# Question About Musical Flatulence **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [November 7, 2001, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028 "2001-11-07T18:08:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2001, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/1 "2001-11-07T18:08:00Z")
I have been thinking about this concept, to the exclusion of less weighty matters, since **Dijon Warlock** awakened my interest in the famous French musician [Le Petomane.](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_394.html) This great man was a soloist in his chosen profession and, as in most fields of human endeavour, there is a limit to that which one person can achieve without accompaniment. Le Petomane’s influence in the sphere of anal-musical development was diminished by his inability to play more than four notes, viz. \*doh me soh \*and the octave _doh_ on the tonic sol-fa scale. Perhaps \*ray fah la \*and _te_ were impossible for Le Petomane to recreate successfully due to restrictions imposed by the diameter of his anal aperture or the size and configuration of his buttocks. Who knows. Nevertheless, it occurs to me that it might be possible to form a _wind band_, this being an ensemble consisting of mixed wind instrument sounds _i.e._ both woodwind and brass. The instruments which I will need to replicate are a) _Woodwind_: recorder, transverse flute, and instruments using single or double reed _e.g._ oboe, clarinet, bassoon and saxophone and b) _Brass_: trumpet, cornet, bugle, French horn, trombone and maybe other (normally) lip-reed instruments. My band would, of course, be chosen by audition. Aspiring band members would be invited to submit details of their Bottom Specifications, these details to be accurately measured, recorded and countersigned by two independent witnesses of unimpeachable social standing, for example a doctor, a vicar, or a moderator of a successful message board based in Chicago. Applicants who reach Stage Two will be given sound checks by trained engineers, and preference will be given to those wannabes who can demonstrate versatility with their expirations. I can then market the band to interested parties, many of whom will be anxious to sign them as possible successors to the Spice Girls or Steps. If this idea takes off, I am sure the band will be able to put bums on seats, but I need to have the Bottoms in place and rehearsing their repertoire before I expend resources on advertising and promotional materials. My question is, and I am not a musical expert by any stretch of the imagination, would it be possible for an eclectic collection of Human Bottoms to combine in harmony to produce the required sound effects I have annotated in paragraph 4 above. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/2 "2010-10-08T15:26:51Z")
It would seem as plausible as the Glass Harmonica and those people who can play tunes by putting their hand in their armpit and making squeaking noises by pumping the arm and manipulating the hand in various ways. Wasn’t it in _9 1/2 Weeks_ where the little kid was reputed to be able to fart the Star Spangled Banner? ---
**Author:** ![Sinisterniik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/51bf81/32.png) [@Sinisterniik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sinisterniik)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/3 "2010-10-08T17:23:08Z")
Replicating instrument tone could prove difficult. Reed and brass instruments get their respective timbres from the shape of the sound waves they make. You might require some pretty uncomfortable pants to reproduce those sounds. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/4 "2010-10-08T18:12:34Z")
You need to call them The Four Bottoms. Or the Box-Bottoms. ---
**Author:** ![mack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mack)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/5 "2010-10-09T16:03:10Z")
deleted ---
**Author:** ![mack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mack)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/6 "2010-10-09T16:14:54Z")
I think [brASS](http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://dennisthepeasant.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/04/02/pajamas_media_ass_trumpets.jpg&imgrefurl=http://dennisthepeasant.typepad.com/dennis_the_peasant/2007/04/raj_a_high_traf.html&usg=__8d8WWL5GpwBXbPS9GUeSloYtys4=&h=441&w=800&sz=53&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=fRWlh95Ouz684M:&tbnh=91&tbnw=165&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmonty%2Bpython%2Bholy%2Bgrail%2Bass%2Btrumpets%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26channel%3Ds%26biw%3D1422%26bih%3D661%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=966&vpy=216&dur=400&hovh=167&hovw=303&tx=115&ty=97&ei=EI-wTNCIOoK0lQfxyPHqDw&oei=8I6wTOeCCYSdlgeryqnpDw&esq=9&page=1&ndsp=32&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:0) is the way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/7 "2010-10-09T16:21:04Z")
PDQ Back wrote a piece called _Monday Morning Flatulence_. Unfortunately, it is one of his older works and I can’t find a link for its hearing. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/8 "2010-10-09T16:36:20Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > PDQ Back wrote a piece called _Monday Morning Flatulence_. Unfortunately, it is one of his older works and I can’t find a link for its hearing. That’s spelled PDQ Butt, Dude. ---
**Author:** ![kim\_jung\_il](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/54ee81/32.png) [@kim\_jung\_il](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kim_jung_il)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/9 "2010-10-09T16:48:09Z")
We should start a Straight Dope wind band. I can play the Japanese Nose Flute.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/10 "2010-10-09T19:28:35Z")
Wouldn’t adding eructation to the band provide more tonal depth and control? > [@Chez\_Guevara](#): > > My band would, of course, be chosen by audition. Aspiring band members would be invited to submit details of their Bottom Specifications, these details to be accurately measured, recorded and countersigned by two independent witnesses of unimpeachable social standing, for example a doctor, a vicar, or a moderator of a successful message board based in Chicago. This moderating job stinks enough sometimes without being a flatulence inspector or anal opening measurer. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/11 "2010-10-09T19:42:50Z")
Personally, I’d rather not think about what a proper petomanist’s embouchure would look like. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/12 "2010-10-09T20:12:49Z")
I’m sorry, but there’s a reason that a cymbal is a musical instrument and a garbage can lid is not. You’re going to have to demonstrate a proper Harmonic Series before you can call it music. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/13 "2010-10-09T21:13:50Z")
> [@outlierrn](#): > > I’m sorry, but there’s a reason that a cymbal is a musical instrument and a garbage can lid is not. You’re going to have to demonstrate a proper Harmonic Series before you can call it music. Tell that to [Stomp.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stomp_(dance_troupe)) > [@](#): > > Stomp uses just about anything to make these wonderful beats. Including, IIRC, many garbage can lids. ---
**Author:** ![Apollo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Apollo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollo)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/14 "2010-10-09T22:12:23Z")
I give you the wonderful flatulent musical stylings of Mr. Methane [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpQQpIOCp\_A](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpQQpIOCp_A) Le Petomane reincarnate mayhaps? ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-musical-flatulence/92028/15 "2010-10-10T00:04:00Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > Including, IIRC, many garbage can lids. > [@](#): > > non-traditional dance troupe > physical theatre performance > percussion, movement and visual comedy Hmm, OK.