# Put her back in the closet **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 21, 2017, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858 "2017-09-21T04:46:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/61 "2017-09-23T01:05:03Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Has anybody with teens noticed there are more LGBTQ kids than there used to be…or were they just on the down low and hidden (in the closet) Given the number of kids I knew growing up who came out after they were adults, I’m guessing the actual percentage probably hasn’t changed. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/62 "2017-09-23T01:11:47Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I want ot ask this gently, because I believe these people may do the right thing for their exploring/questioning dau/son…Has anybody with teens noticed there are more LGBTQ kids than there used to be…or were they just on the down low and hidden (in the closet)…my 18yr old has probably 4 friends that have LGBTQ ,I don’t really know what to call it…maybe …lifestyles. I 've met them all …nice kids. I feel for them though…all have family problems stemming from these differing lifestyles… One is her best friend since grade school…he came out to us first. I encouraged him to talk to his mom.It went really bad…he moved in with grandparents…mom now hates me… (another story)…he is fully living as a male now…but as I say…I was just wondering is it more out now or are there more kids identifying as different from their sex at birth? No. It’s always been this way. My kid’s psychologist estimated the suicide rate at 50% for kids who didn’t come out or have family support. I’m sure you can infer that the more socially acceptable these things become, the more willing people are to come out. (And could you please stop with the … and just punctuate correctly? A single period and capital letters for the next sentence perhaps?) ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/63 "2017-09-23T02:35:26Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Given the number of kids I knew growing up who came out after they were adults, I’m guessing the actual percentage probably hasn’t changed. I agree. Some were a big surprise and others weren’t. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/64 "2017-09-23T03:10:43Z")
Leaffan…i like the dots. What is wrong with them? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/65 "2017-09-23T03:12:23Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Leaffan…i like the dots. What is wrong with them? They’re annoying and make your posts hard to read. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/66 "2017-09-23T03:17:02Z")
How can they make it hard to read? That is a pause, I am thinking, It proves I have a brain…I think!? ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/67 "2017-09-23T03:18:37Z")
I am totally teachable, so I will take it under advisement! ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/68 "2017-09-23T05:36:42Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Yes I know everything today says just support them but I beg to differ. YOUR the adults in the room. YOU have your values, Hollywood has theirs. WTFH does “Hollywood” have to do with this? Oh wait, transgender is somehow a liberal Hollywood plot, right… :smack: ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/69 "2017-09-23T05:41:25Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I am totally teachable, so I will take it under advisement! Ditto what Leaffan said. The dots make your posts hard to read, and give your writing less weight. Effective writing needs thought put into the mechanics as well as the ideas. And you seem to have good ideas, so you should make the most of the delivery. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/70 "2017-09-23T05:43:23Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Why do you think this? You don’t think professional psychologists are there to actually help? > > Do you think if you went to one with suicidal tendencies that the first thing the doctor would do is talk you into suicide? > > These professionals help navigate options and make sure you’re not acting on a whim. It takes months and months, perhaps a year of therapy to arrive at any decision. I wouldn’t bother. He’s been in more than enough trans-related threads to have had every possible chance of fighting his ignorance. He truly just hates us and that won’t change. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/71 "2017-09-23T06:10:37Z")
Here is what struck me about the OP. It seems there are potentially two issues here, one of sexual orientation and one of gender identification. The OP seemed to see them as part of a continuum, saying in effect that finding out that the child claims to be transgender is an “escalation” of being bisexual. Then you have the fact that the child came to the parent to discuss being bisexual but instead went directly to the school to discuss being transgender, which seems odd because if he intends to change his name and present as male, the parents would inevitable find out (unlike sexual orientation, which could potentially be hidden from the patents. I am not a parent, but my first reaction would be to question why the child felt they could not come to me with both concerns. As a parent, I would likely feel hurt that my child had chosen to go to the school officials rather than feeling comfortable discussing the issue with me. Could it be that the child has internalized this feeling that being transgender is somehow “worse” than being bisexual and the initial discussion was a trial balloon to see how the parents would react before dropping the “bigger bombshell”? In any case, I guess what I am saying is that counseling is a good idea, not just for the child to make sure they are in a good place psychologically but also to explore the parent-child relationship and bring any implied or assumed prejudices out in the open to be addressed. Finally, I think that parental counseling is important. There is a grieving process a parent goes through for the child they thought they knew. Not to equate this with a disease, but if a parent finds out their child cannot for some reason have the life that they have imagined (due say to infertility) there has to be a grieving process for the old expectations before they can fully embrace and celebrate the actual life their child is living. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/72 "2017-09-23T07:18:45Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I know I’m going to be called all kinds of names on this one but personally, unless they have clear hormonal, biological, issues (diagnosed by a doctor) I think this stuff is just in their heads and no way would I support a 12 year old on this. Heck most kids go thru a gay/bi/trans phase about that age. That you did doesn’t mean “most kids” do. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/73 "2017-09-23T13:07:08Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Do you best to choose what you believe to be right for you and yours. Well, that’s the problem. HubZilla doesn’t get to choose his child’s gender identity. Even if it really scares HubZilla, even if he thinks the kid is making a mistake, even if the kid suffers negative consequences - even if the kid goes on to live a perfectly happy life, secure in his own choices - HubZilla doesn’t get to make this choice for Alex. This is something the kid has to sort out himself. HubZilla’s only choice is if he will help his child through the process - whatever the outcome - or if he will try (and fail) to keep his kid from growing up. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/74 "2017-09-23T13:25:52Z")
Yeah, I think he accurately assessed the parents were saying ‘supportive’, but then back pedalling with,‘keeping it hush, let’s wait and see, etc’. I also think he accurately assessed that they clearly weren’t as ready as him, for the next leap forward out into the world with the full news. And he did his next reveal to the school exactly because the parents revealed themselves as ‘supportive…but…’. And that’s not the pace he is moving at. The parent first attempted to slow down what was happening somehow, and he’s just demonstrating they’re not driving this car, he is! Why would he reveal more, (name change, trans), to those struggling with ‘I might have feelings for a girl!’? He quite accurately gave the parent what he felt they could handle. And he was right, they ARE struggling with the little news that they got. But there was/is bigger news on the horizon. And clearly, the road of least drama and pushback is to do it at school. Because then it’s a done deal, and cannot be undone by the imposition of the parents delicate feelings on the matter. He’s ready to face his high school, peers and teachers, and so has done so. Waiting for his parents to get on the same page isn’t really required. He heard them say supportive and he’s willing to overlook the ‘slow down, keep it quiet’ suggestions because they don’t fit in with how he wants to address owning his sexuality. Be proud you got a kid who is strong enough in himself to refuse to play at what he’s not, to not quietly reveal discreetly to a few, to hide from those who would gossip or stare, to keep using the ladies room when it’s only damaging to him to do so, etc, etc, this boy IS ready. All attempts to push him back into who he was before the reveal, will be drama filled disasters. And in the ensuring arguments, in defending their position, the parents will say things that the son will never forget. Things that can’t be unsaid. Things that will sting, and could affect his assessment of your full acceptance, for decades to come. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/75 "2017-09-23T13:38:37Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > How can they make it hard to read? That is a pause, I am thinking, It proves I have a brain…I think!? > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I am totally teachable, so I will take it under advisement! With all due respect, it suggests you are a very slow thinker. It’s the equivalent of saying “uhhhhh…” a lot in conversation. It makes your posts be taken less seriously. If that’s what you want, go ahead, but there’s no good reason to include ellipses after every sentence in written conversation. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/76 "2017-09-23T14:06:47Z")
ETA: @\*\*Nava \*\*4 posts above. Even if some or most kids did go through a questioning period, it’s not obvious to me there’s a right answer to the question. Unlike ol’ **Urbanredneck** who, as his name implies, believes very strongly there is exactly one right answer. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/77 "2017-09-23T14:47:31Z")
Can’t Alex be trans and bisexual at the same time? (BTW, I’ve considered your input on my use of ellipses, In the interest of combating ignorance I will now limit my use of them. But I really do like the look of them!!) ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/78 "2017-09-23T15:42:53Z")
Ref ellipses, IMO you kinda got tarred with **watchwolf49** ’s brush. Search up his posts for truly annoying and continual overuse. His posts read like a stream of barely related twitter posts each linked together by 3 dots. That’s unequivocally bad and many people (though not mods that I’ve noticed) have beefed at him about that. To negligible effect. Once in a great while, used as a typographic device to indicate groping for a … delicate … word choice is not IMO beyond the pale. “Once in awhile” being the key idea there. YMMV, and not intended as instructions, merely as background on one other poster’s experience and opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/79 "2017-09-23T15:53:33Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Can’t Alex be trans and bisexual at the same time? Absolutely. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858/80 "2017-09-23T16:01:44Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Can’t Alex be trans and bisexual at the same time? Yes, of course. A trans person can be of any sexual orientation, and IIRC some of our trans Dopers are bisexual. However, as **psychobunny** mentioned, it’s not that unusual for a young person to float “I think I’m bisexual” as a test balloon before fully coming out as something else. It’s also possible for an adolescent to know that they are attracted to people of their same physical sex but genuinely be uncertain as to what specific variety of LGBTQ they are. That said, it is important to keep in mind that bisexuality is real and plenty of people \*say \*they’re bisexual because they \*are \*bisexual. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-her-back-in-the-closet/796858.md?page=5)