# Put her back in the closet **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 21, 2017, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858 "2017-09-21T04:46:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/41 "2017-09-22T14:22:58Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > And that would be equally true whether the kid was hetero, homo, non-typical, or any other conceivable option. Most parents struggle with their kid getting sexual far earlier than the parent is comfortable with. But it’s a struggle the parent needs to get right. Exactly so. My daughter is **nine** and is just starting to deal with the onset of certain bodily changes, necessitating the first few in what will be a long series of …delicate… conversations over the next several years. I hold no illusions that she will be the same innocent child she’s always been forever. All we can do is help her navigate the changes as best we can. If I hope that we don’t have to deal with the same sort of conversations as the OP in time, it is merely to spare our child more challenges than she and her peers will already face. And if we do, we’ll take them as they come. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/42 "2017-09-22T15:00:32Z")
> [@HubZilla](#): > > Thank you all for the feedback. I’m sure she is as confused as we are about this, so we have set up an appointment with a psychologist to make sure we’re handling it the right way. I do realize we’re very contradictory, in that > > 1. we support her > 2. she’s 12 and shouldn’t know yet > 3. keep it on the downlow if it’s just a phase. > > It’s all part of what we’re figuring how to handle this fast-moving change. So, yeah, we don’t know what to do and still don’t know if she understands. > > We did talk her into dropping the Alex and “he” in school. We put it in terms of “what’s easier for the teacher and students right now.” We injected some humor by saying “I try to insist my reports at call me Thundarr, the Barbarian”, and got some chuckles out of her. The lightened mood ended in hugs. > > We stopped short on any other discussions until the appointment. Gotta disagree with many posters, in that this post conveys to me that you are being both supportive and responsible parents. Supporting a child does not mean immediately acquiescing to their every wish. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/43 "2017-09-22T15:20:35Z")
Seeing an expert as a family is a fantastic next step. 12 is more than old enough to know if there’s a transgender issue. One thing I want to make clear, sexuality and gender are two entirely different things. Unfortunately they are often conflated, especially with people who are new to the concepts. Whether they are truly bi or gay can be experimented with, and for someone with XX chromosomes, sexuality can be more fluid and changeable throughout life. Gender, on the other hand, is a bit more hard wired. If a child says they’re in the wrong body, they have likely felt that way from a very, very young age, and won’t want to change back once they feel “right.” These are the kinds of thing getting expert counseling can help with the whole family to suss out what’s really going on and how to proceed. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/44 "2017-09-22T15:34:45Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Gotta disagree with many posters, in that this post conveys to me that you are being both supportive and responsible parents. Supporting a child does not mean immediately acquiescing to their every wish. Fair enough, but comparing a child that is identifying as male with not wanting to be called a nickname can also be seen as diminishing a very real issue… This is not a wish - the child is struggling with a key aspect of who they are, and that needs to be supported ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/45 "2017-09-22T15:45:06Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Gotta disagree with many posters, in that this post conveys to me that you are being both supportive and responsible parents. Supporting a child does not mean immediately acquiescing to their every wish. The main problem with waiting till they’re older is that the changes that come with puberty are irreversible. Men who come out as trans when they’re adults often end up looking like a man in a dress and makeup. If puberty is delayed, till the child is a bit older and knows for certain that they are a different gender, then they can live their lives looking physically more like their gender. I know that is a cumbersome sentence but this issue needs to be addressed very early in life, preferably before puberty, to have the best outcome. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/46 "2017-09-22T18:44:07Z")
> [@Elemenopy](#): > > My daughter began identifying as “other” around age 13. I didn’t assume it was a phase or not, but I did have issues with her 15 yo girlfriend at the time. Her father and I had been divorced, and he was ok with her having sleepovers at her girlfriend’s house and vice versa because “well, we don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant.” basically) I was ok with ordinary daytime visits/dates/whatever the equivalent is, but not ok with overnights–just as I wouldn’t allow my son to have his girlfriend spend the night at my house age 13-15. > > Regardless, my daughter’s girlfriend was very pushy and overbearing, and there were a lot of overly sexual text messages I stumbled upon, and inappropriate sexual behaviour in front of my younger children, and when I tried to put my foot down, I got accused of being homophobic and unsupportive. That wasn’t and isn’t the case. I considered myself basically omnisexual starting from my teens, and I do think it is appropriate (in our niche in society, anyway) to try to limit/balance sexual exposure at a young age…especially when it seems like an older kid is taking advantage. I had the riot act read to me, my daughter thrown into LGBT counseling where I was immediately presented as combative and bigoted (never the case) and 4-5 years later, I’m just beginning to not be “the bad guy.” > > HubZilla, I wish you and your child the best of luck. These are weird times, possibly even more difficult than the previous generation. This is something that needs to be addressed. A VERY militant LGBTQ community who plants ideas into whatever kids in can get its claws into. THEY of course, are this beautiful, all knowing, wise community and you the parent, are these backwards controlling bigoted idiots simply because you don’t do everything they ask. They are YOUR kids. Not theirs. I think your objections were perfectly reasonable. Sex too early is wrong and I don’t see why gay sex should be exempted. Their is nothing wrong about a parent saying the word “NO”. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/47 "2017-09-22T18:49:45Z")
> [@HubZilla](#): > > Thank you all for the feedback. I’m sure she is as confused as we are about this, so we have set up an appointment with a psychologist to make sure we’re handling it the right way. I do realize we’re very contradictory, in that > > 1. we support her > 2. she’s 12 and shouldn’t know yet > 3. keep it on the downlow if it’s just a phase. > > It’s all part of what we’re figuring how to handle this fast-moving change. So, yeah, we don’t know what to do and still don’t know if she understands. > > We did talk her into dropping the Alex and “he” in school. We put it in terms of “what’s easier for the teacher and students right now.” We injected some humor by saying “I try to insist my reports at call me Thundarr, the Barbarian”, and got some chuckles out of her. The lightened mood ended in hugs. > > We stopped short on any other discussions until the appointment. I think you are doing a great job and please don’t let some radical gay therapist steal your kid from you. Nobody says parents have to bow to the wishes of a 12 year old. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/48 "2017-09-22T19:02:16Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > This is something that needs to be addressed. A VERY militant LGBTQ community who plants ideas into whatever kids in can get its claws into. I agree-irrational fears and hatreds certainly need to be addressed, and I’m sure that the professional therapist you consult with will touch on that subject. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/49 "2017-09-22T19:12:58Z")
I hope to hell you didn’t post your thread on a family computer ! It would be really horrible if your daughter was to see the ‘title’ of your thread ! You’re no WAY your child "supportive " using this as your title "Put her back in the closet " ! Have you even thought of how this would made your child feel ??!! ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/50 "2017-09-22T20:14:01Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I think you are doing a great job and please don’t let some radical gay therapist steal your kid from you. Nobody says parents have to bow to the wishes of a 12 year old. If your child confessed a hetero crush would you be worried about that? Also your attitude toward the LGBTQ community is frankly disgusting. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/51 "2017-09-22T20:29:26Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > If your child confessed a hetero crush would you be worried about that? > > Also your attitude toward the LGBTQ community is frankly disgusting. His idea that \*\*most \*\*people go through “a gay phrase” is quite telling. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/52 "2017-09-22T20:32:00Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I think you are doing a great job and please don’t let some radical gay therapist steal your kid from you. Nobody says parents have to bow to the wishes of a 12 year old. Why do you think this? You don’t think professional psychologists are there to actually help? Do you think if you went to one with suicidal tendencies that the first thing the doctor would do is talk you into suicide? These professionals help navigate options and make sure you’re not acting on a whim. It takes months and months, perhaps a year of therapy to arrive at any decision. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/53 "2017-09-22T20:33:07Z")
I never went through a “gay phase”. I never went through a “hetero phase” either, for that matter. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/54 "2017-09-22T21:23:46Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > His idea that \*\*most \*\*people go through “a gay phrase” is quite telling. Reminds me of all those anti-gay preachers who “wrestle with demons” most of us never meet, even though we wouldn’t consider them “demons” even if we did. ---
**Author:** ![Fiveroptic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiveroptic/32/8257_2.png) [@Fiveroptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiveroptic)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/55 "2017-09-22T21:39:04Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > This is something that needs to be addressed. A VERY militant LGBTQ community who plants ideas into whatever kids in can get its claws into. THEY of course, are this beautiful, all knowing, wise community and you the parent, are these backwards controlling bigoted idiots simply because you don’t do everything they ask. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/56 "2017-09-22T22:17:48Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I think you are doing a great job and please don’t let some radical gay therapist steal your kid from you. Nobody says parents have to bow to the wishes of a 12 year old. I think you’re confused. The person in question has not seen any therapists yet, radical or otherwise. Alex decided he’s Alex because he’s a young person, growing up and learning to be confident in his self-identity. It’s a natural process - not something an evil gay therapist forced on him. HubZilla - you seem strongly bound up in worry about what other people will think of your kid’s identity. I think it would be worthwhile for you talk to a therapist on your own, as well, to explore your own personal feelings about your son’s self-identity and how it relates to your own self-identity. What would it mean to you if your son was transgender? What do you think it would say about you? How might you handle future situations, like prom or sports teams? And honestly - your comparing your made up identity of Thunderer, King of the Monthly Reports to what might be an honest attempt at truthfulness on your kid’s part is really not encouraging. I think you’d benefit from some personal inventory taking here, in addition to your family events. I also think you need to be clear that going to family therapy is not just a matter of getting a doctor to back you up on your concerns. The process should be about getting to the truth of the matter, not shutting it all down. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/57 "2017-09-22T22:21:18Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Gotta disagree with many posters, in that this post conveys to me that you are being both supportive and responsible parents. Which part seems supportive to you, the part where the OP still insists that 12 year olds can’t possibly know they’re LGBTQ so his kid should just shut up about it already, or the part where the family has a hearty laugh about how ridiculous transgender people are? I do think it’s within the realm of possibility that the OP’s child isn’t really transgender, but **HubZilla** seems oddly untroubled by the question of why a 12 year old girl who _isn’t_ transgender would cook up an elaborate scheme to get into the boys’ bathroom at school. I can think of a number of possibilities, ranging from “she’s a lying troublemaker” to “she’s being bullied in the girls’ bathroom”, and any of them would be cause for concern. Telling the kid that this transgender thing is just a silly phase isn’t helpful or supportive regardless of what the actual issue is. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/58 "2017-09-23T00:13:41Z")
I want ot ask this gently, because I believe these people may do the right thing for their exploring/questioning dau/son…Has anybody with teens noticed there are more LGBTQ kids than there used to be…or were they just on the down low and hidden (in the closet)…my 18yr old has probably 4 friends that have LGBTQ ,I don’t really know what to call it…maybe …lifestyles. I 've met them all …nice kids. I feel for them though…all have family problems stemming from these differing lifestyles… One is her best friend since grade school…he came out to us first. I encouraged him to talk to his mom.It went really bad…he moved in with grandparents…mom now hates me… (another story)…he is fully living as a male now…but as I say…I was just wondering is it more out now or are there more kids identifying as different from their sex at birth? ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/59 "2017-09-23T00:26:55Z")
> [@Merneith](#): > > I also think you need to be clear that going to family therapy is not just a matter of getting a doctor to back you up on your concerns. The process should be about getting to the truth of the matter, not shutting it all down. Quite so. If the counseling process is entered wth a specific end answer in mind it is going to be tougher than it has to be. For ALL parties. (And never mind if the well gets poisoned with claims that the counseling profession is somehow in on a conspiracy) ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/60 "2017-09-23T00:48:04Z")
IMO you also get bonus points for posting your question on a forum such as this, where you could be sure to receive fervent opinions of various types. Do you best to choose what you believe to be right for you and yours. Given your posts, I suspect you know full well that however well-intentioned you are and no matter how hard you try, you may be making a mistake. And if you get everything right on THIS issue, when your kid is an adult be assured they will likely be able to inform you of several other ways in which you fucked up as a parent. And you know what? Some kids grow up to be unhappy or unfulfilled for some reason or another - and it isn’t always the parent’s fault. As long as you are not making your choices out of convenience, laziness, ignorance, and inflexibility, when your kid is grown up and moved out you can congratulate yourself on doing a difficult job well. Everyone else in this thread is free to fuck up their kids pretty much however they see fit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858.md?page=4)