Nothing better than clean disease-free innards delivering nice shiny clean poop!
Hooray!
When I did mine, (TMI to follow) I had to wait until the right BM came along – one where I had already peed, and where my stool wasn’t too loose, as far as I could tell in advance. So I got lucky fairly early, only a couple of days after I got the thing. I still don’t understand how one is supposed to let a stool go out without letting pee out at the same time; and I’m not always able to pee (when I also need to move my bowels) thoroughly before I do a BM. I just felt very lucky to get what I thought was a good sample (although it might have been more volume than they wanted). Bonus that I did not find the smell horrible, and that I have learned to breathe through my mouth when necessary (and yes, I know that the smell is actually particles of poop in the air, I don’t care). The bathroom fan did its job quite well.
Unfortunately, my test `was positive, so I had to do the colonoscopy anyway. Two large polyps with some potential to become cancerous, and two small spots of diverticulosis. So now, because it was 11 years between colonoscopies, I get to do one in just one year (which is now 6 months).
Great news, regardless of how you got it!
I just posted my first question!
Cologuard clearly say the bowel movement must be complete and still be only a small specimen. What and when to eat in order to manufacture such a bespoke turd? Cologuard states only that no preparation or special diet is necessary. Well that is nigh impossible for this big shitter.
I assume you got the same instruction booklet I got, i.e. this PDF:
Pages 18-19, steps a - e are at issue here. I took steps a and b to mean I should deposit an acceptably-sized amount into the sample container, not necessarily everything waiting for evacuation from my rectum at that moment. Step e (page 19) reinforces this, letting you know that you once you’ve got the sample container and bracket out of the way, you can “finish using the bathroom if needed.”
TL,DR: the instructions say to poop a judicious amount into the sample container, then drop the rest of your load (if any) into the toilet.
Wow! I will have to look to read - all - the material. I’ve been so stressed by the one (nurse?) phone call I received who insisted I had to deposit the total load, which I find impossible. While I’ve read that no changes are needed in the preceding food intake - and I’m enjoying success on a fiber/bulk weight loss regimen which produces big doodoo - she who called me was satisfied telling me only to eat less!
Thank you so very much!
May I ask? TL, DR are other readers here, right?
It stands for “too long, didn’t read”; if you don’t have time to read an entire post, TL,DR gives you the main point(s) in one or two sentences. My post above wasn’t exactly the Odyssey, but I figured a summary still couldn’t hurt.
Just this morning I was up early to be at the UPS store when it opened at 8:00 AM. I wanted that box out of my place ASAP, and I figured they wouldn’t be crowded. Even though I know they have seen them before it was hard to meet the clerk’s eye.
Jeeze, I have to do this soon and hadn’t thought of this part. It’ll be like being in high school and buying condoms all over again.
At least I never had to do that!
A tutor of mine worked in her husband’s pharmacy, way back when condoms were behind the counter. A guy came in and asked for a certain brand and she was embarrassed she couldn’t find them. He pointed and said “They’re right there!” and she realized he’d been asking for a certain label of cigars!
I heard a thirdhand horror story in which someone’s ColoGuard package failed somehow, at a UPS store - and the whole place had to be basically decontaminated. That’s a really, really bad day at work!
Out of the thousands and thousands of Cologuard tests that have been shipped back to the lab, I’ll wager more than one person has put the lid on the bucket wrong.
I wish there was a cite for this. I’m quite eager to learn if it actually hit the fan.
I really did my best to follow the instructions. Hope nothing went wrong. The directions, surprisingly, are quite clear and simple, and I wish I had got the test done sooner.
Years back, I had a company-paid physical, that included doing that (I think it was a fecal occult blood test). I had to do it for a couple days in a row, then mail it off in some kind of envelope. A while later, some colleagues and I were talking about the benefit (note: this was before insurance routinely covered things like preventive care, so it truly was a benefit) and one fellow laughed and said “You’d better believe I didn’t lick THAT envelope!”.
That package must have been literally flattened in order for that to happen.
How would I know? I’ve done a Cologuard.
This is my kind of topic… I will keep this as PG as possible.
- I’ve been in shipping and distribution for almost 20 years, including a 9-year-run with FedEx Ground and SmartPost. If you get ANYTHING from FedEx or UPS that isn’t smashed to hell and back, go buy a lottery ticket. I would hate to see how many of these get destroyed in transit.
- Related - A good friend of mine at my present place of work decided to place “Caution - Heavy Load > 75 pounds” stickers all over his Cologuard box. I guess you could say his approach was not so shy…
- I personally fall in the group that requires a full-on colonoscopy, and my doctor does it with “twilight” anasthesia. I understand it to mean that you’re never “completely” under, which makes me wonder what sort of stupid shit I say while I’m “there.” Either way, I don’t react well to general anasthesia, at all, but I come out of this right as rain,and I don’t remember ANYTHING.
- They make you pass gas before you leave. I make them pull my finger.
They “make” you pass gas? My recollection is that I farted a lot without any prompting. 
After all, they pump your innards full of air to do the procedure, it has to leave somehow.
Passing gas was never a requirement - though I did have them cracking up once when I mentioned “farting shamelessly” the previous visit. It’s not even real fart gas, just room air they pumped into you.
Yes. The lady told me I needed to pass gas before they could get me out of there. In my hazy state, I extended my right index finger with a grin on my face…
I’m a special kind of juvenile, for the record.