# Question for fathers **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 8, 2009, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413 "2009-01-08T20:15:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/41 "2009-01-09T13:59:10Z")
Hard to say that it wouldn’t color perceptions at all, but I have no doubt that I would still love them. Of course I say this with absolutely no doubt, due to quirky little physical resemblances and mannerisms, that these are my kids. I think that anyone who say that it would strongly influence how they felt about their kids are either misdirecting sentiment from the woman who would have cuckolded them or were never really in their kids’ lives much to start with. ---
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/42 "2009-01-09T14:37:27Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > Non-custodial father. > > I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t affect the way I _feel_ about my two children, but there would be some kind of effect on our relationship. They live with their mother, and I’m fairly sure I would have trouble ever uttering another word to her. That would make seeing the kids difficult, logistically Yeah, that’s the sticking point for me too. My daugther’s mother and I are on alright terms, I could see that changing if she had slept with another man. > [@Raza](#): > > Did it change my relationship to the child? No. Did it have some impact, however slight, on my emotions about the child? Yes. I can’t imagine that it wouldn’t affect me either. I’m pretty sure things would feel different. I’m not sure though that I would be able to shrug off the heavy emotional attachment to my little girl if it turned out she wasn’t my little girl after all. To have to try and unforget bringing her for walks, reading her books, playing little games with her. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/43 "2009-01-09T14:52:58Z")
My Small One is my Small One, always will be. I’d die a thousand and one deaths for her. Nothing could change that. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/44 "2009-01-09T15:13:08Z")
For 20 years I’ve been watching and rearing and adoring what I think is a small (well, no longer small) version of the best qualities of myself and my wife. I would be devistated to learn that he was not my own. And my wife would have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do. While I don’t think it would affect my relationship with my son, at least I would hope I could deal with it, this would be a deep, deep betrayal on my wife’s part that would have a profound effect on our family. That said, I wouldn’t believe a DNA test unless they did it 3 times and then showed me science behind it because that goofball has got to be mine. ---
**Author:** ![manila](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@manila](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manila)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/45 "2009-01-09T15:16:22Z")
bought and wearing the tee shirt. as a baby she puked over me when sick, shit on me when she had bad ass, run to me when she learned to walk, fell asleep crying in my arms when she came out of hospital after her tonsils were removed. yup the pest is my daughter. gave me gorgeous “non bio” grand daughter and called me from the hosp as soon as she could after she gave birth even though am 14000 miles and 8 hours time difference away. A child doesn’t know who’s genes she / he has, The kid just knows that it …well is and just looks up to the adult that protects and loves them. for me it actually saved something from a bad situation (divorce) like I said in an earlier post, any dick can father a child… but being a father to any child is a lot different. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/46 "2009-01-09T19:24:21Z")
Same here. My Girls are my daughters no matter what. But wifey is gonna get one hell of a talkin’ to. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/47 "2009-01-09T19:54:11Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I understand it would be different if it’s a newborn or if you haven’t had much contact. I was thinking more of situations where you’ve already been in a parental role for a significant period of time and developed a bond (not that it takes that long). > > I appreciate the responses from the adoptive and stepfathers for averring and confirming that you don’t have to be the sperm donor to know you’re the father. Not a father, obviously, but wanted to give my perspective on this. I said this recently about my mom in another thread, but it’s true of my dad, too…they have both adopted kids and bio, and none of us have ever detected even a hint of different-ness in the way they feel about us. That would be a pretty tough charade to put on for 40 years or so! It was pretty plain to me that most of the guys responding in the other thread didn’t have kids. It seemed like they were assuming that the feelings they have towards their wives or girlfriends are the same kinds of feelings they would have towards their kids. Not having the experience of having kids, they don’t realize how different some of the feelings are. Not that you don’t love a spouse, but it’s just a different kind of love. That old post of **Shodan’s** that he linked to here was very interesting to me. I think a lot of adoptive fathers go through the same thing, because I think that men do have more concern in general about the idea of “passing along the genes” than women do(evolutionary perhaps? Or cultural? Probably a little bit of both, and they are probably intertwined, as well). I don’t think it’s coldness as much as just a typically less emotion-driven way men have of dealing with the world. Many adoptive fathers I’ve talked to (including my dad and my brother) have basically said that it was their wife’s idea, that she just wanted a baby, and they would have been fine with waiting to see what happened or whatever she wanted to do. I think men think it’s great to have kids, but they don’t have that craving women get, where they just want. a. baby. Every single one of those dads, though, became just as crazy about the kid as any dad would about his “own” kid. So, clearly, there’s something more at work here than _just_ DNA. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/48 "2009-01-09T19:57:27Z")
Father of 3 boys…20, 12, and 7…spread out so to speak. Look at any of them differently? Maybe at first, but as the shock of the discovery fades away, so will my ability to look at them differently…they will be seen still as my boys. Still would love them. My stepfather taught me all about that. I could never disown any of them…they gave me love over the years and vice-versa…you just can’t “take it back”. As for the wife, I will talk to her to find out exactly what happened and go on from there. I can see pain and disappointment ahead, but not necessarily anger. It really depends on the conditions between us that transpired the birth of the son in question…but I will still reserve the right for a fair decision between us and any custody issues IF the relationship goes south. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/49 "2009-01-09T21:10:36Z")
Being a father of a 2.5 year-old here are some other similar hypotheticals I’ve asked myself: If I found out at this point (2.5 years later) that there was a mix up at the hospital and our son was not ours but another couples and in turn they had our son. Would I seek to swap back kids? I actually would have to say no to this. I think we’ve developed a bond with our son that would only hurt us and him if it were broken and I’m sure the situation would be similar with the other couple. While I may exchange parental medical/health information I don’t even think I’d want to even meet the biological son. Similar scenario would be if there was a hospital mix-up where someone took our biological son home and their son (which we believed was ours) died a few days after birth. Again at 2.5 years later would I seek to get my biological son back? This one is tougher. And to make it even more difficult what if this was to be your only child and your wife wasn’t able to have kids after that? As difficult as it would be I may still choose to let it go and non attempt to get him back. I think it would be in his best interests. And finally the reverse scenario to that. Hospital mix-up, our biological son died, we took home someone elses son without knowing it. I would definately seek to keep him. What if the biological parents persisted and refuse to go away? That’s really hard. I’d want what’s in the best interests of the child and I’m not sure what that would be. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/50 "2009-01-09T21:35:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Inspired by [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=500790) on a man finding out his 16 year old children weren’t really his, but still being forced to pay child support anyway. > > I don’t want this thread to be about the legalities of child support. My question is more basic. Hypothetically, if you were ever to find out that any or all of children wre not really biologically your own, would you feel any differently about them? Would you still love them? Would you disown them? Could you look them in eye and tell them you don’t care about them anymore? > > I ask because I was surprised at the number of guys in the other thread (some refernced anecdotally by posters, some the posters themselves) who say that the DNA is crucial to them and that they would no longer feel an attachment to their children if they were to discover the genetic connection did not exist. > > My own answer is that nothing could ever change the way I feel about my kids and I would never, ever abandon them or tell them I wasn’t their father. > > I would really like answers only from guys who really are fathers. I don’t think it’s possible to understand the parent/child bond unless you’ve experienced it in reality. I won’t tell the story of my sorry foray of fatherhood again. But I will say that once I got my head screwed on right, I could not imagine not loving my son. If I had discovered that he wasn’t mine–and in fact that’s not inconceivable–it wouldn’t have mattered not a whit. I can neither understand nor respect any man who could raise a child and then, upon discovering that their was no genetic bond between them, cut the kid off. Such behavior is rephrensible. ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/51 "2009-01-09T22:40:51Z")
My kids are grown so its less of an issue. I like the think it wouldn’t make a difference. At the same time, I can see how someone would view that as a reminder that their spouse cheated. The case cited was complicated by the reality that the man was not the father and the mother appeared to want him to do nothing but write checks, limiting visitation, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/52 "2009-01-09T22:56:37Z")
> [@Hamlet](#): > > From the response in those threads, there are a lot of people with a lot of baggage about child support issues. Not I. I have being-punished-for-stuff-that’s-not-my-fault issues. Too complicated to go into here, but I absolutely refuse to be made responsible for someone else’s bad behavior. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2009, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/53 "2009-01-10T02:03:47Z")
Our daughter (and I’ll presume she’s _ours_ and not just _hers_) is three months old and I couldn’t imagine loving her any less if she were adopted or otherwise not mine. My wife and I have a really great relationship, so the greater loss would be a change in that. I can’t imagine just shrugging that off as easily. That said, we knew the timing when to try, and with as much efforts as we were making to blanket the coverage, if there was another guy, his sperm must have been really tough SOBs to get through. ---
**Author:** ![bashere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@bashere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bashere)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2009, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/54 "2009-01-10T03:00:50Z")
It almost qualifies as bravado for me to say what I’m about to say My child is very obviously genetically my child; my eyes, ears, hair color, complexion. And due to an because of a very stressful and free-time deprived life, we even know the incident that lead to conception. Additionally, I was primary care giver for a few years while my ex was sort of checked out from parenting That said, who ever raises that child, is that child’s father. “Sperm-donor” is probably the biggest insult that I know of . If I found out tomorrow that baby bear was not biologically mine, it would no alter my feelings one bit. Too many bed time stories, too many owwies, too many hugs, too many meals, too many parks and circle times and shnuggles and talks and questions and too much time spent together. What’s harder for me about this is that who ever raises a child is that child’s father. I know too many men who step into be fathers when the sperm donor had pissed off to believe otherwise. Stay with me here; it means that just being a child’s biological isn’t enough. If you want to be a father, you have to remember to be one every minute of ever day for a very long time. Sorry if that doesn’t make any sense. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2009, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/55 "2009-01-10T03:36:11Z")
I understand that there were vast sublties in the story linked from the GD thread, but as someone who will never be a mother (or male 😉 ), I just wanted to say “thank you” to the men here for feeling the way they do… on behalf of _my_ dad. He’s not my biological father, but if he loved me any less, I would be shocked and devasted. So you guys exemplify the very best that he has given me. Unconditional love in the face of the very things that upset so many in the original thread (my mother having been serially unfaithful – although they’ve remained married). He’s proven that I’m his daughter by every last inch and measure. Therefore, I appreciate you all recognizing that [generally speaking] and fighting past any and all issues you all might have otherwise to be the fathers to your children, no matter whose DNA they contain. I’m sure it ain’t easy, but you should be proud. Because despite its overuse, I _do_ think of y’all as heroes. Hopefully you’re not always unsung. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2009, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/56 "2009-01-10T03:48:11Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > And finally the reverse scenario to that. Hospital mix-up, our biological son died, we took home someone elses son without knowing it. I would definately seek to keep him. What if the biological parents persisted and refuse to go away? That’s really hard. I’d want what’s in the best interests of the child and I’m not sure what that would be. I’d flee the country if necessary. Ours is just past 3; at two and a half she clearly loved my wife and I more than anything else in the world. If the hospital called and said they wanted her back we’d go to another country and change our names if that’s what it took. She is ours, and we are a family, inseperable, and that is that. ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/57 "2009-01-10T15:02:30Z")
Just another dad chiming in to say that DNA has nothing, not even a little bit, to do with how much I love my boy. Nothing could change that. I’m glad it works that way for me (and for most). I feel pretty lucky. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2009, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/58 "2009-01-10T20:19:21Z")
I walked away after three months when I found out the boy I thought was mine turned out to be my former best friend’s. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2009, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/59 "2009-01-10T23:51:02Z")
> [@Aesiron](#): > > I walked away after three months when I found out the boy I thought was mine turned out to be my former best friend’s. Are you saying the child was 3 months old (understandable) or that it was 3 months until you left after finding out the child wasn’t yours? (Less so, if the boy was older.) ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2009, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413/60 "2009-01-11T01:23:54Z")
He was born in April '08 and I found out he wasn’t mine in July. Up to that point, I’d visited two or three times every week, on average, but once I got the paternity results, I threw a copy on her desk (we work together), called my former best friend to tell him he has a second child, called his ex-wife to tell her the same, and then cut contact with all of them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-fathers/480413.md?page=4)