# Question about 'bad boy' psychology **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 11, 2005, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982 "2005-07-11T13:10:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/1 "2005-07-11T13:10:57Z")
First, a note- I’m not trying to make this into a ‘nice guys finish last’ thread. We get one of those every few months, and I’ve read most of them already. Please, I ask, if you post here, try to keep it on topic. The question I’ve been trying to formulate how to ask over the past few days hasn’t quite been comming right, but as I’m now very sleep deprived, I figure, what the heck, I’ll wing it. What I’m asking is: For those of you that have dated / been involved with the ‘bad boy’, what is the attraction factor? It’s something I can’t quite wrap my head around. Personal anecdotes, anyone? Meanwhile, I’ll sit here in a half-awake stupor. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/2 "2005-07-11T13:59:58Z")
Define “bad”. Bad as in “Hip”, “Athletic”, “Artsy”, “Brooding”, “Loner”? or Bad as in “just this side of most likely to knock over a liquor store”? ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/3 "2005-07-11T14:16:03Z")
Sadly, I’m a sucker for the true bad boys–criminals, addicts, thugs. There’s a lot involved, and probably it’s different for everyone, but a big part of the attraction for me is such: Here’s this guy who does what he wants, when he wants. He doesn’t follow the rules, he’s not making nice with anyone to keep up appearances, and he’s probably pretty self-destructive on top of that. He puts very little stock into the expectations and restrictions of society, and yet he’ll listen to _me_ and try to impress me, at least some of the time. He doesn’t even care about himself, but he cares about me. Therefore, I must be pretty hot shit. I’m totally aware it’s pathetic, and I don’t date much as a result, but all attempts at reasoning myself out of this pattern have failed spectacularly. Plus, they’re almost always amazing in bed. Rough, passionate, and completely unapologetic. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/4 "2005-07-11T15:35:07Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Define “bad”. > > Bad as in “Hip”, “Athletic”, “Artsy”, “Brooding”, “Loner”? > > or Bad as in “just this side of most likely to knock over a liquor store”? Any or all of the above. What does it mean to -you-? ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/5 "2005-07-11T15:48:58Z")
> [@belladonna](#): > > Sadly, I’m a sucker for the true bad boys–criminals, addicts, thugs. There’s a lot involved, and probably it’s different for everyone, but a big part of the attraction for me is such: > Here’s this guy who does what he wants, when he wants. He doesn’t follow the rules, he’s not making nice with anyone to keep up appearances, and he’s probably pretty self-destructive on top of that. He puts very little stock into the expectations and restrictions of society, and yet he’ll listen to _me_ and try to impress me, at least some of the time. He doesn’t even care about himself, but he cares about me. Therefore, I must be pretty hot shit. > I’m totally aware it’s pathetic, and I don’t date much as a result, but all attempts at reasoning myself out of this pattern have failed spectacularly. > > Plus, they’re almost always amazing in bed. Rough, passionate, and completely unapologetic. What she said. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/6 "2005-07-11T16:41:54Z")
> [@ArrMatey!](#): > > Any or all of the above. What does it mean to -you-? I don’t know if it has much meaning beyond the answers just given by **belladonna** and **kalhoun**. I don’t think it translates easily to the fairer sex so I can’t elaborate by comparisson. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/7 "2005-07-11T18:06:39Z")
Dumb bitches would have to be the bad boy correlate. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/8 "2005-07-11T19:10:16Z")
Nope, I’ve got the “bad girl” tingles. Outrageous women with a mouth on 'em, violent, rulebreakers, radiating amused contempt, carelessly dressed in dirty clothes, felony conviction record, nonchalant about a history of whoring, drives at 90 MPH, forges checks, fucks people she finds cute while ridiculing with laughter anyone who makes a pass at her otherwise, does a wide range of illegal drugs simultaneously, carries a knife and a chain… who could ask for anything better? :smack: (I"ve had to learn to do so) I think it’s because she’s doing whatever she wants, and has never traded that in for tenderness or validation or approval. So if she’s with me I’m obviously what she wants (wow!) and it’s so much fun, and so erotic and so emotionally delicious to be gentle and loving and tender with someone who has mostly done the rough 'n tumble stuff and has had all the bad boys she wants, along with anything else she wants, and has sampled everyone and everything and so on (and, again, to come back to it, is, in light of all that knowledge, settling on special delightful _me_). ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/9 "2005-07-11T19:32:23Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Nope, I’ve got the “bad girl” tingles. Outrageous women with a mouth on 'em, violent, rulebreakers, radiating amused contempt, carelessly dressed in dirty clothes, felony conviction record, nonchalant about a history of whoring, drives at 90 MPH, forges checks, fucks people she finds cute while ridiculing with laughter anyone who makes a pass at her otherwise, does a wide range of illegal drugs simultaneously, carries a knife and a chain… who could ask for anything better? Yea, a dumb bitch. ---
**Author:** ![Lamar\_Mundane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lamar\_Mundane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamar_Mundane)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/10 "2005-07-11T20:13:08Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Define “bad”. > > Bad as in “Hip”, “Athletic”, “Artsy”, “Brooding”, “Loner”? Why would any of those traits equate to “bad”? ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/11 "2005-07-11T20:16:37Z")
Those are just flavors of bad-boyness. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/12 "2005-07-11T20:30:55Z")
It’s an attitude thing. Not necessarily linked to a criminal record. Think Keith Ledger, Colin Farrell and Russell (mostly harmless) Crowe -vs- Mickey Rourke, Bobby Brown, various rappers. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/13 "2005-07-11T21:02:50Z")
> [@Lamar Mundane](#): > > Why would any of those traits equate to “bad”? I dunno, bad boy for me never meant “a criminal record” or “drives a Harley” or anything. Bad boy to me meant “someone my parents would disapprove of”. There’s plenty in \*\*Quicksilver’s \*\* list that my parental units would disaprove of. And in that vein, there was exactly one, and what attracted me to him was he positively exuded sexuality. And then backed it up with actions, too. We never dated or had a serious thing. It was all about the sex. ---
**Author:** ![Thylacinewas\_taken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c67d28/32.png) [@Thylacinewas\_taken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thylacinewas_taken)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/14 "2005-07-11T21:59:01Z")
I don’t know what their appeal is. It might be daddy issues on my part. But there is something appealing about having to work for a man’s interest/attention. It’s more interesting than having a perfect man who does everything you want without any second thought. Too bad, too. ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2005, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/15 "2005-07-11T22:55:38Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > It’s an attitude thing. Not necessarily linked to a criminal record. > > Think Keith Ledger, Colin Farrell and Russell (mostly harmless) Crowe > > -vs- > > Mickey Rourke, Bobby Brown, various rappers. _Heath Ledger._ I used to date the bad kid (this was high school) the ones who punched doors and threw chairs when they were angry. I felt protected having all that rage and strength sticking up for me when I was being bullied. I’m really glad I got over that predilection, though. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/16 "2005-07-12T01:02:42Z")
It’s a self esteem thing. A guy who treats you nice, calls regularly, pays his bills on time, etc is boring. If he treats you well, he must not be challanging enough to be worth your time. But if he acts like a disinterested abusive asshole, well he’s doing you a favor by even talking to you. And of course there are some general truisms: A guy who can kick ass is more appealing than a wuss A guy with money is more appealing than a guy who’s broke A guy who takes no shit is more appealing than a pushover etc ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/17 "2005-07-12T01:42:36Z")
Yeah, it’s really a self-esteem booster in the “This guy does whatever he wants, whenever he wants…that means _I’m_ whatever he wants! I’m so on fire, I made him stop and pay attention to me! I RULE THE WORLD!” sort of thought-line. ---
**Author:** ![MissGypsy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8491ac/32.png) [@MissGypsy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissGypsy)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/18 "2005-07-12T02:58:34Z")
> [@belladonna](#): > > Sadly, I’m a sucker for the true bad boys–criminals, addicts, thugs. There’s a lot involved, and probably it’s different for everyone, but a big part of the attraction for me is such: > Here’s this guy who does what he wants, when he wants. He doesn’t follow the rules, he’s not making nice with anyone to keep up appearances, and he’s probably pretty self-destructive on top of that. He puts very little stock into the expectations and restrictions of society, and yet he’ll listen to _me_ and try to impress me, at least some of the time. He doesn’t even care about himself, but he cares about me. Therefore, I must be pretty hot shit. > I’m totally aware it’s pathetic, and I don’t date much as a result, but all attempts at reasoning myself out of this pattern have failed spectacularly. > > Plus, they’re almost always amazing in bed. Rough, passionate, and completely unapologetic. What she said. Except I don’t think it’s “pathetic,” as long as one notices the pattern and doesn’t blindly pursue every convicted felon or junkie in sight after one knows better. I’ve dated a few. It’s exciting, especially when one is young and has the energy for such emotional turmoil. It’s dramatic, and provides for endless hours of phone time with your girl friends about why he’s so bad, and how you can “fix” him, “tame” him, “change” him, “save” him… I’ve no idea why that all made sense when I was 18, because it sounds idiotic now, but somehow, I and many of my friends justified it in such terms. And yeah, they tend to be exceptional in bed. Not that it helps when you’re sobbing because he hasn’t called in a week because he’s in jail again, or because he’s shacked up with his old girlfriend, or because he’s all strung out on drugs again, or passed out from drinking… But then he shows up again the next weekend, and again, amazing sex, apologies, and declarations of undying love. For a couple more days. Bah. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/19 "2005-07-12T03:10:21Z")
I dated three guys (one after the other, not at the same time) in my early years that I thought of as bad boys – not so much with the criminal record (although the one got so weird by the end that I wouldn’t be _that_ surprised to read about him in the news), but more along the lines of the “last guy standing at the party” type. You know, up for anything, any time, any place. Wild, I guess. Bad boys with hearts of gold. At the time, I didn’t think too hard on my reasons for thinking they were my “type.” Looking back on it, I think there was an element of competition going on. I liked to fancy myself the wild girl who was up for anything etc etc. Dating a bad boy helped me complete the image I had of myself. This really wasn’t good for anyone involved, because we’d tend to egg each other on to even greater (and stupider) feats of craziness. Hmmm, the more I think about this, the more I think maybe this is missing the definition of bad boy that the OP is looking for. They didn’t treat me _badly_, but at the same time, all our energy went into creating this image – we spent more time on our public presentation than we did on our relationship. It seemed like we were very busy being the Ultimate Party Couple, but not, ya know, a couple involved with _each other_. For whatever reason, I wasn’t very self-reflective about my dating experiences until I met Mr. Del. Then I was startled to realize how weird it was that in the past, I had often dated people who I thought were _like me_, as opposed to people who actually _liked me_, if that makes sense. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982/20 "2005-07-12T03:38:34Z")
> [@belladonna](#): > > Sadly, I’m a sucker for the true bad boys–criminals, addicts, thugs. There’s a lot involved, and probably it’s different for everyone, but a big part of the attraction for me is such: > Here’s this guy who does what he wants, when he wants. He doesn’t follow the rules, he’s not making nice with anyone to keep up appearances, and he’s probably pretty self-destructive on top of that. He puts very little stock into the expectations and restrictions of society, and yet he’ll listen to _me_ and try to impress me, at least some of the time. He doesn’t even care about himself, but he cares about me. Therefore, I must be pretty hot shit. > I’m totally aware it’s pathetic, and I don’t date much as a result, but all attempts at reasoning myself out of this pattern have failed spectacularly. > > Plus, they’re almost always amazing in bed. Rough, passionate, and completely unapologetic. Yeah, yeah, yeah… Blah, blah, blah, Whatever, shut the hell up and git over here and give me some lov’n. Oh, and bring me a 12 pack while you’re at it. You sweet little piece of ass you… 🆒 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-bad-boy-psychology/311982.md?page=2)