# question about what to talk about to a woman when you want to date her **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 26, 2014, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112 "2014-07-26T18:18:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/61 "2014-07-28T00:46:57Z")
> [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](#): > > Why are you being such a dick to this guy? > [@chiroptera](#): > > Because he is objectifying women, and variants of his question are common, and boring as shit. I thought he was just a man trying to figure things out and reaching out to a board with folks from all walks of life and levels of life experience. Objectifying women? If I had been as inexperienced as he when I was in my 30s, I’d be asking for advice too, and…AND…dying to get laid. I certainly wouldn’t think that I was “objectifying” men. ---
**Author:** ![Bouncer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9d8465/32.png) [@Bouncer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bouncer)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/62 "2014-07-28T03:17:03Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > And you’re apparently not very experienced, even after all this time. > > Stop looking at women as conquests or something to date, but as fellow human beings, without a sexual agenda. Otherwise, you will continue to come across as creepy and unattractive and the harder you try at getting the right “technique” to communicating with us exotic species, the creepier you will appear. > > Are you capable, in any context, of talking to members of the opposite sex without thinking of us as sexual objects for your personal gratification? This approach may not work with you as an individual, but as someone who spent the better part of 7 years working in bars, I have observed, oh, probably a couple thousand times, that there are quite a few women it DOES work on. /shrug They want overt sexuality as part of the flirting, they want the male braggadocio and seeming arrogance (self-confidence). Hell they even want to be sort of treated dismissively at first and then “selected” to be that evenings post-bar “main event”. The difference is whether he (and she) wants a relationship, or a hook-up. And there is no intergalactic rule that says simple sex for fun is inherently wrong or bad (provided everyone is using protection etc). Neither is their a rule that says women aren’t capable of thinking of men as “sexual objects for your personal gratification”. I guaran-damn-tee you they are COMPLETELY capable of that. The times I worked the male dancer side of a strip club with female patrons made that abundantly clear to me. As to the flirting, it’s down to what he’s trying to accomplish. Does he want to hit it and quit it, or does he actually want to build a relationship. The techniques he’ll use need to be organized around this decision so he is send the right message to the right person, that is to say, so he’s not confusing her. Either way, she needs to feel safe around him either by his overt confidence (hook up) or quiet confidence (relationship (also possible hook up)). Regards, -Bouncer- ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/63 "2014-07-28T03:35:10Z")
> [@7e42](#): > > but I was told that complimenting is not flirting so now I am really confused ANYTHING can be flirting. How you eat your food. How you dress. How she eats, how she dresses. A walk, a look, a giggle. It isn’t a matter of subject matter - you can flirt outrageously over the TPS report at work if you are a flirter. But flirting is also not necessarily any sort of serious sign that sex is imminent. The last guy I flirted with a lot was a married coworker, I was married, there was ABSOLUTELY no interest in being anything other than married - he just had a conversational style that matched mine for flirt. In my experience, its the rare guy that can start a flirt or carry it. While some guys can, its often a female art form that needs a participatory male (or, if you are good, a room full of them). (That last statement is pretty hetero oriented). ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/64 "2014-07-28T19:29:29Z")
What Dangerosa said. Flirting is **how** you say something, not what is said. “Nice hat.” not flirting. “I was so distracted by your cute new haircut I forgot to tell you how much I like your hat!” quite possibly flirting, depending on the situation. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/65 "2014-07-28T21:00:52Z")
And true about it being mostly a female artform (at least in my case.) That’s what I mean when I say above that “I usually cue off the date.” ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/66 "2014-07-29T15:20:16Z")
> [@Arrendajo](#): > > What Dangerosa said. Flirting is **how** you say something, not what is said. > “Nice hat.” not flirting. > “I was so distracted by your cute new haircut I forgot to tell you how much I like your hat!” quite possibly flirting, depending on the situation. I know it’s really hard to write an artificial example of flirting, but yours evokes the image of two straight women talking to one another. Maybe a gay guy talking to a woman - but I’ve never met a real live gay man who would say that. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Steken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Steken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steken)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/67 "2014-07-29T16:22:04Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > I know it’s really hard to write an artificial example of flirting, but yours evokes the image of two straight women talking to one another. True! I once left a _very_ loud party with a girl, and as soon as we got out of the building, I went “man, it was so goddamn loud in there I couldn’t even see what you looked like!” Now _that’s_ flirting. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![mr.jp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/48db29/32.png) [@mr.jp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.jp)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/68 "2014-07-29T16:35:22Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > Yes fine whutever, but can YOU be silly, intelligent and open-minded? > > Your few posts here don’t indicate this to be the case. What do \*you \*have to bring to a relationship? Anything? … What is your problem? If people don’t live up to the Chiroptera standards of dateability, should they not go on dates? I can tell from this thread that I would not advise anyone to go on a date with you. ---
**Author:** ![mr.jp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/48db29/32.png) [@mr.jp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.jp)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/69 "2014-07-29T16:40:55Z")
And to the OP, **pulykamell** nailed it. I go about it a little bit different: Go to / change to a bar, and kissing on the same night. But it’s details, his 3rd paragraph is all you need to read. ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/70 "2014-07-29T16:47:54Z")
> [@mr.jp](#): > > … What is your problem? > > If people don’t live up to the Chiroptera standards of dateability, should they not go on dates? > > I can tell from this thread that I would not advise anyone to go on a date with you. I think I know where **Chiroptera** was coming from, but in seems more in line with **R3d’s** thread from a few weeks back. **R3d’s** comments continually listed things he wanted out of a girlfriend / relationship, but (initially) failed to list reasons why a girl would want to date him. It’d be akin to me saying that I want a 7-figure job, and even though I don’t bring the necessarily skills / education to the table, I should get it because I’m nice and I really want it. Throughout that thread, people kept advising **R3d** to focus on himself, as that might help his prospects in the future. He came off as insecure and mopey - in other words, a typical teenage boy. I don’t think that \*\*7e42 \*\*comes across anything like that, but I could see \*\*Chiroptera \*\*carrying over residual sentiment from the previous “How do I interact with girls” thread into this one. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/71 "2014-07-30T16:57:11Z")
That’s probably where she was coming from, but it was totally unfair. This guy didn’t objectify women at all. He said, like, “I talk about TV, do I have to do something different or what” and she made fun of his personality. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112/72 "2014-07-30T18:57:22Z")
Pay attention to body language. Here’s some easy markers I have found rarely, if ever, to be wrong: Which way are her knees pointed? Towards you is good. Away from you is not so good. Same goes for crossed legs. Towards you good. Away from you bad. Also, arms crossed bad. Uncrossed and relaxed good. And a less reliable cue: Fidgeting/twirling of the hair can be a good sign but it can also mean she is nervous. (Fidgeting isn’t always limited to hair. It could also be peeling the label off a beer bottle, fidgeting with her wine glass, does a make up touch up right in front of you. [Like applying lip stick or whatever]…)\_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-about-what-to-talk-about-to-a-woman-when-you-want-to-date-her/694112.md?page=3)