# Put together your Henchmen Dream Team **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 15, 2004, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407 "2004-03-15T11:40:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/1 "2004-03-15T11:40:13Z")
Imagine you can put together a team of five henchmen to aid you in taking over your average largish metropolis. Who would you pick and why!? The rules: 1 - You may choose five (5) fictional characters to serve as your henchmen. 2 - No omnipotent (Q’s Star Trek) or nearly omnipotent (Superman’s Mxyplyzyk) characters allowed. Let’s keep things fair. 3 - Bad Guys and Good Guys will work together on the same team without problems. 3b - Arch-nemeses won’t. 4 - Bad Guys won’t try to overthrow the team leader or kill other Dream Team members except where rule 3b comes into play. We’ll assume loyalty for the purposes of the exercise. 5 - No sidekicks allowed unless **explicity** required. So Batman wouldn’t come with Robin, but the Brain would indeed come with Pinky. 6 - I reserve the right to wait until other people have posted before I name my own group. ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/2 "2004-03-15T18:00:09Z")
I have composed my “A” Team with general applications in mind, and it looks almost like I’ve made up my own little League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I wouldn’t say they’re ideal for taking over a city (do I want the city to be functional when I’m done? Do I want the populace cooperative?) but they’d be most helpful. My team is 5 people. If I stipulate that Alfred will stay at HQ and take care of the team, I might replace him with Abraham “Log Cabin” Lincoln. 1 - **Alfred Pennyworth**. Mission Support Services, Logistics. Tea. 2 - **Angus MacGyver**. Practical Engineering Applications, Plan B, Pocketknives. Scruples. 3 - **Andrew “Ender” Wiggin**. Strategery, Lack of Mercy, Scruples. Computers. 4 - **Alexander “Lex” Luthor**. Money, Ambition, Charisma. Pointed lack of scruples. 5 - **Aragorn son of Arathorn**. Muscle, Charisma, Stubble. Execution of nigh-impossible plans. Scruples and a big sword. ---
**Author:** ![cactus\_waltz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@cactus\_waltz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cactus_waltz)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/3 "2004-03-15T18:11:05Z")
Any team is flawed without Odd Job. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/4 "2004-03-15T18:17:38Z")
**Professor X** –with Cerebro, as close to omnipotence as you can get without explicitly violating the OP’s rules (I hope) **Bill Gates** –funding, ruthelessness, some tech skills. **Hank Scorpio** –has doomsday device. Seems he would be a stabilizing element on the group with his new-age mellowness. Reactor almost on line, though weather control and germ warfare are behind schedule. **Godzilla** Muscle, and lots of it. Would require one of those alien control devices though. **7 of 9** For her, you know, Borg powers and stuff ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/5 "2004-03-15T18:18:34Z")
I think that later, after I’ve spent the day thinking about it, I’ll want to change my answer, but this is what I have right now: **Mat Cauthon** –Strategy, generally-type stuff, and maybe sex. 🙂 **Wolverine** –Intimidation and enforcement. Also known as “The Beat Shit Up Guy.” And _definitely_ sex. (A satisfied total dictator is an effective total dictator!) **Scotty** –For all technical applications. **Kheldar of Drasnia** –Disguises, sneaky plans, and comic relief. **Bruce Wayne** –Financing. I guess I’d let Batman come play, too. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/6 "2004-03-15T18:28:08Z")
So many choices… so many possible teams! Argh! Head… exploding! Okay, so here’s my first thought, for a ‘soft’ takeover: Bruce Wayne - Not Batman necessarily … he has money and scientific acumen. As Batman, we can throw in martial arts skills and the ever-nifty utility belt. Killgrave AKA “The Purple Man” - With his ability to control people through pheromones, he’d make an ideal PR agent. Wally West AKA “The Flash” - Ideal bodyguard, nothing moves fast enough to escape his notice. Able to time travel and recover futuristic technology to aid in the takeover. “Drummer” (from Planetary) - You control the digital, you can control everything. His ability to interface with technology would be very valuable. Lastly, I need some sort of Magician, to help control my aging process, to make my dynasty eternal, and also to build PR by healing the sick. Belgarion of the Belgariad, perhaps… or Dr. Fate. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/7 "2004-03-15T18:52:08Z")
> [@cactus waltz](#): > > Any team is flawed without Odd Job. Indeed. My Big 5: **Odd Job** -Big fat guy that can fight. And he has a killer hat. **Mr. Croup** -Delivering menacing lines and being a cool, cold-hearted killer. **Mr. Vandemar** -What’s one without the other? The big, mean one. **Lord Morrolan** -He has a floating castle, man! Also carries Blackwand, which is an amazing sword. And he’s too cool for school. **Ash** -He has a chainsaw for a hand. You don’t get any more badass than that. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/8 "2004-03-15T18:57:54Z")
My choices for a sort of rogues’ gallery team: **Col. Jack “MacGyver” O’Neil, USAF** – professional team leadership; experience with weird stuff; ground combat skills. **Han Solo & Chewbacca** – hey, they’re a team. Transportation; self-sufficiency; light-cover covert ops (aka smuggling); roughing stuff up. I think Solo and O’Neil would get along very well, when they’re off duty. **K** – experience with weird stuff; exotic weapons skills. **Triple-X, KGB** – covert ops skills; counter-intelligence experience; feminine wit and charm (for when the direct approach isn’t good enough). **Ko-ko** – comic relief; cheap tailoring; enforcer of decrees. He _is_ a professional headsman, after all. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/9 "2004-03-15T19:27:18Z")
Penfold (from Dangermouse): Cute little hamster perpetually in awe of my every suggestion and idea. “Cor!” Tinkerbell: Cute little pixie perpetually following every order with unquestioning adoration. Schmoo: Cute little shapeless mass for insertion/espionage missions that follows every order with alien unscrutableness. Jeannie: Cute silk-scarved minx magically bound to following my every whim with a nod of her head. Provides constant ego gratification by calling me “master”. Brain (from Inspector Gadget): Cute little dog that always saves my butt in the nick of time when all of the others inevitably screw up their tasks. ---
**Author:** ![Blackdragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Blackdragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackdragon)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/10 "2004-03-15T19:35:03Z")
**Spenser** - Bad ass tough guy **Hawk** - Bad ass tough guy **Hannibal** - from the “A-Team” the man with the plan **Bruce Wayne** - he could finance anything **Blackadder & Baldric** - what good is the plan unless it’s cunning ---
**Author:** ![Bubba\_Ray](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bubba\_Ray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bubba_Ray)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/11 "2004-03-15T19:41:58Z")
**Nodwick** – the ultimate Henchman, heavy lifting, triggering traps, catapult ammo, this guy is just the multitalent you can’t do without. **Saitoh Hajime** – general badass, swordman, has no qualms about killing, also useful to attract squealing fangirls to use as human shields. **Darth Vader** – He’s the 800 pound gorilla of the Force, Mister Lightsaber himself, the Dark Lord of the Sith. He’s got the Admiral-choking power, the kick-ass mask, the intimidating rasp, the jet-black TIE fighter, and the James Earl Jones voiceovers. (thanks brunchin) Not much more to say here, the supreme badass. **Col. Walter E. Kurtz** – military operations, sure he seems to have lost it but that doesn’t mean he is not good at what he does. **Mystique** – Infiltration, covert ops and of course eye candy ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/12 "2004-03-15T19:49:56Z")
**Bond. James Bond.** –do I gotta explain? Second in command. **Alphonse “Scarface” Capone** –experience in crime, taking control of a city. **Boss Tweed** --political organizer. **Richie Rich** --SHOW ME THE MONEY! **She-Hulk** –legal advice, bodyguard, and the bikini girl/main squeeze expected of all Evil Overlords. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/13 "2004-03-15T19:54:37Z")
**Dr. Doom** - Massive amounts of resources, has taken over the world on several occasions, techonology **"Jack" (Fight Club)** - capable of assembling an underground militia in a matter of months **Lex Luthor** - despite the focus of his genius evil schemes, he is an absolute master at PR **Poison Ivy** - city beautification, parks & rec., air pollution control \*\*Storm \*\* - weather control makes me an instant celebrity ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/14 "2004-03-15T20:01:47Z")
**The Hypno-Toad** : Pros: mass mind control ability. Con: Doesn’t like to share the glory. **Martain Tripods** Pros: tentacles, heat rays, black gas, intimidation. Cons: Operators will need regular dip-tet boosters. **Dr. Manhattan** Pros: named after city, can get large at will, sees through time. Cons: Perpetually nude Blue Man Group refugee doesn’t work well with others. **Darth Maul** Pros: Dude, he’s got like, a double light saber! And the Force! Cons: Poor character development. **Iron Chef Japanese: Masaharu Morimoto** Pros: Excellent Japanese cuisine, expert on fugu toxin, determined to dominate the competition. Cons: poor combat skills, utter incomprehensibility. ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/15 "2004-03-15T20:26:22Z")
In the event any of my choices above are not available, here is my list of runners-up: **The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight** Pros: Enthusiasm, explosives, eloquence. Cons: Delusional, incompetent, insane. **Martha Stewart** Pros: Meticulous, rich, ethically flexible. Cons: annoying. **King Mob** Pros: Fashionable, resourceful, experienced in organizing anarchists, shamanistic powers. Cons: Constantly spouting mystical mumbo-jumbo, bizzare headgear, better looking than me. **Thundercleese** Pros: Giant flying laser-armed robot with a lust for battle. Cons: Homebody, too concerned with lawn care. **Jules Winnfield** Pros: Bad Motherfucker, heavily armed, crime experience, biblical knowledge, extremely intimidating. Cons: Possible ethical qualms. ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/16 "2004-03-15T20:30:45Z")
Threads like this are why I come here. Financier: **Gomez Addams**. We need a money man, and Bruce Wayne, let’s face it, is a glowering stiff. Gomez has more money than God **and** _joie de vivre_ to boot. Public Relations: **Saruman the White**. He can persuade anybody of anything. Security/Enforcement: **The Lord of the Nazgûl**. When it comes to laying down the law, you want a guy who can scare the shit out of practically anyone. Care would have to be taken to ensure he were not beheaded by a woman. Research & Development: **The Doctor**. Never hurts to have an alien scientific genius on your side. Also has experience in leadership and overcoming insurmountable odds. Legal Affairs: **Jack McCoy**. The most dangerous prosecutor in the New York DA’s office. We need a sharp legal mind like that to draft and institute my new rule of law. ---
**Author:** ![Beauty\_Personified](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Beauty\_Personified](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beauty_Personified)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/17 "2004-03-15T20:49:22Z")
Do they have to be humanoid? **Krypto** - right-hand canine **Streaky** - covert operations **Thunder** - transportation **Beppo** - problem-solving **Proty** - undercover work Anyhoo… ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/18 "2004-03-15T21:53:33Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > Killgrave AKA “The Purple Man” - With his ability to control people through pheromones, he’d make an ideal PR agent. He died in the “Emperor Doom” graphic novel; does he still count? Anyway, in the vein of **TOTBP’s** specialized group, here’s my list, the **League of Extraordinary Gentletoons** : 1. **Richie Rich.** Money. Oodles of it. Scrooge McDuck would be a good second, but Richie is stable enough so as not to distract the team on wacky side-quests. 2. **Bugs Bunny.** Multipurpose henchling. Can infiltrate most places without effort, is a master of disguise, unfazed by any situation, and provides humor to keep morale up. 3. **The Tick.** Big strong guy. Too dumb to fear danger. 'Nuff said. 4. **Gadget Hackwrench.** The all-important team gadgeteer. Makes stuff that would put James Bond’s Q to shame. 5. **Unicron.** Because when all else fails, a planet-sized chaos god will be able to haul your ass out of the fire. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/13edae/32.png) [@Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Cheatem_Undhow)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/19 "2004-03-15T22:17:52Z")
I’m confused. I read the OP as requiring the selection of henchmen with actual henchman-like backgrounds, rather than just any old fictional character who you’d like as a lieutenant. In other words, Odd Job and Q might make the list; James Bond and Auric Goldfinger would be disqualified. So my list: 1. Odd Job. Best henchman ever. Muscle and a killer hat. 2. Q. For all my gadgetary needs. (Alternative pick: Artemis Gordon) 3. Kato (of _Green Hornet_ fame). Bruce Lee kicks ass. And I need a driver. 4. Number Two (of _Austin Powers_). To run my legitimate front operations and handle financing. 5. Emma Peel. For the kickass babe factor. (John Steed ran the show, right? If not, insert a non-helpless heterosexual Bond babe or, possibly, Felicity Shagwell). ---
**Author:** ![lonelocust](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/73ab20/32.png) [@lonelocust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lonelocust)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407/20 "2004-03-15T22:17:58Z")
\*\*Eddie Dane \*\* (J.E. Freeman) from \*Miller’s Crossing \* **Mike** (Joe Mantegna) from \*House of Games [/I \*\*Mr. Blonde \*\* (Michael Madsen) from _Resevoir Dogs_ \*\*Harmonica \*\* (Charles Bronson) from _Once Uppon A Time in the West_ and, of course, all under the strict leadership of \*\*Darth Vader \*\* -and not the pansy-ass-regretful-father Vader but the fail-and-I’ll-suffocate-you-with -my-mind Vader [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/put-together-your-henchmen-dream-team/234407.md?page=2)