# Question About Self Respect **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 27, 2011, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126 "2011-01-27T00:32:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Strain\_of\_Thought](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3be4f8/32.png) [@Strain\_of\_Thought](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strain_of_Thought)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2011, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/61 "2011-01-28T06:36:55Z")
Ugh. It looks like I’m too tired to write anything more that’s coherent. So, will try and do more responses tomorrow but for now I’m going to bed. The good news is you guys have really elevated my mood and I’m going and dealing with lots of things I’ve been avoiding. Sorry that means I have less energy to sit in front of the internet and talk about them. So, thank you all again, so much. One thing, though: > [@AHunter3](#): > > Anything times zero is zero, even when the Anything is a large number. I really really liked your whole post; it made me think and had useful working definitions for nebulous concepts. But this bit in particular is something that’s fascinated me most of my life. There are so many situations in which you have two factors determining the outcome, and both of them have sufficient influence to negate the other. I’ve always interpreted it as a multiplicative relationship, and I think it’s amazing some of the places that math will crop up. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2011, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/62 "2011-01-28T07:35:11Z")
> [@Strain\_of\_Thought](#): > > I don’t know what the heck I am. A human being, D’OH! Do I win a prize? ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2011, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/63 "2011-01-28T17:26:46Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > R = C/S. > > R = the respect you Receive from others > C = social Confidence; in essence your confidence of being able to get what you want from your social context. From other people. > S = Self respect; what you allocate to yourself in comparison to how you esteem others. So if that equation is true, then the way to get others to respect you is to have a fair amount of social confidence, but very very little self-respect. And if you have _no_ self-respect, the universe just exploded. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2011, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/64 "2011-01-28T18:42:49Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > So if that equation is true, then the way to get others to respect you is to have a fair amount of social confidence, but very very little self-respect. And if you have _no_ self-respect, the universe just exploded. Maybe the equation should be: R=C\*S That would make more sense, given the explanation. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2011, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/65 "2011-01-28T18:44:46Z")
I apologize if I’m repeating something someone else has already said, but I read the OP and felt I needed to respond rather immediately / directly. I’m going through something similar, with a straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back moment from earlier this week, although not as … Pathological as what was said in the OP. I’ve been going through this for a while, and I can give you a basic building block towards getting psychologically back on your feet. Find something you’re either decent at doing, or want to -become- decent at doing (in my case it was cooking) and start doing it. The confidence that comes from either learning to be proficient, or simply -being- proficient, goes a long, long way to rebuilding yourself. Now, I’m not going to kid around; this is a long process. The fact that you’re recognizing it is a very good thing, and a good step. I can’t tell you to ‘forget’ your parents- I think that in trying to forget you may obsess more (I know I did. YMMV.). All I’ll advise, for the moment, is to channel your energies into something you like doing and wish to gain more skill at. It sounds a little stupid, but it has worked for me (again, YMMV.) ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2011, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/66 "2011-01-28T19:09:22Z")
> [@ArrMatey](#): > > \ > Now, I’m not going to kid around; this is a long process. The fact that you’re recognizing it is a very good thing, and a good step. I can’t tell you to ‘forget’ your parents- I think that in trying to forget you may obsess more (I know I did. YMMV.). All I’ll advise, for the moment, is to channel your energies into something you like doing and wish to gain more skill at. It sounds a little stupid, but it has worked for me (again, YMMV.) And then, do not _ever_ discuss this pursuit with any of your family members. Do not give them ammo with which to tear you down. Keep it to yourself, for yourself. That way, when you _are_ in contact with them (assuming you will soon be taking steps to remove yourself from this highly toxic situation) and they start up with their shit, you can mentally go to this “safe place” away from them, about which they know nothing, and draw some self-satisfaction from your accomplishments so far. (Example: When you are hearing “you are crap” from them, you can think to yourself, “Yes, but yesterday I mastered [insert whatever this newfound passion is] and you know nothing about that, so you can’t take it away from me and you can’t trash it.”) It’s a little easier to make like a duck and let stuff roll off your back when you have a secret superpower up your sleeve. In other words, once you develop some pearls, don’t cast them before swine. They will not value anything you see as an accomplishment, so don’t give them the opportunity to devalue _you_. ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2011, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/67 "2011-01-29T03:19:08Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > I’d give the Quakers a try, too. YMMV, but I’ve found the UU’s to be accepting of everything just for the sake of being accepting, rife with bland conversationalists who nod at every word you say while smiling vacantly. Quakers have some non-negotiably humanitarian convictions - I felt I was around people who were very nice but who still had sand. > > But shop around, which is what I obviously have done. Another +1 towards Quakers. They take acceptance to a new level, especially if you manage to run into some old-fashioned preacher-less ones. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2011, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126/68 "2011-01-29T04:09:22Z")
I would try the Quakers too. Hopefully, there’s a meeting house not far from you and it’s a socially progressive one. There’s one up the street from me, and although I no longer attend, I occassionally bump into folks and receive lovingkindness from them, despite the fact that I only attended for a year (and didn’t even attend regularly). Once, a lady who remembered me (but who I didn’t recognize) stopped by my sidewalk vending table and bought something, and then gave me a tangerine! Another lady from meeting saw me waiting in the cold for the bus one morning and gave me a ride to work. “Everyone misses you” she told me. She was probably lying (says the devil on my shoulder), but it was still a nice thought. I know the things I mentioned are not big things. But I tend to take every act of kindness granted to me and remember them when things look bleak. Or just when the day has been crappy. And it works. Today my day was crappy (note to self: never cram three medical thingies on the same day again), and now I feel a little better. Perhaps this is a strategy you can also adapt. Do you walk much, **Strain**? I have discovered how empowering walking is. If you are able to walk long distances (like 3-5 miles), having a car doesn’t seem so important. I have a clunker and if it broke down tomorrow, I wouldn’t like it at all. But I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world because I’ve got legs. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-self-respect/569126.md?page=3)