# "Prove you're an atheist" **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 12, 2006, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440 "2006-06-12T16:11:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/1 "2006-06-12T16:11:07Z")
I found the following glurge mail on a [blog](http://www.daylightatheism.org/2006/06/the-power-of-christ-compels-you.html) linked by another message board and it’s so fucking stupid I just had to post it here: > [@](#): > > Subject: Want To Prove that You are a Real Atheist? TAKE THIS TEST!!! > > Want to prove that you are a real atheist? > Say this out loud > > If you are a real a real atheist, say this prayer out loud three times > right now: > If there is no God, then these prayers will have no effect on you, but if > there is a God, they will. Remember, you have to say these out loud 3x each, > in a row. > > I bet you you will change once you says these prayers. Say them by > yourself, you don’t have to do it in front of anyone. If you are reading this when > there is someone around, you can close it and print it out and say it then. > > Say this out loud 3x: > > OUR FATHER WHICH ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME. > THY KINGDOM COME. THY WILL BE DONE, AS IN HEAVEN SO ON EARTH. > GIVE US DAY BY DAY OUR DAILY BREAD. > AND FORGIVE US OUR SINS; > FOR WE ALSO FORGIVE EVERY ONE THAT IS INDEBTED TO US. > AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION; BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL. > FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY FOREVER > IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST, > AMEN > > Then say this out loud 3x: > > SPEAK OUTLOUD > SATAN, IN THE NAME OF JESUS, I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY MIND, BODY, LIFE, > AND SOUL TODAY IN THE NAME OF JESUS! > YOU HAVE NO DOMINION OVER MY LIFE! > I SUBMIT MY BODY, LIFE, AND SOUL TO GOD, IN THE NAME OF JESUS! > THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU > SATAN! > I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY LIFE! > I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER WHERE I LIVE AT! > I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY FAMILY! > I DO IT ALL IN THE NAME OF JESUS > THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU > SATAN! IN JESUS NAME I CALL IT DONE! AMEN AND AMEN! > IN JESUS CHRIST’S HOLY NAME I PRAY, AMEN! > > DO NOT DELETE THIS EMAIL UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THIS. > AFTER YOU HAVE CHANGED, PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FELLOW NON-BELIEVERS IN > CHRIST. > > ONCE AGAIN, IF YOU WANT TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE A REAL ATHEIST, FOLLOW THESE > INSTRUCTIONS. > > -YOUR FRIEND, > ANONYMOUS Who dares take the test? ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/2 "2006-06-12T16:21:47Z")
I just did. I have a strange compulsion to have sex with strangers, drink to excess and have a hot dog on Friday. Did it work? ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/3 "2006-06-12T16:23:16Z")
God durnit, they were right! I did it and I now see the light. You despicable bunch of heathens, I think I will leave this snake pit, this site of perdition and never return. Pray Jesus for salvation! On second thoughts, I just paid 15 bucks to be here, so I’ll stay. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/4 "2006-06-12T16:24:13Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > I found the following glurge mail on a [blog](http://www.daylightatheism.org/2006/06/the-power-of-christ-compels-you.html) linked by another message board and it’s so fucking stupid I just had to post it here: > > Who dares take the test? Hmmm… Not sure. What if god and satan do exist, but the latter one is the good guy? The invocation of this Jesus involves too much blood for my taste. It’s suspicious. ---
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/5 "2006-06-12T16:25:29Z")
"Candyman, candyman, candym ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/6 "2006-06-12T16:25:37Z")
I think I’d want to reply to that with something like this: Dear Brother or Sister in Christ, I saw the e-mail you sent to my atheist friend, and I’d like you to repeat the following prayer 3 times or until it’s answered: Dear Lord, In Thy compassion, grant me the wisdom not to treat atheists like idiots. In Thy mercy, let me understand that they may actually have heard of this Jesus Christ fellow and be aware of what He’s supposed to have done. In Thy wisdom, remind me that the way to make converts is not to beat them over the head with the Jesus stick, as that is far more likely to produce anger than conversion. Finally, Lord, let me understand that forwarding around glurge like this could even get some devout Christians to consider switching sides. That, or it’s rather tempting to make up a Wiccan version. I might call a friend and see what we can come up with! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/7 "2006-06-12T16:26:25Z")
Who thinks this shit up? Really, I want to know. Soceity, believer and non-believer alike, needs to go and forcably neuter these people. Those genes cannot be good for the survival of the human race. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/8 "2006-06-12T16:27:05Z")
I did it and. . . and . . . and. . . Good Lord! I’m no longer an aetheist, goddamn it! Satan has been cast out of my soul and body and I now believe in something that does not exist. I’ve been saved. SAVED. Holy hot shit. Now I’m gonna repeat “Get out of my mind and body fat! Get out of my bloodstream chocolate!” 3x and I’ll be a size 2. Or at least I’ll _believe_ I’m a size 2. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/9 "2006-06-12T16:27:19Z")
This: > [@](#): > > I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY LIFE! > I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER WHERE I LIVE AT! > I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY FAMILY! is extra creepy. I have this kind of a Sam Peckinpah mental image after that. Bonus points for “where I live at” – it’s the tenuous grasp of English that makes for quality glurge. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/10 "2006-06-12T16:38:05Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > I found the following glurge mail on a [blog](http://www.daylightatheism.org/2006/06/the-power-of-christ-compels-you.html) linked by another message board and it’s so fucking stupid I just had to post it here: > > Who dares take the test? I couldn’t do it… The head spinning and the projectile vomiting was freaking out my coworkers, so I had to stop just as I was picking up a funky backbeat on the “blood of jesus, blood of jesus, blood of jesus against you” \ Darn it! I so wanted to wallow in the love of someone who would torture his son to death to make up for his own poor planning skills. Maybe next time… ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/11 "2006-06-12T16:41:22Z")
> [@Siege](#): > > beat them over the head with the Jesus stick This has to be the best line to come out of TV in a very long time. 😃 Honestly, these people need to get their noses out of other people’s business. What right do they have, telling people what to believe? Very little in this world gets me quite so mad. I have a cousin who dedicated her life to missionary work, and I can’t say I"m against most of it. Building schools and getting clean water for little third-world towns is a good thing. But when her letters to me asking for more money for the cause included the line “And pray with us, that these children may find the light of Christ and learn to live in His image, because their local beliefs are strong and we need the help of your prayers”, I stopped caring. Faith is good and all, but don’t you **dare** shove it down someone’s throat. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/12 "2006-06-12T16:42:17Z")
I tried to do it, but my eyes were rolling so hard, I kept losing my place in the text. Guess that means I’m a Christian now. Somehow, I always assumed there was more to it than that. ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/13 "2006-06-12T16:46:06Z")
I have applied the blood of Jesus liberally on the affected area. I wish it came in a cream or gel form. Someone should contact their marketing department about that. ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/14 "2006-06-12T16:58:08Z")
I got a great deal on Blood of Jesus down at the GodMart Factory Outlet, and I’ve been applying it with a roller onto anything within arm’s reach. It smells a little, though. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/15 "2006-06-12T17:02:16Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > Who dares take the test? I daren’t. I have this strange problem with lying- I don’t like to do it, and since I don’t believe in any of that junk, I would be lying if I pretended to pray. Sometimes I wish there was some kind of rule that prevented religious people from lying, but I’ll live by my own rules. I admit that reading the prayer has made me a little thirsty for one of Pat Robertson’s protein shakes. Bulks up your soul AND your muscle mass! ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/16 "2006-06-12T17:02:37Z")
Hmmm, I’ll try and see what happens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cthulhu ! Cthulhu ftaghn ! Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fthagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fthagn ! Yog-Sothoth ! ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/17 "2006-06-12T17:05:02Z")
> [@Hamadryad](#): > > I just did. I have a strange compulsion to have sex with strangers, drink to excess and have a hot dog on Friday. Did it work? What a coinky-dink. I just had sex with a stranger and drank to excess. (Okay, it was coffee I was drinking, but still.) It’s not Friday, so I can’t address the meat issue. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/18 "2006-06-12T17:05:40Z")
Why is it always Jesus or atheism? No middle ground? Grr. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/19 "2006-06-12T17:05:44Z")
> [@Brainiac4](#): > > This: [snipped quotation] is extra creepy. I have this kind of a Sam Peckinpah mental image after that. Naw, Charley Manson. “Helter Skelter.” ---
**Author:** ![LilyoftheValley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@LilyoftheValley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LilyoftheValley)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/20 "2006-06-12T17:06:37Z")
> [@vibrotronica](#): > > I have applied the blood of Jesus liberally on the affected area. So where in the body is atheism located, anyway? As to the glurge, I’m quite surprised that they spelled “atheist” correctly. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440.md?page=2)