# Question about Sex and Relationships (AKA Am I old fashioned?) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 14, 2012, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997 "2012-11-14T16:36:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/81 "2012-11-16T05:45:53Z")
> [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](#): > > \ > This is getting political, so I’m going to try to leave this at, you’re still assuming monogamy is The Way To Be. This makes it not a genuine acceptance of an open relatioship, but a calculating trade-off that plays into unfortunate stereotypes about women with ambitions beyond domestic life.\ Not political at all on my end; they’re just very successful politicians to me (I don’t care much about US American politics). My assumptions about Bill and Hillary Clinton are that Hillary married Bill because he was going to be president some day, she wanted to be there when he did, she knows about everything he does, and she doesn’t care as long as it doesn’t affect her ambitions. But that’s probably not important right now. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/82 "2012-11-16T06:06:39Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Plenty of monogamous marriages fail. Should we note that it didn’t work, and maybe they should try another sexual arrangement in the next one? > > My partner would never go for it (and I wouldn’t try it, out of respect for him) but I can completely understand monogamishy. When I sit down and think, honestly and completely, about my partner having a properly protected one night stand on a business trip…well, it really just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me. It’s not exactly a pleasant thought, but I couldn’t imagine tearing our whole lives apart because of it. It seems like something that would piss me off for a week or so, and then I’d get over it. If being grumpy for a week allows him to fully explore his sexuality, that seems like a fair trade off. > > The whole idea that you are supposed to only have sex with this one person ever again seems kind of random and unintuitive to me. Why just that one act? I don’t expect to be the only person my husband has a conversation with, or plays board games with, or has a bonding experience with. We live big, complex lives and no single person is everything to any other person. So why is this one thing so absolute? Why not allow a little variety now and then, within good taste and with respect for each other? > > I think polyamory introduces relationships, which is something I’m not comfortable with. And swingers have a much more all-encompassing lifestyle than I find appealing. But monogamish relationships seem natural and reasonable to me. I don’t know why I bothered replying before reading everything, because even\_sven said everything I should have, but better 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/83 "2012-11-16T06:23:18Z")
But what if these partners have these “meaningless one night stands”-or at least what was honestly _entered into_ as meaningless-and it becomes meaningful nonetheless? Would the spouses still be ok sharing? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/84 "2012-11-16T08:56:29Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > But what if these partners have these “meaningless one night stands”-or at least what was honestly _entered into_ as meaningless-and it becomes meaningful nonetheless? Would the spouses still be ok sharing? And what if a partner in a monogamous relationship has a friendship which starts to cross the line into an emotional affair? In any arrangement, honesty and playing by the agreed upon rules in paramount. I had a female friend who started to subtly indicate that it was OK to have more than friendship, which would definitely not be OK with Mrs. Bayer. We’re not poly and I dropped the friendship. I would expect that if the rules of such an open relationship would do something similar. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/85 "2012-11-16T15:50:34Z")
good working relationships need honesty, communication and problem solving mechanisms. there is much written about polyamory, and because it is against the cultural norm many of the people who do it then have read what is out there. it is pretty much stated that you need honesty, communication and problem solving mechanisms to make it work. this often leads to people who do polyamory successfully being more stable than the average monogamous relationship. some swingers might have developed honesty, communication and problem solving mechanisms and are set to accommodate changes. some swingers might be the type to ‘i don’t want to think about what you do’ or ‘we don’t need rules because it isn’t serious’ and could get into trouble. there is a smaller group of people that are bout polyamory and swingers, with rules/goals/expectations for each. these people might be better prepared than those who are swingers only. ---
**Author:** ![Quimby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/22d042/32.png) [@Quimby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quimby)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/86 "2012-11-16T21:18:37Z")
This is an honest question and not meant to be argumentative but are people who are okay with this, okay with it because it gives them a license to do the same? Because otherwise, I just can’t comprehend how someone would be okay knowing a stranger was touching their Significant Other in that way. Just thinking about it in the abstract makes my stomach turn. I swear I am not a jealous or possessive person (I like to think I am easy going in relationships and I know that I am trusting) but I just couldn’t abide by that. However, I could see how doing the same thing would make it a bit easier to handle. I guess I am just trying to understand. ---
**Author:** ![Rollo\_Tomasi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/58956e/32.png) [@Rollo\_Tomasi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rollo_Tomasi)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/87 "2012-11-16T21:42:28Z")
> [@Quimby](#): > > This is an honest question and not meant to be argumentative but are people who are okay with this, okay with it because it gives them a license to do the same? I’m okay with it because I don’t have the slightest interest in what goes on in the bedroom of two or more consenting adults. If they are making their lives easier and more pleasant by engaging in a “non-traditional” relationship, then more power to them. For the record, I’ve never been in a poly relationship, and I don’t think it would work for me. But if people want to do it, they should go right ahead, if that’s what works for them. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/88 "2012-11-16T22:02:56Z")
> [@Quimby](#): > > I guess I am just trying to understand. You’re not going to understand, and you don’t have to/aren’t supposed to understand. Attempts at explaining it would be pointless – not because you aren’t smart or open-minded enough, but just because you’re not wired that way. All that’s asked of you is to accept and respect that some others are wired differently. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/89 "2012-11-16T22:06:35Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > And what if a partner in a monogamous relationship has a friendship which starts to cross the line into an emotional affair? > > In any arrangement, honesty and playing by the agreed upon rules in paramount. I had a female friend who started to subtly indicate that it was OK to have more than friendship, which would definitely not be OK with Mrs. Bayer. We’re not poly and I dropped the friendship. I would expect that if the rules of such an open relationship would do something similar. When it happened to me, in the open marriage, I told my husband immediately. It was, by the rules of our relationship, “cheating” for me to put someone else before him in my heart and priorities. As soon as, and I mean within hours, I realized that The New Guy meant more to me than my husband, I told him. We discussed it (I and my husband and the three of us), and decided that a triad wasn’t going to work, and as neither my husband nor I were happy in the marriage at that point anyhow, it was best if we divorced. And we would have done so regardless of whether or not The New Guy and I stayed in our relationship. It was not the cause of our demise, but an impetus for a divorce that should have happened at least 2 years before it did. ^That sounds very cerebral. There were, in reality, some fireworks and tears for a few weeks. But in the long run, it’s worked beautifully. I won’t say we’re bestest of friends, but the judge at our (DIY) divorce hearing congratulated us on our handling of the divorce, all four of us (my ex, his girlfriend, me and my SO) are functional co-parents of our little girl and we continue to go to the same social functions and share a group of friends. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2012, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997/90 "2012-11-16T23:43:42Z")
> [@Quimby](#): > > This is an honest question and not meant to be argumentative but are people who are okay with this, okay with it because it gives them a license to do the same? I’ve known a few couples where the partners have permission to have sex with other people, but one partner never does. > [@](#): > > Because otherwise, I just can’t comprehend how someone would be okay knowing a stranger was touching their Significant Other in that way. What makes you think it would be a stranger? In my experience, it’s much more likely to be a mutual friend. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-sex-and-relationships-aka-am-i-old-fashioned/640997.md?page=4)