’t think you’re “that kind of girl”. Have said guy over, drink too much, have the kind of sex that definitly makes you “that kind of girl”, and wake up the next morning as he watches in horror as you down an entire pot of coffee to yourself. Thereby proving you wasted all that time yesterday. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2005, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/71 "2005-10-20T21:53:04Z")
> [@amaranta](#): > > 1. Shove all the empties into the hallway closet so he doesn’t think I drink too much. > > 2. Bedroom cleaning time. Make the bed, for the first time in months. Shove all that crap under the bed farther under the bed/drape sheets over side so it can’t be seen. Shove crap on the floor that has no real place into a box then into the cloest. Shove aforementioned dirty clothes, currently stored on the floor, into the closet. Hope there will be no reason to open closet doors. Don’t you mean “Hope that closet door doesn’t fail, explosively, during the date?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![raz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@raz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raz)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2005, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/72 "2005-10-21T01:37:22Z")
I was talking to my ex not too long ago. He told me that his girlfriend was going to do his dirty dishes in the sink, but he had neither soap to wash them with, nor towels to dry them. Now that kid’s a bachelor if I’ve ever seen one. ---
**Author:** ![soulmurk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@soulmurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulmurk)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2005, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/73 "2005-10-21T03:29:59Z")
Having been raised by two complete neat freaks, even in my bachelorhood do some of their lessons remain. Dishes usually only last in the sink for a few days (thank god this apartment has a dishwasher), and the bathroom gets cleaned once a week–give or take a few days. Vacuuming is done several times a week, but mostly because I have a dog that sheds enough hair in a week to fashion another dog. On the other hand, my mattress has no box spring, it rests on the floor. My cupboards are empty. I don’t mean they don’t have much in them, I mean empty. My freezer has an ice cube tray and some pre-made hamburger patties from the Reagan administration. My frig has a bottle of ketchup, beer, soda, a Brita filter, jelly, milk, and something orange in tupperware that isn’t mine. I have not purchased a single piece of furniture currently decaying in my apartment, they’ve all been hand-me-downs or “inheritances”. There is not a mirror, painting, picture, or knick-knack to be found in my entire apartment (except the bathroom mirror that came with the place), and the walls are completely bare. My dog sleeps in bed with me. I own 2 forks, 2 spoons, 1 steak knife, 1 butter knife, 1 bowl, 2 plates, and a frying pan… all of which are either in the sink or the dish washer, depending on their state of cleanliness. Garbage gets taken out the night before the sanitation dept comes to take it away. Recyclables go when I run out of counter space. ---
**Author:** ![UntouchedTakeaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d78d45/32.png) [@UntouchedTakeaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UntouchedTakeaway)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/74 "2005-10-21T15:44:47Z")
My patented way of spotting a bachelor in a grocery store: Past-date gallon of milk, 4 cases of beer and a wilted head of lettuce in the shopping cart. VCNJ~ ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2005, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/75 "2005-10-21T18:19:45Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > Put dirty laundry in the hamper? Are you mad? It goes on the floor! That’s how I know it’s dirty, since I keep my clean clothes in the hamper till I use them. Ha! I do this. The dirtiness of laundry is determined through a very specific geographic system…if it’s under the desk, it is dirty and needs to be washed. If it’s in the laundry basket on the close side, it’s clean, or in the basket at the bottom it’s clean. On the floor near the bed means it’s been worn once but re-wearable. It’s infinitely more complicated than I’m willing to examine here, but you get the idea. I determine what food I’m going to cook by the dishes drying on the counter. If it weren’t for the Ziploc tupperware container thingies I would have a refridgerator filled with plates and bowls covered in plastic wrap. I’m thinking about more. I’ll be back. -foxy ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/76 "2005-10-21T19:11:29Z")
**The Five Levels of Clean** A guide for bachelors Level One: Guy friend clean Hide the bodies. Level Two: Lady friend (with no possibility of fluid exchange) clean Hide the bodies. Find some sort of aerosol can and spray the air with it. Whipped cream is not good for this. Level Three: Lady friend (with remote possibility of fluid exchange) clean Bag the bodies. Put bags outside. Spray the air. Remove crust from toilet. Hide the porn. Vacuum. Level Four: Parent clean Wash the bodies. Dress them. Bag them. Take them to the city dump. Spray the air. Use a product specifically made for this purpose. Remove crust from toilet. Hide the porn. Vacuum. This includes more than just the center of the floor. Level Five: Gay friend clean Wash the bodies. Dress them in color-coordinated outfits. Take them to a hair stylist. Bag them. Decorate bags. Take them to the city dump. Arrange in attractive pile. Spray the air. Lavender scent. Remove crust from toilet. Lay out the porn in an attractive way. Vacuum. Everywhere. Including the city dump. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2005, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/77 "2005-10-21T21:35:23Z")
> [@OtakuLoki](#): > > Umm… just what else should a guy do with the discharge that is associated with one’s daily mental health maintenance? Using tissue/paper towels just doesn’t seem appropriate - not only do they tear when wetted, they’re not something one can wash and use again. Assuming that you take one each day, how about jerking off in the shower? Frankly I was shocked to find out that all men don’t habitually jerk off there. You’re already soaping your jimmy, why not finish it off, clean up and continue about your day? I’m a bachelorette, OK, old maid, and find that as long as things are neat/in their place, I can ignore uncleanliness. So as long as I have taken the dirty dishes to the sink, I can be in denial of the moldiness or sourmilkiness. Days or weeks later, Oh, that’s what that smell was! Ditto on the taking of trash to the dump. It’s on Saturday morning and God knows I like to sleep until after twelve that day. So the bags do pile up until a weekend when I have to get up anyway and can fit in a trip to the dump. I mitigated the evil by getting a 50-gallon contractor’s trash can (the big squarish ones) and storing a couple of bags outside. My next step is paying for curbside service where they will supply an even bigger squarish receptacle. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2005, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/78 "2005-10-22T23:25:39Z")
I have Cellar spiders living in every available corner of my house, as well as in the space between pretty much any two pieces of furniture, assuming the space isn’t large enough to be a space either I, or my cat regularly walks though. I also have “tunnel-web” spiders living in several of my window sills, and occasionally behind furniture. I figure the Cellar spiders are basically harmless, although it was rude the way that one decided to walk across my face one night as I was going to sleep, and the tunnel spiders pretty much stay where they are, so I can keep an eye on them. The only spiders that die are the wolf/grass hunter type spiders that occasionally make a sprint across the middle of the floor. If I see them, they get squished. Basically, my fear of spiders is outweighed by my laziness about dusting. Oh, and I have lots of dead mosquitoes & flies stuck to the walls, where I’ve smacked 'em dead, but haven’t bothered to clean 'em up. I figure their carcasses serve as a warning to the other bugs. Does this count? ---
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2005, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/79 "2005-10-23T00:13:13Z")
Tip: If you leave the dirty clothes at the bottom of the pile long enough, they become clean again. > [@gigi](#): > > Assuming that you take one each day, how about jerking off in the shower? Frankly I was shocked to find out that all men don’t habitually jerk off there. You’re already soaping your jimmy, why not finish it off, clean up and continue about your day? Soap is irritating to sensitive naughty bits, and water washes away most lubricants, ruins magazines, and shorts out the computer. > [@amaranta](#): > > 1. Clean living room, vacuum and Febreeze the couch, hide dirty videos in the back of the video drawer so he doesn’t think I’m “that kind of girl”. > > 2. Clean kitchen, hiding the 3500 coffee accesories so he doesn’t think I’m a complete caffeine addict. > > 3. Shove all the empties into the hallway closet so he doesn’t think I drink too much. > > 4. Bedroom cleaning time. Make the bed, for the first time in months. Shove all that crap under the bed farther under the bed/drape sheets over side so it can’t be seen. Shove crap on the floor that has no real place into a box then into the cloest. Shove aforementioned dirty clothes, currently stored on the floor, into the closet. Hope there will be no reason to open closet doors. > > 5. Hide the purple sparky mermaid shaped vibrator and sexy magazines in dresser drawer, so he doesn’t think you’re “that kind of girl”. You are _ **so** _ hot. ::Swoon:: ---
**Author:** ![Alistair\_McCello](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/58956e/32.png) [@Alistair\_McCello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alistair_McCello)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2005, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713/80 "2005-10-23T17:20:46Z")
When my elder brother lived in an apartment alone for a little over a year he never returned his pop cans, by the time Christmas rolled around he had enough Mt. Dew and Coke cans that he used them as decorations. He also never vacuumed the place for the entire year, well technically he did vacuum, but he never put a bag in the vacuum cleaner so all the dust just came right back out. On top of that he never emptied his lint trap for the entire time he was there, and he kept complaining about how inefficient his drier was. Now that we are sharing an apartment we still let the cans pile up, but only until there are enough that we can take them back and buy a new 12 pack with the deposit (its what we like to call ‘The Circle of Life’), and we very rarely vacuum, but thats just because there is no uncovered floor space to vacuum. Recently a space large enough to vacuum opened up so I took the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and put it on the open spot to cover it up so we wouldn’t have to worry about it. Our kitchen stays relatively clean though as both he and I subscribe to the idea that it is much easier to simply wash one dish whenever you use it rather than many after you let them pile up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/proof-that-youre-a-real-bachelor-tm/326713.md?page=5)