# Public online grieving- when does it cross the line? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2016, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924 "2016-08-25T16:49:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2016, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/21 "2016-08-26T18:01:28Z")
> [@Not\_a\_Platypus](#): > > Me too, every day. > > To be clear with the on-topic stuff, I just don’t know how to handle other people’s grief or other intensely personal things (hurray being raised in a super-reserved non-expressive family), so for me it’s all too much info and I want to be helpful but the best I can do is keep my mouth shut and let people do what they need to. The last thing I want to do is make their struggle worse. I really do think we should be more encouraging of letting people grieve as long as they need to and being supportive of that. **I just… don’t know how to**. You answered your own question, and you’re doing just the right thing: “…keep my mouth shut and let people do what they need to.” With healthy grieving, not when someone gets stuck like in the OP, people just need to talk and sometimes know that others care. It also helps for people to know that what they’re feeling is normal. That knowledge has helped me quite a bit. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2016, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/22 "2016-08-26T18:27:54Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Right you can just cut off close family members and that will have no repercussions at all. And it’s not like anyone actually cares or is concerned about their family member or friend. What? The person in question is neither a relative nor a personal acquaintance of the OP. > [@bobkitty](#): > > No one is being forced to follow it, but do those who are-particularly those close to the family IRL- have some level of responsibility to step in when things start going off the rails? Yes, I think so. I just wanted to underscore that the choice to be _involved_ is being made by the “follower” of the story–the protagonist isn’t dragging anyone into anything they didn’t ask for. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2016, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/23 "2016-08-26T18:46:25Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > There is a “friend-of-a-friend” similarly on FB, a single guy in his 40’s who lost his dog of about 14 years about 2 years ago. This guy can’t stop grieving over the loss of his dog. And he even brings it up randomly making comments in other people’s posts, like a picture of a kids birthday party and their family dog is in the background. I don’t know the guy but he seriously needs some help. I agree… getting that wound up over the loss of a dog is not normal. It’s perfectly ok for someone to still remember their old dogs fondly and maybe with a tear or two, years after they passed, but having it be a major focus of your communications two years after the fact is out there for sure. I’m of a mixed mind about the woman you mentioned though; losing a child is extremely hard, regardless of what stage of life they were in when it happened. But it does sound like she needs professional help- that’s not, for lack of a better term, healthy grieving. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2016, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/24 "2016-08-26T18:55:55Z")
I have zero medical/psychological training, but what I see is a woman who has crossed the line from “grieving” to “mental illness.” She got used to expressing herself via FB, and now it’s second nature even though her thoughts and feelings have taken a turn. She most likely doesn’t truly comprehend what she’s doing, and it’s no longer accurate to judge her by what a healthy person would/should do. I lost my mom in November, and have occasionally used FB as part of my grieving. I tend to publically mark the “firsts” – the first snow (she _loved_ snow), Mother’s Day, what would have been her birthday, etc. After a month or so I remember starting to feel self-conscious about talking about it too much; not wanting to bring others down or make it sound like I was stuck or looking for sympathy, etc. I used to always bug her about setting up a FB account, but now I’m glad she didn’t have one. I also just lost a good friend to suicide, and people have been all over FB as the news is spreading (most people just know that he died suddenly; only a handful know how). I’m posting less about my friend than I did about my mom: I found out on Monday morning, and so far I’ve only made one nonspecific “struggling with the sudden loss of a friend” post. A few people have posted on his page this week, and it’s always jarring to see his face suddenly pop up in my newsfeed. I imagine that will go on for a little while, or until his wife does something with his account. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2016, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/25 "2016-08-26T19:13:01Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Right you can just cut off close family members and that will have no repercussions at all. And it’s not like anyone actually cares or is concerned about their family member or friend. On Facebook? Yeah, you can, without them ever knowing. The point is, if someone’s grief is bothering you, you can and should set out boundaries for yourself. That doesn’t mean not being supportive when necessary. But the worst thing would be for them to pull you down, too, as now you can’t help. At least, that’s how I see it. I help for a while, then I pull myself out of it and go do something fun. I let people grieve who need to. But I don’t sit there and absorb it all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2016, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/26 "2016-08-26T20:36:22Z")
My two cents. I was a crisis counselor for a few years. I think the part that raises the hairs on my neck a bit are the statements that could be signs of wanting to self-harm or harm others. Other than those statements, let her publicly grieve all she likes. For many people, Facebook is how they reach their social circle. If the “harm” statements continue to nag at you, then you could consider whether to contact the husband or someone else in her circle (that I’m sure that Facebook has helpfully made available to you). If she becomes especially alarming, there is always asking the local authorities for a welfare check. Based just on what you’ve said, here’s what I would be looking at: public statements about intent, age of minor children in the home, repeat of any such activity. I think losing a child is very hard on any parent. It may be that a visit from Social Services would help to get the family connected to counseling and other services could help them turn the corner. Is it your responsibility? I don’t know, but it’s obviously bothering you. I would ask what harm it would cause if you did reach out (likely none) - weigh that against the potential benefit. ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2016, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/27 "2016-08-27T10:30:16Z")
I’ve got a friend who still posts pretty regular things about her dead husband (it’s been 4+ years). You should consider un-following the person if her posts bug you. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2016, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/28 "2016-08-27T17:18:31Z")
> [@Waxwinged](#): > > I’ve got a friend who still posts pretty regular things about her dead husband (it’s been 4+ years). You should consider un-following the person if her posts bug you. This has been mentioned a few times now but bears repeating. Facebook allows to unfollow people without them knowing. If someone is posting stuff you find objectionable simply unfriend them or hide their posts from your timeline. You may still see their posts in comments on other friend’s threads but you don’t have to get the firehose in the face if you don’t want to. It’s entirely your choice to have your nose to the window on their facebook lives. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2016, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/29 "2016-08-27T17:28:19Z")
I was raised to think that grief was private. You got a period of time for public grief, and then a period of time for public mourning (which isn’t the same as grief), and a lifetime to bring up memories - but not to the point where you bore others. There are reasons for this. One, we acknowledged the idea of trigger warnings long ago. My public mourning of my loss might trigger someone else, who is trying to move on. My mother in laws way of grieving has been four years of public Facebook posts - each one slams my husband back on the healing he is doing. You don’t get to unfriend your mother over your brother’s death. But her method of grieving is not healthy for him - and while he supports her method of grieving, it shouldn’t come at his expense. Another is that people not as close will move on…they haven’t forgotten, they just don’t need to spend the time - that is hurtful when you are still grieving. So you limit the opportunity for others to hurt you with their disinterest. And people judge - for some people a dog that has passed away years ago, or a miscarriage long ago isn’t a “real grief” event - and if it is a real grief event for you, you don’t need judgey comments. The internet lets everyone’s inner asshole out once in a while. Facebook is public grieving. Facebook is a big cocktail party - if you wouldn’t say it at a big party, keep it to yourself on Facebook. (Although people do need to learn appropriate cocktail party small talk - that’s a problem in itself). See a therapist - Facebook is not your therapist. Go to a grief group. Find others who want to mourn the loss the same way you do. But you don’t show up at a cocktail party talking about how life has ended because someone died. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2016, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924/30 "2016-08-27T22:55:09Z")
> [@astro](#): > > This has been mentioned a few times now but bears repeating. Facebook allows to unfollow people without them knowing. If someone is posting stuff you find objectionable simply unfriend them or hide their posts from your timeline. You may still see their posts in comments on other friend’s threads but you don’t have to get the firehose in the face if you don’t want to. It’s entirely your choice to have your nose to the window on their facebook lives. It’s been said several times, and it’s also been said several times that this is not a friend of mine, or someone I follow myself. Her posts pop up on my FB feed when my former stepdaughter comments on them. I would have to block her, not unfollow/hide or unfriend her, to not get her posts. Which is certainly a doable course of action, but it’s one I haven’t had a reason to take because her posts showed up maybe once or twice a month when her son was alive, and maybe once a week or so since he died. I don’t find it objectionable, I find it shocking that she is posting some of the things she’s posting- and that no one was stepping forward and questioning it- and I thought I’d get a feel for what others thought. There’s been some very insightful commentary and advice- thank you **Spice Weasl, Helena330, Dangerosa, Sunny Daze, Misnomer, faithfool, and Calatin.** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-online-grieving-when-does-it-cross-the-line/763924.md?page=1)