# Purposeful Social Infiltration in Different Circles **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 7, 2026, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275 "2026-03-07T04:43:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eric1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@Eric1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric1)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/1 "2026-03-07T04:43:22Z")
I socialize with groups I don’t identify. The dissonance sure could be too much sometimes. The fun group I attend is a general 12 Step meeting next door to my place. No one suspects I’m a dry and I think I’m a little bad going there but it’s a fun place to hang out twice a week. I am unfortunately a chameleon in that way. Which social groups do you sometimes attend like that, where you’re not part of the in-crowd? Do you ever feel unethical about it? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/2 "2026-03-07T04:53:35Z")
In any political group, I always feel like an imposer or infiltrator. I’m generally too right-wing for the lefties and too left-wing for the righties. As an Asian, I’ve also often gone into various other Asian groups of different ethnicities than mine (such as Korean, Japanese, etc.) and lasted a long time before anyone realized I wasn’t one of them (since almost all discussion was in English.) I’m not sure why you put this in the BBQ Pit though? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/3 "2026-03-07T05:12:03Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > No one suspects I’m a dry and I think I’m a little bad going there but it’s a fun place to hang out twice a week. I am unfortunately a chameleon in that way. I think I already saw this movie. [![](https://filmsane.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/marla_out-750x375.jpg) ](https://filmsane.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/marla_out-750x375.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Eric1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@Eric1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric1)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/4 "2026-03-07T05:13:14Z")
I’ve liked the BBQ Pit basically throughout my short time on this site. I know people on this site can be sometimes ferocious in this department but the moderation in other departments is many times more strict. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/5 "2026-03-07T05:15:46Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > The fun group I attend is a general 12 Step meeting next door to my place. No one suspects I’m a dry and I think I’m a little bad going there but it’s a fun place to hang out twice a week. Seriously? How do you think they’d feel if they knew? ---
**Author:** ![Eric1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@Eric1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric1)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/6 "2026-03-07T05:27:37Z")
Yes it’s bad form so I should quit going. I’ve got three close friends in my neighborhood too. When I’m with them, I’m not motivated to play a role. It’s much better for everyone there. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/7 "2026-03-07T05:43:13Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > Yes it’s bad form so I should quit going. Makes me think of this scene from Better Call Saul. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/W19ipDrIOQI/maxresdefault.jpg "Mike Calls Out the Faker in Group Therapy | Better Call Saul") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W19ipDrIOQI&t=167) ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUBv.2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanubv.2/32/3260_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUBv.2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUBv.2)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/8 "2026-03-07T06:02:35Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > No one suspects I’m a dry and I think I’m a little bad going there but it’s a fun place to hang out twice a week. I am Have you “fake shared”, or otherwise lied to people directly? Do you stand up each time and say “Hi, I’m Eric1, and I’m an alcoholic”? I guess it depends on how big a web you’ve spun. ---
**Author:** ![Eric1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@Eric1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric1)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/9 "2026-03-07T14:34:49Z")
Actually I’ve been only to the large general introductory AA meetings where there are a hundred people listening to the two speakers. I’ve shaken hands with some of the members and eaten their cake. I’ve never told them anything about myself in the ten times I’ve been there. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2026, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/10 "2026-03-07T14:54:01Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > Yes it’s bad form so I should quit going. It’s not just “bad form,” it violates a fundamental principle of 12-Step/AA work, which is scrupulous honesty. 🧐 OTOH, if this is an “open” meeting, then anyone can attend, but you still need to be honest and not claim to be an alcoholic. [“_Open_ meeting of A.A. is a group meeting that any member of the community, alcoholic or nonalcoholic, may attend. Nonalcoholics may attend opens meetings as observers.”](https://www.aa.org/faq/what-open-meeting) ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/11 "2026-03-08T01:44:38Z")
It was part of a plot arc in _Shameless_, too. Frank Gallagher gets invited to live with him; they meet in AA. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/12 "2026-03-08T01:56:39Z")
My MIL once took me to an open meeting of her AA group. I think i introduced myself as her DIL. It was very interesting. She was pissed that i thought it was religious, though. I’m something of a religious tourist, and have been to a wide variety of religious services in religions I’m not a member of. I’ve never lied about it. To the extent that i introduce myself to anyone (varies a lot by group) i tell them that I’m visiting because I’m interested in religious services. The mosque i visited had a whole section for tourists, and i wasn’t the only one there. And also, that was a very moving service. One of the most moving services I’ve attended. > [@Eric1](#): > > Which social groups do you sometimes attend like that, where you’re not part of the in-crowd? Do you ever feel unethical about it? I’ve gone to other events that i didn’t really belong to, too. But I’ve never presented myself as anything other than what i am, and I’ve never felt unethical about it. ---
**Author:** ![Eric1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@Eric1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric1)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/13 "2026-03-08T03:05:08Z")
I appreciate the posts from everyone and think my use of an example was off base. I’m going to try to think of another real life example sometime soon. Or maybe I’ll decide my perception was bad. I’ll still work on it because I’m potentially interested in such examples. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/14 "2026-03-08T06:39:08Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > I should quit … But you feel you can’t stop. It’s an addiction that you need support to kick … if you could only find the right group to help you with that. I have felt not part of the in crowd almost everywhere my whole life. I’d WAG that describes quite a few of us here. But Woody Allan, scum as he may be, can be bastardized here: do you want to be part of a club that would have you as a member? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/15 "2026-03-08T06:47:29Z")
My local newspaper used to have a columnist named Bill Wundram (RIP). Pre-Internet, he did a column after he went on a cruise with his wife, and there were posters all over the ship advertising assorted activities. There was one, several times a day, in different parts of the boat, called “Friends of Bill W.” He told his wife, “I have got to find out what this is all about.” He walked into a meeting room, where there were some people he recognized and others he didn’t, and introduced himself: “My name’s Bill Wundram, and I’m curious: Who is this Bill W. and why does he have so many friends?” They all kind of looked at each other and said, “Ahem, you probably don’t belong here” and then explained that Bill W. was the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. Oops! > **[Bill Wundram Obituary (2023) - Davenport, IA - Quad-City Times](https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/qctimes/name/bill-wundram-obituary?id=45756595)** > > View Bill Wundram's obituary, send flowers and sign the guestbook. ---
**Author:** ![ParallelLines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/parallellines/32/3575_2.png) [@ParallelLines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParallelLines)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/16 "2026-03-08T06:57:54Z")
Yes, for certain values of _socializing_. I ghost several online forums on firearms, because I own several and target shoot. Yes, I have taken appropriate safety classes including live fire, and have a CCW though I’ll _probably_ let it lapse next year. And yes, I have a very secure vault style safe for the long arms and biometric for the pistols, with no children in the house. So sometimes, when I want information on how to better zero a weapon, break it down for cleaning, or accuracy tips, I want the feedback from the community. But by the noodles of the FSM, damn they are toxic as heck when it comes to anything touching on “libruls” or gun legislation, much of which I voted for, including the new Colorado state tax on firearms and ammunition. And even if I’m only witnessing it, it gives me the shivers sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/17 "2026-03-08T07:42:51Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > But Woody Allan, scum as he may be, can be bastardized here: do you want to be part of a club that would have you as a member? More commonly attributed to Groucho Marx. ---
**Author:** ![Eric1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@Eric1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric1)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/18 "2026-03-08T10:23:16Z")
I spoke with my longtime friend Jimmy about this yesterday at a wake at our teacher’s funeral. I showed him this thread and he said “Is this you?” with a knowing smile. Jimmy said my strength is gently and yet persistently building relationships. He said I’m different but should take that as a compliment. Since he’s been a clinical psychologist for twenty years, his remarks work for me. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/19 "2026-03-08T13:35:41Z")
Ach. Correct. Another fictional version of - plot line of _Eleanor The Great_ in which June Squibb plays someone who ends up in a social group that she doesn’t quite belong. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2026, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275/20 "2026-03-08T21:10:27Z")
> [@Eric1](#): > > The fun group I attend is a general 12 Step meeting next door to my place. No one suspects I’m a dry… I have a friend who wants me to crash an AA meeting. He claims I’ll see the love and acceptance that other groups (like a church) wish they had. He’s offered to coach me on how to act like I’m in recovery … > [@Eric1](#): > > I’ve shaken hands with some of the members and eaten their cake. Well, if there’s _cake,_ then I’ll do as much acting as I need to! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/purposeful-social-infiltration-in-different-circles/1028275.md?page=2)