# Public toilet texts **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 3, 2001, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224 "2001-01-03T13:01:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Boomfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/db5fbb/32.png) [@Boomfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boomfly)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/1 "2001-01-03T13:01:41Z")
Anybody know any good public toilet texts? The kind that allways make a man miss what he is aiming for when he’s in there? My favourite is: Here I sit and hesitate shall I sh\*t or masturbate? ---
**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/2 "2001-01-03T14:07:43Z")
I am not sure what a pulic toilet is but my favourite little sets of words often written on bathroom walls involve debasing a local authority. One that I saw that was really funny was for a good time call “local newscaster’s name” and gave the local number to the TV station (they had a crime caller thing that he supposedly investigated). I laughed for about three seconds. HUGS! Sqrl ---
**Author:** ![Boomfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/db5fbb/32.png) [@Boomfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boomfly)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/3 "2001-01-03T14:20:02Z")
LOL Sqrl, I should have said Public conveniences to the native British-Enlish speakers, Restrooms to the US-English speakers and toilets to the rest of us. I stand corrected ---
**Author:** ![Boomfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/db5fbb/32.png) [@Boomfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boomfly)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/4 "2001-01-03T14:25:49Z")
And i really really think there should be a rule against making typos in your very first Thread title. maybe ill ban myself for a day or two, just to make it clear 😉 ---
**Author:** ![orion007](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e480ec/32.png) [@orion007](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/orion007)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/5 "2001-01-03T14:26:09Z")
I found these in [this site](http://coolsig.com/bin/getsig?graffiti) and I thought they were pretty funny: (Left Wall) For toilet tennis, look right. (Right Wall) For toilet tennis, look left. Your child’s future is in your hands. (seen above a urinal) Don’t read this you fool, Watch what you’re doing! - Gents Lavatory - London ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/6 "2001-01-03T17:17:53Z")
I still smile sometimes when I see someone has scratched of the letters on the hand dryer to read: 1. Push Butt (Push Button) 2. Rub Hands under arm (Rub hands under warm air) 3. Dry hands on pants (added on) ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/7 "2001-01-03T17:32:14Z")
The women’s bathroom at the Kopper King tavern collected some good ones. “Go for broke!! Marry a miner!!” “There are males, and there are men. And so pitifully few of the latter!” Tisiphone ---
**Author:** ![BornDodgy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19b73/32.png) [@BornDodgy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BornDodgy)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/8 "2001-01-03T17:56:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by orion007 \* > \*\* > (Left Wall) For toilet tennis, look right. (Right Wall) For toilet tennis, look left. > \*\* LOL! I often take the invitation to toilet tennis at school (of course only on the toilet 😉 ) It is not what you are looking for, but the “wash your hands before you leave!” sign in some British toilets always makes me smile… :rolleyes: who is yuckie enough not to wash her/his hands wouldnt change his mind cause of that sign… something that should be written on a toilet wall is a poem by a girl from the SAAN forum: Sex is good Sex is great But until the right time Masturbate I ll have to add taht to the school toilet I think… ---
**Author:** ![idiotboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@idiotboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/idiotboy)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/9 "2001-01-03T18:14:52Z")
This one seems to be a standard in most men’s stalls…I’ve seen it in several… **Here I sit, Broken-hearted. Came to shit, But only farted.** Still makes me giggle… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![idiotboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@idiotboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/idiotboy)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/10 "2001-01-03T18:20:26Z")
Now that I’ve been trying to recall…in a local bar, Bernie’s Distillery, where a great many bands play, there are band stickers plastered all over the bathroom, with various insults to their lead singers/guitarists/bassists/drummers/horn players/keyboardists/triangle players scrawled beside them. Some of them are quite amusing. I’ll bring a steno pad to jot some down next time we have a gig there! ---
**Author:** ![KJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b2d939/32.png) [@KJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KJ)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/11 "2001-01-03T19:41:36Z")
Man, these are great. I think there was another thread on restroom poetry a while ago, though. The only submissions I have are: Here I sit, Ass a-flexin’, Just gave birth To another Texan (I didn’t actually see it in a restroom, this is from the other SDMB thread. I still remember it.) And one that I actually saw: I forgot where it was, but there was a sign that said “Please wash hands after using the toilet.” Somebody put black tape over the letters so that it said “Please wash hands ----- --in- the toilet.” I can just imagine. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/12 "2001-01-03T19:56:32Z")
Most of the stuff on restroom walls is useless venom. Once, though, I saw one that said, “King Norton is so nasty that he has to sneak up on his own dick to take a leak.” I never worked for King Norton, but I never heard his name without some reference to a terminal digestive port. ---
**Author:** ![Lowellster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/2bfe46/32.png) [@Lowellster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowellster)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/13 "2001-01-03T19:57:45Z")
Here I sit in my own vapor, the last asshole used all the paper. I’m late for class, I must not linger. Look out ass, here comes my finger! ---
**Author:** ![aviddiva](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@aviddiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aviddiva)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/14 "2001-01-03T20:06:38Z")
My favourites are always the ongoing dialogues, like this one: “LICK MY CUNT” “Lick your own cunt, you stupid bitch!” “Can you lick your cunt? I wish I could” “Maybe if you ask her really nicely” “Only losers write on bathroom walls, you fucking dykes!” …to which there really is no adequate response. Others (solo entries): “My man is so cool. He says I have the whitest teeth he’s ever come across.” “Dyslexics Untie!!” “Guilt without sex” …And maybe we could assume that the fecally-focussed quatraines are all widely known or, at the very least, pointlessly repetitive, and omit them (please?). ---
**Author:** ![Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommy_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/15 "2001-01-03T20:22:03Z")
A bar I went to in college had one of the biggest graffiti areas I’ve ever seen, just above the urinals. I would go in and not leave until I had found the following: “The fat man walks alone, he carries no umbrella.” Regardless of how much beer I drank, I couldn’t quite get a handle on that one. ---
**Author:** ![hypergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@hypergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hypergirl)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/16 "2001-01-03T20:46:11Z")
This is a teepee to go peepee, not a wigwam to beat your tom-tom. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/17 "2001-01-03T20:46:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by xizor \* > \*\*I still smile sometimes when I see someone has scratched of the letters on the hand dryer to read: > > 1. Push Butt (Push Button) > 2. Rub Hands under arm (Rub hands under warm air) > 3. Dry hands on pants (added on) \*\* The one I see the most is: Push Butt Rub Hands (or dick) Under Arm Air Stops Atomically ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/18 "2001-01-03T22:53:17Z")
> [@](#): > > I am not sure what a pulic toilet is At least you didn’t mistype it "_pubic_. ---
**Author:** ![Boomfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/db5fbb/32.png) [@Boomfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boomfly)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2001, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/19 "2001-01-03T22:57:47Z")
😃 ---
**Author:** ![longjohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@longjohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/longjohn)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2001, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224/20 "2001-01-04T16:38:36Z")
O Cloacina, Goddess of this place Look upon thy supplicants with smiling face Grant that their offerings may flow Neither rashly swift, nor insolently slow Lifted from a novel by Stephen Fry (the Hippopotamus, I think) J. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/public-toilet-texts/48224.md?page=2)