# "Prove you're an atheist" **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 12, 2006, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440 "2006-06-12T16:11:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/141 "2006-06-18T18:36:42Z")
> [@Green Bean](#): > > In other words, it doesn’t really matter whether the stain is blood ir wine if you’re using a commercial spot remover. Now, now, now, none of that wishy-washy ecumencial crap! ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/142 "2006-06-18T20:10:16Z")
> [@Bites When Provoked](#): > > Oh, that is _good_. > > I have to find the link to that again - it was on my old computer and I’ve just now realised it’s missing. 😃 [Here’s a link](http://www.adamchance.com/funny.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/143 "2006-06-18T20:27:21Z")
> [@Least Original User Name Ever](#): > > Prove your a religious person. Give your worldly goods to charity and dedicate your life to helping others. A test Billy Graham, Pat Robertson ,Swaggert and other leaders fail miserably as they accumulate personal wealth and live in mansions. Maybe they’re like that religious sect on Discworld, that feels that since money is the root of all evil, it’s their duty as holy men to accumulate as much as possible to shield the rest of us from it’s corrupting effects. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2006, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/144 "2006-06-19T05:43:13Z")
> [@Least Original User Name Ever](#): > > A test Billy Graham, Pat Robertson ,Swaggert and other leaders fail miserably as they accumulate personal wealth and live in mansions. Now now, if Pat didn’t hold on to some money, he wouldn’t be able to grace our souls and muscles with the gift of [his holy protein shake.](http://www.cbn.com/communitypublic/shake.aspx) ---
**Author:** ![Othersider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/cab0a1/32.png) [@Othersider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Othersider)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2006, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/145 "2006-06-19T06:00:23Z")
> [@Siege](#): > > I think I’d want to reply to that with something like this: > > Dear Brother or Sister in Christ, > > I saw the e-mail you sent to my atheist friend, and I’d like you to repeat the following prayer 3 times or until it’s answered: > > Dear Lord, > In Thy compassion, grant me the wisdom not to treat atheists like idiots. > In Thy mercy, let me understand that they may actually have heard of this Jesus Christ fellow and be aware of what He’s supposed to have done. > In Thy wisdom, remind me that the way to make converts is not to beat them over the head with the Jesus stick, as that is far more likely to produce anger than conversion. > Finally, Lord, let me understand that forwarding around glurge like this could even get some devout Christians to consider switching sides. Hear hear, **Siege**. When will they learn? Maybe never. I don’t think glurge has sold a lot of people on anything. ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2006, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/146 "2006-06-19T12:00:43Z")
During my lunch break today I had he unfortunate experience of listening to LOONY New Zelander’s talk about (talkback radio) how RAVING LOONY Muslims MAY take over the country. GOOD GRIEF! Please save us from ALL religion! ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2006, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/147 "2006-06-19T12:31:15Z")
> [@moonstarssun](#): > > Now, see, that’s another reason I couldn’t be a Xian. I can barely manage to get to work on time with my usual morning routine–adding all this would make me late every single day. And you know that half way through something would distract me and I’d forget which pieces of invisible armor I still had to put on, so I’d have to just start all over. I’d have thought this was pretty simple - If you have trouble telling which parts of the invisible armour you’re actually wearing, you can simply work it out by counting the invisible pieces are left on the dressing table and subtracting from the total. See? ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2006, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/148 "2006-06-19T12:38:26Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Now now, if Pat didn’t hold on to some money, he wouldn’t be able to grace our souls and muscles with the gift of [his holy protein shake.](http://www.cbn.com/communitypublic/shake.aspx) Man; I’d plateaued on my leg workout, unable to make any progress at all, and now I know why. I’ve been eating unconsecrated protein supplements. I APPLY THE PROTEIN SHAKE OF JESUS OVER WHERE I BENCH AT!!! ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/149 "2006-06-21T09:18:15Z")
> [@Brain Wreck](#): > > I APPLY THE PROTEIN SHAKE OF JESUS OVER WHERE I BENCH AT!!! I’m pretty sure that’ll get you thrown out of public environs, not to mention arrested. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![sciurophobic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cab0a1/32.png) [@sciurophobic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciurophobic)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/150 "2006-06-21T16:10:06Z")
> [@homeskillet](#): > > Thank You for posting this! I recited the prayers and something \*did \* happen. \*\*I FOUND CHRIST! \*\* He was under the sofa cushions along with 87¢ and half a nilla waffer! Now I know _true_ bliss! Thanks again. Only 87¢ for finding Jesus? I used to get a dollar for finding the afikomen. ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2006, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/151 "2006-06-22T04:19:57Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > - in fact, there was always _something_ like that that was brought back from meetings or seminars that was going to _change everything_; usually it would only last a month or two, then fade, but the Armour of God incantation lasted for quite a bit longer. Eh, better than the [Armoire of Invinciblity](http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=040129). ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2006, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/152 "2006-06-22T23:31:59Z")
seems that all our atheists are having a little snark at the expense of the knights of God. Don’t you know that this is just what the Devil–oh yes, he’s out there, don’t you kid yourselves–wants from you? The more you snicker at Christ’s soldiers, the more deeply Old Nick’s claws latch onto your liver and other vital organs. In fact–don’t you fucking get it?!–the e-mail was NOT intended to free you from your Godlessness–far from it! It was intended to nourish it by encouraging you to recall the Gifts of Christ and mock them all–instead of your usual blithe neutrality on the topic of God’s Will!!! So, the laugh’s on YOU. You thought you were mocking a letter by a Christian, when in reality that glurge was written by a worshipper of the Devil–or by SATAN Himself!!! By your mockery you have committed the Unforgiveable SIN of BLASPHEMY Against the Holy Spirit. Not even the Heavenly Father Himself can unlock the keys of your sin and free you from your bonds of SIN!!! So if you have said the prayers in the glurge, then you are DAMNED TO FUCKING HELL!!! If you have not said then prayers, then you are still DAMNED TO FUCKING HELL!!! You are DAMNED either way! And you thought it was just a JOKE. The only thing you can do to FREE yourself is to praise SATAN three times and send the e-mail on to three friends. That will UNDO the Unforgiveable Sin and free you! And you THOUGHT you were an atheist. Pish. You are a true child of the DEVIL! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/153 "2006-06-23T01:01:11Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > seems that all our atheists are having a little snark at the expense of the knights of God. > > Don’t you know that this is just what the Devil–oh yes, he’s out there, don’t you kid yourselves–wants from you? The more you snicker at Christ’s soldiers, the more deeply Old Nick’s claws latch onto your liver and other vital organs. > > In fact–don’t you fucking get it?!–the e-mail was NOT intended to free you from your Godlessness–far from it! It was intended to nourish it by encouraging you to recall the Gifts of Christ and mock them all–instead of your usual blithe neutrality on the topic of God’s Will!!! > > So, the laugh’s on YOU. You thought you were mocking a letter by a Christian, when in reality that glurge was written by a worshipper of the Devil–or by SATAN Himself!!! By your mockery you have committed the Unforgiveable SIN of BLASPHEMY Against the Holy Spirit. Not even the Heavenly Father Himself can unlock the keys of your sin and free you from your bonds of SIN!!! > > So if you have said the prayers in the glurge, then you are DAMNED TO FUCKING HELL!!! If you have not said then prayers, then you are still DAMNED TO FUCKING HELL!!! You are DAMNED either way! > > And you thought it was just a JOKE. The only thing you can do to FREE yourself is to praise SATAN three times and send the e-mail on to three friends. That will UNDO the Unforgiveable Sin and free you! > > And you THOUGHT you were an atheist. Pish. You are a true child of the DEVIL! Pure gold. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/154 "2006-06-23T02:35:43Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > So, the laugh’s on YOU. Haw haw haw! ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/155 "2006-06-23T02:46:51Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Haw haw haw! The laugh by JTC, aka Jesus “Tough” Christ. Praise the LORD!!! ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/156 "2006-06-23T03:51:11Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Don’t you know that this is just what the Devil–oh yes, he’s out there, don’t you kid yourselves–wants from you? The more you snicker at Christ’s soldiers, the more deeply Old Nick’s claws latch onto your liver and other vital organs. So, since I’m fucked anyways I may as well knock over a bank and wave my genitals at nuns? Coooooool. bbi5! -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/157 "2006-06-23T04:04:13Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > So, since I’m fucked anyways I may as well knock over a bank and wave my genitals at nuns? Fuckin-A. ---
**Author:** ![Boggette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/858c86/32.png) [@Boggette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boggette)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/158 "2006-06-23T13:17:50Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > So, since I’m fucked anyways I may as well knock over a bank and wave my genitals at nuns? “Nuns… No sense of humor” ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/159 "2006-06-27T09:10:28Z")
To make things fair & balanced, I’m going to distribute that email but replace the second prayer with this: BY THE SYMBOL OF THE CREATOR, I SWEAR HENCEFORTH TO BE A FAITHFUL SERVANT OF HIS MOST PUISSANT ARCH-ANGEL THE PRINCE LUCIFER WHOM THE CREATOR DESIGNATED AS HIS REGEANT AND LORD OF THIS WORLD. I DENY JESUS CHRIST, THE DECEIVER AND I ABJURE THE CHRISTIAN FAITH, HOLDING IN CONTEMPT ALL OF ITS WORKS. [Guitar Solo: Denner / Guitar Solo: Shermann] AS A BEING NOW POSSESSED OF A HUMAN BODY IN THIS WORLD I SWEAR TO GIVE FULL ALLEGIANCE TO ITS LAWFUL MASTER, TO WORSHIP HIM OUR LORD SATAN, AND NO OTHER IN THE NAME OF SATAN, THE RULER OF EARTH OPEN WIDE THE GATES OF HELL AND COME FORTH FROM THE ABYSS BY THESE NAMES: SATAN, LEVIATHAN, BELIAL, LUCIFER I WILL KISS THE GOAT [Guitar Solo: Shermann / Guitar Solo: Denner] I SWEAR TO GIVE MY MIND, MY BODY AND MY SOUL UNRESERVEDLY TO THE FURTHERANCE OF OUR LORD SATAN’S DESIGNS DO WHAT THOU WILT, SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING, IS NOW, AND EVER SHALL BE WORLD WITHOUT END, AMEN. > [@Aeschines](#): > > So, the laugh’s on YOU. You thought you were mocking a letter by a Christian, when in reality that glurge was written by a worshipper of the Devil–or by SATAN Himself!!! By your mockery you have committed the Unforgiveable SIN of BLASPHEMY Against the Holy Spirit. Not even the Heavenly Father Himself can unlock the keys of your sin and free you from your bonds of SIN!!! > > So if you have said the prayers in the glurge, then you are DAMNED TO FUCKING HELL!!! If you have not said then prayers, then you are still DAMNED TO FUCKING HELL!!! You are DAMNED either way! Hey God-boy, I’ve got a message for you. Your Hell does not exist. I know from experience, the human awareness can only tolerate a certain level of pain. After that, you vanish. You don’t exist. So your hell doesn’t frighten me, nor does your God. And if I’m wrong and your God _does_ exist, I will stand before Him on Judgement Day and look Him straight in the eye and tell him what I think of Him. Could _you_ do that?? [sub](Or did I just get whoosed?)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440/160 "2006-06-27T12:35:19Z")
KGS, Yes my friend, you have been whooshed. Although your post had me snerking coffee through my nose. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/prove-youre-an-atheist/360440.md?page=9)