Oh yeah, birds pine for his nose hair.
The Pwincess is in fine form this morning . . . She’s chatting up one of our few male coworkers, and has reverted to five-year-old Betty Boop/Lolita mode. The vocal equivalent of Karo syrup and honey, sprinkled with Sweet ‘n’ Low.
Uurrgghh . . . I am five minutes away from leaping up and shouting, “DON’T YOU EVER SHUT THE FUCK UP!?”
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
(I want to live vicariously through bolder people than I.)
These are the people I work with that I’d like to have Billy Mumy “wish into the cornfield” so they would disappear:
Miss TMI is an annoying, disgusting, squat…woman (technically. Though she’s more masculine looking than I am). Miss TMI feels compelled to tell you all about her medical problems (warts, hemmorhoids, anal fistulae, etc), along with her sexual exploits, even after you ask her to stop. All this while reminding people that she has already gotten 4 men fired for sexual harrassment. Sure, in your dreams.
Miss TMI also likes to wear sleeveless shirts and sit there with her arms behind her head, airing out her disgusting, stinky, hairy armpits. Miss TMI is so hairy that when she walks near a forest, Bigfoot runs out to take pictures of her.
Speaker-phone Cunt is the head of the Sales Department. Everyone here despises her for the way she puts people on the spot, and the way she makes promises to customers without checking to see if we can actually fulfill them. She has the annoying habit of calling you while using her speaker-phone, the fucking bitch.
I also work with a Baby Talker and a Throat Clearer. Throat Clearer hacks up phlegm every 1-3 minutes (yes, as a matter of fact, I have timed him), and also has the annoying habit of calling you either “Buddy”, or “Mister (your first name)”, followed by an equally annoying question.
“Say Buddy, did you have a good weekend?”
No. I despise having two days off where I don’t have to drag my ass to work and listen to you cough up hairballs all day. Idiot. I could have spent Saturday and Sunday in a fucking coma and it would have been a good weekend.
Wow, I’m starting to appreciate my semi-employment, low-paying though it is. I come in, do my assignment, then leave. Almost all communication with my co-workers is done though fax or 1-minute phone calls.
Still, there’s one manager I dread hearing from. First, she has a voice high enough to send dogs into fits. Second, she speaks in the most annoyingly condescending tone imaginable. Imagine that lady from Romper Room giving the “Now then, you know better than to do that, don’t you?” lecture, and that’s what she sounds like no matter what she’s saying!
As for The Martyr, just give her the most inane smile you can (imagine you’re leading a team-building seminar) and tell her “Work smarter, not harder!” as though you’ve just made the greatest discovery ever. Hopefully, she’ll stop wanting to tell you how busy she is.
At my old job at the call center, I used to have to deal with Evesdropping Lady who was in the cube behind me. Every time I would be talking on the phone for any reason (work or personal) she would be sort of looking over her shoulder at me. Same thing happened when I would check my e-mail, she was looking over her shoulder at me. It was really bothersome when I was looking for a new job and had the job posting e-mailed to me. I didn’t want anyone in the organization to know I was looking around, but Evesdropping lady was right there trying to see what I had up on my screen.
Where I work now there are a couple of people that really drive me bonkers:
Mr. I have to talk to hear myself talk man: In committee meetings, he always has something to say, even if it’s not relating to him. Once he gets going, he doesn’t stop. The last meeting we had was supposed to be an hour. The las 45 minutes of it was him talking. We never finished up all the agenda items we had scheduled and people just started getting up and leaving the meeting.
** Ms. Reactionist catch-up lady**: She has so much on her plate, then when assigned more, doesn’t ask for any help and doesn’t delegate the work out. She then has so much to do that she continually has to play catch-up and forgets things. When you approach her to ask why something she was assigned didn’t get done, she gets all snippy at you and then tries to place the blame back on you, claiming that the instuctions were to vague and that it was your fault for not being specific enough in your instructions. Things get done at the last minute, causing everyone she deals with much grief. This attitude has so permeated her professional life that it spills into her personal life and she reacts in the same snippy way. She is always late for everything and will probably be late for her own funeral.
[bob uecker voice]
When he sneezes he looks like a party favor!
[/bob uecker]