# Question for Black Women: ''Can I touch your hair?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 17, 2013, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525 "2013-10-17T21:49:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/21 "2013-10-18T01:08:01Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I’m not a touchy person with strangers, so I can’t even imagine wanting to touch a stranger’s hair. I loathe when I’m sitting behind someone with long hair who keeps touching me with it. It happens on the bus or at ballgames. Bleh. QFT. Or that HairFlip thing they do and it goes in my face. EW. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/22 "2013-10-18T01:08:52Z")
> [@Lasciel](#): > > I’m white, and I \*love \*hair, so yes, I’ve thought about wanting to touch black women’s hair, just like I’ve wanted to touch other women’s hair, and men’s hair. > > I have NEVER dared to ask anyone (other than friends, family, and lovers), and would NEVER touch without permission. > > I do have to admit to burning curiosity tho. My own is so straight and flat and limp and blah and boring… it just seems that there are so many different types so different from me, I’d like to see what they feel like. Yes, this. I see some amazingly cool hair that does things my hair won’t dream of, and I’m curious about it, sure. But no, never would I touch without permission. And I rarely even ask, because most of the time it doesn’t actually feel as interesting as it looks. And I’m just as likely to be interested in curly “white girl” hair, so I think this is one of those race things that isn’t really about race. At the same time, black women are constantly petting my hair. I almost expect it of people I’m taking a blood pressure or listening to a heartbeat of. What I don’t expect, and feels invasive, is when I’m speaking to one person and another comes up behind me and touches my hair. I’ve had women take out my barrette or ponytail holder and fluff my hair and arrange it in various updo styles with their hands! That’s some boundary issues there! I totally understand the curiosity, and yes, I have some nice silky hair that feels yummy to run your hands through (as long as I’ve washed it recently) but…warn a lady first, okay? ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/23 "2013-10-18T01:20:19Z")
I’m white, but I have super curly hair and people touch it all the time, usually without asking first. Even when they do ask it’s still really creepy but saying no can be dicey, people get cranky when you tell them no. Usually I just don’t answer, or I do the line from Saturday Night Fever and just walk away. “Would ya just watch the hair. Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it. He hits my hair.” ---
**Author:** ![piepiepie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47774/32.png) [@piepiepie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/piepiepie)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/24 "2013-10-18T01:21:59Z")
When I kept my hair in plaits (I was mostly natural but hated wearing my hair out since it was too hot), people would pull on them or touch them wondering how they stayed in without rubberbands. I did not care for that. After my big chop last December, people would take that as an invitation to touch my hair, give me unsolicited comments on my decision to chop (“Girl, you had _good_ hair. Why would you cut it?”) and I did not care for that either. However, these people were mostly family members instead of my mostly white classmates when I had plaits. I just don’t like people touching my hair period. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/25 "2013-10-18T01:27:52Z")
I am envious of the type of hair most black people have. As a child, my hair was too thick, slippery, and fine to even manage a ponytail. Watching a black girl twine her hair around a pencil and make a perfect curl or smooth it into twists, puffs, braids, etc., it was obvious that it defied the rules of the physical universe. People want to touch it because it’s amazing. I’d never touch anyone’s hair or ask to though, because that would be creepy and rude. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/26 "2013-10-18T01:33:39Z")
> [@piepiepie](#): > > When I kept my hair in plaits (I was mostly natural but hated wearing my hair out since it was too hot), people would pull on them or touch them wondering how they stayed in without rubberbands. (How \*do \*they stay in without rubberbands? I’m too inhibited to ask in person, but I’ve had a glass of wine and internet pseudo-anonymity is making me bold…) ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/27 "2013-10-18T01:45:03Z")
I’m biracial, and not a woman, and although it doesn’t happen often, I have had people attempt to touch my hair without asking, the latest being just last year. I don’t understand what compels people, beyond all propriety, to simply reach up and put their hands on someone else’s head. It’s creepy, presumptuous, not to mention violative. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/28 "2013-10-18T01:45:31Z")
I’m blonde, and I have a Chinese friend who loves to play with my hair: to her, it’s fascinatingly fine and soft. There’s an African lady at work who is the same, she likes to give me head rubs. Besides, having your hair played with just feels nice. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/29 "2013-10-18T01:46:35Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Besides, having your hair played with just feels nice. Uh, speak for yourself. I hate having my hair messed with, and if people were constantly asking me to touch it on a daily basis, it would make me mental. Nothing but sympathy for people who have to deal with that. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/30 "2013-10-18T01:49:17Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > (How \*do \*they stay in without rubberbands? I’m too inhibited to ask in person, but I’ve had a glass of wine and internet pseudo-anonymity is making me bold…) Twist a telephone cord into a coil. Let go. Does it immediately go back to normal or does it kinda-sorta stay in place? Kinky hair has, well, _kinks_. Kinky strands nestle into other kinky strands, like clasping hands. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/31 "2013-10-18T02:03:05Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > Uh, speak for yourself. I’ve ever understood this expression. Of course the person is speaking for themselves, and not for you. The word “feels” is a pretty good indicator. Anyways, just wanted to add that I never knew black _women_ had to deal with this. I’ve only seen white women ask to touch black men’s hair, and I’ve always assumed it was a type of flirting. Touching other people’s hair is rather intimate. Even though I’m white, when I was younger, girls would ask to touch my hair and the hair of other people I knew, and it definitely was a type of flirting. I actually changed from using hard gel to soft gel because of that. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/32 "2013-10-18T02:30:05Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I’ve ever understood this expression. Of course the person is speaking for themselves, and not for you. The word “feels” is a pretty good indicator. > > Anyways, just wanted to add that I never knew black _women_ had to deal with this. I’ve only seen white women ask to touch black men’s hair, and I’ve always assumed it was a type of flirting. _Day 1,877 among the hyoomans. I’ve encountered another expression I don’t understand:_ “Speak for yourself.” _I believe it is a way of reaffirming that the subject doesn’t have a so-called “power of attorney” over the speaker. Warrants further investigation. I witnessed a female ask a male permission to touch his hair. I believe it may be a mating display, though I was met with hostility when I attempted to discuss the subject with my barber._ ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/33 "2013-10-18T03:36:34Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Twist a telephone cord into a coil. Let go. Does it immediately go back to normal or does it kinda-sorta stay in place? > > Kinky hair has, well, _kinks_. Kinky strands nestle into other kinky strands, like clasping hands. Like how if you have a bit of fleece and twist it into a little yarn strand then turn loose of one end and it holds together if you don’t pull on it? That’s so cool. Just how much motion will a non-rubberbanded braid take without coming apart? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/34 "2013-10-18T03:47:12Z")
Thanks, **monstro**. I suspected it was something like that, but these braid ends seem more than “kinda-sorta” in place. But I guess if it’s a function of “kink”, the smaller diameter makes for a tighter end. Is it possible to un-bunch the ends, or do they have to be cut off to take the braids out? I literally cannot even \*tie \*my hair in a knot, not even a few strands. It so very much wants to be straightish, and it’s so slippery that a knot just slides out in less than a second. One of my bored habits is twisting my hair into knots that never stay. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/35 "2013-10-18T03:55:09Z")
If you’re talking about real hair, you can undo them, even if they’re really tight. Sometimes people permanently seal the ends of synthetic braids. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/36 "2013-10-18T04:23:36Z")
[![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6sUCh6MHjI) It’s not exactly the same as a braid, but you can see how easily this guy takes out his tiny twists. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/37 "2013-10-18T04:45:59Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > _Day 1,877 among the hyoomans. I’ve encountered another expression I don’t understand:_ “Speak for yourself.” _I believe it is a way of reaffirming that the subject doesn’t have a so-called “power of attorney” over the speaker. Warrants further investigation. I witnessed a female ask a male permission to touch his hair. I believe it may be a mating display, though I was met with hostility when I attempted to discuss the subject with my barber._ Heh. 🙂 > [@Omega\_Glory](#): > > [http://youtu.be/s6sUCh6MHjI?t=3m](http://youtu.be/s6sUCh6MHjI?t=3m) > It’s not exactly the same as a braid, but you can see how easily this guy takes out his tiny twists. That was fascinating - I know just about zero about black hair (but I still don’t ask to touch it). ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/38 "2013-10-18T05:03:49Z")
My black daughter has white classmates touch her hair a lot, but they’re in middle school and everyone knows there’s something wrong with middle school kids, so I’m not sure if that counts. Time will tell if it keeps happening when she grows up. Last year this little asshole who was supposedly her friend actually cut a lock of her hair off! As a “joke”. I was so pissed. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/39 "2013-10-18T05:14:11Z")
By all appearances, I’m the whitest white woman who ever existed - blue-white skin, freckles, red hair - but, when Ilet my hair grow long, I have perfect spiral curls, bright red and thick. The whole world wants to play with my hair, and it’s goddamned annoying. Just tonight at the grocery store, the cashier (biracial, Caucasian and African, with lovely curly natural hair herself,) asked whether my hair felt like hers, and could she touch mine. Giving credit for her youth, and for the fact that she asked first, I agreed. We had a moment, agreeing that our hair was quite similar, beyond its color, and that our apparent ethnicities didn’t matter. And that we were both as awesome as one could be. People are weird. All of us. ---
**Author:** ![planetcory](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/planetcory/32/1032_2.png) [@planetcory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/planetcory)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525/40 "2013-10-18T05:17:55Z")
My ex-wife had an awesome mass of natural hair. I wouldn’t say it was a constant thing but, yes, every few months or so some new white acquaintance was thrusting her uninvited fingers into my wife’s hair. Like monstro, she was too non-confrontational to make a big deal at the time, but I definitely got to hear about it when she got home. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-black-women-can-i-touch-your-hair/671525.md?page=3)