# Question about Sex and Relationships (AKA Am I old fashioned?) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 14, 2012, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997 "2012-11-14T16:36:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/21 "2012-11-14T18:58:01Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > giant poly sex orgy club. šŸ˜‰ Poly will we diddle all the dayā€¦ šŸ˜‰ ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/22 "2012-11-14T19:01:38Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Pretty big assumption that a mutual arrangement is what led to the failure of the marriage. Wow. If you and your wife have an agreement about who cleans the kitchen, but itā€™s nothing Iā€™d ever agree to and then your marriage fails, should I assume itā€™s because of the kitchen thing? Carrying that a little far arenā€™t you? I meant in general she should consider that her first marriage didnā€™t work, and what possible reasons, including the definition of monogamy may have played into it. If that didnā€™t matter, then it didnā€™t. Not that big of a deal. And yes, it probably would be the kitchen thing. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/23 "2012-11-14T19:13:06Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Poly will we diddle all the dayā€¦ šŸ˜‰ Add that to the tab of beers I owe you, should we ever meet. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/24 "2012-11-14T19:28:58Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > I think itā€™s fine (and Iā€™m 51 years old). My wife and I discussed such a thing, but rejected it as not working for us (and, frankly, not something either of us would be interested in). We do have a different arrangement that some might troubled by, but which works great for us. The Procrustean marriage bed? :eek:šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![solosam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@solosam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solosam)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/25 "2012-11-14T19:33:21Z")
> [@](#): > > Please donā€™t pretend to define ā€œrespect and honorā€ for anyone else The fact that you think those words require definition demonstrates that you are familiar with neither. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/26 "2012-11-14T19:47:58Z")
> [@solosam](#): > > The fact that you think those words require definition demonstrates that you are familiar with neither. No, there are no moral absolutes. If both people are fine with it, you can honor and respect each other and still have sex with others. The honesty is what itā€™s about. Having said that, itā€™d never work for me. I canā€™t have sex with someone and not have tender feelings for them. More pragmatically, if my wife had sex with someone else Iā€™d be very hurt and probably couldnā€™t work through the jealousy. I wonder how many people that think they can handle being poly are kidding themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/27 "2012-11-14T19:51:34Z")
> [@bup](#): > > I wonder how many people that think they can handle being poly are kidding themselves. Given the rate of extramarital affairs, thereā€™s a lot of folks who are apparently kidding themselves when they think they can handle monogamy, too. As you said, honesty is imperative. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/28 "2012-11-14T20:09:30Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Carrying that a little far arenā€™t you? I meant in general she should consider that her first marriage didnā€™t work, and what possible reasons, including the definition of monogamy may have played into it. If that didnā€™t matter, then it didnā€™t. Not that big of a deal. What you claim to have meant does not equal ā€“ in the least ā€“ what you actually said, which was ā€œthis didnā€™t work out all that well the first time.ā€ Donā€™t fault me for replying to what you said. (Itā€™s not going to be the kitchen thing, itā€™s going to be the ā€œshe didnā€™t read my mind!ā€ thingā€¦ ;)) > [@solosam](#): > > The fact that you think those words require definition demonstrates that you are familiar with neither. Baloney. > [@bup](#): > > I wonder how many people that think they can handle being poly are kidding themselves. Yeah, thatā€™s what I was getting at with ā€œItā€™s more likely that there are a lot of people lying (to others and themselves) about what sex means to them.ā€ Iā€™ve known a lot of men who _thought_ they could handle casual sex. > [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Given the rate of extramarital affairs, thereā€™s a lot of folks who are apparently kidding themselves when they think they can handle monogamy, too. Indeed. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/29 "2012-11-14T20:19:25Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Given the rate of extramarital affairs, thereā€™s a lot of folks who are apparently kidding themselves when they think they can handle monogamy, too. Aaaaaand another beer. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/30 "2012-11-14T20:21:41Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > Aaaaaand another beer. **Qadgop** doesnā€™t really believe what heā€™s saying. Heā€™s just in it for the free beer. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/31 "2012-11-14T20:39:48Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > What you claim to have meant does not equal ā€“ in the least ā€“ what you actually said, which was ā€œthis didnā€™t work out all that well the first time.ā€ Donā€™t fault me for replying to what you said. What I actually said is ā€œShe might note this didnā€™t work all that well the first timeā€. That is completed different from the way you separated part of it from the context. She might note that. Thatā€™s all it means, not that anyone can assume that the non-monogomal terms of her marriage were the cause of a divorce, but that it is something to consider. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/32 "2012-11-14T20:44:33Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > Aaaaaand another beer. Iā€™ll take a ginger beer, thanks. šŸ†’ ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/33 "2012-11-14T20:50:40Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Iā€™ll take a ginger beer, thanks. šŸ†’ :smack::smack::smack: Oh, fuck, **Q**. Apologies. :smack::smack::smack: My new girlfriend is right, I \*have \*been fucking us both stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/34 "2012-11-14T20:55:39Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > :smack::smack::smack: > > Oh, fuck, **Q**. Apologies. > > :smack::smack::smack: šŸ˜• Itā€™s no biggie. I just donā€™t drink alcohol these days, thatā€™s all. I donā€™t expect everyone to know that. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/35 "2012-11-14T21:06:33Z")
Cool. Iā€™m functioning at a somewhat diminished mental capacity due to over-exertion and under-sleep. Plus, those :smack: icons are fun to click once you get started. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/36 "2012-11-14T21:27:49Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > What I actually said is ā€œShe might note this didnā€™t work all that well the first timeā€. That is completed different from the way you separated part of it from the context. She might note that. Thatā€™s all it means, not that anyone can assume that the non-monogomal terms of her marriage were the cause of a divorce, but that it is something to consider. How, exactly, does the addition of ā€œshe might noteā€ change the context of ā€œthis didnā€™t workā€? Youā€™re still claiming to know exactly what did or didnā€™t work. You didnā€™t say ā€œshe might note this may not have worked,ā€ or ā€œshe might note this could have been a contributing factor,ā€ it was ā€œshe might note **this didnā€™t work**.ā€ Iā€™m not saying that I have any issue with what you _meant_, but donā€™t try to weasel out of what you _said_. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/37 "2012-11-14T21:34:08Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > How, exactly, does the addition of ā€œshe might noteā€ change the context of ā€œthis didnā€™t workā€? Youā€™re still claiming to know exactly what did or didnā€™t work. You didnā€™t say ā€œshe might note this may not have worked,ā€ or ā€œshe might note this could have been a contributing factor,ā€ it was ā€œshe might note **this didnā€™t work**.ā€ > > Iā€™m not saying that I have any issue with what you _meant_, but donā€™t try to weasel out of what you _said_. Ok, I see what youā€™re on about. Yes indeed, ā€œshe might note \*\*this could have been \*\*a contributing factorā€ would have been a better way to put it. I intended **might** as the qualifier, but apparently it was insufficient to connote my meaning. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/38 "2012-11-14T21:47:04Z")
I think cheating can only be defined by the parties in the relationship. I know people who are monogamous and that works for them. I know people who are poly and that works for them. ---
**Author:** ![Rollo\_Tomasi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/58956e/32.png) [@Rollo\_Tomasi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rollo_Tomasi)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/39 "2012-11-14T21:49:10Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > I think cheating can only be defined by the parties in the relationship. Bingo. ---
**Author:** ![Saraya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Saraya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saraya)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2012, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/40 "2012-11-14T21:53:09Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > We have a mutual understanding that if one of us cheats, the other is entitled to go crazy and wreak horrible revenge. (Yes, seriously, we have talked about this.) Clearly a mature and long term solution to an already bad situation. ;thumbs up; for some peopleā€¦ Whatā€™s shocking to me is how many middle aged people are still either A) uncertain about sexual relations in a marriage/full time relationship and B) how sex is such a topic that defines said relationship. Donā€™t people have hobbies and stuff to do together? I had this one seventies something golden girl chatting my ear off at the doctors about how her sex life is down since her husband got old (you know it happens). Iā€™m like fu\*\* off old lady, you had your sixty years to screw; now shut up and go do some old person thing like knitting or bridge club. Humans need to learn to accept reality and roles. > [@DocCathode](#): > > I think cheating can only be defined by the parties in the relationship. Such a cop-out get out of jail card. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997.md?page=3)