# Question about virginity **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 17, 2011, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906 "2011-10-17T13:22:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/41 "2011-10-18T20:21:08Z")
Find some professionals and pay them. She is not on the same page you are and you come across like a creep who just wants to put a notch on the bedpost. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/42 "2011-10-18T20:45:46Z")
She asked you if she could die of pain? Aren’t there laws about tricking mentally disabled people into having sex with you? ---
**Author:** ![Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Springtime_for_Spacers)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/43 "2011-10-18T22:05:28Z")
> [@raskolnik](#): > > Hey, I read “the Bell Jar” which would be enough to make you hide under your bed for a week. Same thing happened to an RL friend of mine. She only got treatment when she confided to a friend how much blood she was still losing and the guy told another friend how much blood was in his sleeping bag and after the two friends compared notes they said “Hospital now!” ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/44 "2011-10-18T22:35:01Z")
FWIW, my first time didn’t hurt one bit. Which makes me wonder – do petite girls suffer more during their first time than bigger girls? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/45 "2011-10-18T22:55:15Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > Bolding mine. This was not the case at all for me, and I was totally into it. It’s also a pretty broad brush to paint with considering the experiences of some of the women who’ve already posted. Yes, _some_ women have significant pain but that’s the exception, not the rule. Just as most women _don’t_ need their hymen surgically opened like **1GothMoma**. I realize that folklore would make you think the sheets look like someone slaughtered a sheep on them afterward and the woman was in pain the whole time, and I’m sorry if your particular experience resembled that in any way, but it’s not normal to experience either severe pain or severe bleeding. ---
**Author:** ![1GothMama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/90ced4/32.png) [@1GothMama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1GothMama)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/46 "2011-10-18T23:43:28Z")
Oh, I’m aware my experience is extremely atypical. Of the women I know well enough to swap virginity stories I only no one other that had anything similar occur. It’ll be a nice horror story for my daughter when she’s a teenager, but even then I’ll stress that no two women have the same first time. My point in posting was that it is _possible_ for it to hurt like the dickens. So much that the girl will want to stop. Like a lot of other people in the thread I’m getting the vibe from the OP that that would be an okay result for him. In his fourth sentence he says (using CAPITAL LETTERS so we know he means it) that he absolutely doesn’t want to put her off the idea. That doesn’t strike me as a guy who will be content to cuddle and stroke her hair if she freaks out at the attempt. I’m NOT saying he’d take refuse to take no for an answer. But he may be a bit. . . begrudging in stopping and that can wreck havoc on a girl’s emotions and self esteem. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope so for his GF’s sake. **raskolnik** all horror stories and recrimination aside, you can tell her whatever you want. But if it gets down to is and she freaks out, either from the pain or some emotional reaction none of us can predict, pleasepleaseplease be a gentlemen and do whatever it is she needs you to do. Let her do this at her own pace and make it about her. All of us with less then stellar firsts will thank you for it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/47 "2011-10-18T23:46:32Z")
> [@1GothMama](#): > > But if it gets down to is and she freaks out, either from the pain or some emotional reaction none of us can predict, pleasepleaseplease be a gentlemen and do whatever it is she needs you to do. What if she needs him to marry her? I don’t think we’ve gotten a clear answer on his level of commitment in this case. ---
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/48 "2011-10-19T00:11:21Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > What if she needs him to marry her? I don’t think we’ve gotten a clear answer on his level of commitment in this case. This is just me, but I think any guy who refers to taking his girlfriend’s virginity as ‘cracking open a cold one’ isn’t really going to be the type to consider marriage. Again, just my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![1GothMama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/90ced4/32.png) [@1GothMama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1GothMama)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/49 "2011-10-19T00:11:25Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > What if she needs him to marry her? I don’t think we’ve gotten a clear answer on his level of commitment in this case. Well, I do have a friend with a shotgun. . . I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I don’t know the guy from Adam. But yeah, I think best case scenario for Ms. Naive Communist is for him to find someone whose life he won’t ruin by “cracking [her] open.” ---
**Author:** ![kjbrasda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/74df32/32.png) [@kjbrasda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kjbrasda)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/50 "2011-10-19T00:40:01Z")
Another thing to take into consideration, pain wise, is her size compared to yours. I’ve had partners it was a bit painful to be with even after years of experience, just because they’re so big. Of course, just eagerly jamming it in there with no foreplay and no lube will always hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/51 "2011-10-19T01:59:13Z")
> [@AngelSoft](#): > > This is just me, but I think any guy who refers to taking his girlfriend’s virginity as ‘cracking open a cold one’ isn’t really going to be the type to consider marriage. Again, just my opinion. He is concerned for her wellbeing, that’s way better than many husbands and lesbian-lifepartners. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/52 "2011-10-19T02:18:20Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > He is concerned for her wellbeing, that’s way better than many husbands and lesbian-lifepartners. Dude are you TRYING to get this lobbed over to the pit? ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/53 "2011-10-19T02:20:45Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > He is concerned for her wellbeing, that’s way better than many husbands and lesbian-lifepartners. No he’s not. He wants to know how much it hurts. He hasn’t asked any questions about what he can do to minimise discomfort or pain, how to ensure that she’s as cared-for as possible. He’s ignored all questions and discussion about the social and emotional ramifications of taking her virginity, dismissing them as > [@raskolnik](#): > > -I was not asking questions about relationship status…I was asking about pain. I don’t like hurting people. It’s been interesting to see what people have infered from my question. despite that there’s been feedback from others who have first-hand experience of regional Chinese attitudes to and of young women and sex suggesting this is likely to be a very fraught emotional situation for her. No, he’s just worried about telling her “Oh, it doesn’t hurt /that/ much”. ---
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/54 "2011-10-19T02:26:57Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > He is concerned for her wellbeing, that’s way better than many husbands and lesbian-lifepartners. Well then you read his post in an entirely different way than me. I saw it as more of a ‘what can I say to reassure her to have sex with me and make sure NO is not her answer’. But I will admit his ‘colorful’ way of referring to deflowering a virgin may have skewed my opinion of him a bit and thus affected how I view his posts in general ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/55 "2011-10-19T02:55:07Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > Dude are you TRYING to get this lobbed over to the pit? No, if I was trying to get this moved, I’d post: Stick your Washington Monument into her, and make a red flag. > [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > No he’s not. > > He wants to know how much it hurts. He hasn’t asked any questions about what he can do to minimise discomfort or pain, how to ensure that she’s as cared-for as possible. He’s ignored all questions and discussion about the social and emotional ramifications of taking her virginity, despite that there’s been feedback from others who have first-hand experience of regional Chinese attitudes to and of young women and sex suggesting this is likely to be a very fraught emotional situation for her. No, he’s just worried about telling her “Oh, it doesn’t hurt /that/ much”. He’s being a bit culturally insensitive, but he asked a question about the pain, and how not to make it more painful. > [@AngelSoft](#): > > Well then you read his post in an entirely different way than me. I saw it as more of a ‘what can I say to reassure her to have sex with me and make sure NO is not her answer’. But I will admit his ‘colorful’ way of referring to deflowering a virgin may have skewed my opinion of him a bit and thus affected how I view his posts in general He said he was joking. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/56 "2011-10-19T06:51:17Z")
Usually, when someone says s/he’s joking, s/he’s aware that s/he’s crossed a line. That “joke” was extremely demeaning to her, and I think it reveals what he really feels about her. He wants to deflower a virgin, and he doesn’t care that she would prefer to have sex with a man who is willing to become her husband. The OP is interested in reassuring the object of his lust that it won’t hurt that much. However, he’s ignoring the fact that if she has sex with a man who doesn’t marry her, it will cause her a great deal of emotional pain, and she’ll be considered damaged goods by her culture. It’s going to affect her for the rest of her life. Unless he is going to marry her, or somehow get her out of that situation, he doesn’t have the right to have sex with her. I don’t get the feeling that he’s going to stick around with her after he’s slaked his lust. Maybe for a couple of months, even a year or so…but not for the rest of their lives. As everyone keeps saying, the culture is different, and so the consequences are different. And what if she happens to get pregnant? I don’t think that this outlook on sex is a healthy one, but she DOES have to live in this culture. And she’ll have to pay the price for engaging in sex with someone and then doesn’t marry him. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 9:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/57 "2011-10-19T09:07:13Z")
You asked “how much does it hurt?” It will be among the greatest hurts in her life, as even sven and others have already pointed out. That you are wanting to hurt her so terribly solely to gratify yourself speaks volumes. ---
**Author:** ![raskolnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e47c2d/32.png) [@raskolnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raskolnik)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/58 "2011-10-19T12:10:33Z")
I’ve got people convinced I’m almost a sexual deviant, to people defending me. Such fun… …I didn’t post any details about the ‘relationship’ as I think they are not related. I do not have a circle of female friends, and so can’t find much unbiased research or objective data. -‘cracking open a cold one’ is a necrophile joke. A guy got arrested for ‘misuse of a corpse’ back when I was in university and I thought it added some humor to a thread I find rather disturbing. ---
**Author:** ![storyguide3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@storyguide3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyguide3)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/59 "2011-10-19T16:19:42Z")
> [@raskolnik](#): > > I’ve got people convinced I’m almost a sexual deviant, to people defending me. Such fun… > …I didn’t post any details about the ‘relationship’ as I think they are not related. I do not have a circle of female friends, and so can’t find much unbiased research or objective data. I hadn’t noticed anyone thinking you were a deviant. I see people thinking that you may have a callous disregard for the consequences of your actions in the culture you currently find yourself in. So far I’m one of them. People \*\*\*are \*\*\*telling you that although the physical pain of her first time may not necessarily be all that severe, the emotional trauma of being deflowered and then not getting married to the deflowerer may be many orders of magnitude greater. That’s why the interest in the status of the relationship. Do you not understand that? Perhaps it would be instructive for you to ask yourself the following set of questions before you go any further. First, if you succeed in convincing her to have sex with you, do you have the intention of remaining with her with an eye to eventual marriage? In other words, are you in it for the long term? Second, if you don’t have such an intention, and knowing the way that local people where you live look at this sort of thing, will she be adversely affected by this outcome? Simply put, if you fuck her and leave her will she be damaged goods in the eyes of the people she has to live with after you are gone. Finally, if the answer to the second question is “yes, she would be damaged goods if I do that”, do you give a shit? The answer to this last one will say a great deal about your character. Think on it. A lot. Remember that no matter what else she might be (a commie, naive, a little dim, whatever) she is a human being whose life you have the potential to greatly change. She’s not a toy or a pet, she’s a person. Don’t fuck her up just because you want to fuck her. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906/60 "2011-10-19T19:39:06Z")
What storyguide said. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-virginity/599906.md?page=4)