# Question for Gay Dopers: How do gay people meet other gays? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2002, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667 "2002-06-18T08:16:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/21 "2002-06-18T18:13:09Z")
:smack: I just realized that by my last aside in my previous post, I may have inadvertently offended all the others who took time out to express their opinions and thoughts. That was never my intention. I definitely respect the other posters’ opinions in this thread and others, of course. It’s just that with **Esprix** ’s “Gay Guy” threads, he might have something more to say about the subject that hasn’t been covered yet. Sorry for any unintended offense I might have caused. F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/22 "2002-06-18T18:23:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by scott evil \* > \*\* > Then again, I’ve met far more one-nighters in clubs… :eek: > > - s.e. \*\* WHAT! Gay sex! Have you never heard of … _WHAP_ OUCH! Who threw that!? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/23 "2002-06-18T18:24:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > **I have no idea if this will work, but is there any way to prevent getting hit on in a gay/lesbian club? Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing, but I totally understand why she doesn’t want that happening to her; I wouldn’t. (only because it would make me feel really strange, and admittedly the idea is a little off-putting to me) I’m being honest about how it would make me (and my sister?) feel… these statements are not meant to be inflammatory against gays or lesbians. So any ideas?** I second what **gobear** said, but I’d like to add, queer folks also are NOT rabidly horny. So if you go out clubbing, you may find that no one hits on you at all. I’ve gone out clubbing in gay bars with both straight and gay friends and no one hit on _any_ of us, although people were friendly and we chatted plenty (in a friendly, non-“hit on” kind of way.) Also, because people are often in various stages of “outness”, I’ve found that both men and women in gay bars tend to be a bit more courteous and respectful than in straight bars. I’ve never been hit on in a gay bar in the blatant and rude ways I’ve been hit on in straight bars. ---
**Author:** ![musicguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@musicguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/musicguy)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/24 "2002-06-18T18:38:52Z")
Just wanted to say that I’m taking detailed notes in the off-handed chance that any of this might help me meet someone. 🙂 I’ve actually considered going back to college. Take a course here or there. When I attended many years ago, there was no shortage of gay people but I was in denial at the time. Ah, the frustration of missed opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![EchoKitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f4b2a3/32.png) [@EchoKitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EchoKitty)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/25 "2002-06-18T18:42:41Z")
I’m straight and I get hit on A LOT by lesbians. No big deal. I just handle it like I would when a guy hits on me. Even when they get overly persistent. I mean, they’re not aliens…they hit on people the same way everyone else does. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/26 "2002-06-18T18:44:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gobear \* > \*\*I hope you’ll understand that some of the gay posters here might find that just a wee bit insulting. I’ve had women come on to me, and I didn’t “feel really strange.” > > What’s so off-putting? That someone might find you attractive? You DO know, don’t you, that all is required in that situation is a friendly, “No, but thank you,” the same reply you’d give to a guy hitting on you that you aren’t attracted to. > > I mean, come on, gay people aren’t slime-dripping mutants; we’re just people looking for llove and companionship on a cold and lonely planet. \*\* Well, those are your feelings on the subject, and you’re entitled to them. I know that by posting my questions, thoughts, and feelings on a public message board, I am inviting comment and feedback, and I welcome it. (and the discussion that will inevitably follow) The idea of someone finding me (or my sister) attractive is not what’s so off-putting. But if that someone is of the same sex, it might make us (as straights) feel strange. As always, YMMV. But when I used the word “strange,” it was not necessarily the equivalent of the word “uncomfortable.” I did not mean to insult anybody here by my statement that I would/might feel strange if a lesbian hit on me in a club or elsewhere. Rather, it was just an observation on my part. I have never been hit on by any lesbians in my life, and therefore I am just going on how I think I _might_ feel if one did. If I was in the actual situation, I know I might feel differently. (and be perfectly comfortable saying that I wasn’t interested) I know that I can always say we’re not interested. (of course, in a nice, polite way; our mama certainly didn’t raise us to be the most aggresive bitches imaginable!) But sometimes I wonder too much about how the other person would feel about being rejected, albeit in a friendly manner. Ah, maybe I care too much about other people’s feelings… I certainly don’t mean to insult or offend anyone. As for gay people being “slime-dripping mutants,” if I implied that in my earlier posts, I’m sorry. That is not the way I personally feel about them at all. I don’t know that many gay people, but I’m sure the majority of them being friendly, polite, and nice all-round. F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/27 "2002-06-18T18:51:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > **I know that I can always say we’re not interested. (of course, in a nice, polite way; our mama certainly didn’t raise us to be the most aggresive bitches imaginable!) But sometimes I wonder too much about how the other person would feel about being rejected, albeit in a friendly manner.** Actually, they’d feel pretty much the exact same way that you’d feel if you hit on someone who responded by saying: “I’m sorry, but I’m married.” Unavailable (for whatever reason), is simply unavailable. ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/28 "2002-06-18T18:57:20Z")
I’d just like to praise the internet as the greatest thing ever to happen to shy, inconspicuous gay men in the history of existence. Really. I also met my boyfriend in a [gay.com](http://gay.com) chatroom, when we both found that we had an affinity for making fun of the horny trolls. So we chatted, then we went out, and now, months later, we live together. And I’ve never been happier. It sure beats meeting guys at substance abuse support groups. Long story… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/29 "2002-06-18T18:57:33Z")
I live in a kinda rural area and have a nice circle of gay friends. I’ve met people on-line, in bookstores, in church, in bars (tho I am not especialy fond of bars), and through other people both straight and gay. I am currently seeing a man I met through mutual friends, who actually called and asked me out when he found out I wasn’t seeing anyone. (WOOHOO!)😃 ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/30 "2002-06-18T19:11:44Z")
I might not mind going out to a gay club (:eek: Did I just say that?), but I don’t think my friends would be willing to go there, so scrap that idea. (because I’m certainly not going by myself, no matter how nice and friendly the atmosphere might be… you should go to clubs with people, right?) What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think I’d avoid gay clubs because of the possiblity that I might get hit on, and that would be _verboten_ in my little world. It’s not, really. The whole idea is just something… new, that’s all. Getting these perspectives has been refreshing. I wouldn’t mind talking with gay people in a friendly way, with nobody hitting on me. If they do, I know what to say: namely, that I’m not interested. (and politely say thanks) I’m sure that we can talk about things that don’t necessarily include their being gay. However, I have yet to do this with anyone I know, simply because I haven’t met a gay person in a few years. F\_X ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/31 "2002-06-18T19:16:37Z")
Met my lover 21 years ago in a Gay bar and we’re still together. Prior to that, met nice gay guys on a bus, on a train, in a department store, at a funeral, in a military bar, at a topless bar, serving me drinks on the plane, students of mine (adult education classes) and many more places I can’t even remember anymore. I can be fairly sure I don’t fit into any of the gay stereotypes as some of my collegues at work still think I am just bullshitting them about being gay…one woman was talking about some gay friends within earshot of my desk and when another woman nodded in my direction, the first said, “we still don’t think he really is.” You think it is weird proving you are not Gay, try convincing someone you really are when they refuse to believe you! ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/32 "2002-06-18T19:19:59Z")
I’m going to take a breath here and say to **Flam-X** (like the irony?) not to worry. You seem to be really on the defensive here. Nobody is mad at you or getting insulted. It just seems to the rest of us that as far as the subject goes you seem a little, well, naive. As far as putting them off, well, f’neh! I’ve been hit on by many more guys than women and I’m not buggin’. [sub]And I know he’s taken, but isn’t **DrMatrix** just the cutest little thing? Tee-hee.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/33 "2002-06-18T19:24:04Z")
To be honest, I wouldn’t mind getting involved with someone right now. I realize from some of my posts I might come across as a total slut ho that doesn’t believe in commitment, but in reality, I’m the romantic type, and a damned good boyfriend, if I do say so myself. 🙂 It’s frustrating meeting someone **every single time I go to a gay club** and knowing the likelihood of anything coming (no pun intended) of it in terms of a relationship is unlikely. The last guy I went out with I met online - not in chat, but through his website, and subsequent emails. Anyway I don’t have much to say except that even while I’m open to meeting guys in other ways than in a club or online, I have to admit I don’t get “out there” enough… If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen. But I shouldn’t be subconsciously preventing it from happening. - s.e. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/34 "2002-06-18T19:38:09Z")
I have a question - why wasn’t this posted in ATGG? ☹ Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Hamish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Hamish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamish)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/35 "2002-06-18T20:03:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by musicguy \* > \*\*I’ve actually considered going back to college. Take a course here or there. When I attended many years ago, there was no shortage of gay people but I was in denial at the time. Ah, the frustration of missed opportunity. \*\* All the university groups in Montreal are open to the general public as well. You might want to call and ask. I agree with **MrVisible**. The Internet is the best thing ever for shy gay men. A friend of mine, one of the shyest and most sensitive guys I know, seems to have found his other half that way. > [@](#): > > \*\*To be honest, I wouldn’t mind getting involved with someone right now. I realize from some of my posts I might come across as a total slut ho that doesn’t believe in commitment, but in reality, I’m the romantic type, and a damned good boyfriend, if I do say so myself. It’s frustrating meeting someone every single time I go to a gay club and knowing the likelihood of anything coming (no pun intended) of it in terms of a relationship is unlikely. \*\* Well, it’s hard to have a meanigful conversation while you’re going deaf from wall-shaking techno music 😛 I’ve known a lot of people who went to gay clubs just because they thought it was the only way to meet someone, but **scott** ’s post was the first time I’d heard of it actually happening. Most people who are there are either just looking for a one night stand, or are just there with their friends to dance (it’s hard to approach anyone in one of those little cliques to talk to them, even if you can find somewhere where conversation will be audible). ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/36 "2002-06-18T20:08:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > \*\*I wouldn’t mind talking with gay people in a friendly way, with nobody hitting on me. If they do, I know what to say: namely, that I’m not interested. (and politely say thanks) I’m sure that we can talk about things that don’t necessarily include their being gay. \*\* Just so something is a little more clear, “being gay” is rarely a topic of discussion. I’m Spanish too, but I can’t remember when the last time that ever came into a discussion. If you chat with a person in a bar, what do you usually talk about? It’s no different for the queer community. I think that something you may find helpful is not to enumerate the difference (or the difference that you are pre-supposing), but rather the similarities. I find very few differences between gay bars and straight bars. The only real difference that you’ll see in a gay bar are: a) The men have much better clothes and haircuts b) When couples dance, it’s not boy-girl, boy-girl ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/37 "2002-06-18T20:44:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamish \* > \*\*I’ve known a lot of people who went to gay clubs just because they thought it was the only way to meet someone, but **scott** ’s post was the first time I’d heard of it actually happening. Most people who are there are either just looking for a one night stand, or are just there with their friends to dance (it’s hard to approach anyone in one of those little cliques to talk to them, even if you can find somewhere where conversation will be audible). \*\* **Hamish** , bear in mind that out of the hundreds of times I’ve been to clubs, and the countless times I’ve met someone who’s turned out to be a one-nighter, I’ve only ever met two, maybe three, guys who I actually ended up going out with… I agree - it’s not the best place to meet someone if you’re interested in something more. And I also agree that the university groups are a good place to meet others. When I first moved to Montreal, I didn’t know anyone queer save for my two female roommates. Through LBGM (that’s what Queer McGill was called in the day) I made a whole bunch of friends, some of whom I’m still very close to. I met the guy who was to become my second boyfriend at the LBGM table at activities night. (We didn’t get together until the next semester… ironically, in the context of this thread, it was him who eventually chatted me up - in a club!! 🙂 ) I’ve never met a future boyfriend in chat (although I’ve hooked up with many guys just for sex through chat), but as I mentioned, the last guy I went out with, I met online, in a roundabout way. - s.e. ---
**Author:** ![QueenAl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/d26b3c/32.png) [@QueenAl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QueenAl)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/38 "2002-06-18T20:45:31Z")
Flamsterette, I’m not sure why you’re so worried about going to a gay club! You’re not gay, you don’t have any gay friends, so don’t go to a gay club! This may sound like reverse prejudice, but while (in my social circle, at least) straight people are welcome to come along as friends _sometimes_, it’s a bit annoying when too many straight people come in and take over. If you don’t want to be hit on, in a straight bar or a gay bar, just don’t make too much eye contact, flirt or give any indication that you’re interested. Unless you look like Angelina Jolie, you are not going to have hordes of horny women throwing themselves at you. (If you do look like Angelina Jolie btw, drop me an email! 😉 :P) (Just to make certain: that last comment was purely in jest). ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/39 "2002-06-18T21:10:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by scott evil \* > \*\*And I also agree that the university groups are a good place to meet others. \*\* Whether for dating, for friendship, to find a jogging partner or what have you, I must concur that meeting other like-minded people in general has never been as easy as it was when I was in school. They compartmentalize people in these wonderful things called “faculties.” It used to be so easy to meet other film buffs, photographers and artists. I’d just have to hang out in the appropriate lounge. If you’re an artist and you’re in the “faculty of fine arts” by God you’d find other artists there! And if I foud a queer gal who was also in my faculty, then chances were good that we had things in common. Now that I’m living in the real world, it just isn’t as convenient. I find it tough to meet people who share the same interests in general, let alone single queer women in the right age-group who share the same interests. (Thankfully, that’s not an issue for me right now, but I’d hate to be single again!) ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/40 "2002-06-18T21:25:37Z")
_{ahem}_ How do gay people meet one another? Well, I think a lot of that has been covered here. I’ll throw in my examples: [ul][li]I met my current (potential) squeeze at a predominently gay pool party thrown by a friend of mine (not counting the fact that we’d met in a gas station two weeks previous, but I disgress…)[/li] [li]I met the former Dr. Boyfriend swing dancing at a gay club.[/li] [li]I met The Great Love of My Life at a Renaissance camping event.[/li] [li]I’ve met people through friends, online, at clubs (though rarely), at social functions, at social groups, etc. - just like everyone else is mentioning here.[/li] [li]I will say that my social circles tend to be gay-heavy - I’ve very few close straight friends left. I much prefer the gay community’s hospitality and ambiance over “regular” society’s.[/li] [li]I’m also involved in several organizations, both gay and gay-friendly, that reflect my hobbies - Asian men ( 😉 ), science fiction, country/western dancing, etc. This helps a lot.[/li] [li]All my friends know I’m single - they throw their friends at me. (Oh, the horror…)[/li] [li]And, of course, my fag hag. Sadly, she has horrible taste in men. ☹ [/ul][/li] How do you know if someone else is gay? Again, much like what others here have said - there’s no foolproof method, but “vibes” can work really well if you’re open to them. Eye contact held a second longer than usual, a lingering handshake, body language, conversation topics, what have you. How does a straight woman let a straight guy know she’s interested? How does that differ from when she’s just talking to a male friend? Everybody gives off clues for who they are and what they want - you just have to be keen to them. Think about it. Is there any way to prevent getting hit by someone of the same sex? Yes - don’t go to gay clubs. If you’re going to hang on our turf, get used to it or don’t go. Be polite, of course, but being obviously horrified, disgusted, uncomfortable or giggly is guaranteed to give you eyerolls and the cold shoulder, which defeats the purpose of going to a fun, friendly gay club in the first place. We don’t mind bringing our straight friends along, but for god’s sake, can’t you act gay in public like the rest of us? 😉 Esprix [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667.md?page=3)