# Public Pooping Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 20, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808 "2010-10-20T18:56:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/41 "2010-10-22T13:14:14Z")
> [@newcrasher](#): > > What are your public pooping rules? Personally, I am a proponent of the courtesy flush to avoid stenchng up the place. I also have developed a real aptitude for timing fake coughs to cover the noise of my fecal deposit slipping into the water. > > What are you techniques? Do you care who hears? Who smells? Uh… I sort of expect people who are in a public toilet stall to be pissing and shitting. I mean, that’s what it is FOR - elimination of bodily wastes. Now, for a particularly odoriffic episode - courtesy flush and/or muttered apologies to anyone gagging in the vicinity, but really, people can’t help that their shit smells. That’s a more or less inherent property of shit. It has to be something really offensive before I bother, though. Thanks to good bowel habits and lots of fiber in my diet I generally unload in under a minute anyhow, so it’s not like a courtesy flush usually speeds up the process by more than 30 seconds anyhow. And with autoflush toilets it’s easier just to finish and stand up than try to figure out how to manually trigger a flush. Coughing, etc. to cover _sounds_ is just… ridiculous. I mean, I _still_ hear crap hitting the water in the bowl. You’re not fooling anyone. Why do people have to pretend they don’t extrude waste? So… public pooping rules: 1. Poop in the _toilet_, not on the floor, the sink, the urinal, in the waste bin, or anywhere else besides the toilet. (You would THINK this goes without saying, but apparently some people either don’t know this or are too drunk/high to care) 2. Minimize gratuitous grunting and groaning - it’s taking a shit, not giving birth. 3. For Big Stink courtesy flush/apologies 4. If you happen to make a mess _clean it up_ or at least let someone know who can get it cleaned up. Likewise, report clogs or other problems. 5. WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE LEAVING!!! ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/42 "2010-10-22T13:44:47Z")
> [@Ruby](#): > > I won’t courtesy flush. I read an article (I think here) about the mist that’s created by the flush which can contaminate up to 3’ away from the toilet. The last thing I want is a mist of poopy water covering my ass and girly bits. But then when you’re done and need to flush before leaving the stall, what do you do? Open the door, stretch out to flush, and run like hell to avoid the microscopic fecal cloud? ---
**Author:** ![pyromyte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d26b3c/32.png) [@pyromyte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pyromyte)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/43 "2010-10-22T14:50:29Z")
> [@newcrasher](#): > > 1. Poop in the _toilet_, not on the floor, the sink, the urinal, in the waste bin, or anywhere else besides the toilet. (You would THINK this goes without saying, but apparently some people either don’t know this or are too drunk/high to care) > > 2. Minimize gratuitous grunting and groaning - it’s taking a shit, not giving birth. > > 3. For Big Stink courtesy flush/apologies > > 4. If you happen to make a mess _clean it up_ or at least let someone know who can get it cleaned up. Likewise, report clogs or other problems. > > 5. WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE LEAVING!!! And please, for the love of God, if you’re going to pick your nose while you’re in the stall, don’t wipe it on the wall. Jesus! There’s toilet paper right there! I really don’t want to see your giant, green, slightly bloody boogs! BTW, this happens at my office..disgusting people. I want to print your rules and post them in the bathroom, but they’ll prolly wind up with a booger stuck on it. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/44 "2010-10-22T15:56:27Z")
I’m like James Hetfield in there the louder the drop are quickly followed by a YEAHHH! BAZINGA !!! or KA-BOOM!!! If you have a friend in the next stall you can have a great game of battleshits. Other than not pissing on the seats and not flushing. I pretty much don’t care what goes on in there. ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/45 "2010-10-22T16:42:58Z")
I’m in there dropping bombs, I don’t apologize for shit. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/46 "2010-10-22T17:21:51Z")
And in response to all the graffitti professing your love and devotion: **Give your guy a little class Don’t write his name where you wipe your ass** ---
**Author:** ![Walmarticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Walmarticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walmarticus)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/47 "2010-10-22T18:05:28Z")
oh please. The stall is one of the only places where you’re effectively anonymous in public. As long as you’re not wearing distinctive shoes, you can slink away without anyone being the wiser to your true identity. In that case, I say make the most of it. Go dramatic: “ohmygodohmygodohmygod HUUUUUUUuuuuuuR!” Then go intrigued: “Huh.” Then go incredulous: “WTF?” Bring it to a close with resignation: “sigh, buffets.” As long as you don’t take a bow when you rejoin society, you’ll be just another schlub. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/48 "2010-10-22T21:43:40Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Of course they poop. It just smells like fresh-cut violets, that’s all. > > At least that’s what I hear. If I were to poop, which I don’t, it would smell like fresh-cut violets. > [@MegaBee](#): > > I’m in there dropping bombs, I don’t apologize for shit. _Ba dum kssh!_ ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/49 "2010-10-22T23:52:49Z")
> [@pyromyte](#): > > And please, for the love of God, if you’re going to pick your nose while you’re in the stall, don’t wipe it on the wall. Jesus! There’s toilet paper right there! I really don’t want to see your giant, green, slightly bloody boogs! BTW, this happens at my office..disgusting people. > > I want to print your rules and post them in the bathroom, but they’ll prolly wind up with a booger stuck on it. Rule #6: POST NO BOOGERS! THIS MEANS YOU! ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/50 "2010-10-23T00:24:58Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Poop! That’s where I’m a Viking! 😃 This board needs a “like” button. ---
**Author:** ![festiva76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e8cbc/32.png) [@festiva76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/festiva76)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/51 "2010-10-23T14:43:37Z")
> [@pyromyte](#): > > And please, for the love of God, if you’re going to pick your nose while you’re in the stall, don’t wipe it on the wall. Jesus! There’s toilet paper right there! I really don’t want to see your giant, green, slightly bloody boogs! BTW, this happens at my office..disgusting people. > > I want to print your rules and post them in the bathroom, but they’ll prolly wind up with a booger stuck on it. We actually had a funny memo posted at work about this three years ago. I don’t remember the exact wording, but it basically described what a booger was, and that everyone has them. I do remember the last line: “Please refrain from placing boogers on the walls of the restrooms.” I actually took one of the memos down, copied it, and brought it home to show the wife. Both of us got a great laugh out of it. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2010, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/52 "2010-10-24T13:43:49Z")
> [@Walmarticus](#): > > oh please. > > The stall is one of the only places where you’re effectively anonymous in public. As long as you’re not wearing distinctive shoes, you can slink away without anyone being the wiser to your true identity. > > In that case, I say make the most of it. Go dramatic: “ohmygodohmygodohmygod HUUUUUUUuuuuuuR!” Then go intrigued: “Huh.” Then go incredulous: “WTF?” Bring it to a close with resignation: “sigh, buffets.” > > As long as you don’t take a bow when you rejoin society, you’ll be just another schlub. I had a friend once that loved to yell “Its a BOY!!” while shitting in the school bathroom. Used to crack me up every time. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/53 "2010-10-24T18:18:09Z")
> [@newcrasher](#): > > While I was at the urinal he was in a stall ripping farts, splattering the bowl, and (from the sound of it) dropping handfuls of gravel into the bowl. > > What are your public pooping rules? Personally, I am a proponent of the courtesy flush to avoid stenchng up the place. You’re in the shitter, that is exactly where you’re supposed to make nasty noisys and bad smells. I agree with Mangetout, AskNott, etc. Wasting precious natural resources by a useless “courtesy flush” just pegs you are someone who cares more about what others think about your bathroom habits than the environment. I roll my eyes at idiots who flush the urinal before and/or during use. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/54 "2010-10-24T18:19:19Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Uh… I sort of expect people who are in a public toilet stall to be pissing and shitting. I mean, that’s what it is FOR - elimination of bodily wastes. > > So… public pooping rules: > > 1. Poop in the _toilet_, not on the floor, the sink, the urinal, in the waste bin, or anywhere else besides the toilet. (You would THINK this goes without saying, but apparently some people either don’t know this or are too drunk/high to care) > > 2. Minimize gratuitous grunting and groaning - it’s taking a shit, not giving birth. > > 3. For Big Stink courtesy flush/apologies > > 4. If you happen to make a mess _clean it up_ or at least let someone know who can get it cleaned up. Likewise, report clogs or other problems. > > 5. WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE LEAVING!!! Yes to all but #3 which is useless and a waste of water. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2010, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/55 "2010-10-25T13:16:10Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Poop! That’s where I’m a Viking! Yanno, I totally get the appeal for Viking stoves, refrigerators, etc. So… why isn’t there a Viking toilet? Cast iron, sound system, self-cleaning, cup holder and heated seats, it would be the ultimate in providing a courtesy durfing experience for everyone within a 50 ft. radius. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808/56 "2010-10-26T17:40:15Z")
> [@Antigen](#): > > But then when you’re done and need to flush before leaving the stall, what do you do? Open the door, stretch out to flush, and run like hell to avoid the microscopic fecal cloud? No, but I also don’t hover my face down at the bowl where my ass is sitting during said courtesy flush. > [@lieu](#): > > Yanno, I totally get the appeal for Viking stoves, refrigerators, etc. So… why isn’t there a Viking toilet? Cast iron, sound system, self-cleaning, cup holder and heated seats, it would be the ultimate in providing a courtesy durfing experience for everyone within a 50 ft. radius. Tim “The Toolman” Taylor had one of these on his show. It was a recliner/toilet with a flat screen TV, mini-fridge, and lots of stainless steel. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-pooping-protocol/557808.md?page=2)